Date: 10/23/18 04:33 pm Title: Chapter 6
That was quite good. The main character wasn't very sympathetic, but was still compelling to read about. And the mystery was well constructed, though I found the ending confusing and had to read it again to see where and how Dan figured out what had happened and how. Thank you; I look forward to seeing more of your work sometime.
Date: 10/13/18 01:26 pm Title: Chapter 6
Overall I liked the story. The ending felt rushed. Tom obviously has rage issues. Nicely done.
Author's Response: Thank you. Maybe the ending is a bit rushed. a lot does happen there. Tom does have some issues but so does everyone. Thanks again.
Date: 10/11/18 06:29 pm Title: Chapter 1
It appears that you lean too much on stream of consciousness. In other words, you develop plot based upon whatever occurs to your mind, rather than working within a coherent plot. Also, you could condense this quite a bit to make the story move more quickly and more enjoyably.
Author's Response: Wow, in-depth constructive criticism not sure how to handle this. I see what you mean by stream of consciousness but I wouldn't know how to write any other way. I have a rough idea of how the story will go but things sort of come to life as I write then it changes. Maybe that's a bad thing but I think it just makes things feel natural. Maybe it's not natural enough if I could condense it but then it would probably end up shorter than it is. I guess it would just take a better writer or a good publisher t refine my work. Currently, this is my peak but I will keep practicing though. I appreciate the critic and will keep it in mind for future work.
Date: 10/10/18 09:19 pm Title: Chapter 6
Wow such a dark-ish ending, but, totally would love to read what happened after that. Other than that great story, totally didn't expect that ending X3
Author's Response: Honestly, I would love to write what happened next but it almost feels like it would be a story in itself and this story is already over. I am really happy you enjoyed the story though. I struggled to write the ending but I think it all worked out ;)
Date: 10/10/18 08:07 pm Title: Chapter 6
A much darker story than i imagined, but i think it was good. However i am disappointed in not knowing how the switch occurred.
Author's Response: Yeah, its kind of dark. I wanted to commit though and I felt like everything working out would have just been dull. As for the switch, not every mystery can be solved, I'll let you theorize on that one. I'm really happy you stuck around till the end though, thank you so much :)
Date: 10/08/18 07:23 pm Title: Chapter 5
The second half of this was like both Kristie and Dan are in Kristie's body and they are having an argument. I haven't decided if that's what happened or if Dan's mind broke and he's now got a split personality. Regardless, this has been very dramatic.
Author's Response: Huh, more things I can't aptly answer. I'm gonna go for a soft... yes-ish-maybe. It will all be explained. And yes it is all very dramatic. It's a mystery with teenagers. I felt every moment should feel like the end of the world.
Date: 10/01/18 02:50 am Title: Chapter 5
Is he imagining this or is Kristie somehow telling him this? Sounds like he has gone off the deep end. If not, i was hoping for more of a detailed mystery to this story, and i kind of feel like this was a cop-out
Author's Response: Yes? No? It's hard to explain. It's also part of the underlying mystery. I do understand what you mean. This story always felt like a murder mystery and I always thought not having a cohesive end was going to ruin it. unless it was done right ;) Guess you'll just have to keep reading. I do really hope that it lives up to your expectations or at the very least not suck.
Date: 09/30/18 05:54 am Title: Chapter 4
Love this! Are you going to release this in blocks? Why not all at once? I'm really itching to continue reading!
Author's Response: I liked doing it all in pieces because it created tension between chapters and helped separate moments. The end, however, was done as a whole so it wouldn't feel like I was holding out. I'm really happy you're enjoying this and hope you do till the end.
Date: 09/27/18 11:46 pm Title: Chapter 1
I don't suppose you've ever read Boku wa Mari no Naka (Inside Mari)? The basic premise really reminds me of that manga.
Author's Response: I actually have read Boku wa Mari no Naka. its been a while though. I promise I wasn't thinking of it when I wrote this even though I see many of the parallels. It won't have the same ending though.
Date: 09/26/18 04:30 am Title: Chapter 1
Hmmm, interesting premise.
I am very intrigued as to what happened to Kristie, the spirit and Dan, the body. Did they swap? Are they around? Did Kristie kill herself because of something in her past and Dan die of the beating and somehow he ended up in Kristie?
This will be fun finding out.
Author's Response: I want to answer so bad but I don't want to spoil it. Guess we'll just have to finish. I apologize if the ending is not what you expected but I'm glad you've enjoyed this so far.
Date: 09/23/18 07:07 am Title: Chapter 4
“Who are you?” Isn’t that a question that we all ask ourselves at some point?
Author's Response: True, true. If somebody hasn't, they're probably doing something wrong. Or know something the rest of us don't. Kristie hasn't.
Date: 09/23/18 03:46 am Title: Chapter 1
Such an intriguing story. You’re handling all the character interactions beautifully, and I find myself sympathizing more and more with the initially (I agree with a previous review) unsympathetic Dan. Brilliant stuff, thank you.
Author's Response: That means a lot to me, thank you. I always worry about my characters but once I get them in my mind they sort of control themselves. Dan is a person, he has his good and bad.
Date: 09/21/18 10:01 pm Title: Chapter 3
Oh wow, as if things weren't getting bad enough, why not just feign ignorance or amnessia, just to make sure at least everybody notices the lack of knowledge because of it. Either way, dang, that cliffhanger, now will finally see what happened, good work on keeping me awaiting for more =D
Author's Response: I never thought people would actually believe the amnesia angle, on top of that the hope would be that this was temporary. No need to pointlessly complicate things I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Things are going to get interesting... and odd.
Date: 09/20/18 04:07 am Title: Chapter 2
I haven't seen much like this premise. A stalker becoming the object of their obsession. Color me intrigued.
My only big criticisms so farar that I feel like despite how important her looks are to the protagonist, we haven't gotten a good picture of Kristie as readers. Also the temporal transitions from one day to the next can be a bit abrupt and confusing. Still looking forward to more though.
Author's Response: I'm amazed this premise isn't more out there, it seemed really obvious to me. Maybe I'm just weird. There's a lot of body swap stories out there but they don't seem to dig into the niche elements of the genre. As far as Kristie goes I like how I described her. It's sort of a specifically vague description of beauty. Imagine her as you will. The time thing was a genuine problem though, thanks for pointing that out. Added some spaces, hopefully, that clarifies it. I'll make it more obvious if necessary. Thanks for the constructive criticism. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Date: 09/19/18 11:53 am Title: Chapter 1
This is certainly a departure from your average story on this site. I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes from here and how you handle the unsympathetic protagonist.
Author's Response: I never really thought of Dan as unsympathetic. Now that I'm rereading this story I can definitely see that. Mostly I just tried to stay true to the character which I think definitely impacted this story. I'm glad you're enjoying this, hope you enjoy it to the end.