Date: 09/06/18 07:34 pm Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
Overall I enjoyed this, but the bulk of it is not as strong as the beginning. After Pam has the conversation with her mind-controlled parents who are suddenly keen on sending her to finishing school, too much time was covered without any fully dramatized scenes with dialogue. The story would have been much stronger, for instance, if we saw the scene where Pam sees Nellie bringing her new boyfriend to the family Christmas gathering fully played out rather than briefly summarized, and there are a number of other events later on that are summarized when they should be dramatized.
The scenes that *are* dramatized are generally quite good, and you can't tell a story spanning eight years without timeskips and summaries. But I feel you went a little too far with that.
The ending felt a little off, too; of the three princes and one princess who have offered to marry her, she impulsively accepts the proposal of the one she has known for the least time. It turns out well, but she had no valid reason to expect it to, given how little she knows Prince Dean; that was pure luck.
Still, I enjoyed it enough to want to read more of your work, so that's a win.
Date: 07/26/18 02:40 pm Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
Dream, I have to say this is one of my favorite stories on this site. You were able to work your own magic in bringing the characters to life. You made them three dimensional instead of just words on a page. The main plot of the story was fresh, not the typical transformation story. I love longer stories where the author takes the time to develop the characters, the scenes, and the storyline. You have done well.
I also think a good story needs some conflict in order to develop the main character. This story wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, and we got to see Pam grow from overcoming her challenges.
I understand your excitement in publishing your story, I would be excited too. Maybe hold back a little to give yourself time to reread your work from our perspective.
You have a real gift for storytelling and I hope you continue to write. I look forward to your future endeavors.
Maybe you could have the goth witch work her magic on other people. (I'd like to see some payback on Nellie for the way she abandoned Pam.)
Date: 07/26/18 03:39 am Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
I read the whole thing after it was finished, and then I checked the reviews. I have to agree on the criticism of the story being rushed. I don’t think that was fixed. While it was a long story, it read like someone telling you what happened in a story, than letting the story tell itself naturally. An example of this, was the chapters where Pam overcame the depression, was involved with Tyson/Brenda, then engaged to Price Dean in the span of three chapters.
Characters were also uneven. The dad came off cruel when he was forcing her live, but then all was forgiven, then the story gave the vibe of him being emotionally abscent and working two much. The ex-wife was way too quick to move on.
Did the dad force her to go to the boarding schools because of the goth girl’s curse? It seemed like that, but never expanded on. Was this all planned by the goth girl?
I did like how you went full circle with Pam trying to buy alcohol underage.
All in all, it was a good story, but everything was too rushed. Your next story, you should try and slow down a little, and expand some more.
Date: 07/20/18 10:41 pm Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
Dream, not trying to nitpick, but is the title word supposed to be 'Pauper' or is there another meaning to 'Popper' that I am not aware of?
Great story, keeps getting better.
Author's Response: Very correct and very embarrassing. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
Date: 07/17/18 04:52 pm Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
Dream, I know this is a fictional story with a magical element, but at some point real magic occurred - the characters became real. Now I find myself yelling at Pam for going out on David. He worked SO hard to make a loving relationship with Pam. She had no reason to go behind his back except to play the field. If she really wanted a date with Chaz, she should have discussed it with David. Probably the same outcome, but at least she would have been acting honorably. See what I mean? These are real people now.
Some parts still seem a little rushed, would like to have seen more adventures at Gaby's castle for example.
Overall, you're doing a phenomenal job. What might have been a predictable outcome has stayed in a state of flux. Can't wait to see what the next 5 years brings. Keep it coming, slow and steady.
Author's Response: The rushed theme of these comments is something I've always struggled with. I just get excited about a plot line and pour it out fast. It makes perfect sense in my head, but I don't illustrate well. I'm nervous about posting the conclusion, after all these comments, because I had tried to slowly escalate the story to one final climax conflict. After the depression is overcome and a full acceptance is determined, I didn't want to drag on all the regular everyday stuff or bore readers with a story that's conclusion was obvious at that point, so even I feel like the conclusion is a little rushed. I do hope you still enjoy it. I will try to amp up the original stay in Gaby's castle and re edit the conclusion to look for places I can add bulk. Thanks again for all your reviews and helpful critiques.
Date: 07/13/18 07:05 am Title: Chapter 11:Transformation and Training Begin to Kick In
Waaaaaait did she drink? It doesn't say she did. Also why not bisexual since she's clearly into women and men, even if she denies it. Or pansexual? (not a dig at you as a writer, I'm asking your characters why they so closed minded?)
Date: 07/13/18 06:49 am Title: Chapter 10: Life at a New School
Yikes the heteronormativity is so gross. Why cant she be a lesbian princess? Poor girl never even asked for this, an evil witch simply decided to fuck with her life and her children's lives. I wonder how the girls are doing, losing their father must be very hard on them...
Date: 07/13/18 06:28 am Title: Chapter 6: Devastation and Depression
Wow... she didn't even address the point of his wife and kids. She probably doesn't care too. And she screwed with his mind... yikes. Looks like he's going to learn how to be a tween girl whether he likes it or not.
Date: 07/12/18 03:34 am Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
Dream, I re-read the entire story and all I can say is WOW! You have set this up to be a really epic tale.
I like the changes you made to the first part, it really fills in some bare patches nicely. I'm sorry, I think I was too harsh on you, especially after reading more chapters. I can't wait to read more. I'm in this for the next '8 years' at least. Keep up the great writing.
Date: 07/11/18 03:11 pm Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
I like the stories premise, he seems to be accepting this way too easy. Perhaps a chapter or at least a paragraph as to why.
I agree with a lot of what has been said here so I won't go on about that.
I would like to know the mindset of the girl that did this. The punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime, there doesn't even seem to be a crime here to be punished! He didn't serve a minor alchohol? There's more to that story.
Camp should have been longer.
I know what you're going through, been writing the same story for two and a half years now and have totally rewritten it once and edited completely twice and have about 12,000 words. That's why it's not on here yet. It is a personal story for me though, true, except for the change.
Good plot, like the characters, need more depth and the camp chapter should have been longer.
Author's Response: Thank you for your feedback. I kind of wanted the reasoning for the punishment to be a little bit of a mystery, but based on many of the comments, it may have been to hidden. I do think it works itself out later on in the story - I hope. I went back and slowed down the girl's camp chapter and tried to add a little more emotion and feeling to it. Thanks again.
Date: 07/11/18 02:42 am Title: Chapter 8: Girl's Camp
I dont want to be too critical since the story is unfinished, but i know where it's gonna go. Basically you have created a scenario where a chance of a happy ending is impossible without breaking the rules, and...well, thats not much of an incentive to read. Children are gonna grow up believing their father died in a cave in, widow who knows the truth wont be off any better, and so on. You see what im getting at?
Date: 07/09/18 07:59 pm Title: Chapter 1: A Morning Surprise
Started off great, but now seems rushed and confusing. Pam gives up on his wife and family way too quickly, then runs away. Then makes his own mom play a guessing game with his identity. Why? He (Pam) seems like a mature and organized person, not given to rash decisions. Pam should go back home and work out some more realistic arrangements with his wife. And tell his parents. They're going to suspect something eventually.
Looking forward to the next part.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your honest, constructive feedback. I agree and went back and just slightly changed some of the dialogue in each of the chapters to show more longing for resolution. Is there any specific thing you had in mind that I could have put in there to help show that desire? On the other hand, I'm still trying to build into the bigger picture of the story where those positive traits of Ryan's that you mentioned, with some mystical persuasion, are actually what helps him to recognize that the making the best of the situation will be better than fighting a new reality. I do appreciate your perspective,