Date: 08/31/18 01:48 am Title: Chapter 1: The Transformation
Suggest adding blank lines.
This sets off paragraphs, and makes the text easier read, It'sNotJustOneBigBlobOfText, and helps transition from one idea or story element to the next.
First place for a blank liine: "... upside down. It all began..." is better as:
It all began..."
The blank line (paragraph indicator) is where the story-teller, or the listener/reader pauses for a sip of tea or whatever.
Interesting idea. Now Bailee has to figure out what are the kinds of things that she does, that will change her age - too young, and that driver's licence won't "work", too old, and that's bad too...
Hope this helps, good luck.
Date: 06/20/13 06:19 am Title: Chapter 1: The Transformation
Nice try for a start, 6 out of ten. Perhaps try to add more speech at the beginning. Maybe some sensory. Short, but writing on a mobile, that's exceptional. Get more of the main character's background, where are they from? what time of year? Siblings? Crush? That kind of stuff. A small stem, but this plant can flourish if treated properly. (Forgive me for any spelling mistakes, but I'm typing on mobile too, and I can't spell for my life) I hope to see a beautiful flower blossom from this shriviling sprout.
Date: 06/18/13 12:46 am Title: Chapter 1: The Transformation
Let me begin this review by introducing a concept. Actually read a book, something with a plot preferably, then read another. You're writing a story which contains an adult theme (transgenderism). This 2 minute effort reads along the lines of "Dick and Jane" meets "The Daily Gazette". There are the very beginnings of a clever plot device, but absolutely no implementation of it. When the old lady throws the 'stone' you should say if it hit you (and where), if it hurt, if you caught it, put it in your pocket, shoved it up your nose or elsewhere... *sigh*
The heart tattoos denoting 'age' of our hero could be clever, or you could miss the mark and they fall flat. Just remember; the story is in the details, the emotions, how the characters interact, and why.
"You made me drop my groceries so now you're a girl" is not a story. If writing on an I-pod means your work is less than you want it to be? STOP WRITING ON AN I-POD. And now my review is longer than your story.
Author's Response: Thank you for Constructive Criticism. I will be sure to try and implement these ideas into the next few chapters