Date: 03/13/20 01:49 pm Title: Chapter 1
Fantastic fantastic story. Very imaginative and top quality writing. Easiest 5 stars ever.
Just two pieces of constructive criticism though (warning for story spoilers through chapter 25-ish):
* The Frozen joke really broke the immersion of the story. Any mild chuckle you might induce in some of your readers isn't worth hurting the storytelling. As they say, kill your darlings.
* Some of the story premise is a bit too unbelievable. I don't mean the magical world and the TF, but the logic of the main plot. It's hard to swallow that Will was selected to be a familiar and completely coincidentally also happens to be a descendant of mages himself. It would make more sense if these events were directly connected (other than indirectly through Lady Milderd's hate). For example, Anna could have selected Will herself out of a lineup (maybe she had some magical intuition about him), or Will could have surprised himself and volunteered to team up with a mage (maybe he felt a "calling").
Someone (a Monty Python writer I believe) once spoke of the need for internal logic in a comedy sketch. I don't recall the example he gave, but I'll make one up: you could have a surreal setup where everyone in a business meeting is in a chicken costume, but if someone else is not a chicken then you need to explain why. Internal logic is arguably even more important in fantasy stories.
But still one of the very best stories I've ever read online.
Author's Response: Thank you
Date: 03/10/20 01:32 am Title: Chapter 31
Great work as usual! I just wish the chapters were longer, especially now that you are not publishing multiple chapters a day. Blessed be.
Author's Response: Something's come up at work. So I'm not able to write as much as I'd like.I'll try to keep up the pace.
Date: 03/06/20 07:55 pm Title: Chapter 29
Something tells me Geoffrey isn't about to be so forgiving... I actually feel badly for messania - her mom raised her to be cruel - and now that she's learning her lesson, far too many people believe she will stay cruel. I honestly hope things work out for her in the end - maybe she will get to marry that prince after all? I hope Geoffrey doesn't go too far - he must be hurting, but some things can never be unsaid. Some wounds linger forever.
Date: 02/29/20 03:01 am Title: Chapter 1
I hope that if and when piggy recovers, the knowledge that Will sacrificed himself for her might spur her to become a better human being and redeem herself, but I’m not holding my breath. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: Thank you Alexa :)
Date: 02/27/20 02:35 pm Title: Chapter 6
Hey, Lone Elephant - This story ROCKS! It's really good, and I'd love to see more! I'm not sure I wish ms. Piggy any ill, like some of the other reviewers - although she is vile. Maybe whatever happens will teach her to be a better person - and if not, she reaps what she sowed.
Author's Response: Thank you Kathryn, as for piggy, we'll see how it goes..:)
Date: 02/26/20 05:45 am Title: Chapter 3
Wow, great backstory on all of the main characters. Very creative, and your writing is rock-solid. I also love Will's sense of humor, especially when it comes to Lady Piggy.
I see a magic deer turning Will into a beautiful girl to marry the Prince, and Lady Piggy into Miss Piggy so she can marry a boar - or a frog.
Author's Response: Thank you for you support..:)
Date: 02/26/20 04:04 am Title: Chapter 3
Love the story so far! Please, do more when you're able. I can't wait to see how this goes!
Author's Response: Thank you for your support. I'll upload new chapters as soon as I'm able. I have to confess that I got caught up reading your story Birthrights and lost a little time :). Love the level of detail in your work.
Date: 02/25/20 04:40 am Title: Chapter 1
Found it difficult though not impossible to read with all the â€™ inserted throughout. Was this because of translation? In either case the writing was good beyond that and look forward to more.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I've managed to fix the errors in the story. I'm apologize for the initial errors. It was my first upload to this site ever. Still getting the hang of this.:)
Date: 02/25/20 04:24 am Title: Chapter 1
So far the story looks like it might be a fun read - but its difficult to read with the formatting errors. All the " and ' have been replaced with garbled letters. This usually happens cause of a formatting error or a font being misinterpreted by the computer. If you fix that mess up the story will be a lot easier to read. (I had the same thing happen with my first e-novel and it sucked then too).
Author's Response: I've managed to fix the errors in the first upload. Hope you enjoy the story.:)