Date: 05/19/19 08:03 pm Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
I appreciate manually adding P tags would be tedious. I usually write my stories in Word, as well; you can just paste everything into an automatic HTML converter and then copy the resulting HTML into your TGStorytime window.
Author's Response: Wow, that's genius, thank you!!! :D I've also got some other formatting that this could use. Although I won't this tonight: I've just finished this week comic pages, and I'm pretty tired xD Thank you again ^^
Date: 05/19/19 06:52 pm Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
Hi LenioTG, I'm just getting started into the story, but looking at the chapter titles, tags and synopsis, I can already tell this will be fun to read. One thing to improve readability; please wrap each paragraph intags. Right now, it looks like you're using breaks (
) but that doesn't put enough space between the paragraphs, causing them to mush together, and breaking the flow you've intended with your paragraphs.
Author's Response: Hi RemiTF, thank you for your review! :D I remember you, and I value your feedback! English is not my primary language, so, to avoid most spell mistakes, I know write in Office, and then check on Grammarly, so I'm not writing directly on TGStoryTime! Furthermore, I release everything on Patreon earlier, where now there's also this story PDF. So, in this case, there's not much space between the chapters because I've pasted the text from Office! I think it would be a nightmare to add those tags at the end and at the start of each chapter on a story of almost 40k words: I won't do that, sorry! :(
Date: 05/17/19 05:04 pm Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
Great start to a good story. I stopped reading after chapter 15. Chapter 14 just broke the flow of the story and it wasn't coming back. Im not good enough a writer to suggest what to do, but the middle is always a struggle. The other woman out of no where just didn't work well. Keep writing, you'll get better.
Author's Response: Hi Karl, thank you for sharing your feedback! :) I know, chapter 14 was no doubt the biggest fail of my "career" in the TG field so far: I got very demoralized after it, and I abandoned this story. Finally I've completed it, and I've made a lot of stories in the meanwhile, now I'm working on the 13th! :D
Date: 05/12/19 09:15 pm Title: 23 - Loneliness
great story glad you continued
Author's Response: Thank you very much! :D Now that I'm taking this more seriously, I don't want to leave any story unfinished! The reason why I stopped writing I'll Make You Happy is that I had received a lot of bad comments about my English and about a decision I had made in the middle of the story...now I hope I'm getting better in English, and I've learned that most times it's better to just finish a story on your own, and then publish it as you meant it!
Date: 05/12/19 12:24 pm Title: 6 - Order Me To Do It
I wanted to give a special mention 5 star rating for how you subtly are training his mind even as they're consciously trying to train hers. I mean maybe the story will go in a different direction, I'm still a bit early in the story, but it seems like that's where things are headed, and I really like it.
Author's Response: Thank you so much, that was exactly what I was trying to do there!! :D
Date: 01/19/19 07:05 pm Title: 22 - The Second First Date
The ending seems fitting. I do feel like Dave lost a lot, but he also gained a lot. I hope if you do an epilogue that say a year in the future Dave let's Serena restore his feelings and memories of they're 3 years together.
Author's Response: Thank you for your reviews!!! :D I was actually reading right now one of your wonderful stories!!! :D I got a little "writer block" on this story. It would be nice to complete it one day, and one more chapter would definitely be doable: thank you for these ideas! ^^
Date: 06/16/18 04:03 pm Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
I'm not trying to be too overharsh, I guess that's just how I with criticism, and I never said to stop writing, just to improve on what you have :/
Author's Response: If you have some constructive critique to make, you'll always be welcome to write them, and I'll be glad to answer you! :) I just don't think that saying "Your grammar and even spelling is absolutely terrible" is of any help to anyone. I assure you that some stuff I wrote in my language is much more articulate, but sadly school in my country are very bad in teaching English, and almost all I know I learned by myself. I'll make you an example: in my last story, a kind guy told me that I wrote "feets" instead of "foot", and "choosed" instead of "chose": he teached me something, and I thank him for that. In my previous answer I said that I was reconsidering if this was a well-spent time, but till someone will appreciate my work, I'll at least finish this story. Anyway, the theory behind the body swap in this story is related to the new discoveries in physics: (if I'm not wrong...I'm not an expert) they were able to teleport photons. From there, the step to teleport energy and electricity is smaller than the one needed to teleport brain mass, far mor complex than that, and less original.
Date: 06/16/18 05:38 am Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
Don't let the critics get to you, you can learn from them but don't let them stop you. You are doing great, I don't mind a few errors in grammar/spelling because I make errors too, and that can be easily fixed by some help.
To be honest I'm not much into body swap, but you made the mental change so subtle and gradual that's why you got me hooked.
Some people got angry in some chapters, 14-17 i think? Maybe because cheating is a very delicate topic, I myself felt disgusted, but that just means you and your team got us connected to the characters, and you wrote it seamlessly good. Making the latest chapters feel good because there is hope for them.
There's still a lot to learn so don't ignore the critics, but you are already doing great, keep going! :D
Author's Response: You made me smile, thanks! :D I'll never ignore the critics, they help you to improve :)
Date: 06/16/18 12:39 am Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
I want to wait until the story is over before I rate it again, but I am still reading, and I do want to see how it all ends.
I just wanted to say though, please don’t let the criticisms of your writing get you down. You posted that English is not your first language, and honestly you have better grammar than some story’s written by native English speakers.
Author's Response: Thank you Terrigen, I appreciate your comment! :D I give more relevance to polite reviews, like this one, than to aggressive ones. One thing is to say what I'm spelling wrong, so that I can improve myself and my stories, and another one is to make destructive critiques. Anyway, thank you for reading, I want to finish this story! :)
Date: 06/15/18 07:11 pm Title: 21 - Just Ordinary Girl Life
Awwww yay happy again.
She's going to try and get dave back yay c:
Maybe she switches dave into the girl that con Serena into making dave stay her
Author's Response: I'm glad to hear that! :D I personally don't like multiple switches stories, I find them confusing, so I don't think something like that will happen! :)
Date: 06/15/18 10:31 am Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
Your grammar and even spelling is absolutely terrible and completely gets in the way of the enjoyment of actually reading. I find it difficult to continue after the first 3 chapters as your grammar and way of conveying the ideas within the novel make it hard to digest and enjoy. What annoyed me the most probably was in chapter 3 as they switched bodies, and the first thing they do is try and work out the percentage of change from their viewpoints. Why is that the very first thing on their mind? Secondly, it would be a teleportation device, not a teleport machine. mmm, there are too many things that annoy me, too many questions that aren't answered ...
Author's Response: Comments like this one make me wonder why I am spending time writing here. 1. I specified that english is not my primary language BEFORE the story even began, if you're a grammar-n***, why did you read some chapters? 2. I explained in a very detailed way how his machine works. 3. I can't answer to not answered questions.
Date: 06/15/18 09:24 am Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
Sorry I was really hoping here for a lighthearted story, but even if it is not one, the point where she agrees to erase her feelings, that is a completely unrealistic reaction in my opinion. If she would have been forced so, then I would agree... well, until chapter 14 nice story :)
Edit: Updated Rating
Date: 06/14/18 12:51 am Title: 20 - First Day Of Work
Awww I hope she realizes what a cunt she is. To do that to a guy that loves her...... Wish I could punch her
Author's Response: She realized that! :D I guess, since she modified her own feelings, she was not quite herself.
Date: 06/13/18 11:38 pm Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
I was thinking of waiting until the story is over, but I want to give my opinion on the recent developments and Im afraid I might forget to review if I wait.
Ok, so you definitely surprised us, but Im afraid not in the best way. The problem here, I believe, is that the story was presented as a 'Dark, but Silly' story, but then, all of a sudden, it became 'Dark, and Serious'. This is not a bad convination, the problem is that once it became serious, the story compelled us to try to understand and feel about the characters, characters that made an unreasonable amount of really stupid choices. These characters were okay with the original configuration but are not compatible with the change of dynamic.
(Spoilers) And as a side note, I feel the new character was poorly implemented. She appeared from nowhere, was somehow able to figure out everything that was going on, and then manipulate everyone to do her bidding, in a matter of hours. (Spoilers)
Still, the story's not over, I feel like you might still be able to close out something good. And if you feel you can do better, you can always rewrite later on, you are the owner of the story. But keep going, ok? I really appreciate your enthusiasm.
Author's Response: Thank you for sharing your thoughts! :D I'm sorry if I failed in picturing the characters, I'm not a writer after all. It's not easy to fully implement a new character in such a short story. She understood everything because Serena explained most stuff to her, since she's used to talk to her best friend. If she managed to manipulate her, it's because she knows her, Serena was in a moment of weakness, she was too confident of her feelings too, and, before everything else, Veronica used her seducing skills. As for Dave, he didn't have much choice. A good night sleep cleanses most stupid thoughts, so the fact that everything developed in a matter of hours is fundamental. I don't think I'll ever rewrite this story. I have many ideas and really little time to develop them. Online, I wrote another story here, I did a couple 3d rendered comics on deviantart and I tried to program some games too. So, if I manage to find some time, I prefer to develop other story, rather than rewrite one that, after all, pleases me! :)
Date: 06/13/18 07:12 am Title: 17 - Leave Out All The Anger
great writing ,but not into where it went .
Author's Response: Wow, this is the worst rating I've ever received! I'm sorry you didn't like this chapter. The story is not over yet, I wanted to explore how powerful the mental changes could be! ;)
Date: 06/13/18 02:59 am Title: 17 - Leave Out All The Anger
Yikes! If they break up, this is going to be way too depressing of a story.
The story stumbled when Serena (in Dave’s body) agreed to erase all of her feelings for Dave. She agreed way too easily. Why would anyone agree to do that? Especially someone who is a supposed genius now. Maybe she really didn’t love Dave? It’s obvious what Veronica’s plan was. Even if someone was going to do that, due to the possible mistrust of why he is going out with her, she should have confronted him about it first.
A better path would have been Veronica to sneak and erase the feelings Serena had for Dave, behind her back. That would be believable, and establish Veronica as a villain. Instead, the characters are acting like idiots.
The story is science fiction, but was willing to work in the universe. But that plot direction, is way too out of character for everyone, and follows no logic. It happened way too fast, and has no plausible character reason for it to occur.
The story is still salvageable though. You have a great idea, and leading up to the “erase the feelings you have” point, was a 5 star story. But like I said earlier, you still could have gone in this direction, but had the circumstances leading to this happen differently.
Author's Response: Thank you for your comment :) Serena agreed because she was sure of her love for Dave. Even if she now has a genius brain, love can make everyone stupid. Since Veronica doesn't know anything about that field of science, and Serena, knowing her plans, would have never explained everything to her. She doesn't trust her: she didn't even remove her feelings from her brain, to avoid any "backup-erasing". Thank you for appreciating most part of the story 'till now. Anyway, the story is not over yet! ;)
Date: 06/11/18 08:31 pm Title: 14 - Shopping. And, Mostly, Veronica
Now I'm afraid to read what comes next. I was expecting a happy ending. Not quite this...
Author's Response: I'm sorry if you're not liking this! :'( This story may not have the happy ending you were expecting, but I don't think it'll have a "bad ending" in every meaning! :)
Date: 06/11/18 11:37 am Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
World's dumbest smart guy?
Good job. I am enjoying it despite it unfolding in the seemingly most obvious way. I hope you can surprise us!
Also, is everything written already or are you doing it on the go? If the latter, then Im impressed.
Author's Response: I'm glad that you're enjoying it, and I'm sorry if you find my story obvious! I'm not trying to surprise, my goal is to unfold it in the most logical and nice-to-read way :) I'm writing it on the go, like I did with my previous story :D
Date: 06/08/18 08:53 pm Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
Thanks for the response. As far as the weight, just as reference, I'm 5'11" and my ideal weight, according to experts, is around 190 lbs. I have a friend at work who is 6'3" and weights 185 lbs. Though he claims to have a bit of chub on him too, so I can see where you are going with that. To look at my friend though you'd never know so I don't know if it's a self image thing or what, but I know he doesn't have an eating disorder. As I said still a good story. It's just one of those things that kinda caught my eye and made me think.
Author's Response: You're welcome! :D Yes, Dave's not fat, but Serena is surely more slender, and that's one of the things he likes about her body :)
Date: 06/08/18 03:23 am Title: 1 - Prelude: Serena's Problem
I find this to be a fun story to read, but there is no way a 6'1" tall man who weights 175 pounds would consider themselves chubby unless they had an eating disorder. If anything they would be a little under weight. Just wanted to put that out there. Otherwise I really enjoy the story.
Author's Response: Thank you for the comment! :D Dave is not a fat man, he just has more fat than he would like to have. I changed his weight from 175 to 180 pounds, I hope this fixes it! :)