Date: 02/04/19 05:27 pm Title: Part 6
Its... Fun i guess. The pulls from egyptian mythology are fun and i lm always a fan of that. I failed to really get invested in it though and because of that i found myself wondering about details and getting wrapped up in mechanics of how this would go down. The cat appearance sounds like it would be very prominent so the first worry is why the glamour spell doesnt work on people. Especially since your character would probably be expected to travel to egypt at some point.
After that i found myself kinda put off by the listing of spells the main character learned like sharpening her claws and making her paw sticky. it stuck out to me as being out of place in the narrative, especially for an epilogue-like scene where we are saying goodbye to the characters rather than starting to get to know them .
I think it would have been more interesting to develop the world a bit more and perhaps flip the glamour so it worked exclusively on people by adjusting their perceptions while not working on cameras. Then the challenge could be avoiding electronic systems through skill and her true appearance being a sort of disguise for when her theft is detected (or perhaps have the cat aspects be a non-permanent persona like the whole shazam transformation from comics). Better that the guards remember a normal girl and the cameras find a human-cat hybrid than for a guard to catch sight of a very conspicuous catgirl and the cameras record nothing.
Just an opinion though.
Being a preistess of Bast is a really fun and attractive concept, however i feel personally that it could have used some tweaking to have a more believeable way forward after the story. I just dont have any faith that your cute little cat girl will make it to egypt when she is going to be so conspicuous in public now.
Its not a bad story, it didnt lose me like some others have and i dont want to put you down. You did good. I dont want my criticism to seem malicious or hateful. I like the concept of an old god reaching out in a nurturing way to form a symbiotic mutually beneficial pact. Its nice to see that connection. I just feel sad that the mechanics of this change rip her out of her miserable life into a cult like seccluded life instead of freeing her from a miserable life with room to grow socially and have meaning outside her obligations to a goddess
Author's Response: No, feedback is great! This was a story short in a much larger narrative universe all my stories are set in, which is almost our world but magic and being we used to call gods, demons monsters (but aren't really just extradimensional beings with different lifespans and sometimes magic) etc are returning as well as powered individuals and tech. She is a bit less inconspicuous given the increasing number of non-standard humans etc
Date: 01/23/19 10:26 pm Title: Prologue
Follow-up: Finally able to read this, and delivering an actual review as promised. You have an excellent writing style and it keeps the reader engaged. Although I admittedly lean toward stories that are somewhat more erotic than this, I can appreciate the skill of the craft. I appreciate that you took my advice on the shorter titles and I hope that was not a stinging criticism. When you have the ability to write well, I feel you are best served by letting the unfolding story seduce the reader rather than giving away too much up front. I hope you continue to contribute to the site!
Date: 01/22/19 02:30 am Title: Prologue
I spent 5 minutes reading this before I realized I was still on the title. :D Seriously though, a pithy name for your tale may entice more readers to peruse your work. Think more of what you'd see on the front cover of a novel than the back. Also, the title was all I could read...I received an error every time I tried to access this. Will update if that changes. I haven't encountered this with any other offerings on this site yet...
Author's Response: Sorry about the errors, it seems to be working for some people but not other not sure what is going on but can't seem to reproduce it so might be on the website's server side. On the topic of the title, most of my stories are short form light novels and corny synopsis style titles are part in parcel with the style and part of the fun.