Date: 03/29/20 01:29 am Title: Chapter 3
"Oh wait. I know why you want to know” I smirked, ”you want to know if you can suck it” 10/10
I'm curious what sort of superpowers are heroine is going to possess, going off of the title and the mirror related transformation i'm going to guess they would involve either glass that she can like manipulate and stuff to do all kinds of shenanigans with. Or given the weird pocket-dimension-y void place the mirror land maybe they would be based around dimensional manipulation like creating hammerspace and teleporting and stuff. Or perhaps some combination of the two?
Inb4 some unexpected curve ball is the result and her powers aren't related to any of those options.
Oh, and uh....do please tell me this isn't going to be one of those 'MC gets turned into a chick, who becomes instantly attracted to the Childhood Friend Character' type stories.
Author's Response: yep, it's definitely glass and mirror related powers and stuff and no, nothing romantic happens between Will and Emily
Date: 03/27/20 07:45 am Title: Chapter 3
I got a bad feeling about her classmates but I LOVE that transgender is referenced. Again punctuation, periods, and commas. I don't think this is terrible, I think you could easily expand upon it and give us a bit more. Tell us how things look, how things smell, maybe even sound? What does the school look like? What does the mall look like? What does her mother look like, what does her friend look like? It's first person, I get that, but we need a bit more IMO. Let us FEEL everything Emily is going through, even if she's fully accepting it, there has to be SOMETHING different about what she's going through. How does she feel about the gossip, I barely got a taste of what she was feeling. I think you should take a step back and try to really explain to us what it's like to be Emily, what makes up her. What makes her happy, sad, joyful, depressed. Show us, make us look at the world through Emily's eyes.
Anyway that's just my two cents. It's very hard to do that I know, but I have confidence in you and believe this story can go places. Have a five star and best of luck in your writing!
Author's Response: Thanks for your suggestions! I'll definitely be thinking about them when while I write the next few chapters and I'll go back through the ones I've already written and try to edit them and make them as good as I can.
Date: 03/27/20 07:29 am Title: Chapter 2
This part feels off
“Wait!” I blurted, ”When I was seven you and dad were planning on having another baby, but halfway into the pregnancy we found out that she had Down Syndrome and that she probably wouldn’t even live through the pregnancy, the doctors were right and you had a miscarriage”
“Oh wow, way to kick me where it hurts, Cameron” she half-joked.
“Sorry! You’re the one who barely gave me any time to prove who I was!”
“I guess that’s true but it is still a bit painful.” she said, “but right now I want to know what happened to you”
If it's painful why would she joke about it? Is she the kind of mom that makes jokes to heal pain? Maybe establish that a bit more in a future chapter. Also Emily seems a BIT too keen to change her name and gender so easily. My guess is she was an egg since she chose the girl mirror. One thing I noticed is you have a bit of a problem with punctuation. You have lots of sentences with no period or needed comma and I think you could do wonders with some tender love and care for your story.
Date: 03/27/20 07:20 am Title: Chapter 1
Everyone starts somewhere, only problems I really noticed that were jarring to me was that section where you didn't separate the paragraphs. A editor could easily help you clean up any little errors, or you could try yourself
The place in question. There is no space between this:
I put my phone away and looked back at the van, what made it swerve off the road like that? I let my curiosity get the better of me and decided to approach the wrecked car. I looked into the driver’s seat, Empty. I guess Chronon took anyone in the van out before it crashed, It wouldn’t have been hard for him with his time manipulation he could have just opened the door and pulled anyone inside of it out. But if he did pull anyone out, where were they? Wouldn’t he have just put them down on the side of the road like he had done with me? Maybe there had been an accident and the driver was injured before the Van crashed and had to be taken to the hospital.
I kept looking at the van, It was painted all black and had black tinted windows that were now almost all shattered. I felt my curiosity peak once again, why the black tinted windows, was this some government or criminal vehicle, and more importantly, what was inside? I moved to the other side of the van to the sliding passenger door and pulled on the handle. The door popped open. Sliding the door shut behind me, I entered the van, there were only two rows of seats, the front two, the back half of the van was mostly empty except for some shelves on either wall and a tall cardboard box leaning against the side back door of the van, I slowly approached the box in the back, I glanced over at the shelves as I was passing them, and noticed they were filled with guns and ammo, ranging from small handguns to large rifles there were also a few grenades spread out along the shelves. What in this box was so important that it was this heavily guarded? I don’t know when it started but I could now tell that I was trembling, my legs felt wobbly and barely held my weight, my hands shook and I could barely make a fist. But I wasn’t scared, I was excited, something drew me towards the box, I could feel it. Someone wanted whatever was in this box so badly they had this van heavily armed and here I was, along with it. I stood in front of the box, and I could feel something about it, whatever was inside was calling to me, begging for me, and I couldn’t resist, I didn’t want to resist, I ripped the cardboard away from the front of the box, packing foam spilled from the hole I had made. I kept tearing the cardboard, releasing more and more pieces of foam into the van.
It's okay to write it with only one space in between but try to keep the whole story that way so you don't jar the reader.
Date: 03/27/20 03:00 am Title: Chapter 3
Nice so far. I'm enjoying it - but it is a bit jarring to see her having so much support - when IRL so many of us get no support, or active hostility. Still, nice story so far.
Author's Response: Don't worry, it gets worse :D
Date: 03/26/20 05:49 pm Title: Chapter 3
"I had always been a little bit feminine but that was just confidence in my masculinity, not some hidden femininity. And besides, I wasn’t like trans people, If I was trans I would have known when I was really young."
I have had both of these thoughts before my eggshell cracked, you captured the thoughts of an egg really well. I'm excited to read more of this!
Author's Response: Yeah, I tried really hard to capture that trademark Egg energy, glad it isn't going unnoticed.