Date: 01/25/20 01:49 am Title: Chapter 1
I like that the punishment is over the top. It gives the story a great edge. It’s the tale of ‘sometimes you meet someone in life you just shouldn’t have fucked with.’ Life isn’t always fair and you bring that out. Emmi had an audience to please and these two gave her an excuse to use them for the show. I like it. And they have a life with new memories that fit their state. That takes the edge off a bit as well. You know you’ve been punished for a while but then there is a certain mercy in the new memories and the new life. A different life, but still a life. Not my usual preferred scenario per se, but I really enjoyed this story.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really happy to hear that you enjoyed the story.
Date: 01/24/20 12:35 pm Title: Chapter 1
First, I want to commend you on the descriptions and pacing of the transformations. You painted a perfect picture of what was taking place.
And the way I read the story, the character's old memories were pushed to the back of their minds, like they happened a lifetime ago; not that they were totally replaced with new ones.
Even if that is true, however, I have to question the severity of the punishment - it just doesn't fit the crime. Insulting someone, even callously, doesn't warrant those permanent changes and certainly not what happened to mom.
It also seems like Kane got off much easier than Zoey. Maybe she hurled more insults?
The way I see it, identity death is a big no-no. People can't learn from their mistakes if they no longer exist.
The punishment you describe is better levied on a much more serious crime; such as rape, assault of a pregnant woman causing loss of child, kidnapping, etc. And leave mom out of it. She was an innocent bystander.
To me, the appropriate punishment would be to turn both boys into exactly what they made Emmi out to be. Let them live like incompetent female sluts until they learn their lesson. Give them a chance to understand the hurt they have caused and an opportunity to redeem themselves. Maybe the girls volunteer for a year at a battered women's shelter?
Overall you are a great storyteller, but in the end this seemed like two halves of different stories that don't quite fit together.
Author's Response: First, let me give a huge thanks to you. I appreciate the compliments they truly do mean a lot. Secondly, I didn't want to do a straight mind wipe because I knew folks would be a little miffed since there's "no lesson learned". Yet at the same time, I wanted to end it on a much happier note than how it began. When I started writing this piece, I wanted to write an "age progression" story and while writing I got inspiration from another writer's most recent work and then I wanted to incorporate an ending from an older piece of my own. So I can kind of see what you mean about two different stories not fitting quite together in that sense. Lastly, I'll admit I do like the idea for a potential future story that incorporates your idea of "turning both boys into what they made Emmi out to be". I feel like that'd make for an interesting tale and definitely would hit the boxes for a "true" revenge tale vs what this piece ended up being.
Date: 01/24/20 03:21 am Title: Chapter 1
I must totally disagree with Overgirl. So the witch turned the two into husband and wife with a child on the way. Their past lives are gone. They are in love and faithful. The two adolescents have learned nothing. That was the whole point. They were chauvinist pigs, but with the transformations their minds were wiped clean. They remembered nothing about their previous bad behavior. They just became better people. That's nice; however, the lesson is totally wasted. This story is just personality murder with no purpose.
Author's Response: As pointed out by someone else, their minds were not completely wiped clean. To quote a line from the story "These new memories pushed their old ones into the background so both Zoey and Kane would remember their past lives but it would also feel like a lifetime ago." I can totally understand you wanting a "super revenge" story where the sexist pigs get divine punishment and remember every single detail but that's just not my style. I much prefer a semi-sweet ending even if it's not necessarily deserved. While you may feel the story doesn't have a purpose: I had set out to write an age progression story and I think I did that pretty well all things considered.
Date: 01/23/20 10:24 am Title: Chapter 1
I completely disagree with the other reviewer, this was perfect and would only be made better if their was a little more conflict with their old selves vs new selves. I dont see them as missing anything cause they got a whole new set of memories . The mom got even a better deal with being able to start life over again. She basically gets a free 40 years and I'd take that deal, since she'll probably be raised in a loving home. Great story overall and look forward to seeing more.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll admit I did want to portray more conflict between their old selves vs new selves but the story ended up taking itself in a slightly different direction but I'm happy with the result.
Date: 01/22/20 03:55 pm Title: Chapter 1
The only way I can be satisfied with this is if there is a continuation. There is no lesson learned here. They must be returned to their previous lives after the birth of their daughter, and having gone through early parenthood. The mother doesn't deserve this either. Maybe it's just a very vivid dream shared by the two of them.
Author's Response: I regret to inform you that this is just a one-shot and there won't be a continuation of it. My intention was to write an "age progression" story in the same-ish style as one of my personal idols and I feel like I had achieved that.