Date: 05/17/20 06:27 pm Title: & son
I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I could tell, this chapter is nowhere near your normal quality. Instead of worrying out us, you should get some rest. You made a lot of spelling and grammatical errors here, I'm genuinely worried about your health. I enjoy your story but YOU always come first
Thank you for your writing, but still please... get some rest, take care. Worry about this later. And don't worry, you can always fix your story any time you want. I fix my own stories errors all the time, and it is super easy, trust me.
Now about the story:
Jared you are literal scum, and I hope you and Jenna die as horribly as you deserve. Also Emily found Eli, but what about Arine? I guess she really is the child of tragedy... memory erasure... I hope they get massive amounts of gruesome death for these people
Date: 05/10/20 09:25 am Title: Father
Well that's all kinds of no good. So Ari was kidnapped, now Elinora is kidnapped, I'm pretty afraid for these kids. None of these adults that have taken them have anything good in store for them. A goddess of darkness residing in the child of tragedy and Jenna and them think this is a good idea? I hope she kills every last one of them, brutally, slow and painfully.
Then for Elinora's 'dad', I hope Jared is force fed his own legs, while sawed in half with a rusty blade
Date: 04/29/20 11:00 pm Title: Horror Trip
Yikes... so she wasn't safe. God dang it, I knew they were idiots. Didn't even think to put protection spells on her or something. Ugh Eli's mother is literally useless. So is the rest of them.
And wow that couple, all three merged, Jenna is pretty dang evil. I wonder why she's so messed up? Is it simply a lust for power? Or is it a trauma that turned her to the cruel side? I wonder
Please more hugs for Arine, I feel like she's never going to escape this nightmare, this poor girl... I hope she rends Jenna apart, ,and spills her entrails on the floor while she watches
Date: 04/26/20 04:27 am Title: Gone
Yeah that first few paragraphs were rough. And omg?! Where is Arine, oh no... baby please don't. This is horrible, it's just constantly hurting Arine over and over again. That poor baby... I suppose that's a good way to create a super villain. If that's her destiny I hope she destroys this entire Sorcerer organization. They have WELL overstepped their bounds
Date: 04/23/20 06:32 pm Title: Valvesalla
Okay so... if this is going to have sexual assault hte next chapter. Please let me know, I know you don't want to have spoilers but if I'm going to deal with sexual assault I NEED to know about it beforehand so I can brace myself. If it pops out of nowhere I won't be able to. Now back to story.
Okay that makes sense, she could go out of control. However, I was under the impressions, despite her words of 'arranging a safer one' that she wasn't going to give Arine any vacations or fun like that period. Also if she's so volatile, why would she tell her to go off alone? Knowing Jenna or worse is out there, that seems like a TERRIBLE idea. I don't get Eli's mother, she keeps doing things that make no sense.
Also who the fudge is this boy? I kinda hope since he just asked her to take her clothes off, that he becomes a smear on the wall. Rapists get no mercy from me
Author's Response: You might want to skip the first few paragraphs of the next chapter, I hope this is enough information for you. On the topic of Eli's mom, Jenna can't enter Alos and the city, especially the campus is supposed to be safe.
Date: 04/17/20 08:33 pm Title: Transmutation magic
Okay, this better explains their motives, however they still don't make sense in that they don't want Arine to be happy. How would being happy be a bad thing? Isn't that what they want? Arine's walls to stay strong, making her upset is what will cause them to fall, so why would being happy be bad?
I maintain they are still idiots
I applaud Eli for trying though. Given this chapter though feels like heavy foreshadowing... sometimes there is no cure and there is no happy ending... and you just got to take what you can and make the best of a horrific situation...
Date: 04/15/20 02:22 am Title: Millennial Tree
I saw your earlier comment, I just want to say I'm okay with that. It's a bit hard to read something like that, but i'm still so angry at Elinora doing this. They are literally the dumbest people on the planet, she has an evil elder god inside of her, and you want to piss her off? Are you sure you lot are experienced mages? You seem like utter morons. At least she tried to help her some, but of course her mother doesn't approve. Why would that evil wench approve of anything after all. Arine is never allowed to be happy because that's TOTALLY going to work out in everyone's favor. God dang do I hate that woman and the rest of those idiots
Note: Again, this is NOT me criticizing your story, I love your story. I also love you made it clear what a mind bender was. Eli is showing signs of PTSD so because of htat I CAN forgive her, but her mother has NO excuse to torture that poor Arine. Please give Arine a hug for me, even if she eventually becomes a supervillain, she needs hugs. And... give Eli one too. I'm mad at her but she's having to fight authority as a child and I'm not being fair to her. Her mother is the manipulative monster, not her
Date: 04/07/20 02:02 am Title: Private lessons
I am enjoying this tale and hope it goes on to a successful completion.
That being said, It is hard to follow a story that fades out frequently. I look for updates after 3 days and am lucky if I find them within a week. To my mind, that is an excellent way to lose readers. Please have your chapters outlined and ready to fill in so the waiting time is less.
this is not meant to flame you but encourage you to be ready to write.
Date: 04/04/20 08:30 am Title: A wish granted
I just want to say, despite my dislike of certain character's reactions. I really do eagerly await each installment of your story. I may hate your characters actions but I don't hate you. I feel you've made a fun twisted story and I'm enjoying the ride. Sorry if I didn't make that clearer, thank you for this story
Author's Response: Don't worry, I never thought you hated me. But your comments do show me that I get the desired reaction, so there is something I have to be doing right, right? On another note, the story is only about 1/4 done, so there's still plenty of time for the story to evolve. While I'm at it I just wanted to quickly add that I never intended for this to be a feel-good story. Regardless, I'm happy you liked it so far and hope you will continue enjoying it.
Date: 04/04/20 03:30 am Title: Private lessons
Yeeeeeeeep, even more messed up ness. I was beginning to like Elinora and the other characters, but what they are doing to Arine, is literally beyond cruel. And now ignoring the fact Arine literally looks like the evil Goddess, AND that Arine admitted that not only that but she's having trouble associating with her old self. It's just so tragic, I feel so bad for Arine and I want to just wrap her up in a blanket burrito and give her hot chocolate with marshmallows and ice cream and cookies. Please give her a hug for me, poor baby needs it...
Author's Response: I will and am sure Arine will appreciate that there are others, who feel her struggle :)
Date: 03/21/20 05:51 am Title: Zeres Grimoire
Lovely, everything was a lie, knew it for sure. And Arine is stuck? That's just awful. And not being able to do anything but just dangling false hope in front of the kid? That's considered okay? These adults need to lear that the MOMENT Arine knows that they knew all about this, and that Eli knew about this. They will lose her forever. They are doing the absolute worst thing you could do in this situation. How well did keeping this all a secret work in the first place? One young man's life is ruined, and a young girl was almost killed? How much more must die for their pitiful secrets?
edit: They couldn't AT LEAST tell her that she's stuck? Maybe not the huge goddess thing,b ut that there is no cure? Yes Arine will be DEVASTATED. But at least she'll know they're willing to not give her false hope. That is a HUGE mistake IMO even if this secret really is that big and they are caught between a rock and a hard place. Not telling Arine it's unable to be fixed is their greatest sin
Author's Response: Yeah, you're right. Not telling Arine is a grave mistake. I really do hope Arine can get the happy end she deserves, but it doesn't look good for her.
Date: 03/16/20 09:11 am Title: Vessel
Oh great, Ari is being forced to do evil things, just wonderful. You do a great job of torturing your characters (this is a complement, I am not mocking you or being mean at all, I am impressed and wondering if I can learn from you) Ari that poor baby...
Author's Response: I'm really glad you liked the story so far :)
Date: 03/16/20 09:03 am Title: A trip to Town
This is cute but I still feel bad for Ari... Ari's situation is apparently NOTHING like Elis. And for the love of God how comee Eli's mother cant tell? Isn't she supposed to be an amazing sorceress or something? Ugh .. something is off
Date: 03/01/20 03:36 pm Title: Together
I think it's great that Eli and Ari are friends, but I can't ignore the foreboding feeling of repulsion that Eli feels. Is this a premonition that Ari is there to harm Eli? The evil witch can't do it herself, so she turns Adrian into a girl and sends her to do it?
Great writing and suspense. Can't wait for more.
Also can't download this story. I could download when it was only a couple of chapters long, but not since more chapters were added.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked to story so far. Chapter 9 will answer a lot of questions regarding Arine and Elli. Also, I don't know why you can't download the story anymore. I didn't change anything about the formatting since the first chapter, however, if you have an idea where the issue may lie, I'll gladly look into it.
Date: 02/21/20 06:46 am Title: Another new girl
Another excellent chapter. I felt like I was right there in the school. I don't understand, though, why Eli didn't wear the right clothing. It's not like anyone is going to mistake her for a boy. Just some kind of mild panic attack?
Can't wait to find out what the connection is between Eli and Arine. Sounds evil. I hope Eli can handle it.
Lexyna, I don't usually comment on spelling or grammar. I figure if you're taking the time to create a story I'm just going to be grateful and read it. But there were a lot of mistakes in this chapter that made it hard to read. Maybe go a little slower or have someone else look over your writing before you post it. And I mean that in the most polite and positive way. Thank you for writing. I love your style and your creativity.
Author's Response: I'm sorry this chapter was full of errors, I've reworked it and hopefully fixed them all. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone who could look over the story so I'm dependent on spell-checking programs to help me. Regardless, I'll try to pay more attention in the future.
Date: 02/21/20 03:36 am Title: Another new girl
Chapter 5 - "Whatever was insider (sic) her meant trouble, something was very wrong and I had to find out what."
Fascinating. Some sort of fated-lovers dynamic playing out?
Looking forward to next installments.
Also, minor editing issues in abundance, but please don't let that stop you! The story is worth it!
Author's Response: I've fixed a lot of mistakes. I don't know if I got them all but it should be much more readable now.
Date: 02/17/20 07:26 pm Title: Arine
I agree with Elron, Chapter 4 confused me tremendously until about 80% of the way through I figured out that a new viewpoint character was being introduced.
Author's Response: I have edited the beginning of Chapter 4 a bit, I hope it will be easier to tell what's going on now.
Date: 02/17/20 06:26 pm Title: Arine
Ok, I re-read this chapter with the understanding it was about a different boy being turned into a girl and then kidnapped. Made much more sense thanks to your explanation.
I don't know if it was just me or if the story wasn't clear. I guess I just wasn't expecting a second transformation, so I made the story fit my own mental model. For example, when I had thought before that it was Eli, I assumed that he had given the evil woman a fake name, Arine, since he was doomed if he gave her his (her) real name. Perhaps one of the other characters calling him out by his name at the start of the chapter would help? Even in one of the text messages. (Mom: Arine, when will you be home......)
So at any rate we now have a second transformed boy, Arine. A green-haired girl who is important but not clear how or why. Eli's mom and Aunt. And an evil being that can do powerful magic on earth, where others cannot. I feel much more clearly immersed in the story now. Thank you.
Author's Response: I redid the beginning of Chapter 4 a bit, it should hopefully be easier to follow now.
Date: 02/17/20 02:57 pm Title: Arine
I thought Eli had already turned into a girl at the hand of her mother and aunt. I'll have to go back and re-read from the beginning.
So, Eli has been kidnapped and returned to the Magic city by an evil and unknown demoness. What was the point of reaching inside her - pain, or to take/leave something?
Great cliffhanger. Very suspenseful. Thank you.
Author's Response: Yes, your right. Eli already turned into a girl, the fourth chapter was meant to introduce our second protagonist, Arine. Maybe I should make it more obvious?
Date: 02/15/20 03:13 am Title: A wish granted
I like the story and I like the concept. But here is some constructive criticism.
How does Eli feel? One day she is a guy in the normal world, the next day she is a girl going to magic school. There is nothing on her feelings about her gender change. She just accepted it and moved on. Does she want to go back to being a boy? She doe want to go to magic school, or go back to the real world? She is now expected to be a sorceress, what about the future plans she had before she got changed? She really needs to force her mom to talk to her as well.
Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback. I will try to explore Elis feelings more in the next couple chapters.
Date: 02/13/20 06:25 pm Title: A wish granted
Story shows a lot of promise, but it’s somewhat of a mess at the moment. I’m not a goddess at grammar but some grammatical errors passed the editing board. There’s a lot of stuff I can help you out with as right now your story is at a bumpy road. For example, never make two characters talk in the same paragraph, perhaps you did by accident but it happened somewhat consistently to be noticeable. If you have a discord account sent a friend invite to Susy#0927 so we can talk about your story.
Regardless, you’re doing a good job and I hope you continue.
Author's Response: Thanks for the info, I'll try to pay more attention to it. Also send you a friend request.
Date: 02/12/20 04:35 am Title: A wish granted
Great start. I always like it when the main character tries to say their old name but can only say their new name. Then, "But I'm not a girl, I'm a girl. What?" Something about not being in control makes it better for me. Thank you.