You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: Wisehoof Signed starstar Report
Date: 09/28/19 09:03 pm Title: Chapter 1

The premise is fine, but the bad grammar makes the story really hard to read.

Reviewer: Trismegistus Shandy Signed Report
Date: 09/07/19 08:47 pm Title: Chapter 1

The premise is good; I don't think I've every read a story like this before. And the setting, characterization and storytelling seem pretty solid, too. But the punctuation and orthography are bad enough that it makes it hard to read, and there are a few minor grammar mistakes, too. It could be an excellent story if those were fixed. If you would like proofreading help, let me know (use the "Contact" button on my author page).

Reviewer: WishfulThinking Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/02/19 02:07 pm Title: Chapter 1

Okay, this is an interesting start. Some feedback though - first, please re-read and edit, I found myself getting caught up and confused because there were some incorrect words and such, also commas. You need lots more commas, everywhere that's a natural pause/breath/cadence there should be a comma. Second, you have a very interesting world here, which you did a good job of not just info dumping in one paragraph, but there are some spots where the exposition feels a little forced. I find exposition goes over more smoothly if you talk about it in the context of how the characters think and feel about the thing. You did a good job with the angel encounter, try to mimic that a little elsewhere.
This is a good start, I encourage you, keep writing. It seems like you have some very intreiging things to share with us.

You must login (register) to review.
TG Storytime uses the eFiction engine and Vanilla discussions. Design by J6P.