Date: 05/16/19 02:08 am Title: Chapter 1
I liked it! I never read the first uploaded draft, but I saw that the characterization was in this one. The characters definitely seemed fleshed out. The only critique I can think of is to maybe show more and tell less. A lot of the beginning felt like “he is.....” “she has....”. It’s not too bad for visual descriptors, but for personality traits it could be shown. Please write more!! I have to see where this goes, you left it on such a cliff hanger.
Date: 05/12/19 03:03 pm Title: Chapter 1
The premise interesting but you spend the whole beginning just dumping information on the reader and it's just not grabbing my attention. You describe the characters based on their appearance and interests but nothing on who they are..... Also, I doubt any girl would like to be described like that by her best friend...
Author's Response: I edited the first chapter to improve the characterization. This is my first time using this site's tools so it logged me out and lost quite a bit of the original stuff I put in. I switched to Word, so that shouldn't happen again. Check it out and let me know if it looks better.