Date: 05/27/19 01:47 pm Title: Epilogue: Two Years Later
For a fun smexy romp this was a good ride. I will say that I feel a little let down by the ending being so abrupt. I don't mind that Naomi ended up in porn and am rather happy that she found a comfortable direction for her life where the effects of the game do not harm, but rather enhance the quality of her life.
I think my complaints come in the fact that it feels very much like we just skipped straight to the end with the epilogue. The drama between Liam and Michael would have been interesting, Naomi's attempts to keep a job, the scene you described that eventually led her to the life she ended up in could have been heart breaking, and in the end I would have liked to dive into those bits more. Sex and sexuality are great and shouldn't be overlooked or shunned, but the paydirt of writing is in the human struggle.
I was wondering if you could consider allowing an alternate version of this story to be written and posted?
Date: 05/27/19 12:03 am Title: The Rules of the Magical Game of Desires
The only problem I found in the story is just a bit of a technical flaw, I would say. At the beginning of the story you mentioned that the rules of the game included having both the winner and the loser(the person the winner chooses) keeping their changes. So, I was a bit surprised to find that only the MC kept their changes. It would have been interesting as well to have Jenna not change back, and then develop something between Jenna and the MC.
Overall, however, I was satisfied with the results. There were many possibilities throughout the story of what would happen next, although after the game ended it really seemed to me that the only way the story could end was with the MC suiciding. I think you did a good job of showing the MC’s depression, although it did get pretty dark, but you did go back after a few scenes. It was nice to shift to a happier tone and I’m kinda glad you found a happier ending. I really liked the scenes during the game and the open endedness to the story was nice.
Date: 05/19/19 10:26 pm Title: Epilogue: Two Years Later
This was neat. I'm surprised that I haven't seen premises like this more often. Or perhaps I've just never looked. Anyways, it was quite remarkable (and realistic, to me) just how quickly the game revealed how deep these friendships really were. It was also interesting to see, after realizing that the game really is magical, Liam immediately make the factually correct observation that he and Alma would be the best choices for keeping the changes. How might things have changed if everyone stopped for a moment to plan a strategy to give those two as few changes as possible?
As for the ending, it really did seem like the only possible outcome. I'm only a bit bummed that Jenna didn't get any form of significant comeuppance. Then again, perhaps the fact that none of the original five friends are really friends anymore is comeuppance enough. They failed the test the game presented to their bonds.
Date: 05/18/19 02:13 pm Title: Epilogue: Two Years Later
I thought this was an appropriate ending. Although I generally prefer stories in which the protagonist manages to make a comeback, I'm satisfied with this ending because she retains her mental faculties and her independence. It appears that some reviewers are displeased that she isn't able to gain control over her urges, but I disagree and think you found a reasonable middle ground.
And the game is still out there... which means sequels with new players/victims. Next time I expect furries, though.
Date: 05/18/19 02:13 pm Title: The Rules of the Magical Game of Desires
Congratulations of finishing the story. I was hooked early in the narrative as this story has a lot of things that I consider "Hot", and I wanted to let you know I enjoyed it very much. For stories that have darker undertones and themes that might make people uncomfortable it's important for people who actually enjoy unpleasant stories to make their voices known when they see things they enjoy, so that's what this is. While this story, it's ending, will make some people uncomfortable, some of us absolutely loved it.
The first chapters are full of explicit, detailed transformations, but also good character development and relationships. I enjoyed how Naomi's relationship with her friends shifted as the game was played, the way his girlfriend rejected him, the shameful way they lashed out at Naomi after the change was made permanent. For myself, It seemed like they were projecting their shame and disgust at what they had done to Naomi back onto Naomi herself. Not pleasant, but sexy AF.
I imagine the ending was difficult to find. It's tough, because the previous chapter basically sets you up to write another 10 parts of the story detailing the group finding the game, discovering a way to change Naomi back, changing others along the way, discovering an ancient coven of witches who need to recruit Naomi to save the world (please don't do this) ect. But I got a sense that you are perhaps finished with Naomi's story, that while you could have written a redemption arc taking another few weeks you didn't actually want to, and instead gave us a final chapter that I think does a good job tying up most of the loose ends that would arise if you were magically transformed into a hyper-sexual woman with uncontrollable explosive orgasms. You'd go into porn, obviously. Who wouldn't? And the execution at least makes it clear that Naomi is happy in her life, that she is doing what she was put on earth to do and no longer wants to kill herself, which would have been too dark for me.
Is it a perfect ending? No. But it left me satisfied, and more importantly it actually exists. There a hundreds of half finished stories on this site, ones that have taken years to write. You could have walked away from this, but you didn't. You did this whole story in the space of a few months, and that should be applauded as well.
One personal note: Extreme body proportions and functions are fun, but after a certain point it can feel a bit ridiculous and not sexy. Don't lose these elements please, but perhaps a bit more subtle in future stories. Also, accents are fun!
Again Congrats and thanks. I will be watching and reading whatever you put out going forward.
Date: 05/18/19 12:25 pm Title: The Rules of the Magical Game of Desires
You had me hooked really early on with this story, but I have to say I'm really disappointed by this ending. You had such a cool premise with what was essentially "Sexy TF Jumanji" and you basically just threw all of it away in the end with what ultimately amounted to "She's a pornstar and doesn't care anymore". You had the perfect set up for a second narrative arc where now the focus becomes Naomi's struggle to change back to something close to her former self, and I'm just left feeling a bit let down that you decided to wrap it up with an ending that in my opinion was boring, unsatisfying, and sadly predictable.
Ultimately I thought it was a good story throughout but this was a terrible way to end it.
Date: 05/17/19 12:40 am Title: Aftermath
Well, I hope things get better for her. It was fun when the game was going, but now its just straight depressing.
Also maybe this ship has sailed, but I hope there may be more transformations in the story. Dunno, maybe an unexpected surprise or something.
Date: 05/16/19 04:39 am Title: Aftermath
I'm guessing there will be an epilogue since this is still marked as incomplete. Hope to see Jenna get what's coming to her. It's largely her fault Naomi is like that as most of the give cards she gave to Naomi. Alma isn't handling things to well, but you can't really blame her. She just lost her boyfriend while watching him be forced to act like a slut. You can see she's trying to be supportive, but it's a struggle for her. If I were to choose the loser though I'd have gone with Liam. Aside from the lowered intelligence he and Jenna had the least harmful changes. Seems to me Jenna had something against Naomi from the start.
Date: 05/15/19 11:18 pm Title: Aftermath
This is just awful... Naomi wont be able to live like this. She wont be able to have a job, this is literally impossible to live with... how can a human body orgasm this much? Is she even drinking enough fluids for this to be possible? I get it's all magick but... dear God...
And Jenna and Alma, utter Bitches. It's Jenna's fault and she whines about it. I hope she gets slapped like she deserves. And Alma... what a heartless bitch, everyone is whining about her "ruining things" when it's not her fault. She literally cant help it, and they just refuse to understand that she cant and get into trouble.
It should have been alma that'd chaanged, or Jenna, both of them have been absolute bitches to Naomi when she cant control what she's been left with. And Alma is the worst as she's supposed to be the loving girlfriend but she CONSTANTLY reminds her of what she lost.
I hope both of them get a kick to the teeth.
Date: 05/12/19 10:08 am Title: The Game Ends
I hate to say that I agree with Jamie, but I kinda do. He did win so he shouldn't have to keep the changes and Naomi is the only other one who didn't suffer any dumbing down. So long as she can sate her libido she could still live a relatively normal life. The other three are almost dangerously dumb.
Date: 05/10/19 12:30 am Title: Decisions
I am constantly in awe of the quality and detail of the story. Naomi sure has been getting too many hits, maybe there can be something special, like an extra card/bonus/draw for her? Perhaps something magical that benefits her in the long term, but that she hates at the beginning...
Date: 04/25/19 02:08 am Title: The Rules of the Magical Game of Desires
Holy smokes it's been a long time since I found a story on here that I was excited about! The grammar is nothing that really disrupts the story, so fine by me.
i'm really hoping you don't rush the game, I think you've got a great base for a story here.
Looking forward to reading it all!
Date: 04/24/19 03:52 pm Title: The Abandoned House
Ha ha,you realize that you basically started with "It was a dark and stormy night."
But the storytelling and imagination are great so far. My suggestion would be to try to use fewer pronouns, particularly "it" when referring to something complex or vague. And look up your popular sayings to make sure you got them right.
But know that I am onboard for the whole game! Thanks!