Date: 05/21/20 11:17 pm Title: Chapter 1 The Plan
I like the premise of the story and this is a nice beginning, but I do have a couple of suggestions. First, it is difficult to read because of lack of white space, you need to separate out the paragraphs with double spacing between them. You can even split some of those paragraphs, you should have only one basic thought within each paragraph. Second, dialogue needs to be separated out with each person's dialogue having its own paragraph. This will improve readability tremendously and give you a much higher chance of having this read, I honestly would not have even tried to read this if you hadn't included your story note. Third, I would strongly recommend that you have someone edit this, I already edit for several people on fictionmania but I would be willing to help you with this first effort. I can't promise that I could help with any further chapters as they keep my busy, but I could try. Keep at it though, you do have a nice touch with the story concept. If you wish my help, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Author's Response: Yea I did space it out in my word document, but somehow It did not translate over through the posting of the story.
Date: 05/21/20 08:17 am Title: Chapter 1 The Plan
Just a heads up. Your story will be much more readable if you put a space between each paragraph.
Author's Response: Yea I did that in my word document, but somehow It did not translate over through the posting of the story.