Date: 10/18/20 11:27 pm Title: The Storm
I'd like to suggest renaming your presidential figure. Bear with me on this, I'm not sure how to accurately express my thoughts here; Trump is, putting it politely, a polarizing figure, and as such he's in the spotlight a lot. The problem with that is that there's a lot of bias in people's opinions of him, something very much not helped by the media's portrayal of him, and certainly not helped by his arrogance. Despite everything reported on him, I can't see the actual guy acting the way you've written him, and it's honestly jarring. I get that a lot of people see him as racist, but I've honestly never seen any actual evidence of that, his policies seem to support all American communities, including black communities, and legal immigration. Now, I'm not saying this to start an argument, try to annoy anyone, or even try to convince anyone of anything beyond pointing out how writing real life public figures is difficult, simply because everyone's opinion of them will be different. So, write your Trump figure, who acts according to how you see Trump, but give him a different name. People who agree with you will still draw parallels, people who disagree with your opinion will just see a random asshole. Maybe it's not so important so long as you're posting exclusively on this site, but if you post a story on a more popular website, you'll alienate a fair few potential readers if they think you're misrepresenting a public figure. Imagine if someone in the US wrote a story at the height of the cold war involving Stalin- one of the biggest mass murderers in history- being a saint? An extreme example, but hopefully gets the idea I'm going for across. Anyway, that's just an excessively lengthy piece of advice based on my opinions. Feel free to ignore it.
Date: 10/18/20 11:02 pm Title: Hero's in Training
OK you snagged me, I'm following you and this story to Scribblehub. :-)
Not a big deal, but having a little trouble (given the chapter update format, interspersed with many other ongoing tales) keeping track of who's-who. Perhaps flash back or otherwise remind us readers from time to time? But again, not a serious problem, it's still a good read.
Date: 10/04/20 02:27 am Title: Going Home
Oh boy, another story from the kammiverse, where nearly anything goes! Thanks for the writing.
Author's Response: Thank you, I loved the stories and after talking with the author, I was given perm to write it. I hope you continue to follow angel on her journey!!
Date: 10/04/20 12:31 am Title: The Storm
Angel is a very beautiful creation and to team a canine with a feline is very bold
and really has a lot of potential.
You are very creative and ambitious with the medium that you have chosen-
to connect her with the statue on the floating islands is a wonderful concept with a lot of potential.
You have a lot of great ideas and are visualizing unique realities-
I only wanted to encourage you to continue to exercise your talents fearlessly and don’t give up-
You’re doing fine.
Date: 10/03/20 01:03 am Title: The Storm
I like it-
you are progressing well with your characters,
showing their personas&feelings.
Sometimes your grammar/sentence structure could be a little better because it could be misunderstood.
I’m not nitpicking or anything-
I just noticed that you asked.
One thing you may try is to find someone that you like and trust to read each page out loud and see how it sounds and how easy it is to read for someone that’s never seen it before.
Sometimes when we read our own works,
our minds can falsely correct for
poorly worded concepts and even missing words.
If you don’t have anyone to read it that you feel comfortable with,
try reading it out loud yourself as if you were reading it to a child as a story.
since some parts may not be suitable for children you might want to pretend that you are producing an audiobook...
your spelling is good but I did also seem to remember seeing some word errors,
The details that I am pointing out were very slight,though.
your eponymous character is rather original and the story could stand alone without any TG elements.
I do believe that you might consider having some solitary scenes,perhaps after rejection/ridicule where Angel is weary and is suddenly made deeply aware at what she’s really looking at now-
the daunting prospers of just how lonely and misunderstood her life may turn out to be.
Of course,this could also be offset by an expression of deeper friendship and family bonds with those around her that affirm how important it is for us all to go beyond outer appearances...
you probably already have some plans and ideas like that.
There could also be followed by incidents where small children tell her how amazing she is and others remind her that they wish that they could be more like her-
those that are NOT happy with their change or perhaps even their mundane form since they didn’t get to change.
I have no idea where you will take this but it would seem good to me to consider the ramifications of what would happen if people could take a chance and volunteer to change-
if people had the chance to give up their change and be returned to their prior state-
Why or why not?
It’s all your call.
they all seem rather nonplussed by all this-
do you just want your core group to appear to be incredibly quick adjusters who have flawlessly effortless transitions?
You’ve shown the extremes of acceptance and rejection-
how about some reactions along the middlegrounds?
No awe or bewilderment?
Whatever you decide is fine,though-
since it is your story,
It just seemed a little implausible to me that something like this would happen and everybody would just appear generally indifferent and move right on to the next step in planning dinner...
Here’s the thing-
do what is comfortable for you right now because you can always add,edit or move on to more complex structuring as you grow in your confidence and ability.
J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a little book called “Roverandom”.
You’d probably never even believe that he wrote it,if you tried to read it.
His publisher basically told him,
”What is this?Your fans want more hobbits,Man!”
He was somewhat embarrassed by all of the hobbit enthusiasm at first but it quickly grew into an entire world that remains at the very top of the Fantasy genre.
Think about it-
All the Ring originally did was “only” make one invisible...
All of the complexities came later.
The point is,
everything and everybody has to start somewhere.
If you don’t get the comments or feedback you want,
try to be an honest supportive fan of the STORY.
Try to get outside being the creator and just enjoy imagining that you are simply a spectator.
Don’t bear unbearable burdens-
Enjoy expressing yourself!
Be a friendly critic and advisor to the world being built-
Don’t let loneliness or what seems like disinterest from others end up dragging you down.
There is ALWAYS room for improvement.
You should just remember to keep making the next chapter and the next story even better.
You’re doing fine-
Keep up the good work!
I reworded and reposted this several times as you probably saw
because I don’t want you to know that I try to practice what I preach and not be a hypocrite!
Author's Response: Thank you for your candor. i spent the better part of the day editing the chapters and I will be sitting back and looking at how to introduce some of the elements that i have been hoping to incorperate into the story, but some times my brain only has one rail.