Date: 06/16/19 09:55 am Title: Letting Go
Didn't expect ROT13 here.
Author's Response: I needed an easy way to make the text look garbled :p. Unfortunately it reveals no special message, it's just an aesthetic manner to show that what the parents said was utterly void of value.
Date: 02/28/19 01:01 pm Title: Split Seconds
I can't give this five stars because of the grammar and orthography issues, but I really liked the character arcs and for the most part the plot. I liked the flashbacks to the various characters' backstories as much or more than the present-day plot. The worldbuilding could use some work, as it seems to lean a little too heavily on D&D for its magic system and some other things, but I can forgive that when the character arcs are so good.
If you would like help editing your work, contact me via this site. I've done proofing and editing for Rellawing, MrSimple, Tessarion, Shadow Dragon and some others.
Author's Response: I'm genuinely very surprised orthography issues still managed to slip through! Could you point me towards a few...?
Date: 02/20/19 05:45 pm Title: Split Seconds
I dont hate it... But i dont like it either...
My first hangup is over some of the word choices.
A few things derailed my reading. The first:
"decorated with bands of reflective fabric, given this property by the gold that was weaved in."
I get that its gold, shimmering fabric. I had to read this twice to understand that though and it strikes me as an awkward way to explain the appearance of the fabric. As a spectator i want to see what it looks like rather than know how it was made. Its a nitpick.
"I'm properly equipped, don't worry." Doan replied, taking out enchanted lenses he'd obtained in one of their precedent quests"
I dont know why you said precedent instead of previous or prior ... I dont know that this grammatically makes sense and if it does i think it stretches the meaning of "precedent" un-neccisarily. The fact is, regardless of whether its correct, i had to stop and read it again to understand what you meant.
Beyond that, this is an ambitious way to depict someone with multiple personalities? And i dont know that that's a good thing... i really dont understand if that's something personal to you that you projected onto the character or just a premise you thought would be fun to implement but im personally unsettled by how the "three modes" are discussed in the flashback.
I just... Don't enjoy reading this. Its work to understand some of the sentence structure and meaning, the pace isnt bad but the story seems to flow more like a narrated tabletop game than something that could conceivably occur in a high fantasy universe. (They talk about checking for traps and preparing equipment/spells like its a DnD session. The fact that the trap resets itself and is deactivated by an easily spotted lever is just... Weird...) There isnt anything for me to personally latch onto here. Lowell is loud and obnoxious, Roland is... A person. The mage doesnt have a name? And Doan is three slime girls in a trenchcoat.
The biggest put off for me is having a main character with multiple personalities. Maybe its good representation, maybe its harmful representation, maybe its neither. Whatever it is, it doesnt connect with me. Doan doesnt feel like a person who would conceivably exist. I cant beleive them as a person or persons and that makes the story as a whole hard to feel much at all about.
Author's Response: Yeah for the word choices I'll 100% blame english not being my mother tongue. I very often stumble like that. And, yes, this is definitely more of a tabletop story than a high fantasy one, I will completely admit it. I was more interested in writing the characters than the world around them and just took the love I have of tabletop to fill in the latter. Doan is a plural system. Plural folks exist in real life, and I'm median myself. I want them represented in my stories, I want people like me in my stories. I'm sorry that it was off putting for you.
Date: 02/18/19 06:01 pm Title: Crown for a New Age
So I'd been waiting a few chapters to put in a review but gosh this is so extremely cute. Just extreme warm and fuzzy feels. And the idea of a bunch of eggs just adventuring together and coming to terms with it with a little magical nudge is so we'll put together in this.
Author's Response: Thank you for the kind words <3 I plan on continuing to write magically wonderful little stories~
Date: 02/17/19 07:29 pm Title: Epilogue
This was an absolutely beautiful story, completely unlike many others I've read. Thank you for it. Also a Mad king God of Chaos? Oh please write more of this world, I would love to see a new set of characters or even the old ones meeting up. IT's okay if this is truly the end but I admit I wish there was more. IT's so good and I love it.
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for your kind words, I'd be lying if I said your reviews hadn't helped with motivation along the way. I don't really have any plan to jump back into this world for the moment, but I won't close the door, cuz I never know how next inspiration will strike. Hopefully you also enjoy my other stories, at least my future ones!
Date: 02/13/19 06:03 pm Title: Letting Go
Oooh a mermaid! But... wont she die on land? Can she breathe on land? I'm scared for her. Also yikes... that was really abusive, and... unfortunately what a lot of us go through. That poor girl... I had to let go of my own bigotry that was shoved into me since I was a baby. So I understand... I hope she'll be okay.
Author's Response: This is the kind type of mermaid that doesnít dry out on land, because Iím not a mean writer. Iíll keep in mind to address this in the epilogue though. As for the other half of the worries, well, she appears to be in good hands to me~
Date: 02/12/19 02:47 am Title: Crown for a New Age
OMG KITTY PRINCESS YES!!! Wait then who is the queen? I'm curious. Also curiouser and curiouser the mad king was Trans also. This is awesome. I cant wait to see what becomes of our "favorite" bard. Hopefully he becomes less of an ass.
Author's Response: There's no queen, Leolia is the only one of her species. The title is more for show than anything, hehe. And, well, I think I've made the Mad King's situation as clear as I could. Lowell will definitely live... An adventure soon.
Date: 02/10/19 08:08 pm Title: Motherly Roar
I love that she's a dragon now, but how will she get through the door. Also so many of them have so many secrets that the mad king seems to be HELPING them. I mean the way slime girl can scout is awesome and super helpful for adventurers. Being a scary dragon can protect your friends too. I hope she's not tooo big because again she'd never be able to leave and that'd be sad.
Author's Response: If it helps quell your worries, Boy hasn't become a full on dragon, but a dragonborn (the DND one, not the shouty dude from Skyrim). Those do still fit in doors! :P
Date: 02/09/19 09:59 am Title: Split Seconds
I absolutely adore the Doans already, and Roland is a very good friend. A very good team mom one might say (:3c I have insider knowledge as I'm dating the author and in an authors server with her for feedback)