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Reviewer: Trismegistus Shandy Signed Report
Date: 01/07/20 10:25 pm Title: Chapter 1

This is a promising opening, with an interesting situation and charming characters, but it has a couple of serious issues that really hinder readability.

1. You keep switching back and forth, in the early paragraphs, between second person (addressing the reader/main character as "you") and third person (talking about the main character as "Shawn" and "he").

2. You cram entire conversations into a single paragraph. You should generally start a new paragraph whenever a different character starts speaking; if Erin talks, then Shawn replies, and Erin replies to that, it should be three different paragraphs. (There are rare exceptions, but you really need to know what you're doing to use them.)

There are other minor things that could be improved, but fixing those two things would make this 200% more readable.

Reviewer: whitehawk_omega Signed Report
Date: 01/07/20 07:07 am Title: Chapter 1

Not a bad start, to a story, but the switch between 2nd and third person was really jarring, also confusing, I thought there was two people at first.

Reviewer: Lordship Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/06/20 11:46 am Title: Chapter 1

This is a good story and I look forward to reading more of it. The one note I have is that it has quite a few typos and/or misspellings. If the author would like, I would happily give some copyediting notes.

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