Date: 01/29/18 07:19 am Title: Chapter 4
Lets start with the positive, your character development its good; and the plot is fluid.
however you jump around a lot, it detracts from the story.
Author's Response: Thanks for the thought. I'll definitely keep that in mind when I'm writing the future chapters
Date: 01/28/18 03:29 am Title: Chapter 4
I like the contrast between how El perceives himself and how everyone else perceives him here. It's shocking to see the difference between the two. I'm starting to get the feeling that El might have always been a girl but his mind was tampered with for some reason. Though why his father has no idea (or seems to?) about it, I don't get. XD
Another bit of criticism is for something I still do myself. Tense is really hard to keep consistent as Trismegistus Shandy (a really prolific author on this site) has told me. Most novice writers have a hard time keeping their tense either present or past or whatever. I do the same thing, though mys tory tries to use present tense, but focuses on one character's perceptions per scene. You do it from directly inside the character, which works for sure. but you still switch between past tense words in while your overall tense is present.
"The thought was scary, but now that I'm no longer moving from place to place."
Something to look out for! *smile* I'm glad you appreciate your feedback. I sure wish I was getting more on my story!
Date: 01/27/18 02:30 am Title: Chapter 3
Okay... this one is a little more complicated. I love it overall, but with caveats. Here's some constructive criticism:
1. The way we're bouncing around through the same scene from different perspectives, you may want to consider an omniscient perspective. I'm not expert in this though. XD I don't know if it would make it weaker, but it does simplify things.
2. That cat is way too well adjusted for having just been moved... of course the cat could be used to being moved all over like crazy, but I know mine would probably be a messed up ball of nerves if that was being done to him. Some cats do have different temperaments though!
3. Use of the word Homely. I know you meant homey. You should probably consider changing it to that. The typical definition of homely is ugly as sin. (to exaggerate a little for comic effect!)
If you've stuck around long enough to read this, once again I really do love where you're going with this, it seems really cute. I also think his father having one of those daddy daughter crushes on El at this point is pretty amusing. Keep it up!
Author's Response: Thanks for the criticism. Anything to make my writings more enjoyable helps. I looked up the word homely and it has different contexts. Like the British use it for talking a place or area that is cozy while North Americans use it as a euphemism for a girl who's ugly. Thanks though for pointing it out. Love, Trap-chan
Date: 01/24/18 05:50 am Title: Chapter 2
So I noticed a typo. GMCC should be MGCC right?
Also could add numbers to the stats, add breackets and other things to maybe make them seem a bit different, though in the end it would still remain an arbitrary power system. Good story so far.
Date: 01/23/18 12:31 pm Title: Chapter 1
Three thumbs up... now where is that third thumb (routing around on the floor) ah there it is. This start had me totally enthralled. I hope the story continues to be as Good as the 1st chapter implies. The only issue I had was 10 years in one place? Our longest posting was 5 years. I really envy anyone that got to spend that long in one place growing up. But I digress... great start! Keep up the good work.
Date: 01/22/18 04:18 am Title: Chapter 1
I read this because it looked like it might have an anime vibe to it. The club name seems pretty Anime. XD I look forward to seeing where you go with it, though I guess it's going to be a sex story, or one with sex? I hadn't noticed that until afterwards, checking your tags. I wonder if these girls he's snubbing are going to do things to him in revenge? *laugh*