Date: 07/03/18 08:40 pm Title: Chapter 1
The writing and grammar of the story was terrible. You're going to need to find yourself an editor. I'm going to assume that English isn't your first language, so I'm going to forgive the grammar. I will not excuse, however, the long, unbroken, paragraphs.
The actual story felt unoriginal, and mediocre at best. The interactions between the characters didn't feel like genuine conversations, and the stereotypes that were implemented into the story didn't feel necessary. Also, how did Sarah know about the purple bikini? Did she stalk him, or is she just telepathic?
Now let's talk about the transformation. If I had to give it a rating out of ten, I'd say it was terrible. Let's be honest here. The transformation method felt lazy, as all that happens is someone puts on clothing. There is no explanation for why this happens, and I feel like I've taken away nothing from the read. The only redeeming quality to this story was the amount of detail added to the transformation between male and female. The only decent section is brought to an end with the ridiculous phrase "Yay! no more chaffing." What an anticlimax.
Personally, I feel that if you improved the grammar, made the conversations feel real, and adding some explanation as to why the transformation occurs, I feel like this could make a decent stand-alone story. The story didn't feel original, like I mentioned earlier, but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter, as long as it feels like a good read.
2/5 rating. Thanks for the read, and I hope to hear more from you in the future.
Date: 06/30/18 01:51 pm Title: Chapter 1
I'll echo the other Inaroundaboutway.
I'm going to assume you're not a native speaker of English, as Hungarian itself has a weird formatting style that seems alien to English speakers.
Some advice thus:
A character speaking should be a paragraph of its own. Use quotation marks to denote spoken word and accompany it with descriptive narration. Refer to this for a quick and easy primer: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/how-to-write-dialogue
Speaking on topic of paragraphs, you should try to break them up. Keep in mind the medium you are using to communicate your story, then format it so that it looks good on it.
To find out what looks good, the guiding principle should be to keep major ideas separate. You shouldn't pack the same paragraph with a dozen unrelated events, people talking etc.
There are of course exceptions to the above, but they are done in name of controlling the pace. By creating a standard, ideal paragraph size that your readers get used to, you can either drastically shorten or increase it to both create a sense of urgency/shock or the feeling of things being drawn out, muddled, complicated. https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/whats-the-rule-about-paragraph-length