Date: 12/28/18 09:58 pm Title: Cover & Full Synopsis
OK, where to begin? First, surprised only one review so far when this has been posted over a week. My guess is that that's because it's so long, posted all at once instead of serially, that a lot of people haven't finished it yet, or skipped it.
Second, I finished reading and enjoying it all today, but in chunks, not like the previous reviewer. I also found it worth finishing, and am glad you posted it. Since you requested comments, here goes. But note well that I feel very grateful for all the excellent free stories shared here, and aim only to be constructive. Which is why I find myself skipping, or at least not commenting on, stories that are poorly written or formatted (including one-long-run-on-paragraph). This story is better than that, soI don't mean to be a buzzkill, but there were some issues. Without feedback, you wouldn't know for the sequels. So --
- The story is long, really long, which is good when you have time and interest for a diversion. But that still made it hard to follow at points, even compared with reading on paper where you can jump back for reminders. This is not a showstopper, but it means authors must work even harder to bring the reader along with them using foreshadowing and flashbacks/reminders. Posting all (many) chapters at once does give the power to the reader to choose the pacing, but in practice, it can be hard to remember where you left off, plus the story ages off the site within a couple of weeks and disappears unless you work to remember the title and search for it. Overall I prefer chapters to be posted over time, but without gaps too big so you forget the storyline; say, a chapter or two a week.
- There are a lot of typos, spelling errors, and grammatical disconnects that could have benefited from another proofreading by the author or a friend. Not so many that I quit reading, but it was jarring having to fill in missing words, or ask myself, "wait, is it Ashley or Ashely?" Etc.
- Because the story is long, it's important not to wear out the reader with repeated phrasing. In particular I had to grit my teeth a lot every time a character did that! The trick is to notice the repetitive words and phrases (usually upon review) and look for ways to say basically the same thing again, but differently. Not say, say, the sayme thing again, again. (grin)
In closing, though, thanks again for writing and sharing this fun TG story at all.
Author's Response: Thank you for your comment. I initially posted this on my website as a weekly serial. Which helps address your first two points, the lack of comments, is due, at least in part to this, and to the fact that I also posted it on several other sites in conjunction to this one. As far as serializing it here, it seemed unreasonable to prolong a story that had already been serialized on my website. If you're interested in reading future works, you may wish to bookmark my website www.danielawolfe.com, so that you may read future serials. Truth be told, I've proofread the hell out of this puppy. I spent hours spilling over line after line, fixing, and correcting mistakes, and yes, eliminating a lot of repetitive words and phrases. I find it disheartening that you seem to have found so many. Unfortunately, since the passing of Holly Heart who helped edit some of my earlier stories, I've been unable to find anyone willing or able to do grammar editing for me on such a large project. I know my limits and they've pretty much been stretched to their limits. The good news is I am improving. I'm glad you enjoyed the story, and I do hope you consider reading my stories in the future. Have a delightfully demented day, Daniel A. Wolfe
Date: 12/20/18 04:05 am Title: Epilogue
I really enjoyed this tale - so much so that I read the entirety of it in one sitting. I loved the character of Amelia, and although I didn't like Everett, I liked Sapphira - but found her change mentally from bigot to accepting/tolerant a little too fast. Maybe it was because she could feel people mentally, and know she was wrong, but the development seemed a bit off. Either way, I love how the villian Chemosh, Moloch and Ashtar were all parts of a tripartate being and I can see how you might be setting up for a sequel. I really think this was a fun, solid story. Thanks!
Author's Response: Thank you I am glad you enjoyed it. This story is the first in what I hope to be many interconnected superhero yarns. Sapphira and Amy will not be the protagonist of the next few ones, but they will make appearances. That being said their story is far from finished.