Date: 03/18/19 08:49 am Title: Chapter 1
Very well written, you write action sequences well. Had a very good pace to events, and I liked that it ended with the protagonist finding new purpose.
Probably should have some content warning tags for non-consent and intense violence, though. Yes, with a vampire story with "thrall" in the title, those are kinda implied, but even so, the tags are important.
Date: 01/30/19 01:11 pm Title: Chapter 9
i dont think it should go on too long. You don't want to drag it on for the sake of it. And it's not great for the readers if you do continue it on because A: You might loose interest and stop updating, or B: The readers will loose interest
Date: 01/29/19 05:20 am Title: Chapter 8
I'd imagine the Main Character, who's name I can't remember at one AM with no re-read, and Kara will get into some kind of relationship either coming back and killing "Master", as I also can't remember a name for him, or they just go off and be vampire and thrall together on there own leaving "Master" to his own devices. If "Master" is killed everyone but Kara could be saved? IDK how thralls work as well as vampires work. I'mma go to sleep now, I wish you happiness and that you may forever evade writers block in any text of yours. 4/5 cause I don't want to round up from 4.879
Date: 01/29/19 05:15 am Title: Chapter 1
MC turning does sound interesting...
Loved the chapter. I gotta leave this though:
Inside and outside
Blue his house with a blue little window and a blue Corvette
And everything is blue for him
And hisself and everybody around
'Cause he ain't got nobody to listen (to listen)
Date: 01/26/19 04:27 pm Title: Chapter 7
I really would like to them kill that vampire bastard.
Author's Response: I can always count on you to hope for an optimistic end XD. The ending is the only thing I have planned out, as I usually don't plan more than one chapter at a time, so here's hoping you like it when I get there.
Date: 11/15/18 12:38 am Title: Chapter 3
This story so far is very good. I want to see what happens next. I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Also, it seems in the notes you are second guessing yourself. Don’t. You are writing a great story, and I can’t wait to read about when they hit the town.
Date: 11/11/18 09:52 pm Title: Chapter 2
I like this a lot and would like to see you continue it. I particularly like the main character's voice, and the revelation we get when the vampire compels him to talk about his costume.
I noticed a couple of malapropisms: "breaks" for "brakes", "taught" for "taut". "peter pan" was lowercase in one instance, and as a proper name should always be uppercase.
I've never seen "thrall" used the way you use it here, even in other vampire stories (admittedly, I haven't read a huge number of modern vampire stories). I've always seen it used as a count noun, more or less synonymous with "slave", that gets pluralized like most English nouns -- not as a collective noun for a group of slaves, like here.
I'm not sure why the main character (or you?) consider Pete Pan to be a feminine character. He's an eternally prepubescent boy, but a very boyish boy, the kind who spends all his time in outdoor, rough-and-tumble games. If the MC is trans and doesn't realize it, it makes sense for the vampire to perceive that and turn him into a girl; I just don't see how the Peter Pan costume is an expression of latent femininity. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and look forward to seeing where you're going with this.
Author's Response: Fixed the malapropisms, thanks for the catch. Honestly, I'm pretty sure you're right about incorrectly using thrall as a collective term now that I did a quick google search. In my brain it just always seemed to function as both, but saying it out loud I'm not so sure. I might continue using it as such, or I might not. I hope it isn't too distracting.
I'm basing the MC's costume off a costume my friend did IRL which literally had see-through green tights and a huge shirt that looked more like a dress, but I probably didn't get that across as well in the writing. But overall the character isn't trans, just subconsciously used the excuse of Halloween to express himself in a way that toxic masculinity restricts in his day to day. Greg the Vampire is more imposing his own wants and desires onto the MC than actually fulfilling any of the MC's desires. Although, I also understand if that isn't super present in the writing.
Glad you like the direction and the voice. I hadn't intended for the narration to be so informal and "care-free", but that's how it came out and I figured I'd stick with it. Tone will change though as it moves on, and hopefully I'll make the transition seamless.