Date: 02/06/19 03:35 am Title: Chapter 1
I wanted to like this more than I did. The story is sweet and wholesome, and it touches on a lot of fantasies I've had. Like, I used to fantasize about having angel wings for years and years, seeing Anna find a strong girlfriend who makes her feel smol gives me the warm fuzzies, and of course those wonderfully accepting parents.
The story has a number of technical problems that keep me from giving it 5 stars.
One, people's reactions just aren't realistic. Yeah, sure, from a comedic perspective I'm on board with the idea that Anna's parents didn't notice at first, but it falls apart with how they react when they finally _do_ notice. Like, sure, it's wonderful that they're accepting, but a) they don't even bat an eye at her being suddenly transformed, b) nor do they bat an eye at the fact she's now a mythological creature, and c) how did they know that she welcomed the change? For all her parents knew, their child being put in that body could have effectively created a trans guy. They couldn't have known that she was a trans girl and actually wanted the change.
Second, the dialogue is also just unrealistic in a few ways. Like, I get that you want to show off that Anna's parents are accepting, but you go about doing so in contrived ways that don't line up with how people talk in real life. Take, for example, what Anna's dad said in the first chapter: "You used to be such a happy kid, I guess before the existential dread of gender and puberty hit you." Like, that's entirely true, but nobody actually talks like that. Honestly, it comes off more as performative wokeness than as genuine acceptance.
And third, paragraphs. At various points in the story, it was literally hard to read. There are very few line breaks between paragraphs, and on top of that, your paragraphs tend to be long and rambly. It creates a wall-of-text effect that genuinely makes it difficult for the reader to parse what's going on.
Sorry to be so scathing, but I really wanted to like this story more than I did, and some constructive criticism may help you improve your craft. I'm looking forward to your next story!
Author's Response: These are all solid criticisms and I appreciate them greatly. This story I'm really just having fun and goofing around, I got something longer in the works. Probably not gonna post that here but I appreciate them.
Date: 02/02/19 01:28 am Title: Chapter 3
i repeat. orc GF. 7'. now. gimmie.
so far its fun? it reads as very dream like because its surreal and i project it being a mix of idealized hopes mixed with expectations because the reality is everything is going the main character's way. that doesn't make it bad but its not my favorite mix of fantastic fantasy with normal realism? its fun. its important to have fun. my personal tastes push me to lean harder on realistic or fantasy rather than this bold combination.
Date: 01/21/19 09:05 pm Title: Chapter 1
I am enjoying the story and can't wait to see more. However, I find it hard to believe the lack of reaction from the world at what is an unheard of event. That being said as this is labeled as kid friendly I guess I can understand the glazing over of any radical reactions that would normally happen if something like this ever actually happened.
Author's Response: Oh there are definitely parents freaking out in other parts of the world, but the town and family I'm focusing on is mostly chill. Mostly.
Date: 01/21/19 02:45 pm Title: Chapter 2
*is slightly disappointed that, being 31, she would've missed out on getting a mythical body upgrade*
Author's Response: Yeah the idea is that it's queer youth getting powerful forms so they could protect themselves. The world sees us as monsters, as not human, so we became as such to fight back.
Date: 01/20/19 10:39 pm Title: Chapter 1
Now how do i begin with katie. Katie can write characters coming to terms with their new bodys SO GOOD. Its amazing how well she can put the thought process of a trans girl into words, seeing them come to terms with their newly transformed body as the world around them starts to make sense. And in turn themselves. What i also like about katie is that she is the nost precious most wonderfull girl i have ever met and once i have my gay little hands on her nothing will stop me from endless hugs, kisses and playing with her breasts because gosh damn she is a hottie
Author's Response: SONIA OH MY GOD YOU DORK
Date: 01/20/19 03:27 am Title: Chapter 1
I'm gonna assume that mythical beings like angels are relatively common in the world as are seemingly random transformations considering the lack of reaction from both parents. Aside from a lack of information about the world, which I'm guessing will come in future chapters, it's looking like it should be an interesting story.