Date: 09/24/19 07:17 pm Title: Chapter 1
I really think you let victoria 's mother and sister get scot free way to easily. I mean her mom's punishment is to remain an attractive teenager? They way the story started I would have like for Victoria to run away and have her own adventures with Lewis/Chloe, instead of letting the coven walk all over her.
Date: 09/24/19 06:34 am Title: Chapter 7
I really hope this means your picking up the story again. I'd like to read more.
On a small grammatical note, when there is a dialog tag after the closing quotation mark, the period just before the closing quotation mark becomes a comma. Note that this only applies to periods; exclamation points and question marks are unchanged.
Date: 09/22/19 02:30 pm Title: Chapter 7
It’s a bit rough, I’ve seen like a few lines that kind of slipped through a spell check. It the story pace seems a bit too fast in my opinion, I hoping it setting up something interesting though.
I honestly have wanted to see a story with a premise like this though. Honestly seeing withes in one’s family casually turning a guy into a girl being a common trope in tg fiction has dark implications that are usually not explored.
Date: 09/20/19 05:38 pm Title: Chapter 7
On that note from my review, i mean nothing negative towards your writing. With time i expect it will get better from practice. Nobody is perfect, so don't bring yourself down about my comments. I still find both your stories here very entertaining!
Date: 09/20/19 04:34 am Title: Chapter 7
It lives. Going to need to reread it but the start of it is just so good that I don't mind.
Although I haven't read ch. 7 I hope you've improved the dynamic with his best friend since the start of this was high quality but the best friend and his chapter was kind of a quality drop which is why this isn't getting 5 stars.
Date: 09/08/19 08:40 pm Title: Chapter 6
Jo man. I already left a review a while ago, but you seem to need the extra motivation.
This is REALLY good. I can feel the emotion of Victor(ia) really well. When i read this i feel like i have been with (at the time) him when he was tormented by his familly. I wan' t to see her story unfold. I like Lewis :D
Please update if you find the time
Author's Response: Updated
Date: 01/21/19 08:56 pm Title: Chapter 1
A really good story. I was hooked almost immediately and really feel for the characters. Writing style itself is great. My one concern is that it feels a bit like, now that the initial setup is done, I'm not sure whether the same rhythm and good pace can be kept up. It seemed a bit odd to draw Lewis into it as well to be honest as it will only shift focus away from the main story, but we'll see what happens. I hope this gets updated soon!
Date: 01/08/19 05:31 pm Title: Chapter 1
After reading through this story I really am enjoying it thus far, however after reading chapter 6 I have some hesitation about the future of the story. While it’s novel to see not one but two transformed individuals in this story it feels as though the narrative weight of Victoria’s past and her situation have been lessened in the pursuit of a different angle. Now that two individuals find themselves transformed and suddenly witches, Victoria’s trials on her own feel... smaller I guess. I would suggest figuring out a way to reduce focus on Lewis either by fixing their issue since they previously did not have magic access or by some alternate route. Additionally, the suggestion of a love triangle here makes me pause. There’s nothing wrong with polyamory, but this just feels like Rachel is beginning to cheat on Victoria. I would suggest a reevaluation of this plot point to make sure it’s as tight as it can possibly be. Finally, Lenore. So she has a child’s body now? What are her thoughts about that? What are Victoria’s, Elizabeth’s or anyone else? That seems out of left field and in my opinion requires further clarification.
I really like this story, but I fear that this last chapter might have fundamentally changed what I liked about it, and it worries me.
Author's Response: Ok, better late than never I suppose. Rachel was just nervous about Lewis as a sudden possible rival, not really cheating. I don't really like writing polyamory stories. My problem was adding in Lewis, as he was important as a support character to Victor as part of the backstory. The unfortunate side effect was taking away from pacing of narrative, but also to keep focus on Victoria. The environment I created for the story would have precluded Lewis normally, which would have left the figure to either disappear into the ether, or disappear all together. Lenore's body was set back to 16 or so, as part of her punishment, and her thoughts were mostly just struggling through. The story became complicated due to the number of themes I was trying to shove into it. Looking back I should probably have waited a lot longer to address Lewis, as it totally screwed with pacing and interfered with other narrative issues. I probably need to scrap that chapter, and find another way to address the themes of friendship.
Date: 11/14/18 12:10 am Title: Chapter 6
I 100% forgot to do something after I read this twice. Good work. If I was him/her I still keep that plan for leaving that's a lot of damage done and trust broken by him the sister and mother and hell i would say the grandmother is to blame as well. Trust is the hardest thing to earn back. It's not going g to be easy for anyone to win her trust back
Date: 11/13/18 12:25 pm Title: Chapter 6
Aha, the love triangle begins I see. I really like where this story is going so far, very nicely written characters with realistic reactions to being TFd, something I feel is lacking in most of these stories. Anyway, great work, I will be eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
Date: 11/12/18 04:16 am Title: Chapter 6
Awe poor Rachel. And of course Victoria is as dense as a brick and has no understanding of why her girlfriend is jealous and feels threatened. I just hope it doesn't take too long for Victoria to get the message and reassure Rachel properly. Its also nice to see that even with a new Amazonian sex symbol around Rachel is still head over heels for Victoria. But I hope Lewis finds a nice witch girlfriend to date as well.
Hmm, it'd be really cool if magic could facilitate two witches having a baby together. That they could build a family just as easily as any other witches. The idea of Rachel and Victoria in 15 years with three adorable little girls running around has me giggling like crazy, especially if Victoria had one of them
Date: 11/12/18 01:53 am Title: Chapter 6
Please no, don't make this a harem type deal I liked their relationship when it was just the two of them and honestly, it makes Rachel look like a giant slut to be perving after her girlfriends best friend.
Though it occurred to me that I might be misreading this situation and Rachel is just being a little jealous and afraid her new girlfriend might be taken away, and to be honest this is what I hope is actually going on.
Author's Response: Rachel is a little jealous, and scared of 'the best friend' being a hot girl. I don't write harem stories.
Date: 11/02/18 06:30 am Title: Chapter 1
Interesting start, and I'm enjoying the world -building.
As far as Ashley, I'm almost suspecting, though it wasn't specifically detailed in the story, that Lenore has been magically influencing Ashley, in the goal of driving that wedge between the two siblings. When Ashley magicked Victor into Vicky, all of that influence was gone. At least, that's my hope. She seems like a character who needs developing.
Author's Response: That's accurate.
Date: 11/02/18 12:16 am Title: Chapter 5
I am enjoying your story
I disagree on Rachel being creepy as she is the odd one out of the coven's three lesbians - Further, as she wants to share everything with her sig other (so unable to chose someone outside of the coven) I could see her leaping at the 1st chance of a relationship - it might be a bumpy start to a relationship but as I assume she is a teenager and likely not had a relationship she wouldn't have the maturity to think this might cause problems later.
Ashley has to be a bit stupid though to a) not have noticed all the other witches only had daughters and b) that her younger brother was being abused by her and her Mum. If she is a bit selfish and below average IQ then it is possible she could be this way - otherwise she needs to be a bit more bitchy or have a very bad experience with men/boys that she transferred onto her brother or Victor/Victoria is not as innocent in the family dynamic.
Agree that unless there is a stronger dynamic of the Coven vs. their husbands (i.e something like Stepford husbands) think Aunts and Grandma are not innocent in not getting to know even an adopted nephew/grandchild.
Would think a complete mind wipe would cause more issue than limiting what is actually known - would think the complete mind wipe is more for a divorced husband that ended badly than an adopted son - would think Aunts / Grandparents would expect if a witch want to adopt a son she would want to reap the reward of time/money spent - thus son not have his mind wiped or jettisoned when husband was divorced as he only was there for husband to be happy.
Date: 11/01/18 07:48 pm Title: Chapter 1
Really great so far. Some thoughts?
To me the its kinda weird that sister is so surprised by everything in the first chapter, particularly given her later attittude. I think if she showed some more desbelief, and a little support for her brother, then her attitude shift after the incident would be more believable.
I understand his family's motives (great job on the storytelling btw), but even so its no excuse for showing no interest whatsoever with the kid. Her grandmother, for example, could still have made some contact with him without revealing her identity, for example - it shows that not only she doesnt care about the kid, but also about her daughter's life. I think it could be a potential storyline in the future.
And finally... Rachel is a creep. Dont like her at all.
Date: 11/01/18 05:06 pm Title: Chapter 5
This is really good.
The first few chapters were depressing as hell but interesting. It rather shocked me that Victor/Victoria responded the way she did when Lenore was getting a beat down. Or at least it did in the moment when I was furious on her behalf. Now though, her outburst makes more sense to me as a mix of shock and concern rather than concern alone. That might say more about me than her, I'm just extremely vindictive.
I definitely see Rachel and Victoria's relationship from the same angle as Ashley. While Victria needs all the support she can get, if I was Rachel I know I'd feel very conflicted pursuing things the way she has.
Just a few thoughts from my perspective. I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing!
Date: 11/01/18 03:33 pm Title: Chapter 5
This is an awesome series so far I hope to see more published!
Though my main critic of it is how easy the sister got off I mean she couldn't be totally in the dark right? No matter how secluded they were from one another she had to have realized she was being abused?
Author's Response: The intent from Elizabeth was to reduce conflict, restore some familiar connections with Victoria and Ashley, provide support, and end a series of violations. It wasn't to engage in revenge. Ashley was young, so to some degree youthful indiscretions were overlooked where the damage was minimal. Victoria's mother was old enough to know better though. The punishment would have been harsher on the mother, I imagine, but I decided that Elizabeth would feel it necessary to keep what familiar connections she could, while resolving things in due course.