Date: 02/21/20 06:46 am Title: Another new girl
Another excellent chapter. I felt like I was right there in the school. I don't understand, though, why Eli didn't wear the right clothing. It's not like anyone is going to mistake her for a boy. Just some kind of mild panic attack?
Can't wait to find out what the connection is between Eli and Arine. Sounds evil. I hope Eli can handle it.
Lexyna, I don't usually comment on spelling or grammar. I figure if you're taking the time to create a story I'm just going to be grateful and read it. But there were a lot of mistakes in this chapter that made it hard to read. Maybe go a little slower or have someone else look over your writing before you post it. And I mean that in the most polite and positive way. Thank you for writing. I love your style and your creativity.
Author's Response: I'm sorry this chapter was full of errors, I've reworked it and hopefully fixed them all. Unfortunately, I don't know anyone who could look over the story so I'm dependent on spell-checking programs to help me. Regardless, I'll try to pay more attention in the future.
Date: 02/21/20 03:36 am Title: Another new girl
Chapter 5 - "Whatever was insider (sic) her meant trouble, something was very wrong and I had to find out what."
Fascinating. Some sort of fated-lovers dynamic playing out?
Looking forward to next installments.
Also, minor editing issues in abundance, but please don't let that stop you! The story is worth it!
Author's Response: I've fixed a lot of mistakes. I don't know if I got them all but it should be much more readable now.
Date: 02/17/20 07:26 pm Title: Arine
I agree with Elron, Chapter 4 confused me tremendously until about 80% of the way through I figured out that a new viewpoint character was being introduced.
Author's Response: I have edited the beginning of Chapter 4 a bit, I hope it will be easier to tell what's going on now.
Date: 02/17/20 06:26 pm Title: Arine
Ok, I re-read this chapter with the understanding it was about a different boy being turned into a girl and then kidnapped. Made much more sense thanks to your explanation.
I don't know if it was just me or if the story wasn't clear. I guess I just wasn't expecting a second transformation, so I made the story fit my own mental model. For example, when I had thought before that it was Eli, I assumed that he had given the evil woman a fake name, Arine, since he was doomed if he gave her his (her) real name. Perhaps one of the other characters calling him out by his name at the start of the chapter would help? Even in one of the text messages. (Mom: Arine, when will you be home......)
So at any rate we now have a second transformed boy, Arine. A green-haired girl who is important but not clear how or why. Eli's mom and Aunt. And an evil being that can do powerful magic on earth, where others cannot. I feel much more clearly immersed in the story now. Thank you.
Author's Response: I redid the beginning of Chapter 4 a bit, it should hopefully be easier to follow now.
Date: 02/17/20 02:57 pm Title: Arine
I thought Eli had already turned into a girl at the hand of her mother and aunt. I'll have to go back and re-read from the beginning.
So, Eli has been kidnapped and returned to the Magic city by an evil and unknown demoness. What was the point of reaching inside her - pain, or to take/leave something?
Great cliffhanger. Very suspenseful. Thank you.
Author's Response: Yes, your right. Eli already turned into a girl, the fourth chapter was meant to introduce our second protagonist, Arine. Maybe I should make it more obvious?
Date: 02/15/20 03:13 am Title: I am what?!
I like the story and I like the concept. But here is some constructive criticism.
How does Eli feel? One day she is a guy in the normal world, the next day she is a girl going to magic school. There is nothing on her feelings about her gender change. She just accepted it and moved on. Does she want to go back to being a boy? She doe want to go to magic school, or go back to the real world? She is now expected to be a sorceress, what about the future plans she had before she got changed? She really needs to force her mom to talk to her as well.
Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback. I will try to explore Elis feelings more in the next couple chapters.
Date: 02/13/20 06:25 pm Title: I am what?!
Story shows a lot of promise, but it’s somewhat of a mess at the moment. I’m not a goddess at grammar but some grammatical errors passed the editing board. There’s a lot of stuff I can help you out with as right now your story is at a bumpy road. For example, never make two characters talk in the same paragraph, perhaps you did by accident but it happened somewhat consistently to be noticeable. If you have a discord account sent a friend invite to Susy#0927 so we can talk about your story.
Regardless, you’re doing a good job and I hope you continue.
Author's Response: Thanks for the info, I'll try to pay more attention to it. Also send you a friend request.
Date: 02/12/20 04:35 am Title: I am what?!
Great start. I always like it when the main character tries to say their old name but can only say their new name. Then, "But I'm not a girl, I'm a girl. What?" Something about not being in control makes it better for me. Thank you.