Hikaro
Reviews are so very appreciated. I'm not kidding. YOU may be kidding, but I'm not. Reviews are appreciated, and I'd sorta like them to happen. Oh, and I recently made my Twitter account do things again!
Member Since: 12/31/11 Membership status: Member


Reviews by Hikaro
This is a recurring dream, or perhaps nightmare, I once had for twelve consecutive nights. A man awakens in a two-room prison(?) with no memory or knowledge of anything. When he notices the statue of what must be a Goddess bizarre things begin to happen.
Rated: Adult 5 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 6633 Words: 9309 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Adult (27-62 yrs)
Turned Into: Fantasy Character
Body Modification: Extreme Breast Enlargement
Series: None
Published: 01/19/11
Updated: 01/19/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star
Date: 01/10/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Just what every story needs: non-confused lesbians and large breasts.

A guy agrees to dress up as female to be a friend's date. Can just a wig and makeup really make him look that authentically female?
Rated: Explicit 13 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 16657 Words: 3580 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Turned Into: Girlfriend
Personality: Is Unaware of Changes
Story Theme: Everyday Living
Type of Change: Stuck
Series: None
Published: 01/27/11
Updated: 01/27/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 01/10/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I hope there comes a continuation of this story, someday.

Envy towards a girl, a wish, and then you're suddenly not yourself anymore.
Rated: Adult 10 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 57434 Words: 7449 Chapters: 4 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Turned Into: Girlfriend
Motivation for Change: Accident
Story Theme: Genie/Wishes
Type of Change: Body Swap
Series: None
Published: 01/27/11
Updated: 01/27/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star
Date: 01/10/12 Title: Chapter 4: Part 4

I love how Jeff (the original Jeff, the one who became Heather) at times seems reluctant to do anything in Heather's body, yet at other times is all for it. It's funny how he can't make up his mind, sometimes.

Mike Prager hears the last thing a teenager wants to get from his dad: "Get a Job!" So, he finds a spot working at the local movie theater. Oddly, the theater itself turns out to be far more involved in his life than he could possibly imagine.
Rated: Kid-Friendly 10 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 27150 Words: 7882 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Turned Into: Cheerleader, Daughter, Girlfriend
Locale: Family Household, High School
Motivation for Change: Unknown
Personality: Is Unaware of Changes
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Story Type: Includes Images
Story Theme: Everyday Living
Type of Change: Slow/Gradual Change
Series: None
Published: 02/18/11
Updated: 02/18/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 01/10/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This story is excellent. I love the slow change from Mike to Angie, and how Mike suspects it but ignores it.

College students, medical experiments, panty raids... You get the picture.
Rated: Explicit 8 Reviews starstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 14809 Words: 10392 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Locale: College, Labratory
Motivation for Change: As Justice for a Crime
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Story Theme: Medical Experiment
Series: None
Published: 03/01/11
Updated: 03/01/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 01/16/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Great story. I love how conquered his is by his new womanhood. I wish his friend's transformation was just as long, but then it may have become repetitive.

Alec and I had pulled off madcap capers together since second grade, and (except for the robot weasel incident) they were usually worth it.

This time, maybe we'd gone too far.
Rated: Explicit 12 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 60163 Words: 16051 Chapters: 6 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Locale: Family Household, High School
Motivation for Change: Undercover
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Bisexual
Story Theme: Everyday Living, Mind/Body Posession, Romance
Type of Change: Identity Theft, Mechanical Device, Mind Control, Stuck
Series: None
Published: 05/25/11
Updated: 05/25/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 01/15/12 Title: Chapter 1: First taste

I'd love to see a continuation of this story, showing further consequences and after-effects during their later lives.

Author's Response: I honestly can't think of a reasonable story arc. But we'll see if the Muse decides whether there is one. I like these characters and it does seem sad to leave them bereft of our attention.

Mommy has a halloween suprise for her boy.
Rated: Adult 8 Reviews starstarstarhalf-star Story Incomplete Reads: 90329 Words: 19238 Chapters: 4 Table of Contents
Categories: Realistic Crossdressing and TV
Characters: Male to Female, Child (0-12 yrs)
Turned Into: Baby, Daughter, Sissy
Body Modification: Ears Pierced
Story Theme: Costume or Halloween
Type of Change: Age Regression, Changed by Clothing
Series: None
Published: 10/29/11
Updated: 05/06/12
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 01/04/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Look, I haven't read your story (no offense, that last one of yours I read wasn't that great), but I do give you respect for actually putting a story up here. The previous reviewer doesn't have a single one.

A young boy starts his day off with his family going away for an extended weekend.
The Catholic school he goes to has been bugging him about getting his hair cut like all the other boys or he will have to get a new school uniform that is more appropriate for someone with long girly hair.
This is where the adventure starts.

I hope you enjoy my story I am a new writer.
Rated: Kid-Friendly 7 Reviews starstarstarhalf-star Story Incomplete Reads: 62651 Words: 12014 Chapters: 2 Table of Contents
Categories: Sissy Story
Characters: Male to Female, Child (0-12 yrs)
Turned Into: Baby, Cheerleader, Clothing, Daughter, Sissy
Featured Items: Diapers, School Uniform
Locale: Family Household, Girl's School
Motivation for Change: Caught Crossdressing, Forced, Tricked
Personality: Bad to Good
Sexual Orientation: Does Not Change
Story Theme: Babyhood, Costume or Halloween
Type of Change: Age Regression, Changed by Clothing
Series: None
Published: 11/30/11
Updated: 01/14/12
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarhalf-star
Date: 01/15/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

It seemed interesting, but the bold puts me off a little and at about half to two-thirds of the way down the page, you lost your paragraphing.

It had a good start, though.

Josh Thomas, high school stud football player, thinks all the cheerleaders are his. After forcing himself on cheerleader Amy Hanson, she decides to not report him to the cops but to make him suffer. So many years later, Dr. Amy Hanson gets her revenge.
Rated: Adult 3 Reviews starstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 28772 Words: 23239 Chapters: 2 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Adult (27-62 yrs)
Turned Into: Cheerleader, Prostitute
Motivation for Change: As Justice for a Crime, Revenge
Personality: Fights Change
Story Theme: Medical Experiment, Sports
Type of Change: Age Regression, Slow/Gradual Change
Series: None
Published: 12/01/11
Updated: 12/01/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstar
Date: 01/05/12 Title: Chapter 2: Part II

I read this story years ago on Nifty (another TG story site), and I loved it back then. It's a simple, yet well-done revenge story that, even with the TG theme, could make one damn good movie.

Three young teenaged boys make a bet that they wouldn't cut their hair. The bet was for $100 each. The last boy to cut his hair gets the $300. Then the Mothers got involved and made a bet of their own. How would the boys upcoming summer vacation turn out? It would be a summer they'd never forget.
Rated: Adult 18 Reviews starstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 170766 Words: 36339 Chapters: 4 Table of Contents
Categories: Realistic Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Turned Into: Daughter, Girlfriend
Featured Items: Breast Forms, Corsets, High Heels, Long Nails
Locale: Family Household, Girl's School
Motivation for Change: Blackmailed, Female Domination, Lost a Bet
Type of Change: Drug-Induced, Hormonal
Series: None
Published: 12/31/11
Updated: 12/31/11
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 01/17/12 Title: Chapter 1: Part 1

Unlike they who name themselves after a color, I liked this story. I'm not certain that anyone I know would allow themselves to be forced into feminization because they were too proud of themselves to lose a bet, but most of these stories on sites like these, as Purrrple doesn't seem to understand, are simply fantasies.

Alex was told that those Swedish Fish weren't for him. But what's the harm in having a few?
Rated: Explicit 5 Reviews starstarstarstar Story Incomplete Reads: 14651 Words: 8793 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Turned Into: Bimbo
Featured Items: Lingerie
Locale: College
Motivation for Change: Accident
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Bisexual
Story Theme: Medical Experiment
Type of Change: Drug-Induced, Mind Control, Slow/Gradual Change
Series: None
Published: 01/29/12
Updated: 01/29/12
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star
Date: 01/29/12 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Exceptionally done. A little too much of "Yes we'll do this, we got carried away, so do that", but still good. Now, we need more.

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.
Rated: Adult 26 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 24222 Words: 27904 Chapters: 10 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Adult (27-62 yrs)
Turned Into: Adult
Locale: Family Household, Labratory
Motivation for Change: Accident
Sexual Orientation: Does Not Change
Story Theme: Romance
Type of Change: Fast/Instant Change, Stuck
Series: None
Published: 06/10/13
Updated: 03/17/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 06/11/13 Title: Chapter 1: In the Beginning

I saw the end coming, but that didn't stop it from being good. Keep going, I want more.

Author's Response: Thanks! I've started work on the next part but it might take a bit, I keep rewriting the opening.

One January night in 2002, Danielle Alexandria Tigerson retired to bed with her husband, Roger, in their rustic, spacious log-home in the mountains of Oregon. During the night she had an out of body experience and journeyed to a place beyond the infinite, a place outside of normal time and space. The story began there-- at what she learned out there about herself, who she really was, in the present and the past.
Rated: Adult 10 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 26458 Words: 11387 Chapters: 4 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Adult (27-62 yrs)
Turned Into: Wife
Featured Items: Boots, High Heels, Lingerie
Personality: Fights Change
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Story Theme: Romance
Warnings: Death, Intense Violence, Non-Consentual Sex, Torture
Series: None
Published: 08/29/13
Updated: 06/29/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star
Date: 08/29/13 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3 "Omak, Washington"

I like what I'm reading so far. From where I see it, this can go one of a few ways:

1) Danielle is having a parallel reality adventure
2) She's seeing a previous life
3) She was really a guy, then was changed somehow and lost her male memories
4) She's going crazy and none of this is happening

There are obviously other ways it could go, too, but I couldn't think of them right now.

As I said, I like what I'm reading, but I'll wait until there's a little bit more to make a full critique. Keep up the good work, post some more.

Author's Response: Thanks. She at verious points in the story contemplates all those possabilities. Did you like the bit on the asteroid? I went off script and started ad-libbing. In the hard copy text the asteroid was just a rock. Danielle experienced a reality change and was then in a surreal version of her cabin and Chadds Ford. This notion of the rock being a chunk of Pennsylvania hit last night. I wonder how many more times I'll go off script. Again, thanks for the uplifting comments.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstar
Date: 08/30/13 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4 "Danielle meets Daniel" (partial)

Still good, still good. The story is progressing (though I question why Danielle told Roger so soon). Two things: 1) Sliders ended in 2000, which was only two years ago (story time-wise); and 2) Roger calls Danielle "Den" a couple of times. As far as the second one goes, I'm not sure if that's a typo or just a nickname he uses for her. If it was in any of the previous three chapters, I missed it entirely.

Despite everything I just said, keep up the good work.

Author's Response: Again, thanks for the input. As for your questions: This won't be the first time Roger has had to deal with Danni's astral antics. There's a doozy of one in a later chapter as the story regresses to when they first met. He can read her; he knows when she is going through astral related stuff. And it was necessary (you'll see) to divulge it so soon to get into the regression sequences. That's where Dave Ludland comes in. Den for Denni as an alternative for Danni (I use all three throughout the book) Roger uses to change it up a little seeing as all three nicknames are appropriate. As for Sliders, I added that aside about its cancellation for readers who may never have even heard of it. I can fix that easy enough. It might be easier to just find a way to take the hard copy printout from 2002 and see where I can have it digitally scanned into a file than I can then upload without having to physically re-input the thing. Incidently, I am currently without computer. This is my Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 tablet and it's driving me nuts. (It's a glorified smartphone and it's lucky I haven't thrown against a wall already.) I know; I need a computer to input this tome of a novel. It's long. Stephen King would be proud.

A short follow-up story of The Love of My Life by Hikaro
Rated: Kid-Friendly 4 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 1818 Words: 1129 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Story Theme: Everyday Living
Series: None
Published: 12/26/13
Updated: 12/26/13
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 12/26/13 Title: Chapter 1: Surprise of my life

Holy crap, you went and did it. I'm flattered and surprised. It was nice to see things from Karen's point of view as she revealed to Brandon (oh my God, he had a name?!)... well, absolutely nothing, really. Despite knowing that she changed herself, she doesn't know how she did it. Very creative way of explaining something that had no explanation when I thought it up. I should do this more often, write a short story and task somebody else with writing the sequel. It's great to see how somebody else uses characters I made up. I may have made 'em, but YOU made 'em better. Thank you very much for writing this.

Author's Response: You're very welcome, and it was a nice change from having writer's block on one of my other stories. It was fun to write, and I hope to see that you pursue that idea!

Join us in an adventure brought you by several authors. An adventure filled with drama, action, comedy, but most important superheroes. Be amazed by the story of several characters, each one looking for their own destiny, however paths might and will cross, and at the end with the help of each other they'll be able not only to fulfil their desires, but also save some lives in their way.
Rated: Adult 19 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 14949 Words: 100223 Chapters: 15 Table of Contents
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/14/14 Title: Chapter 1: Part 1 Tergun Relatus (1)

Google Earth still shows my driveway from 2005, so I doubt it would be updated even to include a giant crater in Africa. Other than that, I'm enjoying it so far.

Author's Response: Element 118 has clearly improved Google Earth, as well as evolution and reality. Thanks for reading, the next chapter or three should be up this weekend, the editing is largely done, now we're just doing last minute changes and sorting.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/17/14 Title: Chapter 2: Part 1 Tergun Relatus (2)

There are some small things that slipped past the editor, but other than that, the story's getting better, and the set-up is working. I'm not sure I'd want to live in a world where tofu is the food of choice for the country's leading fast food chain, however. What kind of twisted place does that happen in?

Author's Response: I wouldn't want to live there either, fortunately Michael now lives in a world with real food. And giant robots who want to dissect her. It's still a fair trade I think. Thanks for the comment.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/18/14 Title: Chapter 3: Part 1 Tergun Relatus (3)

Of all of these characters (in this section of the chapter, that is), the only one that seems all that interesting is the outrageously stereotypical Russian. The twins seem okay but a little lame (and, seriously? Just find an off-campus apartment, faking being a married couple?). They might get better with some progression, however. The sculptor just seems like a boring character, honestly. Well, that's another one down, and the mystery is still drawing me in. Onto the next one!

Author's Response: Thank you for the critique. I won't tip my hand as to which of the characters I am personally responsible for, nor even my own opinions of any of the characters at this stage of the development of the story, other than to say one of my favorites is not my own. Given the nature of the collaboration, and the widespread locations of the contributing authors (China, Mexico, US...) coordinating the interactions of the characters in future chapters is an interesting experience. Hopefully you will enjoy some of the surprise twists and turns coming in the future, as this is definitely beginning to take on a life of its own. I can't wait to see what the rest of the group submits and how it comes together.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/18/14 Title: Chapter 4: Day One - Part One

Hey, a cat girl that interests me! I'm hoping for some more info on what exactly the twins have become in later chapters, I've got to say. The sculptor still doesn't interest me (sorry, my problem, not yours). I'm gonna guess super strength for Marsha (was expecting something to do with the dead, considering she worked at a graveyard), and I can't figure out what the hell is up with Linus. Michael is shaping up to be the character I'm most interested in, since s/he's the only one to have noticed any differences in the world so far (no smartphones in his dimension and tofu is the world's favorite food?! Bizarro-Earth if ever I heard of it). Damn good so far, and I hope it only gets better.

Author's Response: Each character gets described more in upcoming chapters, so you'll find out a lot more soon, and find things to like about each one. As for Michael noticing the differences, there is a very important reason she notices the difference so quickly, keep reading to learn about it. Thank you for reading and posting your thoughts, it's appreciated by all of us.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/19/14 Title: Chapter 5: Day One - Part Two

So, Michael is the only one who passed through dimensions? All the while the others remained where they were... Why would that be? Perhaps there's an answer next chapter. The twins seem like they could be potential villains, what with their off-site experiments. Government agents aren't likely to use revolvers, though I demand an Agent Indiana at some point (my home state, I'm selfish). I find myself wondering... Are the MIB and the robot that nobody must have noticed entering the building connected somehow? I'm gonna keep reading so that I can find out.

Author's Response: Discovering the reasons and secrets of the Dimensions will play a big part in forthcoming chapters, not the next one though. And there is a reason for Michael and the others. As for the robot it should be made clear in part three how it got in. As for the rest, I can't and/or won't say or even give hints. You'll just have to keep reading. Thanks again for the reviews.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/20/14 Title: Chapter 6: Day One - Part Three

Okay, so only good guys change gender, seeing as the Russian is still male. So far, the twins are the only characters that seem out of place, probably because they keep going around telling people what they are and expect random people to have enough of a background in particle physics to not say "What the fuck did you just tell me?!" Michael is turning out the best and most fleshed-out character, and I like Marshall and Rosie a bit. That's actually something I wanted to bring up, whenever Marshall and Rosie show up, the text keeps shifting between present and past tense, often in the same sentence. That and the twins are the only things that draw attention to there being multiple authors, actually. Seriously, though, the twins expect too much particle physics knowledge from complete strangers. Keep up the damn good work.

Author's Response: About the changing tense that's a problem we're working on, I'll go over it again today. The next three parts should be posted today or we'll be yelling at the designer, and it will help put the spot light on other characters and flesh them out more. So thank you very much for the reviews we are listening and trying to improve.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 08/25/14 Title: Chapter 7: Day Two - Part One

Well, the plot thickens... Normal people are, predictably, afraid of the heroes all the while a select few don't seem to have a problem with them. Overall, the story (and editing) is improving. There are still those weird tense shifts in Marshall and Rosie's scenes, and during this last section with Linus, this paragraph:

He didn’t need his ears to know what was coming next. The man was about to do an all out assault on him. This made the man look menacing, but at the same time it gave Linus an amazing chance. He waited for the man to get closer, and in the matter of seconds, he moved inside the mans reach, and gave him the strongest uppercut to the stomach he had ever done.

was shown twice, once after the other. Also, during Alexander/Alex's clothing store section, r32 appeared three times. I dunno why, it just did. Other than those couple of quirks, everything else seemed fine, and the story is getting better overall.

Now... ACDC Metal Fan = Linus, right?

Author's Response: I'll triple check the editing, it could have just been a repeated paste insert that slipped by. Good guess as to Linus.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/28/14 Title: Chapter 8: Day Two - Part Two

Well, that was eventful. It's also finally starting to feel like a shared story as opposed to separate vignettes slapped on the same page. Keep it up, guys, keep, it, up.

Author's Response: Thank you very much. I'm editing some things for Day 4 right now, and some of the things we get up to as a group will be surprising.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/01/14 Title: Chapter 9: Day Two - Part Three

Thickening plots! A non-robot villain, and his subordinate! Characters meeting other characters! Characters learning their various powers! Other things happening! This story keeps getting better (and longer) with every new segment, and I can only hope it continues.

Oh, and the potential Marshall/Rosie incest was kinda obvious, just sayin'.

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the new villain Hikaro. Their will be more characters meeting characters and some things happening in the next few chapters plus your demand has been answered.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 09/20/14 Title: Chapter 1: Part 1 Tergun Relatus (1)

I can honestly say, this chapter doesn't work as a giant paragraph.

Author's Response: Hmmm... something must have glitched on the site possibly when I added the breaks to the begin and end notes. I'll fix the text again.

East City isn't the only place that the Chosen have arrived. In the nearby city of Pine Ridge, Sasha Jackson is Chosen to rise. But is she ready for the challenges that await her?
Special thanks to Hikaro for permission to use his setting.
Rated: Adult 112 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 22692 Words: 103925 Chapters: 53 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Female to Male, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Turned Into: Jock
Featured Items: Long Nails
Locale: College, Hospital or Clinic
Body Modification: Weight Gain
Motivation for Change: Unknown
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Women
Story Theme: Captive, Coming of Age, Horror
Type of Change: Primarily Female to Male
Warnings: Death, Intense Violence
Series: Brave New World
Published: 08/26/14
Updated: 11/04/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/12/14 Title: Chapter 12: Shouting and Screaming

Even though they didn't fail him, the Joker's still likely to kill these guys, y'know. He likes to do that.

Author's Response: Probably, but a nameless thug can dream can't he. They might also end up being one of the guys who gets knocked out and arrested before they get killed. Although considering how Sasha reacts when panicked that could just be wishful thinking.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/06/14 Title: Chapter 26: Black Out

Doing well?! They've had their asses handed to them for the better part of like seven chapters.

Author's Response: Well at first they'd managed to almost defeat all the guards, and slow or disable Harp. That was pretty good for this chapter.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/11/14 Title: Chapter 29: Ray of Light

Everybody in Pine Ridge needs a vacation, man, you ain't the only one.

Author's Response: Does dying count as a vacation?

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/26/14 Title: Chapter 3: Glitter Bar

Sasha clearly needs to learn how to keep it in his pants. Guess that's what happens when you can finally engage in sexual acts after thirteen years.

Author's Response: I don't know, she has the body for it. And she's a man now, she cannot be s***. So it's perfectly fine to start making notches on the bed post.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 08/26/14 Title: Chapter 1: Reborn

It's not really much of a mistake. The nanites used to help Sasha move again are completely different than the nanocytes that Knight uses to shut off powers. Two different uses, two different creators, two different technologies. Unless a later chapter explains them as being invented by Brand Industries or one of its subsidiaries, the mistake purely lies with me forgetting what I wrote. Still, if you decide to change nanites to nanocytes for consistency's sake, that's fine.

Author's Response: Sure now you tell me! ;-) I'll go back and change it to nanites, my spell checker doesn't hate that word.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/26/14 Title: Chapter 4: Bad First Date

The plot be thickening, and Sasha's getting to know his powers. I can only wait to see what happens next. Keep up the good work.

Author's Response: Many thanks.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/27/14 Title: Chapter 5: Cool!

Okay, just one little thing: perspective shifts from third person to first person in the space of a sentence as Sasha gets in the cab to return to the hospital. Other than that, this was a great chapter showing off Sasha's abilities and limitations. "Cool" describes it in more than one way. Keep going, man.

Author's Response: I know, it's been killing me. I'm writing several different stories and editing more in multiple perspectives, so I'll be typing away and realize that the last ten paragraphs are the wrong perspective. Yesterday was particularly bad for that. So it's time for the microscope. And thanks I thought the metal morphing ability really shone in this chapter.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/27/14 Title: Chapter 6: Make a Choice

See, Sasha? See?! It ain't all fun and games, is it?! Nice work, Angel, nice work. Man, just wait till he actually meets the Joker. He'd probably wanna kill him just for reading the article in the paper. This works very well as a standalone.

Author's Response: If you want an idea of just how bad the joker would be in my story go read the later chapters of my horror story virtual girl. I really thought angel did well in this without resorting to the mallet of bluntness.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 08/27/14 Title: Chapter 1: Reborn

Well, when a sixteen year old girl gets the shit kicked out of her, people should care enough to want revenge on the one who did it.

Author's Response: Definitely. Which is why it will affect Sasha quite a lot. Not quite to the extent of wanting to commit murder but close..

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/28/14 Title: Chapter 7: Like a Dream

Hmmmm... A very public super hero... Sasha's got some pretty big ambition now. This is turning into a very interesting development. Keep it up, man.

Author's Response: Many thanks. If it's as interesting and good as your's I'll be happy.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/29/14 Title: Chapter 8: Off To College

So... The bad guys really want Sasha, enough to make mistakes, it seems. HARP Pine Ridge is a college group (though I assume the have some radicals, just like in East City). Interesting. Sasha's getting a handle on his powers, but he's still in the early stages. He's turning into a hero, though. Keep it up, man.

Author's Response: They really do, but was it a mistake? Harp is going to be interesting. Sasha still has a lot to learn, but with the help he's getting it will make things easier..thanks for all the reviews it's really encouraging. Now off to read your newts chapter.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 08/30/14 Title: Chapter 9: A Little Chat

So... Joker's pulling double duty... Damn, he's flexible. So, a little bit of a slower chapter, but that's fine. Can't all be action scenes, after all. Good to know that the Joker's not too roughed up after the arc I haven't finished yet (clearly we suck harder at communication than we thought). Don't change anything, I'm going to work that in.

Author's Response: He is purely in research mode, and getting his goons to do his dirty work. So don't worry.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/30/14 Title: Chapter 34: Bad People

Somebody call the crew from Inception! We need a dream inside a dream inside of another dream to stop this dream from turning into another dream and -

And now I'm just rambling. Goddamnit.

Author's Response: It doesn't go quite that far. Actually wait, it kind of does later on.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/30/14 Title: Chapter 33: Missing

Church cost too much? Just call Drummer. You'll understand this reference if you've seen "The Expendables 3".

Author's Response: Yep. I watched it a few weeks before writing the chapter. Glad you caught the reference.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/30/14 Title: Chapter 32: Reap the Whirlwind

I fail to see how the mist lady couldn't just absorb the chemical mist. Maybe I'm just overthinking it.

Author's Response: It was too large, it didn't affect her, and by the end she was dead.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/30/14 Title: Chapter 32: Reap the Whirlwind

I fail to see how the mist lady couldn't just absorb the chemical mist. Maybe I'm just overthinking it.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/30/14 Title: Chapter 31: Eye of the Storm

It's taken me I-really-don't-fucking-know-how-long, but I finally finished this chapter! Good God! Time keeps on slippin', man...

Anyway, nice cliffhanger.

Author's Response: Thanks

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 09/10/14 Title: Chapter 10: The Chosen Program

Hmmm... I sense something off about Maria. I'm not yet sure what.

Author's Response: Really? Why ever for?

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/10/14 Title: Chapter 11: Surgeons

Well, that was pretty frickin weird. What was he shot up with? Damn.

Author's Response: Enough drugs to kill an elephant.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/14/14 Title: Chapter 13: Balance

So... Maria has powers, but she doesn't seem to be a Chosen. An experiment, perhaps? The Benefactor likes to experiment on people.

Author's Response: She's chosen. Her body wasn't changed she lost it becoming Thought. That's by angel talked to her and helped her.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/18/14 Title: Chapter 14: The Calm Before

Enjoy the move. So, Maria/Tracy was a fat chick, huh? Why is this the go to for body swappers/shape shifters? This, Heroes... Maybe I should jump on the bandwagon.

Author's Response: If you can take any body you want, would you really want to take an ugly body? Remember her power introduction was taking a mans body for a spin. I know if I could transform I'd lose my baldness, and round face.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 09/18/14 Title: Chapter 1: Reborn

I'm mainly just talking that the shape-shifter/body-snatcher always starts off fat. I understand the desire to lose the fat. It's just the starting there part.

Author's Response: Ah, I hadn't actually thought of that. Well I guess I just have to go with the cliche. It's written somewhere in the rules for writing superheroes.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/19/14 Title: Chapter 15: Gathering Clouds

Hrmmm... Sasha may have made things worse for himself. HARP knows what he can do, now, and they're gonna use this event to rally more to their cause.

Author's Response: Very true. But it was a choice of letting three people die as well as having a riot, or setting off the riot early while scaring a large number of them, and rescuing the people. It was an easy choice, unfortunately the easy choices often have bad consequences.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/23/14 Title: Chapter 16: Thunder On The Horizen

A dual threat, I see. The Joker on one side, HARP on the other. This coming storm arc is definitely proving to be a powerful one.

Author's Response: Plus the mercenaries, plus the scientist who hired the mercenaries. Things are going into overdrive, and Sasha is going to need all the help he can get, plus every trick he can make his powers develop to survive, much less succeed.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/25/14 Title: Chapter 17: Rising Winds

Hmmm... Somethin' bad's gonna happen soon, I just know it.

Author's Response: Quite honestly with my record of stories on this site when something actually goes well it's the exception to the rule. The stuff that's going to happen though may just top everything. And honestly it's not going to stop happening until the end of the story, no more pleasant rest stops for Sasha or anyone.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/26/14 Title: Chapter 18: Lightning Strike

I said it before, I'll say it again. Complete. Fucking. Anarchy. The city of Pine Ridge is going to tear itself apart.

Author's Response: If it's lucky.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/26/14 Title: Chapter 19: Gust Front

"Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order and everything becomes chaos." Considering the man who said this is in this very story, I wouldn't be surprised if both sides are being played against the middle by a man wearing purple gloves.

Author's Response: :-) Take the Joker from the DC animated universe of the late 90's early 2000, and mix him with the Joker from The Dark Night. And we haven't even seen anything yet. The chaos was already there, he's just adding gasoline.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 09/26/14 Title: Chapter 1: Reborn

Curses! Now I have to find a way to merge the voices of Mark Hamill and Heath Ledger, and I just don't know if I can! Don't do that to me!

Author's Response: I use Ledger's voice and Hamill's laugh.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/29/14 Title: Chapter 20: Storm Warning

And so the Joker finally makes his big entrance, as opposed to that relatively minor one a couple chapters ago. Kids and parents... It's not a shopping mall full of people and a hero who'd had his throat slit, but it was still big.

Author's Response: It gets worse believe me, And by the time he's done it's going to be horrifying. So far he's just been setting everything up for the bonfire, now it's time to light the match.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/30/14 Title: Chapter 21: Dark Tempest

Hmmm... This creature reminds me of both the xenomorph (Alien) and a Predator... Is it a Chosen, or a Rejected? Or simply an experiment? All seem possible at this point. Shit be only gettin' bloodier.

Author's Response: You'll find out in the next arc. And yeah, I'm kind of dreading the next chapters, they're firmly in the horror/Tarentino realm and will be pushing my limits.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/02/14 Title: Chapter 22: Downpour

Warpath would have been a better name than Pro-Tech.

Author's Response: That name is already taken by a character from the X-men and X-Force. Also he does want to protect people, if he has to kill a bunch of others to do it, so be it.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/03/14 Title: Chapter 23: Shelter From The Storm

"Brave New World" is my longest story. It runs in the series, I guess.

So, the Joker appears capable of infecting others' minds. Interesting development, considering he's not a Chosen or Rejected. And is she Tracy or Maria? It's confusing.

Author's Response: She went into his mind first, and he drove Tracy insane, no infection involved, except extreme insanity. Tracy and Maria will be explained later.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/04/14 Title: Chapter 24: Storm Surge

Shit's hitting fans everywhere, I see. Though I have to ask, why would HARP take down city hall?

Author's Response: Three reasons. 1. They can't hit the White House. 2. The city government has been supportive of HeakAll. 3. The people involved in the bombings aren't very supportive of the government and are using their hatred and fear of the Chosen as an excuse to go after older grudges. And yeah this was the match to set off everything. Hello bonfire.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/05/14 Title: Chapter 25: Firestorm

Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here every day.

Author's Response: Yep.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/07/14 Title: Chapter 27: Flash Flood

Hmmm... Yup, I see Al dying soon. He's lost an awful lot of blood.

Author's Response: Some people had to die.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/07/14 Title: Chapter 28: Electric Storm

Guess that Ricki spin off ain't happenin' now, huh? Too bad, she was a good kid.

Author's Response: As Orange_Laces said, "Everyones Dying!!!"

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/20/14 Title: Chapter 30: Hurricane

Suicide by gun/building explosion. Damn.

Yeah, I've got some catching up to do.

Author's Response: I was so proud of thinking of that. It was the perfect Joker move.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/31/14 Title: Chapter 35: Waking Up

Nice to see Sasha's making some new friends in happy little Inception land.

Author's Response: Yes. Yes it is. Can't have that happen for much longer now can I.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/31/14 Title: Chapter 36: Grieving

Y'know, it just seems to me that all that work that Maria did with Sasha after the sewer incident a million years ago has just been undone.

Author's Response: You could say that. I did say he was going to be broken.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/02/14 Title: Chapter 37: Hope

Sam Neill. I don't know why, but every time Mindwurm speaks, I hear Sam Neill's voice from Event Horizon in my head.

Author's Response: I liked that movie, so awesome!

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/03/14 Title: Chapter 38: FREE!

And now we get to Demon Tech. Time for slaughter. In the next chapter.

Author's Response: And how.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/05/14 Title: Chapter 53: There's Always Hope

The wind is laughing. Hmph.

By the way, I skipped ahead just to read the ending. I'm still playing catch-up in between.

Author's Response: No problem. When you get closer to the end, the wind laughing will start to make sense.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/05/14 Title: Chapter 39: Angel of Death

Damn.

Still not bloody enough. Make it worse.

Author's Response: F You. :-)

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/05/14 Title: Chapter 40: Fear

Still not bloody enough. Tech probably should have been playing with those bodies like puppets, but he really wasn't doing much of anything with them.

Author's Response: He did do that. That was how he attacked Joanna when he was toying with her. I just didn't want to write another few thousand words describing the fight.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 11/05/14 Title: Chapter 41: Dissolving

I'd give suggestions as to what I think happened...

But I'm going to find out in a few chapters anyway. Part of the benefit of falling so far behind.

Author's Response: Yeah, it's nice not having to wait to see what happens next.

Gary moved in with Ian to save on his rent. But things soon started getting a little... weird. His diary shows a clear record of the peculiarities and Gary's reactions to them.
Rated: Adult 68 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 245734 Words: 11967 Chapters: 22 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Turned Into: Adult, Girlfriend
Featured Items: Lingerie
Locale: Family Household
Motivation for Change: Unknown
Personality: Fights Change
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Story Theme: Everyday Living
Type of Change: Mind Control, Slow/Gradual Change, Stuck
Series: None
Published: 08/26/14
Updated: 10/31/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/31/14 Title: Chapter 22: Author's Afterword

Didn't really matter to me which one it was, I just enjoyed every bit of the ride, even the left turn ending (I've written my fair share of those, be they here or not). In my opinion, Mary was nuts, but this leaves it so open that one's opinion really doesn't matter.

All in all, fantastic tale.

Wallace and Peter are two men that awaken one morning to a most improbable discovery about themselves.
Rated: Kid-Friendly 6 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 2263 Words: 231 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Female to Male, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Motivation for Change: Accident
Story Theme: Comedy, Fan Fiction
Type of Change: Fast/Instant Change, Mechanical Device
Series: None
Published: 09/04/14
Updated: 09/04/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/04/14 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

So, Wally there is in absolute shock.

But this has happened to Peter before...

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference at the end?

Author's Response: Yup! And check out this scene. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsK6aRuSBIc#t=70

Hehe.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 09/04/14 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Wallace = Whale
Peter = Petunias

Why didn't I see it before?

Author's Response: =P

More and more people have been Chosen with each passing month. The latest addition to the super powered crew is Bryan Hobden from Glassview City, who suddenly finds himself facing challenges he never thought he would ever have to face in his life.
Rated: Adult 34 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Story Incomplete Reads: 25363 Words: 68613 Chapters: 16 Table of Contents
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/12/14 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3 - Hunters

Cliffhangers?! Cliffhangers?! What will happen to Elliot? Does Brenda feel helpless? These questions and more will be answered when I hit "Next Page", because it's taken me awhile to find time to read this! Damn me!

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 09/09/14 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2 - Gifts

So, is Ms. Banter not a genius? That part was left out of her description, and knowing what I do, I would surmise she's a freakin' genius. It's nice to see at least one of our little dynamic duo here showing some degree of control over his powers. Brenda's mind seems to wander a little, will that affect her control? More, more, more, give us more, all I can say.

Author's Response: I knew I forgot something! Thanks for pointing that out Hikaro :)

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/12/14 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4 - Tears

Ah, moments... They're nice to have, every so often. Nice intro for Elastique, showing up out of the blue in an intensely traumatic moment. Things are coming together.

Author's Response: Slowly but surely :D Everything is falling into place~

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/14/14 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5 - Recruitment

Quite the impression, Penelope. I'm sure Brenda's going to be even more in awe in the next chapter.

Author's Response: Oh she will be xD There's so many things I could add, but I'm afraid I might bore the readers if I keep going on about Penelope's gadgets.. "We get it, she's a rich super genius.. move on already!" or something like that...

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/14/14 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6 - Talks

Aw, there's a touching little budding romance.

Author's Response: Will it really work out that way I wonder? xD

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/15/14 Title: Chapter 7: Chapter 7 - Acceptance

Nothing helps you accept your gender more than your first masturbatory experience. Brenda's been taking things nice and slow (ha-ha).

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/16/14 Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 8 - Strained

Are both wrists broken, Elliot? More and more build up, it works. I do question how long it's going to take before it all crumbles, however. Nothing good lasts forever.

Author's Response: Actually it's only his left hand that got hurt.. xD I was hoping to indirectly express that Elliot is left handed that way

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/23/14 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter 9 - Mall

You were watching The Avengers (I think it's called Avengers Assemble outside the US) while writing this one, weren't you? Eh, I can't say anything, really. I just finished ripping off The Dark Knight. Nice chapter, really. Slow at first, with Brenda going shopping, but once the clothes are picked, things heated up real quick. Get the next one out when you can, I'm eager to read 'er.

Author's Response: It was just a few lines from the moviiiie xD And I did plan this scene for a while now~ Hopefully, now that I've got the ball rolling a good distance, the story should keep moving at a faster pace from now on :D

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 09/28/14 Title: Chapter 10: Chapter 10 - Fight

And so, half the people hate poor Sapphire, and half love her. Well, I assume they do. "The Light", huh? Wonder how their first job is gonna go. Gotta say, though, Brenda's father is a bit of an asshole. No wonder she doesn't want to talk to him.

Author's Response: There's definitely a mix of reactions, but there's definitely some hero love there for Sapphire :D Ohh Brenda's dad is definitely an arse, and I promise that he'll be even more so as the story progresses

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/01/14 Title: Chapter 11: Chapter 11 - Training

It's about time our female Tony Stark built her goddamn armor. Movie references, plenty of humor, and lots of insight into our heroes' powers. Then we have the introduction to the villain, who seems about as backwards thinking as Penelope is a futurist.

Onto the next one!

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 10/01/14 Title: Chapter 12: Intermission

Bruce Banter?! That wasn't intentional?! How?!

Author's Response: The name popped up randomly and I only caught it the second time proofreading.. xD I thought it was funny so I kept it

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 10/05/14 Title: Chapter 13: Chapter 12 - First Day

Tough broad, that Patricia. Granted, an elephant's hide would probably do that.

Human flesh is their only sustenance. Don't go looking for them, or it will be your flesh.
Rated: Adult 39 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 46397 Words: 106299 Chapters: 20 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Turned Into: Girlfriend, Object, Teenager
Featured Items: School Uniform
Locale: High School
Motivation for Change: Curse, Forced
Personality: Loses Identity, Made Smarter
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Story Theme: Mythical Setting, Witchcraft
Type of Change: Fast/Instant Change
Warnings: Death, Intense Violence, Torture
Series: Castaways
Published: 10/25/14
Updated: 11/27/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/30/14 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Midnight sun

Okay, this is my second time through this chapter, so it was a little easier, but I'm going to give you a few questions to answer.

-Sarah's a good name, but I do wonder why she didn't just go with "Nicole". Nicholas, Nicole, it just kind of makes sense. I don't have a problem with Sarah, I'd just like to know why she didn't just feminize her birth name.
-Sarah's a little too combat driven a little too early. Back when she was a guy, she described herself as scrawny and not very capable of fighting and now she's acting like she's a black belt and a semi-seasoned soldier. What the actual hell?
-"Hello, you've been kidnapped, taken to a school where you will learn how to fight monsters and here's your room." "Cool story bro." That's seriously how Sarah's introduction to the academy reads. Is this shock or is she just that accepting? I'm fairly certain I'd be running the hell away by now, gender change or not. Especially if I'm in shock after the death of at least one if not both of my parents.

None of this made the story bad in any way, they were just the things running through my mind as I read through this chapter. Maybe some things will be answered later, I don't know. Either way, I'll be onto the next chapter in due time.

Author's Response: Firstly, Sarah as a name was explained earlier. I thought up other later in the story but chose to stick with Sarah because it seemed legitimate. Sarah actively was not trying to think up a name and Anna evidently didn't like other names so did not offer up other names. Second part, she's a veteran based off of the shards she has and has acquired. When the principal explains the bronze shard he says 'it's equivalent to 50 hours training', a freshly awakened Heaven's shard has the build and capabilities of someone who has trained a lifetime, and lastly, the acceptance in being kidnapped is another thing that's forced into Sarah's system, chapter 5 and 6 has a character who dislikes Sarah originally (this changes). But ultimately, part three boils down to one big thing, these guys know about Castaways and Heaven's Falls usually are wired to kill Castaways. They feel more complete that way. All of this does get revealed later with the exception of the first question. But considering you said you read slow. I figured I might as well tell you now.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 09/19/15 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Midnight sun

Everything Wrong With -
Castaways, Chapter 1, Part 1
(Spoilers, duh)

- 'Crash. That's the second broken glass.' The second? So, you didn't go downstairs when the first glass broke? Does glass break in your house all the time? (+1)
- 'I'm standing by the door ear up against it, everything is dark and I can hear rummaging downstairs.' Grab a baseball bat, dumbass! (+1)
- 'I've been trying to get enough courage to walk downstairs and confront the noise directly for the past ten minutes since I woke up to the breaking of glass. But everything inside of me is telling me not to, including my not-so threatening appearance.' You heard the noise ten minutes ago, but because you don't think you look threatening enough, you stay upstairs while a potential burgler and/or rapist is downstairs breaking shit and ruining your house? I don't know if there are words strong enough to tell someone how stupid this, but for that, we have... (+1)
- 'All five feet six inches of me, with short blond short hair and the build of a stick.' What an amazingly convenient way to shoehorn in your appearance! (+1)
- '"Okay, okay. It's probably a raccoon or something rummaging through the rubbish, no need to be scared," I say to myself.' Power's out, shit's breaking, I hear noise coming from downstairs that's loud enough for me to hear upstairs, but, yeah, it's a raccoon. (+1)
- 'I shift uncomfortably on both feet before pulling the door open and running down the corridor with a guttural yell.' In the midnight hour she cried more, more, more With a rebel yell she cried more, more, more (+1)
- 'My is father pinned to the ceiling by a massive spike.' Horror cliche #241, dead guy on the ceiling with lightly dripping blood hitting the floor. It's always useful! (+1)
- 'I have never seen anything like it.' Well, if you had, the following description would be meaningless. Not to mention, if you had, well... There'd be no story. (+1)
- 'Huge forelegs stretch out before it like a horse's leg's, but with gigantic spiked tips. Back legs, like a human's with damaged shoes, a row of razor sharp teeth and an elongated face with solid green eyes. On its back are rows and rows of large spines bristling in the light breeze. Blood drips from its mouth, and a large green tongue slipped across its lips, savoring its fresh meal.' Discount Xenomorph from the Alien series. I mean, seriously discount Xenomorph from the Alien series. It's ridiculous how discount a Xenomorph from the Alien series this is. (+1)
- '"Or you'll what..? You'll give me indigessstion." It hisses, "Keh, keh, keh. You couldn't hurt a fly."' "Hello nice and tasty human, I'm going to insult you now and then eat my fucking words in five minutes when you slaughter my ass because this is the first chapter." (+1)
- 'I pick up a piece of wood from the doorway and raise it slightly.' "Hello demon monster that slaughtered my family, meet my 2x4!" (+1)
- '"Oh. An interesssting bit of prey. Reminds me when I was human. Nothingsss really changed sssince then anyway. Keh, keh, keh. I shall indulge your curiosssity."' And in one line of dialogue, the discount Xenomorph from the Alien series becomes an discount Cobra Commander from GI Joe. (+1)
- '"Fine, I am a Cassstaway." Roll credits! (+1)
- '"Hey, no more quessstionsss I anssswered you. Now you die!"' Am I an asshole for sinning the fact that the demon Xenomorph Cobra Commander decided to stop and talk to the main character after ripping the main character's family to shreds? I don't care. It's worth a sin. (+1)
- 'I bolt between its legs, grab them, and drag them with me to trip it up.' Hey, remember the earlier scene when this kid wouldn't go downstairs to find out why glass was breaking? (+1)
- 'Somehow the inevitable nature of the situation makes me far calmer.' But breaking glass made you nearly piss your pants?! (+1)
- '"Oh crap." I hear the creature say' Are you shitting me?! (+1)
- 'The street is dark once again. The lights from the street lamps illuminate the grisly scene.' Um... It's dark again? Did the Xenomorph Cobra Commander somehow provide a light source from its body and now that it's dead, the light is gone? How is it dark, yet the street lights are providing illumination? (+2)
- 'The injury on my right leg is gone. I'm surprised I didn't realize when I stood up.' Well, considering you've just created a metal weapon out of human matter, light exists yet doesn't work, you were shit-scared because of glass breaking but wrangled up the courage to assault a Xenomorph, yeah, it actually makes sense that you didn't realize the injury on your leg was gone. (+1)
- '"Sweet! So let's start with the thing you just killed," she starts. "So that thing, we call them Castaways. Those nutters did something super bad in their lifetime. Serial killers, murders, rapists, pedophiles. People who deserve really bad shit like lifetime in jail kinda people. Well, they got it real bad. Heaven doesn't want people like that, nah uh. They want respectable individuals. So when those guys die, well they kinda don't go to heaven. They stick around, which is why most people call 'em ghosts. They stick around. Worst part about them though is that they develop a taste for human flesh. Case and point, your dearly departed. Sorry for your loss." My heart sinks and I can feel tears in my eyes. She clears her throat to continue speaking. "Bigger problem is those big ugly bastards get uglier and stronger the more humans they consume. So we hunt them down and put them down."
My voice breaks slightly. "Then what the hell happened with me. My arm?"
"That's the second part. Just like there are castaways, there are Heaven's Falls. Good people in their passed lives who decided. 'Oh hey, heaven's boring as shit, and I wouldn't mind living again. Yo God hit me up and make me live again.' And God is all like 'Yeah, sure bro. Here, take this as a goodbye present.' That goodbye present is what we call a heaven shard, and you accumulate those fuckers. You live, you die, you live, you die. So on so forth until a Castaway attacks you. Then you cash those fuckers in for a kick ass weapon, and I have to say, yours is pretty kick ass. People like us want to become good people and save humans lives with these kick ass weapons." She stops for a moment. "Oh, by the way. The more heaven's shards you have the stronger you are. Story goes that enough heaven's shards allow you to use magic. But that requires a fuck load of heaven's shards, and usually just involves a special element. Any questions?"
"Too many," I say.
"All good. We've got a school for that. Which is where we're going, and if you are a newly awakened. I am seriously surprised you haven't collapsed from exhaustion yet. We train our bodies to increase the length we can use these weapons for, and a) Newly awakened are pretty bad at that. b) Newly awakened go through massive changes to their bodies structure and mental state, which usually involves getting some kick ass tattoos."' Look at all this wonderful exposition! (+1) Say, if you've got a school for this, wouldn't it actually make more sense not to tell the MC this until you take them to this magical school which teaches you how to slay demons with your arm weapons? (+1) Also, when it's painfully obvious that the MC not only knows jackshit about what's going on, why do you act like "Hey, bro, shit's cool"? (+1)
- 'The man and girl stand at the foot of my bed, the man is middle-aged with black and gray hair and a worried expression that has creased wrinkles into his face.' Discount every military commander in charge of a school from every anime ever. (+1)
- '"Yeah. His weapon was pretty wicked. Made the midnight sky shine like the day."' I imagine that 'The lights from the street lamps' Had absolutely no influence in this situation. (+1)
- 'He helps me up and I can feel the difference in weight on my chest and long blonde hair gets in my eyes. I'm still a little drowsy by the shock seems to have cleared that up. In the back of my mind though, my parents remain there, my worry for my Mother. The loss of my Father. But mourning comes with time. I feel a tear run down my cheek. God damn, my world comes crashing down.' Somehow noticing the difference from having boobs causes you to remember that your parents are dead. (+1)
- '"Sh.. This has all happened to everyone here. Everyone has felt loss similar to yours and are all willing to listen. We're all here to help."' But most of us will be dicks anyway, because... Well... I don't actually know why they'll be dicks. That's kinda stupid. (+1)
- '"the question most people ask is why Castaways have never been revealed. Why no-one has seen them."' Now that you say this, I do have to ask how a fight that was dragged out into a street and illuminated by a street light that somehow didn't illuminate anything was noticed by not even one single dumbass kid who was awake in the middle of the night looking at porno. (+1)
- '"when a Castaway is involved and killed, any proof of its existence is wiped away. Blood, body, kills, they will no longer exist. The deaths of the humans get fed slowly into a register or go 'missing' and the Castaway gets burned away for scraps we use to kill more."' So, assuming that regular old serial killers are still out doing what they do, doesn't this mean there are tons of mysterious deaths that don't fit into any pattern or involve cars crashing to explain them? Do the Heaven's Falls torch the houses of those who are murdered in their houses? (+1)
- '"In any case, we need a place for Heaven's Falls to go and live their lives and train, which is why this school exists. Welcome to Chosen Heaven's Academy, home of the 'greatest minds' in the world."' Einstein? Ben Franklin? Steve Jobs? Is this where Steve Jobs went when he died? Is Beethoven there? I know he's not exactly a 'great mind', but, y'know. (+1)
- '"In any case, we need a place for Heaven's Falls to go and live their lives and train, which is why this school exists. Welcome to Chosen Heaven's Academy, home of the 'greatest minds' in the world."' So, the very need for this school to train Heaven's Falls implies that there are a lot of Castaway kills going on out there. A lot of Castaway kills going on out there implies that way more people should know about the Castaways than "no one". The fact that so many people have been killed by Castaways suggests to me that somebody in this universe could hide 9/11. (+1)
- 'We exit the corridor into the a gigantic courtyard with huge concrete walkways and massive buildings of brick and marble, towers reaching for the sky and green foliage and bushes besides the walkways with areas of grass with benches.' Discount "Introducing Balamb Garden" scene from Final Fantasy VIII. (+1)
- '"Kind of.. We teach Heaven's Falls to live full free life. If you want to fight Castaways then we will train you for that. But no Heaven's Fall has to fight if they don't want to. Even you can return to a normal life if you want to."' This means that there are possibly hundreds of Heaven's Falls lounging around in bars and coffee shops and my ass none of them have said anything about what it is Heaven's Falls do! (+1)
- '"Then are going to be more deaths?"' That are horrible grammar. (+1)
- '"Then are going to be more deaths?"
"Much more."
"If I help, can they prevented?"
"Probably, yes."
"Then I will fight. I will burn holes in those things."' Yeah, odds are good you're not gonna help shit. (+1)
- '"Payments similar to that form will be things you will almost dance for, keep up now,"' Yep, either quiet life never seeing death and strange monsters again, or you can whore yourself out killing monsters! (+1)
- '"So another thing you should know. Heaven's falls can be acquired in different ways other than living and dying. They can also be cultivated by killing Castaways. That's what Castaways collect when they kill off humans. Every human has a single Heaven's shard, that's what allows them to live. Consuming their body and soul makes a castaway significantly stronger. When Castaways die, they leave a grown Heaven's shard, not too different from the weapon you hold.."' Yup. Humans are the equivalent of RPG treasure chests in this universe. Congrats! (+1)
- '"I'm glad you asked," he sticks a hand into his pocket and pulls out a small silver crystal that seems to brighten and darken, on and off like an electric surge. "This is yours" He hands me the small crystal.' He stole this from her while she was unconscious. (+1)
- '"Heaven's shards come in four subcategories. The most common is bronze which improves physical performance slightly, strength, speed, dexterity, constitution, so on so forth dependent on the crystal. Silver, the shard you hold, holds a significant change to those attributes and is slightly rarer. Gold is where things get wacky, they can give small things like poisoned weapons, ability to spit acid all the way to large wings, though they are incredibly rare and the castaways walking around with these things make the thing you killed look like a cockroach. Last but not least platinum shards, those things are nearly non-existent and do crazy things to the users body, similar to the wings but on a grander scale. Imagine standing at 20 feet tall and that's just a small thing it could do. Fighting Castaways who hold on to platinum shards is a suicide mission, I couldn't even begin to explain their power."' Can't even begin to explain their power? Yeah, bullshit. (+1)
- '"Heaven's shards come in four subcategories. The most common is bronze which improves physical performance slightly, strength, speed, dexterity, constitution, so on so forth dependent on the crystal. Silver, the shard you hold, holds a significant change to those attributes and is slightly rarer. Gold is where things get wacky, they can give small things like poisoned weapons, ability to spit acid all the way to large wings, though they are incredibly rare and the castaways walking around with these things make the thing you killed look like a cockroach. Last but not least platinum shards, those things are nearly non-existent and do crazy things to the users body, similar to the wings but on a grander scale. Imagine standing at 20 feet tall and that's just a small thing it could do. Fighting Castaways who hold on to platinum shards is a suicide mission, I couldn't even begin to explain their power."' I swear, these sound a lot like RPG power levels. Bronze are the common monsters you find in the world map, silver are the elite enemy guards, gold are the bosses you fight most of the time, and platinum are the bosses that knock you down to one HP before turning around and walking away. (+1)
- 'There's a long pause. "Wow. That's a lot to take in," I say finally.' I know! It's like the entire point of this scene is exposition! (+1)
- '"Ah, using it requires you to place it on your activated weapon where it will be absorbed"' This is exactly how Materia is used in Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. (+1)
- '"We sell large quantities of bronze shards, which are actually very minor changes and equate to maybe 50 hours or training in a specific area and expand the capabilities of that area slightly."' See this? This? This is how you avoid a training montage. In a 14,000 word chapter that could have been split into two 7,000 word chapters, of all things, you cut a training montage and explain it away with shitty exposition! (+1)
- '"Okay, I think I follow. Is there anything important I should know?"' All of this exposition and you thought none of it was important?! (+1)
- '"One more thing. You heal at an incredibly fast rate now. It's difficult to gage how fast, but an average Heaven's Fall heals at ten times the speed of a human and small cuts to large wounds can heal in minutes, to hours. Breaks can heal in days and severed limbs, broken neck. Things that would leave a human worse for wear and cannot be healed, well they can be as a Heaven's Fall."' And now we have the regenerating health mechanic from first person shooters. This story's nothing but an excuse to drop in video game mechanics, is it? (+1)
- '"Oh yes! Due to this healing factor we allow students to drink. Though it's kind of ill-advised due to the fact the alcohol sits in your system for maximum a minutes time which is severely disorienting. But we do allow it considering some of our students have seen horrific sights. Even a minute of forgetfulness is a minute of bliss for them, and the damage caused is minimal."' Can't drown your sorrows, hope you have a good life! (+1)
- '"You do. When you collapsed your body and mind changed to help you wield that weapon better. Trust it and you won't fail."' Don't think you can, know you can. (+1)
- '"Focus on your arm and close your eyes. You will see a door, open it."' Oh, now you're just stealing lines from the Matrix. (+1)
- '"Are you kidding me! That's something only a gold shard can do!"' And the main character's special, just like in an RPG! (+1)
- 'I hear the boy lean back on his right leg and watch him fly forward, I lean back on my right leg and wait. Suddenly we connect, cutlass flying towards my chest, or where it was, I complete the lean tumbling backward watching the cutlass pass harmlessly overhead and slam my heel into the boys chest, sending him flying. My left-hand touches the ground and I feel the muscles in my arm tense, before I fly off the ground spinning two handed blade making me a deadly spinning top. The boy is back on his feet I can see the surprise in his eyes as he raises his blade to defend against the blade. The blades connect, and I hear a loud crash and squeaking as the boy screeches across the floorboards. I grab the back of his cutlass with a free hand. and pull on it, the boy is still locked in place after taking the heavy blow, which allows a solid object to hoist off of. My entire body slams into his face and we tumble to the floor when all is over my blade sits next to his neck. The room is quiet.' This is an awesome fight scene, and I think I can find it in my heart to knock off one sin. Only one. (-1)
- '"That took you a while. Something wrong with my explanation?"' Yeah, something was wrong: I took forfuckingever. (+1)
- '"So, you will be attending the school just like any other students. You will take part in classes to learn to fight and classify Castaways and wield weapons such as guns and other blades including throwing knives," he says as we walk along.
"This school offers classes for that?"' What the hell else would this school be for?! (+1)
- '"For hunters yes, that being hunters of Castaways. There are humans who attend this school, however they take part as cleaners, information gatherers and inventors."' This is making it harder for me to accept that the world doesn't know about Castaways. (+1)
- '"Most people just spend time in their room though. Less chaotic and you still have a TV and a computer."' Y'know, for the porno. (+1)
- '"Why did it have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?" I slam my hand into the basin and I hear a small piece of porcelain break free and clatter on the ground. "I can't even control my own strength!" I yell hopelessly. I lift up my right arm sleeves hopelessly in tatters after the fight revealing the large tattoos the creatures are practically staring at me. I walk back into the room and drop onto the bare bed and close my eyes hoping that I can forget everything that happened.' I bet you wouldn't be doing this if you weren't a girl. (+1)
- 'I smirk. "It isn't funny. Stop it, you're making it hard to portray myself as the tragic heroine."' Because we need lots of those. (+1)
- '"Good, so big problem. What's your name?"
I grab the stuff on my bed and look at it. "Well, it 'was' Nick, but I don't exactly look like a Nick anymore."
"Hm, fair enough. How about... Yeah, I got nothing."
"Fucking useful right there." She keeps considering it and I stare at the uniform.' Useful for us to do this... (+1)

Part 1 Sin Tally: 55 (I know, that's low, but then again, it's only part one...)
Sentence: James Cameron's Naked Ass

We'll return with part 2 next week.

Author's Response: Aren't the sentences supposed to be relevant? Nevermind that, tis was early when I started writing Castaways and D&D was fresh in my mind and 2x4s meant that you go +10 to the feeling of safety and adrenaline gave you +3 to reflex rolls. Roll for sympathy check. 2. Damn it.

Its a nice piece sorry for leaving for like a year almost Lol and sorry about the typical sex crazed tranny part
Rated: Explicit 4 Reviews starstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 1227 Words: 1556 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Realistic Gender Change
Characters: None
Turned Into: Adult
Featured Items: Bikinis, Sex Toys, Undies
Series: None
Published: 11/20/14
Updated: 11/20/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstar
Date: 11/20/14 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

You didn't exactly get Lila's "broken English" across very well. She actually speaks very well for someone with supposedly "broken" English. The twist was done well, except that I'm pretty sure, drunk or not, Steven there would probably have run away, unless he's into she-males.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 11/20/14 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I forgot to mention this: The title is "Lisa's Story", but there's no one in the story called Lisa. Lila and Lisa are two different names. Even making a typo doesn't cover this one up.

Steph challenged me to write a story longer than 1000 words with one scene, due to my trouble writing longer things. So, here it is.
Rated: Kid-Friendly 3 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 1068 Words: 1035 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Realistic Crossdressing and TV
Characters: Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Series: None
Published: 11/20/14
Updated: 11/21/14
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/21/14 Title: Chapter 1: True Happiness

I'm get to the end of the story and I just want to be out on that dance floor, because I want to shout "Just fuck already!"

A collection of short stories, varied in nature.
Rated: Adult 23 Reviews starstarstarstar Story Incomplete Reads: 61599 Words: 9284 Chapters: 35 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Not Applicable
Warnings: Death, Politically Incorrect
Series: None
Published: 11/27/14
Updated: 05/30/17
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/27/14 Title: Chapter 1: Scuba Mishaps

There's something fishy about this story...

Author's Response: I know, that suit seems oddly wet...

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 01/21/16 Title: Chapter 22: Jack and Jill

I demand a prequel focusing on the unfortunate tale of that skeleton.

Author's Response: Not happening, it's boring and sad and painful

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 01/22/16 Title: Chapter 23: ThreeThreeThree

What the fuck did I just read and where did my pants go?

Author's Response: I can't really answer either of those questions, and I'm not going to try. But it probably has something to do with threes.

A mystery, a man named The Dealer, who takes the dead and places them in new worlds. Their names... Aces. People who will go on to change history, or fail trying. This is Shore's story, a Dragon Knight and The Dealer's newest Ace.
Rated: Explicit 253 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Story Incomplete Reads: 96856 Words: 208366 Chapters: 31 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Turned Into: Fantasy Character
Motivation for Change: Unknown, Willing or Voluntary
Personality: Made Smarter
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Type of Change: Fast/Instant Change
Warnings: Death, Intense Violence
Series: None
Published: 02/14/15
Updated: 02/17/16
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstar
Date: 02/14/15 Title: Chapter 1: Ace of clubs: Rigging the deck

A good rewrite. You've fixed every problem I originally saw (and a few I didn't until I read the other reviewers comments). Hopefully, the other reviewers accept the adjustments and changes you've made. Keep up the good work. My rating, however, remains unchanged, because my rating had nothing to do with the problems I saw before. This is probably a 4 !/2 star now, but I can't give half stars so I'm keeping it at four.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstar
Date: 02/16/15 Title: Chapter 2: Ace of Diamonds: Measuring the cost

This is more a running commentary and less of a review, but bear with me, okay?

Nice quick battle between Shore and the Blade-Beast. I will say, she must have some damn good bandages if those large breasts of hers are completely unnoticeable by everyone except Aliah. Seriously.

The reveal to Javar and Sean that, yes, Shore is a Dragon Knight is outrageously anti-climactic.

The fight against the wraith is good, though. Very good.

"My appetite was monstrous and I couldn’t ignore it, I could stop myself" That last line should be "I couldn't stop myself".

Sean... Sean... You don't watch a girl bathe. Unless you're married to her. You...

Kars. Cars. Yeah. You knew it was a bad pun and you went for it anyway.

Hrm... As soon as the Dealer shuts a part of Shore's emotions off, she suddenly becomes more playful. Interesting.

Now, onto the actual review portion of this review. This was a pretty slow chapter. This isn't a bad thing, but it's not a good thing either. Too many of these may destroy the pace of your story eventually. Still, this is getting better. The character interactions are getting significantly better, and the action was very good. Keep this up and you may get five stars from me eventually. This is still a solid four and half, though.

Author's Response: Then it shall be responded to:

You know my comments about Javar and Sean, at this point it's a running joke.

If it was in a situation where they weren't going to be killed, had Shore not saved them, then the reveal would have been a bit more excessive. Due to the existence of the Thunder-Wraith they didn't have time to go through a whole thing of surprise, however, be sure they freaked out while Shore killed the Wraith and ate the Wraith.

Glad you liked the fight.

Fixed now.

You know my thoughts on Sean and Javar.

I know... I'm sorry D:

The Dealer cheats, I believe I've said this multiple times. Considering he had access to every single emotion, it's possible that he did more than strip away the ability to feel remorse, though I won't say anything about what The Dealer did or didn't do. That's a whole bunch of sneaky secrets.

I know a lot about slow chapters and the like, though I should be working on revealing the World in the next couple chapters. If I can get my hands on a reasonable map maker and get back into my map making routes from D&D we'll see a map of this world and maybe the Betrayer soon enough. My first aim in this story is to set the scene, to make sure that we gain some knowledge of the World, then it will be establishing the Aces of Circa and her brother (though I know who they are and where they are too). It might be a bit slow, but it won't destroy the pace of my story.

In the not-so-distant future, Virtual Reality gaming has become the new way to play. Among the many mmorpgs out there, Nurtha has a reputation for being one of the most unique games of its kind. Its competitive scene isn't very large, but it has a dedicated player base and a massive world. When two gamers log on, they find that the game is a little more than they anticipated.
Rated: Adult 14 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Story Incomplete Reads: 11463 Words: 22800 Chapters: 4 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs), Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Locale: Space or Foreign Planet
Motivation for Change: Accident, Willing or Voluntary
Story Theme: Mythical Setting
Type of Change: Fast/Instant Change, Mechanical Device
Series: None
Published: 05/09/15
Updated: 05/18/15
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 05/20/15 Title: Chapter 1: Colonist: Nurtha

Note: This is a joke review, so don't take it seriously. Just take the rating seriously, because that's the only thing that is.

For this review, I'm going to write it in the spirit of CinemaSins.

- 'I open the Amazon box' Amazon (+1)
- 'There’s a blurb about the game' Blurb about the game is ignored (+1)
- 'It looks like the generic medieval fantasy rpgs that are a dime a dozen on the back. The front has a complicated, organic spaceship orbiting a planet with two rings and a large moon.' Front of the case shows something that looks like the poster for Interstellar, but the back of the case shows a generic medieval fantasy game, these two things don't go together. (+1)
- 'I lie down on my bed with the VR interface on my chest, and pop the game card into the Brain Diver. It hums for a second, then a green light appears on it. I slide it on, and make sure that none of the cables are kinked, then strap the chin strap, and press the button to start it. The visor slides down over my face, and I feel the helmet press against my head to keep itself from moving. I close my eyes, and the helmet begins syncing.
A glowing patch of light moves in front of my eyes, tracing out the shape of an infinity symbol. The letters “BD” appear underneath the patch of light. I wait for the helmet to sync, and when it asks me if I want to play Nurtha I say yes. A blinding white light flashes in my eyes, then the rest of my senses are checked with sounds, smells, flavors, and feelings. I blink to clear my eyes, and the planet and ship from the box slowly fade into view. A shadowy female figure appears in front of me and begins to explain the two factions of the game.' Advanced virtual reality (+1)
- '“Skip all.” I say. I already know which faction I’m picking.
I listen to it for a few seconds, then tune it out. It’s just generic technobabble.' Still ignoring blurbs and useful information, are you trying to cause the wrath of something that's likely hidden in the game? (+1)
- 'It’s not like the chunky drop pods in the old Halo games.' Halo. (+1)
- 'Directly in front of me is a recessed red button. I don’t push it.' Somebody's seen Men in Black. (+1)
- ' I glance up to the top of my pod, and see the words, “Avatar Generating…”' Are they blue people? I bet they're blue people. (+1)
- 'A small handgun emerges from a hidden panel in the seat beside me' Yes, because this is not something that you would have ready before getting in the drop pod. (+1)
- 'Holy shit. The world is incredible. It feels one hundred percent real.' I would ding this just because the point of virtual reality is to make something look and feel real, but I'm actually going to take a moment to point out that earlier you said 'The continents look like they’re actually changing' which is not something that any real world does. (+1)
- 'The pod has a handy mirror for looking at myself' Because that's something that drop pods have all the time. (+1)
- 'I’m about five-foot eleven and willowy. I’ve got a cute, if somewhat angular, face, and long brown hair that’s pulled back in a tight ponytail. My eyes are a deep chocolate, and are shaped about like mine in the real world. I’m wearing a shifting, loose set of sheer cream robes with a skin-tight white jumpsuit underneath.' Shouldn't you have already known this? Shouldn't you have decided what your avatar looked like before getting slammed in a drop pod and shot down to this world? That's how games work today. (+1)
- 'I’m not quite sure what energy does, but I assume I’ll figure it out soon enough.' See. If you'd listened to Cortana earlier, or perhaps taken a look at the packaged instruction manual, you'd know exactly what energy does. But, instead, you chose to ignore everything and now you're probably going to suffer the wrath of the AI Gods, it's almost obvious. (+1)
- 'He’s wearing a tight white jumpsuit with grey pleather patches on the shoulders and elbows' Pleather. (+1)
- 'The boy is trying hard not to stare at my breasts, and I feel a sense of sick satisfaction growing in my gut as he quite obviously fails.' Not only is this guy trying not to stare at her, she's satisfied that he's not. Every girl who's breasts I stare at tends to slap me instead of liking it. (+2)
- 'There’s not any tutorial level for the game. It just drops you in and lets you sink or swim.' See, maybe if you'd listened to Cortana earlier, or taken a look at the packaged instruction manual... *sighs* I know. I know. I've already sinned this once. This time it's worth two sins. (+2)
- '“Works for me. Wanna buddy up until we figure out what the hell we’re doing?” He doesn’t wait for my response, and instead starts walking down the top of the grassy hill we’ve landed on.' Guy asks girl to join him on his quest and then apparently decides that walking away from her will mean she says yes. (+1) And the worst part is...
- 'I follow him down the hill, “Sure. Where are we going, oh fearless leader?”' It works. (+1)
- 'I found a section labelled “skills” earlier, and I want to see what that was about, because the game isn’t supposed to have skills' Well, y'see, how do you know this? You ignored all the blurbs, the packaged instruction manual, any information that Cortana gave you. You walked into this blind. And if you did do some research, why don't you know more? Did you just read that there were two factions and blindy decide "I'm gonna be a colonist!" and go on your merry way? This gets three sins. (+3)
- '“I don’t know. I’m looking for the region map so I can find a town or something.”' I doubt finding a map would help if 'The continents look like they’re actually changing'. The cities would likely be changing, too. (+1)
- 'I quickly flip through the screens, and pull up the region map.' So, instead of just telling him where the map is, you just emasculate him by finding it within seconds while he's been looking for awhile. (+1)
- 'The game didn’t ask for a username' So let me get this straight. This game asks you one thing, and only one thing, and that's for your faction. It doesn't ask for a name, it doesn't let you pick your avatar desgin, and if you skip what Cortana tells you, you're shit out of luck in every way shape and form. Yeah, nobody would play this game. (+1)
- '“Uhhh...I guess my gamertag? I use Spudnugget on Live, so Spud?”' There's a few sins here. An advanced virtual reality gaming rig is going to use Xbox Live gamertags. (+1) Xbox Live. (+1) And this guy's name. (+1)
- '“Let’s see if I can figure out how to add you to my contacts…”
After a suitably confusing and infuriating five minutes, we’ve figured out how to work the contact system, and have each other added as contacts. ' *Sigh* I'm gonna add another four sins because this is the fourth time you've had a hard time doing something that could have been easily dealt with by, at the very least, reading the packaged instruction booklet. (+4)
- '“Thanks for the heads up, Princess.”' That's racist. (+1)
- 'There is a large red lever that looks like it could be used to open the door manually.' A red button and now a red lever, if a red doorknob or something like that shows up later, I'm going to be both not-surprised and very-pissed. (+1)
- 'I guess the Colonists believe in redundancy.' Natasha just randomly seems to believe the Colonists built this building. (+1)
- ' There’s a man behind the counter with half of his head replaced by gleaming metal. He has a whirring, mechanical eye that, seemingly at random, blinks different colors.' Double cameo! Mortal Kombat's Kano and that dude from The Last Starfighter! (+2)
- 'I’m not sure what he could make with all of those things, but I think it’s a safe bet that there aren’t many things he couldn’t make.' No, I bet he's McGuyver. (+1)
- '“I’ll explain what the game’s about in a second..."' I can almost guarantee they'll ignore you. Natasha at least. She's ignored everything else at this point. (+1)
- Also, why is the game leaving it up to somebody that people would come across randomly to explain the game? They didn't have to enter this building, I'm sure probably a thousand people have completely ignored it. This seems like a poor game mechanic. (+1)
- 'The robot beeps, then goes into the back room through a sliding door in the wall with Spud’s staff. It begins operating the complicated machines in the back, first cutting the staff into pieces, then welding and running wires and such. After about thirty seconds I lose track of what’s going on.' Told you. He's McGuyver. (+1)
- ' “Nobody is gonna actually die if you accidentally shoot them, but the game will put a bounty on you, and whoever you shot will be pretty pissed off.”' Game that relys on multiple people playing it puts a restriction on players fighting other players. I guess there's no human enemies in this game. (+1)
- '“I’ll get to that in a second, but first I want to show you how to mod your gun.”' "Im going to tell you, but first I have to tell you this trival piece of information you could have learned from the instructions" video game cliche. (+1)
- 'I suggest that until you learn how to do it yourself..."' Considering how much else has either been left up to the players to figure out or put in the instructions for the players to ignore, it seems "learn[ing] how to do it yourself" should be the name of the game. (+1)
- '“Now, I’m part of a welcoming committee for my corp. It’s my job to help out new players, and give them an intro to the game. It’s why I’m camped out in this town. You’re lucky you ended up here. We keep the area clear of noob hunters, but other noob spawns aren’t so lucky. You can call me Steve.”' See, this game assumes people are going to wander upon this random building and talk to this guy. The developers could have easily put every bit of his introductory information to Cortana at the beginning, which would have been the smarter option anyway. The devs have doomed noobs to immediate loss because not everybody spawns near this town. (+5)
- 'By the time he’s done, I have a good understanding of how most of the basic mechanics work, and a tentative understanding of the more complex ones.' So Natasha listens to this guy, but Cortana at the beginning could go fuck off? Sin, sin, sin, sin, sin! (+5)
- 'you can mod your avatar' This should have been done at the beginning of the game! (+1)
- '"The game’s pre-generated outfits are absolute crap.”' Then why doesn't the game allow you to pick your clothes to begin with? If everyone admits that the pre-generated outfits are crap, then why are there pre-generated outfits at all?! (+1)
- '“Okay, that’s all I can do for you guys..." You're acting as if you're sending them out with a solitary candle and a lone matchstick! You've done more for them than any one or thing at this point! Of course, if they'd just read the packaged instruction manual... (+1)
- '“No clue. Wanna figure it out, oh Map Master?”' That's racist! (+1)

Sin Tally: 55
Verdict: Jacked (but not into the Matrix)

Author's Response: Huh. Better than Man of Steel. Not too bad. To be honest, half of the stuff you pointed out will become clear later, so keep reading. However, if you would have just listened to what Nat said..."I listen to it for a few seconds, then tune it out. Itís just generic technobabble." She wasn't lying. It really was useless technobabble. So, by my count, assuming that you ignore all the sins that had to do with not listening to cortana, my score is: 39

Not bad.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 05/21/15 Title: Chapter 2: Gifted: Wrapped up

(Note: Again, this is a joke review. Only take the rating seriously.)

Everything Wrong With -
Chapter 2

- 'Fireballs flying into a canyon with a battle raging beneath. A city of stone brick buildings with thatched roofs and stone sidewalk, with people walking within in strange armor.' I would sin this for not technically matching up with what the previous chapter said, but I'm going to sin this for the second chapter being the first time we get an adequate description of those screenshots on the back of the case. (+1)
- 'A popular game which the players run, or so the game devs say. Minimal NPCs, maximum players.' And yet they have restrictions on fighting other players. (+1)
- 'The only reason this game is in my hand is I need something to do while I’m waiting for Demons: Hellrider' Man after Amazon and Halo in the last chapter, I'm just gonna go ahead and sin this for not being product placement. (+1)
- 'I walk over to the small console and pull open the disc tray' Um... In the last chapter, Natasha had to do this, 'I lie down on my bed with the VR interface on my chest, and pop the game card into the Brain Diver' which doesn't sound at all like what this guy's doing. (+1)
- 'Do you wish to play Nurtha?' No, game helmet or what-the-hell-ever, they only put the disc in to look at the pretty menus, they absolutely do not want to play the game. (+1)
- '“The World of Nurtha is-” She starts, her face echoing.
“Skip,” I interrupt.
“There are two-”
“Skip! Skip, motherfucking skip!” I yell, drowning out her voice.' I feel like I sinned this enough in the last chapter that I should let it go, but no. I'm not going to. Add six sins. (+6)
- 'It’s an unskippable cutscene. What the fuck? Are the people who play this game brain dead or what? It’s not hard to play an MMO, it’s not hard to understand mechanics and I’m definitely not interested in seeing the world of Nurtha and I don’t want to listen to some shitty folk stories.' This guy didn't read the last chapter. (+1)
- 'It’s an unskippable cutscene.' Yeah, right, because those tend to be long and boring and absolutely not useful. Unskippable cutscenes are usually the ones you really need. (+1)
- 'It’s an unskippable cutscene.' I hate to be the guy who sins this same scene three times, but... Where was this unskippable cutscene in the last chapter? Natasha didn't have to watch a cutscene, she just had to land. And if you're going to try and tell me that was the cutscene, then the hell with it. I'm just gonna add two sins. One for the inconsistency and one for the potential explanation. (+2)
- '“Now go, go, my child, rise and be born.”' Okay, so are you trying to tell me that this flight across the lands is somehow the womb? Because that's just sinful right there. (+1)
- ' “Stupid fucking game! Who makes unskippable cutscenes!? This isn’t the 2000s. Fuck!”' Well, actually, I don't know. Natasha in the last chapter is either a teenager or in her early-mid 20s, and she remembers Halo. I have to imagine this is only set no more than 15 years into our future, and we still have unskippable cutscenes now. (+1)
- 'Sometimes the avatar does this, giving a voice that’s different' Well, considering this game is supposedly so user oriented that it doesn't let users even make their own avatars, I'd say giving the player a different voice is just plain sinful. Yep. (+1)
- ' I keep running my hands lower, down my neck, onto my chest, the dirty, red linen shirt covering two tits taking refuge in my shirt' Okay, this steamy groping scene is good enough to remove a sin. (-1)
- 'The flat stomach and the hourglass figure, the smooth crotch, lack of junk evident, “What the flying fuck on planet asshole, with the residents being shit consuming ass-monkeys!” I shriek, stumbling to my feet.' Even more groping and an incoherent curse-filled rant? Oh yeah, two sins removed for this one. (-2)
- 'I was planning to go back to the store and refund this shitty game, until I realized that it’s non-refundable, costed nearly $200' Wait a minute... So, in this future where Halo is still a thing when it's clearly on its way out in modern day, games are $200 and non-refundable? Shit, that is worth four sins, two for each piece of bullshit. (+4)
- 'Are these game devs idiots or just trying to fuck over players?' Well, considering how many of the players must skip Cortana at the beginning, I'm gonna say they deserve it. You deserve what you get for skipping the obvious AI helper that only wants to help you. It's like everybody in this story would receive two items, a piece of wood and a nail, and then somebody else walks up offering the hammer. The players of this game would apparently just pick up the nearest rock and use that rather than take the obviously better option. (+1)
- 'The tree wasn’t large in the beginning, but with my strength and the spikes weakening the tree, the entire tree comes down in a few moments. There’s an element of satisfaction in that. I sigh, well I now have to leave this hole and see what I can do, maybe if I can pick up some quests or tasks.' Taking down this tree was a monumentous and necessary action and no one can question that. No one! (+1)
- 'I have another stupid mechanic to complain about.' I bet you could have gotten this game second hand at a cheaper price. You're the idiot who payed $200 for it, shut your damn mouth. (+1)
- 'I move past the bottleneck and out into massive plains which seem to go on for miles' Hrm... The geography seems to be a little screwed up here, because just a moment ago, 'There’s a massive forest bottle necking and leading off towards what I think is a city or town' and no mention of any plains. Seems to me that you could have seen those plains if you saw the city or town. (+1)
- '“Call me sweet stuff again and I’ll feed your face to your ass, maybe you’ll shit out something that looks better.”' Whoa! There's another sin removed. (-1)
- '“So how about this,” he flies down landing in front of me and raising his staff at me, “You transfer your money to me and I’ll forget about that insult and even show you how to earn more money.”' 1970s New York decides to attack our valiant heroine. (+1)
- 'I interrupt him with the dagger and he screams out in pain and I keep stabbing him, over and over again.' This is straight up torture. Shouldn't those rules governing players fighting players come into effect sometime soon? (+1)
- '"I swear I’m going to give a GM a piece of my mind when I figure out how this shit works,”' *Sighs* If you had just listened to Co - Y'know what? I'm not even gonna mention this anymore. This one is now worth fifteen sins just so I don't have to bring this up again in future chapters. (+15)
- 'It’s nowhere near a town, it’s a small Village.' Considering you saw it from afar and likely misjudged its size, how is this the developers' problem? You say, '“What the fuck is wrong with this system, they can’t even get the maps right!”' as if they caused this on purpose, and that's not even bringing in the fact that Natasha as well as you have mentioned that the continents are constantly changing shape when you're viewing the game world from the sky. Two sins for this shit. (+2)
- 'have some fucking weirdos roleplaying in some inn' That's racist. (+1)
- 'Medium length black hair partially covering his green eyes, and stubble covering his chin.' Discount emo. (+1)
- '“I’m here to waste time productively, not waste time stupidly.”' Words cannot describe how stupid this line is. Sins can, however. (+8)
- '“You’ve got spunk, I’ll give you that, but I think wasting time whether it’s productive or stupid doesn’t change a damn thing. You’re still wasting time, and wasting time stupidly is always more fun,”' Words... failing... again... (+9)
- 'I can’t really lose anything from trusting them' Says the girl who immediately didn't trust the last guy she came across. (+1)
- '“You need to grab a standing bounty and then go hunt it."' Congrats, you've just explained a thing that doesn't need to be explained to anyone with passing knowledge of the term "bounty hunter". (+1)
- '“A really good bounty, not so good for you though,”' Is it: A) Azran himself? B) Our intrepid heroine? C) Random character we haven't met to be introduced later? D) Gandalf the White? (+1)
- '“A really good bounty, not so good for you though,”' "It's awesome but not for you" cliche. (+1)
- '“Whoa, I’m not sure a poison monster is a great quest for you, getting poisoned kinda sucks as a Gifted, you’ll have to wait for it to fade,” he warns.
“That’s fine, I’ll manage.”' "Don't do this, it's too dangerous" "I'll manage" cliche. (+1)
- '“It’s fine, no skin off my nose, do whatever you want, we’ll be around here. If you survive that is.”' "I don't care if you die, we'll be here if you don't" cliche. (+1)
- '“Oh, yeah, considering I’m doing what you want, you owe me something,”' "I'm doing this because of you and you owe me" cliche, jeez, somebody cranked up the Cliche Machine and said "This is awesome!" didn't they? (+1)
- '“How can I trust you?” I say, suspicious.' Oh, now you're suspcious of them? Goddamnit. (+1)
- '“You could just ignore our attempts to help you and run off and die, it doesn’t matter to me.”' I'm gonna take a sin off for this chick saying something that makes sense. (-1)
- 'explosive poison, neat,' I'm not sure there's anyone on any world on any plane of existence who thinks that explosive poison, a very impractical kind of poison anyway, is "neat". (+1)
- 'The chain in my hand slackens and I start falling towards the water, I raise the dagger, sending shards of ice towards the Pondarr and the water. the Pondarr is about halfway in the water, trying to swim and then gets hit by the ice, which covers it and freezes the water turning it into a large ice sculpture.' I'mma take a sin off for this scene being awesome. (-1)
- 'The light in front of me shimmers, and familiar black chain appears, I look up to see that Azran guy with his mace in his hand, runic marking shining on it, “You followed me,” I groan.' See, he follows you, but you trusted him right away. The girl before didn't do anything to earn any distrust, and but she wasn't trustworthy for some reason? Yeah, Bullshit. (+1)
- 'He laughs, “Let’s head back, I’ll tell you how we’ll get to the city.”' I wouldn't. She'll ignore you. (+1)
- It only took ten hours of Transformers movies for Grimlock to show up. Oh, wait, this isn't Transformers. Sin for this not having Grimlock from Transformers. (+1)

Sin Tally: 70
Sentence: Into the Fires of Mount Doom (From whence it came)

Author's Response: CinemaSins your CinemaSins? Nah. Too much effort and not much sense. It was fun while it lasted, but obviously according to these rules I need more pure unadulterated awesome, groping and swearing. Apparently I need a tentacle fight... It was fun. Is it okay if I feel happy about having sins that is a round number? Cause I am.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 05/22/15 Title: Chapter 3: Colonist: Teamup

(Just covering my bases, this is a joke review, remember that.)

Everything Wrong With
Chapter 3

- 'I glance at my map, we’re still at least six hours out of Steelhaven' How can this measurement of time actually be determined if the continents are continuously changing? Or, are the continents not actually changing? This seems like something that should have been big and is now being ignored. Huh... Kinda like something else. (+1)
- 'Just like everything else in the game, the food is amazingly realistic.' Natasha continues to completely ignore what VR is supposed to do. (+1)
- 'It tastes just like greasy diner food' She also walks into a greasy diner and expects the food to taste differently. I'm gonna go ahead and give that two sins. (+2)
- 'I shrug, “East coast USA, you?”
He swallows, “I’m in the Midwest. Small world, huh?”' Wow, that's very descriptive. The both of you may as well have said "Earth". Or, "A city". (+1)
- 'and we go to get me a new outfit.' Because Spud doesn't care what he wears. Honestly, his name's Spud. He should be worrying more about that than clothes. (+1)
- 'and we go to get me a new outfit.' Isn't just like a girl to want to buy new clothes all the damn time? (+1)
- 'the earth around it is disturbed as if it was just dropped in place' Fuck you, structural integrity and potential destructive weather patterns, we ain't building no foundations! (+1)
- 'A few minutes I’ve emerged with a hologram' I'm gonna sin this for poor grammar. (+1)
- 'It’s a completely black baggy jumpsuit with lots of pockets' And I'm gonna sin this for being a purposefully ridiculous outfit. (+1)
- '“You look like a complete idiot. Do you not know how to dress yourself?”' And I'm gonna sin this for Spud being a complete fucktard. Remember what he was wearing? 'He’s wearing a tight white jumpsuit with grey pleather patches on the shoulders and elbows.' Thanks for being the pot to Natasha's kettle, Spud. (+1)
- 'we decide to go with a tight gray jumpsuit. It’s got darker patches of a thick nylon weave on my hips, shoulders, elbows, knees, and shins.' Goddamnit, now she's going with his stupid fashion statement? Three sins for a strong-willed girl giving into a bullshit outfit idea. (+3)
- 'Spud decides to only change the colors of his starter jumpsuit, opting for a blue and black color scheme.' (+4)
- 'we’ve agreed to meet back at the greasy diner' Oh, you mean that greasy diner that you didn't expect to find greasy food in? (+1)
- 'Steelhearth' Steelhearth? It was Steelhaven before. (+1)
- '“I don’t know of anything with the quality you’ll want for under 10K.” I’m about to leave when he takes his hand out of his mouth, “Actually...let me check the back. "' "I'm not sure I have what you want, let me check in the back" cliche. And for an added sin, '"I might have something I made for a client who never came to get it."' "Somebody bought this but never picked it up" cliche. (+2)
- ' “I want to see it in action, so if you do a bounty with it and let me watch, I’ll throw in the ammo for free.”' I'm not sure if this guy is a player or an NPC, but either way, he was born to be an RPG character. He's got the "Do this for me and I'll give you what you want" RPG cliche down pat. (+1)
- 'I check my downloads and see that my skills have finished downloading.' This is a VR game in the future, and download speeds are still this shitty? These skills would be a maximum 25mb download! (+1)
- 'Spud hasn’t responded to my PM, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I check my map really quickly, and see that he’s still in the same place he was in twenty minutes ago. Huh. Whatever, he’s fine, and he’ll respond when he can.' He hasn't moved, hasn't responded to your PM, and you somehow think he's fine? Bitch, that asshole's dead by now! (+1)
- 'I’m pretty sure he’s asleep' No he's not. He's obviously just waiting to go zen on that dinosaur's ass when you fuck up. (+1)
- You know what this chapter needs? Some unnecessary bullet time. 'Time slows around me' Shit! (+1)
- '“Good job, me.”' Yes, applaud yourself on a job of nothing well-done. (+1)
- 'He grins evilly up at me, “Thanks for weakening the monster for me! I probably couldn’t have made the bounty without your help!”' This guy is a dick, pure and simple. (+1)
- 'I’ll have to think of a name for it soon' I know this is an RPG, and people in RPGs always have names for their weapons, but... no, no you don't have to name your gun. (+1)
- 'The girl with black hair kicks the shopkeeper, and the Horkk steps on him. He pops. Like a grape. I cringe at the gore' So, is this guy dead? Is he now sitting in his house with a VR helmet on drooling onto the floor? How is this not straight up murder? (+1)
- 'There’s a literal wave of sound from the rifle, and I make a mental note to buy earplugs.' Clearly this girl has never actually been on a firing range. Even with earmuffs, guns are not quiet. (+1)
- 'Yep. I’ve got a cool 25,000 credits and change.' Congrats, you just murdered a man. Here's your reward. (+2)
- 'I met up with Spud, and it turns out he was getting body mods implanted.' Goddamnit, this asshole's not dead. (+1)
- '“I don’t quite trust randoms unless I’m in the safety of a city zone anymore.”' No, that's not true at all. The only randoms you trust are emo guys who give you no reason to trust them, follow you, and generally don't help. (+1)
- '“Here’s the Sckops, and here’s the notes that are online for it.”' Wow, so in the future, nobody's shamed for using a strategy guide. (+1)
- '“One thing before we do all this,” She turns to Spud grinning, “Spud? Do you need more cheese with that potato?”
Spud doesn’t miss a beat, “Only if you’re supplying,” he says with a grin.' This fucking joke. (+15)
- 'My proximity droid has made a catalogue of most of the big monsters around' Umm... 'The Horkk snaps a tentacle out, and impales my droid' 'the Horkk snorts then breathes fire, melting the chassis of my droid' Yeah, you ain't getting shit from that thing. (+2)
- 'Spud yells in response, and runs to the opposite side, getting right up next to the Sckops’s legs. He drops a plasma bomb on the ground behind him, and keeps running. When he’s right under its chained tail, he does something, and the Sckops screeches, starting to turn to face him. It’s head ends up right over the white orb, and when the plasma bomb goes off, its head is snapped upwards, only stopping when the armor plates catch.' I've gotta take a sin off for Spud actually doing something awesome. I never thought that'd happen. (-1)
- 'It shakes its head then screeches again, and snaps a tail at Spud. He manages to dodge most of the attack, but is knocked to the ground when the tail glances him. He yells something inaudible, and tosses another one of the white flares. I fire a bullet at the Sckops’s head, and the impact snaps it to the side, pulling its attention off of Spud.' Yet another awesome moment involving Spud, goddamnit! (-1)
- 'Spud shakily pushes himself to his feet, and grimaces. He takes a breath, then runs in while the Sckops is distracted. He slides between its legs, ending up underneath the Sckops. He does something which makes the Sckops shudder, then crawls out from under it, drenched in red goop.' Three scenes that are nothing but undisputed awesome that involve the stupidest character in the story. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit! Three sins removed! (-3)
- 'Spud tells me that she’s based out of Steelhearth.' It was Steelhaven before, goddamnit! (+1)

Sin Tally: 50
Sentence: Wait a minute! Bonus Round Incoming!

Spud's Name Bonus Round

- 'Spud and I make it to a new town' (+1)
- 'Spud is stronger than me' (+2)
- 'smirking at Spud' (+3)
- 'Spud sighs' (+4)
- 'Spud’s retracted his staff and clipped it onto his vest' (+5)
- 'Spud says through a mouthful of greasy hashbrowns' (+6)
- 'I glance across at Spud just as he clears his menus out' (+7)
- 'Spud wants to mod his staff some more' (+8)
- 'Spud leaves his staff with a mod bot' (+9)
- 'where Spud and I met Steve' (+10)
- 'Spud snorts as soon as he sees me' (+11)
- 'Spud decides to only change the colors of his starter jumpsuit,' (+12)
- 'I dash off a quick PM to Spud' (+13)
- 'Spud hasn’t responded to my PM' (+14)
- 'I send a PM to Spud' (+15)
- 'I met up with Spud' (+16)
- 'Spud moves to speak' (+17)
- 'Spud here’ll be a better help than I will' (+18)
- 'for you and Spud to get the kill' (+19)
- 'I glance at Spud' (+20)
- 'Spud starts flipping through menus' (+21)
- 'Spud’s found the bestiary entry' (+22)
- 'I scroll through it as Spud walks over to the girl' (+23)
- 'you can tell Spud what to do' (+24)
- 'She turns to Spud grinning' (+25)
- 'Spud? Do you need more cheese with that potato?' (+26)
- 'Spud doesn’t miss a beat' (+27)
- 'I shunt the waypoint to Spud' (+28)
- 'I see the Gifted girl and Spud' (+29)
- 'Spud starts jogging towards it' (+30)
- 'It allows Spud and the girl to get into position' (+31)
- 'Spud yells in response' (+32)
- 'snaps a tail at Spud' (+33)
- 'pulling its attention off of Spud' (+34)
- 'Spud shakily pushes himself to his feet' (+35)
- 'but can’t get to Spud' (+36)
- 'and as soon as Spud is clear he sprints out of range' (+37)
- 'get its tail ready to snap at Spud' (+38)
- 'but it lets Spud get clear' (+39)
- 'and Spud tells me' (+40)

Sin Tally: 870
Sentence: Death By Spud

Author's Response: I don't know, Hikaro. I would have gone with Spudpocalypse. It just has a better sound to it.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 05/24/15 Title: Chapter 4: Gifted: Chainwarden

(Joke review. Remember that.)

Everything Wrong With
Chapter 4

- '"Assran, are we heading to Steelhearth now or what?"' Considering this was Steelhaven once and Steelhearth every other time, I'm just gonna keep on sinnin' this. (+1)
- '“In a moment, let’s get… Wait what’s your name?”' Dude, you sent her to fight something, then followed her, and you're only now asking for her name? (+1)
- '“My name doesn’t really matter, just call me Chainwarden.”' Of course your name doesn't matter. (+1)
- '“My name doesn’t really matter, just call me Chainwarden.”' "My name is not important" cliche. (+1)
- '“My name doesn’t really matter, just call me Chainwarden.”' And yet another thing getting sinned three times, but... Chainwarden? What idiot named you? Oh, wait. (+1)
- 'The other guy groans' You know exactly who this guy is. He's your stalker. (+1)
- 'giant rabbit that can run super fast' I'm not saying I have a problem with fantasy on the one side and sci-fi on the other but... The only thing these game devs could think about to give the fantasy people a transport is a giant rabbit? No. Not at all. No. (+1)
- 'it’s an old fashioned general store with a bunch of stuff on the walls, from daggers and swords to empty vials and red potions' No general store has these items. No general store. Laundry detergent, tampons, cereal, cookery and probably a trash can, yes. Daggers, swords, empty vials and red potions, no. (+1)
- 'holy crap those potions are expensive, 350 Face each' 'a small ticket, made of a yellow material, she places it with the potions and the price increases by 100 to 800 Face' Take note kids, health is more expensive than giant bunny rides. (+1)
- 'I’m sitting on around 4,200 Face' 'as expected, 3,423 Face left' No. No, this should not have been expected. You had a round amount to begin with and you spent a round amount. This will not leave you with an odd amount. And if you didn't start with a round amount, then why didn't you just say that to begin with? (+1)
- 'All of a sudden a gigantic rabbit comes sprinting over to the stairs grinding to a halt next to them. The people climb to their feet and start climbing the stairs.
We follow them onto the Smeep and hand our ticket to a man waiting, when everyone has boarded the man returns to the front and grabs a rein and all of a sudden we’re forced into seats as it takes off.' So... How does the giant rabbit move? Is it on all fours at all time? Is it always hunched over? Is everybody sitting on a stable seat that doesn't bounce when the rabbit hops which is what rabbits do? Does the rabbit care that it's a mode of transportation for beings it could probably step on? (+3)
- 'He shrugs, “It’s a foci, it’s expensive, but it’s worth it, it means we don’t have to share the spell for invisibility and that we can retrieve it should you betray us.”' One, this is going to be sinned for Azran and Sliver waiting this long to say "We don't trust you". (+1) Two, I'm pretty sure the term "foci" was used in the last Chainwarden chapter for the type of dagger that she stole from the asshole who tried to assault her. (+1) Also, why are you giving something expensive to someone you don't trust? (+1)
- 'very realistic and I don’t feel that strange feeling like this is a dream' This is the point of virtual reality! And at no point before this was it ever hinted that VR makes you feel like you're dreaming! (+2)
- 'As the Smeep runs, the gigantic tree fly past and the scene changes from plains and forests to deep myres and mountainous terrain and finally, bubbling mud off to the side of the road, even the odd monster venturing close to the road and fleeing as we run past. Okay, this scene is interesting. One, because a single gigantic tree is flying past. (+1) Two, because the geography makes no sense. (+1) Three, because "even the odd monster" doesn't even try to attack the giant rabbit with people riding it. (+1) And finally because if this is our first indication that, yes, the continents are changing as players venture across the world, why has it taken four chapters to learn this? (+4)
- 'two-face from the comics' DC Comics. (+1)
- 'when we enter we arrive near large stone buildings with thatched roofs. There are signs on some of the buildings designating shops and a few restaurants with people eating at tables. Beyond this section, a large section that goes on for a few miles is the gigantic second half of the city. It’s nothing like this part, it’s gray, towering overhead like a western metropolis made only of prefabricated units placed on top of each other until they touch the clouds. Clean cut curves and glass.' Is this the only city that both Gifted and Colonists live in? And there's a perfect split between Gifted and Colonists? What is this, the American South prior to 1960? (+1)
- 'Silver grabs my arm' Um... Wasn't she Sliver before? (+1)
- '“I mean, it’s really difficult”' Everything is difficult in a video game, don't you know that? (+ 1)
- '“Raiding is what I do in every single other game, I don’t see why this would be different.”' Perhaps because you've been complaining about everything, because you changed gender by playing the game, for other reasons? (+1)
- '“The entire game map is completely bullshit,” He explains, “It keeps changing and we have no clue where the dungeons appear."' No, no, no, no. If the map keeps changing, then a "map" feature, which is available in the menus, would not only be useless, but fucking idiotic to even impliment in the first place! (+3)
- 'I think it’s a mistake with coding or just a silly easter egg.' Why would short sewers be either a coding mistake or an easter egg? These are obviously incomplete. (+1)
- 'The woman named Are' Remember when I sinned Spud for his name? Yeah, this is much worse. I'm just gonna go ahead and fifty sins for this name. Any objections? (+50)
- '“Not really, but I think I understand now, you’re a PVP guild, or more precisely a bounty guild, you like killing players to bring in easy Face.”' In other words, they're the very things those "rules" are supposed to regulate. And once again, those "rules" are ignored! (+2)
- '“I’m Santa Claws”' No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!! Every one of those 'nos' is a sin. (+21)
- '“You can’t just ask people’s races like that Claws.”' But, why? It's an adequate question, and it's not like he's saying "Give me your credit card information", he's asking a question that makes sense within the context of the game. (+1)
- '“Isn’t Void magic incredibly difficult to learn? Why’s a newbie focusing on Void magic? I’d advise switching to something else.”' *sigh* Why is everything a main character does in almost every fantasy story ridiculously dangerous? "That's too dangerous for someone like you" cliche. (+1)
- '“So you want to give her Haste and Bullet time and hope she figures out Teleport. If she does she’ll be one of the better hunters we’ve got. Claws do you have spare parchments?”' Of course she will be, because she's a video game main character! (+1)
- 'I’m not exactly sure what Bullet time does though' Character playing a virtual reality game has never seen The Matrix. (+1)
- 'this means Gifted aren’t completely outclassed against the ranged weapons of a Colonist' Congratulations, you've discovered the rock-paper-scissors-ness of an RPG. You're supposed to be a good player, right? Or has the vile creation of e-sports ripped your brain out because you're too busy getting money? (+1)
- 'Exactly why are you getting the high ground?' Because high ground adds +5 to your agility and five sins to your stupidity. (+5)
- 'The tree shakes and I look over at the shopkeeper' How do you suddenly know he's a shopkeep? He hasn't introduced himself, and clearly there's no HUD. What indication do you have that this man that you just saw for the first time six seconds ago runs a shop? (+1)
- 'The only asshole allowed to do that is me!' That's racist. (+1)
- 'Barney the dinosaur' Barney. (+1)
- 'Barney the dinosaur' Also, you know what Barney the Dinosaur is, but you've never heard of The Matrix? (+1)
- 'Barney the dinosaur' Also, the dinosaur is red, if I remember correctly, and Barney is purple. I'm pretty sure there is a red dinosaur, but it's not Barney. (+1)
- 'Barney the dinosaur' And for a fourth sin, why the hell did you name this dinosaur?! (+1)
- 'Barney roars and slams it’s leg down on the old guy who dies immediately, blood flowing everywhere. I let Bullet time drop and swap it for the hardened skin and watch Barney carefully.' Remember that straight up murder from the last chapter? Here it is again. (+1)
- 'She messes with his body' Playing with a corpse. (+1)
- 'I frown, “Yeah. We’re partying together, and he wanted to tag along for the hunt. That’s not a problem, is it?” I look around, but can’t figure out where the Gifted is. “Can you come out? I’m not trying to backstab you, I just thought you might like the extra help.”' This line looks familiar, you say? I wonder why that is. Hrm... Let's take a look at the last chapter, 'I frown, “Yeah. We’re partying together, and he wanted to tag along for the hunt. That’s not a problem, is it?” I look around, but can’t figure out where the Gifted is. “Can you come out? I’m not trying to backstab you, I just thought you might like the extra help.”' Maybe because it's from the last chapter, you say? Oh. That's why. (+1) (Note: Because I'm in constant communication with the authors of this story, this sin was corrected before I posted this review. I don't care, though, I'm leaving the sin. And I'm adding another sin for their attempts to ruin me) (+1)
- '“Would’ve been nice to know, when I left the starting zone I had someone try to kill me. I don’t quite trust randoms unless I’m in the safety of a city zone anymore.”' I'm pretty sure I sinned this in the last chapter, but, I don't care. I'm sinning it again. (+1)
- 'Spud shakes his head and starts jogging towards it. Crackling electricity starts running up and down the length of the staff, and the air around it seems to waver. He tosses a few sticks from his vest at the Sckops, and when they hit the ground in front of it, they burst into brilliant white flame, crackling and hissing loudly. The ground in front of the Sckops explodes in a shower of earth and mud, and a second later the crack of a rifle shot is heard.' Remember last chapter, when Spud was being awesome and kicking ass? He's doing it again. (-1)
- '“Alright!” Spud yells, and runs to the opposite side, getting right up next to the Sckops’s legs. He drops a white orb on the ground behind him and keeps running. When he’s right under its chained tail, he swings his staff into it. It slams into the armor with a resounding crack, and the Sckops screeches, starting to turn to face him. It’s head ends up right over the white orb, and when the plasma bomb goes off, its head is snapped upwards, only stopping when the armor plates catch.' Why has Spud suddenly become a badass? (-1)
- '“By the way, my name’s Chainwarden, you can call me Chains.”' Remember when I sinned this name earlier? Yeah. I'm gonna do it again. (+1)

Sin Tally: 127
Sentence: Blind Date With Spud

Author's Response: I should just keep creating names until I find a name badass enough for you to take sins away, until then, I obviously need a tentacle fight. Either that or Are needs to be badass enough to counteract her name. Hmm..

Paul was pleased to find a flyer for a free trial at the new local gym. But maybe he should have paid more attention to the description, or even the name, of the aerobics class he tried.
Rated: Kid-Friendly 3 Reviews starstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 27118 Words: 4890 Chapters: 4 Table of Contents
Categories: Sissy Story
Characters: Male to Female, Adult (27-62 yrs)
Turned Into: Adult, Girlfriend, Sissy
Motivation for Change: Accident
Personality: Is Unaware of Changes
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Story Theme: Beauty/Fashion, Everyday Living
Type of Change: Mind Control, Slow/Gradual Change, Stuck
Series: None
Published: 10/27/15
Updated: 10/27/15
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstar
Date: 10/28/15 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This was quite the interesting story. Looking back at the beginning, nobody probably would have noticed if Paul left before the first session started.

Either way, the story didn't progress that way, and the unfortunate thing is that it progressed too quickly. It could have used several more chapters to slowly build Paul's mental transformation to Paulie, but as it stands, we've basically got Paul for one and a half chapters, then Paulie the rest of the way through.

It was nice to see Paulie end up with friends and a lover, but once again, these things move at too quick a pace. The three women show up, suddenly they're Paulie's friends. The guy shows up, suddenly he's Paulie's boyfriend. The story is great, but it reads like things have been ripped out.

This story is worth these four stars. Maybe go back and extend it, and it will be worth that one last star.

A young man wakes up in a hotel on Halloween night, and has changed. Everyone there has. Now he gets to explore a night like no other he experienced before.
Rated: Explicit 11 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 22153 Words: 6248 Chapters: 5 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Young Adult (20-26 yrs)
Turned Into: Fantasy Character
Featured Items: High Heels
Locale: Vacation Destination
Motivation for Change: Willing or Voluntary
Personality: Fights Change
Story Theme: Costume or Halloween
Type of Change: Fast/Instant Change
Series: None
Published: 10/31/15
Updated: 10/31/15
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 11/09/15 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5

This was an interesting story, and a great use of Halloween. There were slight grammatical errors, but nobody gets it right all the time. Big name authors have professional editors and even they don't get it right all the time.

I'll need some slight explanation of the ending, however. Lillian (or whatever the hell her name was) clearly was happier as a woman, but chose to change back into a man once she got home, and then gets this text from her mother that implies that her mother knew what was going to happen. Was her mother there, in some other form? Was her mother presented with this same choice however long ago and chose to stay female? Will her mother's knowledge of what happened influence her decision in some way?

I'm probably asking more questions than I really need to be there, but still. Even if it was temporarily, Lillian seemed to enjoy being female much more than she ever enjoyed being male, and I think she probably deserves that and dammit, I want her to have a happy ending!

(And, for no reason whatsoever, I appear to be going insane.)

Five stars. This story is worth no less. A similar theme could work for future holidays, so you could turn this into a series if you wanted to. Good. Damn good.

Author's Response: Thank you for that. As to the explanation of the end, Lillian was given a choice to walk away then and there as a man, or to leave as a woman. The story didn't say as much, but she did like being a man; she simply doesn't know how much she likes being a woman (yet). Her mom and dad could have had any number of reasons to guess that their oldest son had gone to this party, because, if you recall from a conversation Lillian had with the host, there is a hint about who they might be.

In an alternate world, the members of the Light go through a major reboot that takes place away from the original BNW story line. Unfortunately, the original author of Shining Light isn't around to continue with her story, so me and a friend have decided to take up her mantle in her honour.

The the original author of the first Brave New Story and the other authors of the spin offs: Orange_Laces wanted me to thank you all for giving her the experience of writing with all of you.
Rated: Adult 1 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Story Incomplete Reads: 1631 Words: 2390 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 01/23/16 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I tried to send you a message last night, but I got an email saying it didn't go through. Look, get into contact with me, there's a chatroom in the discussions that you can find or you can email me, just get into contact with me.

Author's Response: I don't know how this site works.. could you send an email to me at rachelgrayson96@gmail.com?

Sharon's a single, recently divorced mom who's raising her young son, Tommy. She's not the greatest mom in the world, but hey, she tries, right? Then, when the Clover Scouts start up a new troop in the area, a lot of very odd things begin to happen to Tommy and all the boys around the neighborhood.
Rated: Adult 1 Reviews starstarstarhalf-star Completed Story Reads: 20834 Words: 19625 Chapters: 3 Table of Contents
Categories: Realistic Gender Change
Characters: Female to Male, Adult (27-62 yrs), Male to Female, Child (0-12 yrs)
Turned Into: Adult, Child, Mother
Locale: Family Household
Motivation for Change: Revenge
Personality: Loses Identity
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Only Attracted to Men
Story Theme: Everyday Living, Horror, Second Childhood
Type of Change: Age Regression, Artificial Age Progression, Drug-Induced, Hormonal, Hypnosis, Identity Theft, Mind Control
Warnings: Incest
Series: None
Published: 04/17/16
Updated: 04/17/16
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstarstarstar
Date: 04/18/16 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Well, now, that was an interesting read. The twist surprised the hell out of me, and I've read (and written) so many twists that I can usually predict them.

Despite the tag, the incest was also a surprising twist. Puts a new spin on the old adage "women go on to marry their fathers".

I'm only a little bit confused at why every mother in that town was a bitch to their sons. They very much deserve what happened to them, though.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I guess I've developed a reputation for twists, but that's the fun part for me. The reason why every mother was a bad one was because I needed justification!

A guy is bad to his family and has a choice that will change his life forever.
Rated: Adult 5 Reviews star Completed Story Reads: 7894 Words: 8369 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Realistic Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Child (0-12 yrs)
Turned Into: Baby, Daughter
Featured Items: Diapers
Locale: Hospital or Clinic
Motivation for Change: Accident
Personality: From Dominant to Submissive
Story Theme: Babyhood, Humiliation
Type of Change: Age Regression
Warnings: Bodily Functions
Series: None
Published: 07/09/16
Updated: 07/10/16
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 07/12/16 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Reading this, and a couple of your other stories, I can tell you have something against the English language.

Also, "75 other stories" is a bit of exaggeration when most of those are chapters that should be placed under the same story, you're just artificially inflating your story count, so you've probably got maybe 12 in total. Makes it seem like you're intentionally trying to get to the top of the Most Prolific Author list because you want a top spot, not because you actually write enough stories to make it there.

I'mma give you some friendly advice: Read the reviews you consider to be hurtful or rude a little more often, figure out what you're doing wrong. That's the point of the "feedback" you claim you want. You don't seem to respond to those reviews that often, and that tells me that you don't simply because you don't want to grow as an author, and that makes you a troll.

We come to this website for quality and you seem like you either hate quality or are afraid of it. Start learning from your mistakes and stop shoving them down people's throats expecting them to like it.

This a fictional Story about a pair of friends, one of whom is beta testing some cutting edge state of the art VR suits. After a night of merriment they decide to return to Derek's flat, to smoke and test out the gaming suits... What follows is Andy's story.
Rated: Explicit 5 Reviews starhalf-star Story Incomplete Reads: 3173 Words: 351 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Adult (27-62 yrs)
Turned Into: Fantasy Character, Sissy
Featured Items: Corsets, Lingerie, Undies
Motivation for Change: Forced, Tricked, Unknown, Willing or Voluntary
Sexual Orientation: Becomes Bisexual, Does Not Change
Type of Change: Body Suit
Series: None
Published: 07/17/16
Updated: 07/18/16
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstar
Date: 07/18/16 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: End of Night: Suiting up.

I'm not a fan of sissy stories, but a friend of mine is vouching for you, so I decided to give this a try. This is your only chapter of your only story so far, and it's new, so I'm going to be a little lenient on it.

It's too short. Unless you're going for about 400 chapters, this is barely a section of a chapter, let alone a chapter itself. As a friendly suggestion, I'd say you should take this down and combine it with your next couple chapters, assuming they'll all be about this length.

Grammar needs a bit of work. I don't know if English is your first language, but it doesn't come across as such. There are a few decent editors on TGS, you should try to get into contact with one of them. Please take this story to an editor because the idea behind this story is excellent, but the execution just needs a little bit of work.

This opening sequence needs a little bit of fleshing out. We're given Andy and we're given Derek, and we know nothing about them, aside from Andy doesn't like being an office worker. I'm not saying we need an info dump at the beginning of the story saying "This mas my life", but just a little more information about them, because otherwise I don't care about these two, and they feel like they can be replaced with anyone.

Again, this is a great concept that needs better execution. You've got a long way to go before you get there, but don't stop trying. I'll give you two stars for now.

Author's Response: Honestly hadn't expected any reviews at this point, this chapter isn't finished yet. In terms of grammar, I'd love it if you could give me an example - as in my own blinkered eye I cannot see the issue. This is my first attempted to go into story writing and allow others to critique it. Very much looking for honest feedback, which is always appreciated so thank you for that. In terms of the tag the sissy bit might get removed, depending how the story develops. Thank you for the feedback.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed
Date: 05/02/17 Title: Chapter 1: Introduction

I tried to read this, I really did. I got maybe a paragraph in. It's difficult to get through the wall of text, like a fourth grader wrote it or something. No, that's insulting to fourth graders.

Please, space out your paragraphs, it helps like nothing else does and it means your story is readable. I can give you no better advice than this. Though I derived no interest in what little I was able to read before my eyes gouged themselves and jumped through a window, I'm certain there are others who would be interested, and they deserve better than a wall of text. In no way is that a "writing style".

Author's Response: I'm sorry that you didn't like my story, but I thank you for putting at least a little meat into your review. I had never heard the term text wall before and I assumed that it was because I used so much conversational quotation. The paragraphs were there, I just hadn't tabbed or doubled spaced them. I have made a quick attempt to fix it, but it was just really fast so I hope I didn't make things worse. Apparently it doesn't matter because nobody likes my story anyway. Thanks for educating me.

There's an App for everything you know. Just read the agreements, oh and check what the free version doesn't have, oh and make sure it's not made my a mad woman with an agenda and a desire to make lots and lots of money.
Rated: Adult 6 Reviews starstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 39308 Words: 5979 Chapters: 7 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Turned Into: Cheerleader, Daughter, Girlfriend, Prostitute, Slave, Stripper, Teenager
Featured Items: Boots, Corsets, High Heels, Lingerie, School Uniform, Undies, Work Uniform
Locale: College, Girl's School, High School
Body Modification: Extreme Breast Enlargement
Motivation for Change: Female Domination, Forced, Tricked
Personality: From Dominant to Submissive
Sexual Orientation: Does Not Change
Type of Change: Age Regression
Series: None
Published: 05/07/17
Updated: 05/08/17
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstar
Date: 05/07/17 Title: Chapter 2: The Agreement

I'm going to give you a 3 right now because while the story seems just fine, I think it needs a better pace. Everything just happens, nothing is thought or felt about anything. More than anything, I feel a sense of detatchment while reading. Fix this and I think you've got a winner.

Author's Response: The next few chapters hopefully fix that (I've been writing as I go, sometimes this works well and sometimes so badly that the story vanishes lol). Thank's for the feedback though. Hopefully you'll enjoy it.

Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstar
Date: 05/09/17 Title: Chapter 7: The Choice

I'm going to keep you at three stars. For a short while, it seemed the pacing issues were resolved, but you dipped back into them, and the story suffers for that, which is a shame because it seems like such an interesting story.

I liked that the ending didn't seem to be concrete, it leaves room for more to explore, and I hope you do (so long as you ease up a little on the pacing). If you work at it, you could build up a pretty solid universe starting with this story, like perhaps Debbie isn't the first or last person that's been changed by this app.

Aside from the pacing, there were tiny mistakes. Places where words were missing or letters were left out. These aren't uncommon to any of us, I'm probably one of the worst at it, but I'm just letting you know about them. These weren't hurtful mistakes, but they were there.

I'm not like an Amazon reviewer, three stars is average to me, and overall that's what this story was, average. If the pacing had been just a tiny bit better, I could have bumped it to four stars, and if the universe a tiny bit more fleshed out, I would have bumped it to five. I hope to see you work on your pacing in future stories, please keep going.

Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback. I'm still getting used to the latest version of word and it's little blue lines instead of green and red squiggles, they were so much easier to see. I'll take the packing on the chin, if I redid this then chapters one and two. Would be together and I'd add bits to the cheerleader bit (maybe hint at Sarah) The app shall certainly return, once I've got around to finishing the photographer that' I haven't added chapters to in ages, despite writing two stories in the meantime. Boy am I a great procrastinator. Again thanks for the feedback xx

Someone is always watching you. Someone, somewhere. If you commit a crime and it goes unnoticed by the general populous, you can count that something will seek to right your wrong. The moral of the story though, you may not like who catches you.
Rated: Adult 4 Reviews starstarstarstar Completed Story Reads: 4439 Words: 2683 Chapters: 1 Table of Contents
Categories: Magical Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Child (0-12 yrs)
Turned Into: Daughter
Locale: Family Household
Motivation for Change: Revenge, Willing or Voluntary
Personality: Good to Bad
Story Theme: Horror, Mind/Body Posession
Warnings: Intense Violence
Series: None
Published: 06/08/17
Updated: 06/08/17
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstar
Date: 06/10/17 Title: Chapter 1: Sammie

My friend, the plot is good, the story is excellent, but the story isn't shown. I felt no sense of righteous justice in Sammie killing Tyler/Leah's parents, because they weren't really characters at all, they were barely even there. I felt not attachment to Tyler or Leah because knowing they were happy kids and their parents were dicks was not enough.

The story is great, as I said, but it needs more. It needs to be fleshed out, we need to see those years of these parents seeing Tyler's accomplishments but resenting him for his physical appearance. We need emotional attachment to Tyler, and we need real hate for his parents, more so than just "They didn't like him".

We know only the bad about these parents and only the good about their children, and nothing about any of them personally. What drove Margaret and Nick to where they are? Were their own parents critical of them in their lives? Who did Tyler befriend? How were those friends devastated when he died? Did those friends even really care? We're told he was this shining beacon of joy and hope, but we know nothing other than that.

Overall, this story reads more like something told 'round the campfire, like a synopsis for a longer story than a story itself. It needs more, it needs fleshed out, it needs real characters, ones that you understand their motivations even if you don't agree with them personally. All in all, this is the starting point for the story instead of actually being the story.

There were also some minor editorial mistakes. Missing words, incorrect words, very few misspelled words. I'm not going to be picky about those because everybody here deals with those, I'm guilty of that myself. Shit, this review is probably guilty of that.

Don't remove this. Leave it here and view it as the starting point for something greater. The story, as I said, is excellent, but everything about it needs more. You can do that, and you can do that well. Don't simply tell the story, show the story.

A girl wakes up and discovers she remembers nothing of her past life, not even her name. All she can figure is she came from a place where evil knows no bounds.
Rated: Adult 87 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Story Incomplete Reads: 34528 Words: 93735 Chapters: 17 Table of Contents
Categories: Sci-Fi Gender Change
Characters: Male to Female, Teen (13-19 yrs)
Turned Into: Daughter, Girlfriend, Teenager
Locale: College, Family Household, High School, Hospital or Clinic, Labratory
Motivation for Change: Unknown
Personality: Loses Identity
Sexual Orientation: Does Not Change
Story Theme: Horror, Medical Experiment
Type of Change: Mechanical Device
Series: Forgotten
Published: 06/26/17
Updated: 08/17/19
Reviewer: Hikaro Signed starstarstar
Date: 07/15/17 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Alright, as-I-read commentary of chapter 1.

Bug's dull surprise is annoying. "Oh, I woke up. Oh, I don't remember anything. Oh, there are dead cows. Oh, people will find me because of dead cows." Assuming this is handwaved as her being in shock, it still feels absurdly stupid.

These farmers are mostly stereotypical. Also, "An old man, with a gun, a middle aged man, with a gun, and a younger man, with a gun. They all had guns." This last line makes half of the statement prior absurdly redundant, and that's not even getting at the amount of unnecessary commas. "An old man, a middle aged man, and a younger man, all carrying guns." or "Three men with guns appeared, an old man, a middle aged man and a young man."

What is the old man's justification for "I believe she is far from harmless"? He doesn't seem to have one, despite all the evidence pointing to her not being harmless.

(Also, as a side note, there are places where contractions should be and aren't. Or are not, as the case seems to be.)

The paragraph starting with "The sudden turn..." has a few moments where Bug and the old man speak. These should be in separate paragraphs, splitting best when Bug says, "Ouch,". (Rather dully, I might add.) Happens again with the old man and his son in the next paragraph.

So somehow, after running through woods she doesn't know, falling into a creek she has no experience with, following a path that clearly wasn't there before, Bug has somehow ended up right the fuck where she started. This is, in every possible way, unfathomably stupid, unless the forest is fucking alive like the Amazon River is in the show The River.

'"Police car?" Then it dawned on me. "Police car!"' Comedy? Yes. Is Bug objectively an idiot despite the memory loss? Also yes.

I'd just like to point out that every time the old man says "twerp", I'd like to ask why in the hell he's chasing Ash Ketchum and trying to capture Pikachu.

Also, I'd like to point out that the cops arrived to catch Bug quite quickly. This is cop ex machina of the highest degree, even if the cops lived next door to the farming family. This is cop ex machina of the highest degree even if the cops lived with the farming family.

I can't exactly understand how running into the home of the man who wants to murder you for no reason is a good idea, but what the hell, why not?

Alright, legit review moment here now that the chapter is over. It's rough around the edges, but nothing on this site isn't (especially my stuff). Bug is currently less a character in her own story and more a device for telling the story, and the old man is a charicature that I hope never, ever returns. I'm not one to shy away from swearing (except when approrpiate), but every other word out of his mouth is "fuck" and "twerp", which is annoying to a large degree.

Back to Bug being a device instead of a character, I have to say that for this reason, I don't really feel like following her story for her. And since no other interesting characters have appeared, following the story seems less like a thing that could happen. I don't know when I'll get to chapter 2, but I'll give it a try, hopefully there are characters there that make me want to press on. Hopefully Bug has grown at least somewhat from plot device to character. I'm not gonna lie, the dull surprise is the biggest problem.

Not a whole lot happens in this chapter, which can be a good thing and can be a bad thing. It's a good thing when the "not a lot" happens to progress something, but Bug starts at a farmhouse and ends at this farmhouse, a merry chase that does overall nothing. This is when "not a lot" is a bad thing, because the plot of this chapter was "Girl wakes up, gets chased away from farmhouse, returns to farmhouse". If you ever feel like going back and beefing this chapter up, I would suggest a little more in the woods, like maybe some sort of hint that Bug is going round in circles, but I think you could strive toward making the future story more interesting rather than stalling yourself on the opening.

Overall, I'm giving this a 3. It's not bad by any means, but it could be significantly better. Work toward making the future better and then go back to this if necessary.

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