Date: 11/11/19 11:54 am Title: Chapter 1 - All Hallows' Eve
Honestly this was quite a lovely start! I’m a huge fan of the ‘World of Darkness’ setting, and I love the groundwork that you’ve set up. Even though it’s just the first chapter, I can already relate to Josh to an extent, mostly through his own social anxiety.
I’m looking forward to seeing where your story goes!
Author's Response: Aww thank you! I'm glad you're excited for more!
Date: 11/10/19 12:43 am Title: Chapter 1 - All Hallows' Eve
Glad to see another person familiar with Vampire. I always preferred Werewolf to Vampire in terms of lore, and I prefer Vampire 20th anniversary edition to 5th edition for a variety of reasons. Your depiction of the Fiends is pretty good, although i hope the main character does not get embraced by them, because there are no antitribu Tzimisce, and the Sabbat are murderous serial rapists/murderers who regularly engage in all manner of sick, twisted behavior. That, combined with the vaulderie makes me hope she gets rescued by someone else.
Author's Response: Yeah, I'm going to try and word around the antitribu problem, it might not be totally in line with the established lore but oh well. Hopefully you won't be disappointed by how that plays out. I haven't looked into 20th Anniversary Edition, maybe I will to help out.
Date: 11/09/19 06:18 pm Title: Chapter 1 - All Hallows' Eve
Not usually a fan of vampire stories, but you've made this pretty interesting so far. I like that your vampires are evil and scary, though. Pretty vampires are just plain annoying.
Author's Response: Glad you're interested! Yeah, these vampires are going to do some scary stuff.
Date: 11/09/19 03:55 pm Title: Chapter 1 - All Hallows' Eve
Okay! Interesting start! Certainly odd in a few ways, very alien.
Something to consider though, is I have no idea how to even pronounce your title - that means it's not going to stick in my head at all. I'm sure you have your reasons for picking it, but it's just foreign and confusing to me.
Secondly, it seems like you probably did do a re-read for editing sake, but there a few spots where I was tripped up on some errors. Up to you if you wanna spend the time to fix them or not.
There was a spot where you kind of slipped into purple prose when describing the woman and I got distracted and had to re-read the section to work out what was going on. (It was the hair/Stars/space but, or whatever it was)
Also, from the prologue, I thought this was set in medieval times or something until you mentioned the police officer having a phone. Not to mention, you called him the vanguard/scout, which implies that there'd be people right behind him, basically.
It's sounding like you're going for vampires (a bit overdone imo, but each to their own) yet these vampires were unrecognisably unfamiliar until the blood orgy thing - I'm not sure if that's your intention, or not.
I have to assume that the events of the prologue will somehow become important, other than simply introducing your monster vampire.
I'm curious which direction this story will grow in. Will your character be exploring the world or themselves? Your prologue indicates they'll explore the world, but the rest for the first chapter makes it feel like they'll be exploring themselves (their identity, feelings, etc.). If the answer is the world, maybe some more foreshadowing would be good? The way the character says 'been putting in less and less effort lately can easily turn into, 'this stuff isn't real and I don't have time for anything imaginary' - which kind of sets up who your character is, the standards they live by - it all depends on who your character is really.
Anyway, that should give you some things to think about. I'm interested to read more. Good job and good luck.
Author's Response: Yeah, the word “Tzimisce” is kind of like “Cthulhu” in that it’s purposefully hard to pronounce. The word is pronounced “zim-ee-she.” I did do a quick edit, but I did it at like 2 A.M., so I’ll go through again to try and weed out the errors. The events of the prologue will start to be addressed in the next chapter. I’m aiming to have my characters explore both the world and themselves, hopefully I’ll be able to pull that off well. I’m glad you’re interested in the story, thanks for leaving a review!