Reviews For Mouikkai Musume
You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: MrSimple Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 08/18/18 04:19 am Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

First chapter is certainly a hit for me. :D

I liked how you opened up and proceeded with every detail and utility of Madoka's room. I will learn from that. :)

Madoka and Kozuke are a great pair and I am enjoying how they have initially bonded. I hope to see more development in the future chapters, but I won't hype myself up. I like surprises. XD

I have not seen what year this would be taking place yet, but I had a thought about the identification procedures. I understand that they had to treat Madoka immediately, but I also recall that dental impressions could clue in who someone was. Then again, I'm not fully aware of the condition Madoka was found in at the accident. My only related experience was a red world before waking up in the ambulance. Like looking through red saran wrap. Then I went sleepy for awhile, woke up, went to sleep, woke up again, and rinse and repeat for days. XD

The applesauce. o_o Never again will I eat hospital applesauce. Oh God. I couldn't keep it down. -_-

So yeah, the rating for this introduction chapter is an outstanding five. :D

One for having a good story going.

Two for keeping me interested in when Madoka would wake from her nightmare and the moment Kozuke would notice and ease her back into reality.

Three for getting this immersed. I really understood the fearful trauma of Madoka going back to sleep.

Four for feeling the bitter sweet relief that Madoka was willing to acquiesce and give her second chance a shot.

A big five because of the amount of allure this chapter has brought to the front for the reader to seek more answers revolving around Madoka's accident, who the Master is, what will become of Madoka and can she adjust to the new life well or not, and who all will emerge vitally into the picture to walk alongside or in the way of Madoka's path to recovery. :)

I'll read more much later. I promise! Still working on writing. XD

Author's Response: I'm pleased that you took the time to read it, Mr. Simple. :D It's nice to receive any kind of feedback, specifically the kind that is detailed well thought out. I hope you like everything about the book! :D

Reviewer: JumpierLotus Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 04/18/18 06:41 pm Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

Wonderfully written, I was quite disappointed when it had to come to an end :(

By the way, I think the end might have been a bit rushed; I'd have liked to read about the school staff's and the classmates' reactions a bit more: now they seemed a bit too accepting of Madoka's condition. No biggie, still a 6/5 story (damn, there's a limit of 5 stars...).

First I was a bit scared of the setting: hey, it's Japan, I live nowhere near it, its culture is so different with the formalities (I live in a country where we just call each other by first names - even strangers or the president, if I happened to meet him), but you managed to turn that around very well. The doctor was one scary man, but you managed to keep his secret 'til the end, which I greatly appreciate. I was guessing between him just being socially very awkward or maybe doing something immoral.

Thank you for your wonderful story.

Author's Response: There will be more at some point soon! *smile* I'm pleased that you enjoyed the story so much. It was not rushed, I had always intended to do 14 or so chapters, and I felt that the build up to the climax was well paced. I'm happy that I made the culture gap easy to jump. You're very welcome! My goal was to tell a story that was very much like an anime in pacing, which was why my target was around this many chapters. Many anime have 12-13 episode seasons. I went a little over what I had planned, however, with 16 total chapters. I wanted to push my word count into the novel range of 100k words. The next arc is likely to have less of a thriller plot. I hope you enjoy it as well when I write it.

Reviewer: storylovinggamer Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/29/18 03:21 am Title: The Girl Who Started Over

Holy smokes! I didn't know how evil he was! Wow! I figured that he was just getting over past troubles... Great story! You did a amazing job at turning it around from what the audience expected to something completely unexpected and emotionally taxing. I really hated you when you decided to have the maid leave, but now i greatly respect that choice in the story, as not only does it make it feel as if the maid was safer away from that lunatic doctor, but also she got to play a important final role as Madoka's mother. I still can't help but feel that is so sadistic what that doctor did, even if he saw it as a good deed, intentionally killing Madoka's parent's instead of saving them, disposing of her father's corpse, and then using body parts from her mother to make her a woman... Beyond disgraceful the idea. Not to mention his only motive was to save his career! Evil beyond means.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked the conclusion of the story! Thank you for continuing to read it from the very beginning! *smile*

Reviewer: Firebate Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/16/18 02:01 pm Title: The Girl Who Started Over

{Standing ovation} Wow! Great Story! You had me a little worried last chapter with the immoral doctor but you brought it all together so well. I am depressed to see it end... even if for just a while. Your updates have been one of the highlights of my days of late. Bravo!

Author's Response: *blush* Thank you! I'm pleased to know that my story positively impacted your days!!! I do have plans for more after a short hiatus. My job is starting to get a little more serious, so I should have a better idea of the time I can consistently make for writing! Reviews like this make me want to push forward and break my limits! Yoshhhhhh! <3

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/16/18 07:34 am Title: The Girl Who Started Over

Wow, what a chapter. I didn't see any of it coming! I'm so happy for Madoka; you made the ending amazing! Thanks for writing such a good story!

Author's Response: I'm glad that you found the ending to be amazing! <3 Such strong words of praise! Thank you for reading!

Reviewer: Paradox Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/16/18 12:45 am Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

Great so far. Keep on going.

Author's Response: Wow you read it! *grin* Thanks for the great review Paradox!!! <3

Reviewer: Soumahr Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/15/18 02:44 pm Title: The Girl Who Started Over

Whoa! That's a huge chapter. Loved the ending. A great story overall.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm pleased that you liked the ending! <3

Reviewer: Stephe2006 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/12/18 06:11 pm Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

Loving the story so far. This new wrinkle is intriguing. What does the good doctor have in mind?

Author's Response: Thank you for the wonderful comment! He definitely has what he feels is a brilliant plan for proving that Madoka is 100% female!

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/09/18 08:16 am Title: The Trouble With Binary Thinking

Well, um, crap. That ending surprised me more than it should of. Now I'm really worried.

Author's Response: *laugh* I suppose I should take that as a compliment! I'm pleased that it came as a surprise! Thank you for taking the time to review again, Mr5yy!

Reviewer: Terminus Grand Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/02/18 02:54 pm Title: The Girl Who Learned The Truth

So far, I absolutely love this story. It's been very interesting to read so far, and also very easy to follow. I also love the fact that it's updated relatively frequently, so that I don't end up forgetting about it. The main reason I like it is because it's a very different idea than I've seen in other stories. Keep up the good work.

Author's Response: Yay! I'm pleased that you love the story! I try to avoid cliches as much as I can, but it's a fact that people adore them. *laugh* I think my story feels different because of that! thank you very much for detailed and analytical review, Terminus! :) <3

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/02/18 09:09 am Title: The Girl Who Learned The Truth

Noooo. That's so sad.... Amazing chapter thought! Can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Thank you, Mr5yy!!! Thanks for taking the time to review it! I'm glad that you liked it! <3

Reviewer: Lailaluvs00 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/02/18 03:36 am Title: The Girl Who Learned The Truth

Poor Madoka!

Author's Response: Yesh. ;_;

Reviewer: Lailaluvs00 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/24/18 10:57 pm Title: The Calm Before A Storm

Very sweet, and clouds on the hoizon!

Author's Response: Yes! I'm pleased that you approve! *smiles* Thank you for taking the time to review! <3

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/17/18 06:15 am Title: The Courage To Experience New Things

Pretty good chapter. You've developed the characters quite well so far, though a bit more back story might not hurt. Do you plan on continuing with Midoriyama the maid? You had a couple of pieces here and there and they were quite interseting.

Author's Response: Midoriyama's story is far from over. ~_^ I'm thinking about doing an update on her relatively soon. Trust me when I say that she remains an important character going forward. I hope you will look forward to seeing how that comes to be! Also, Master Yoshi is intentionally somewhat mysterious for the moment. I want you to wonder about his relationship with Madoka! If I'm doing that, then I'll consider that mission completed. *teasing grins*

Reviewer: Silver Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/16/18 06:44 pm Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

The story is pretty sweet, the protagonist facing her struggles and coming out in a honorable way without explicitly mentioning them I something I envy your skill of.
The characters have a personality, you can relate or even dislike, even the stereotypical 'master' makes for a nice contraposition to the fatherly figure of Kozuke.

Take this with a grain of salt since I'm a terrible amateur writer: If i have to give a criticism, it's that some of your characters lacks a motivation. Aoi, Kozuke and Kanna are all well characterized, even the master's ego can be a sufficient justification; even if, if I have to be picky, his motives do a bit obscure given the complexity of his decisions, I assume for writing's freedom sake. Midoriyama however feels a bit out of place. You gave her ample space in terms of interaction yet it seems she was just present as a motherly figure who could not fulfill its role, I'm probably speaking a bit early, compared to the story development, but just having her work for Saito does not bring enough closure. It feels as if she was a NPC ( if you can forgive me the RPG loan word ) that for some reason got characterized much more than the others, even if you do not ascribe to the checkov's gun principle, my personal sensation is that she lacks something, some emotional connection that she could only bring to Madoka and she never had a chance to.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review, Silver!!! Midoriyamas story is far from over! Maybe I will give an update on her soon so that everyone can see how she is doing! Thank you very much for reading!

Reviewer: Rain1a Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/13/18 07:54 pm Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

At first when I started this I didn't expect to connect with any of the characters. Then suddenly I've read the whole thing and practically couldn't stop. I demand more :D.

Author's Response: *hugs* Yay! <3 Thanks for posting your feelings, Rain!

Reviewer: Lailaluvs00 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/10/18 04:19 pm Title: The Depth of Their Feelings

Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you Laila!!! <3 Waking up to a new review is the best! *psyched*

Reviewer: Soumahr Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/10/18 04:31 am Title: The Depth of Their Feelings

The anime vibe makes it more likable. Excited to read the next chapter.

Author's Response: I'm pleased that you like it! *grin* I strive for that vibe! *wink* Thank you so much for the review!

Reviewer: BreeAnne Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/03/18 09:32 pm Title: The Value Of A Good Time Part II

How about the girls singing.

Author's Response: They did! XD Did you mean that you liked their singing?

Reviewer: Shadow Dragon Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/03/18 04:32 am Title: The Value Of A Good Time Part II

Oh noes! The foreshadowing!

Author's Response: Yup! Good foreshadowing? XD

Reviewer: BreeAnne Signed starstarstar Report
Date: 02/03/18 02:37 am Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

Interesting writing style, a bit dark for a start; we'll see how it plays out thou. Good Start

Author's Response: Why thank you! *smile* I appreciate that you find my writing style interesting. I believe in hitting a broad spectrum of emotional registers. A story that makes your heart ache for a character means emotional investment. It is a little dark, but these sorts of moments in our lives are pretty dark. I hope that you will find enough heartwarming and soft moments to counterbalance the dark parts. ~_^ Thank you for taking the time! I want to see more reviews even if it means fewer stars. That gives me a true feel for what people think of my writing. If you find that you like the story, please take the time to let me know, and if you hate it, do please share!

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 02/02/18 07:53 am Title: The Value Of A Good Time Part II

Nice chapter. Gave us a good impression of what Madoka’s life will hopefully be. I'm quite impressed by the song choices. Some of my favorite songs from animes are there so it was awesome to read. Not really a slog to read, more like a slice of life. ;)

Author's Response: I'm super pleased that you felt that way about it Mr5yy! I hoped that the song choices would come over well! I think they were fairly accurate to the characters and their feelings of the moment. I was really happy at how well the lyrics worked for those moments too! *grin* Thank you once again for your review! The moment I see the update in my mailbox, I smile not even knowing the contents of the review. It's the best thing to wake up to next morning! <3

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/28/18 04:25 pm Title: The Value Of A Good Time

The stories progressed well so far. You've got a small amount of background for most characters and the story seems to be doing good. Good job!

Author's Response: Yaaay!! Thank you!!! You don't even know how much this review means to me! *hugs* Thank you so much! I feel more energized again <3 Please everyone keep the reviews coming. I truly do appreciate them from the bottom of my heart!

Reviewer: Shadow Dragon Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/22/18 05:18 am Title: The Burden Of His Suspicions

Sad, but cute!

Author's Response: The last chapter did end on a somewhat sad note *smile* I'm glad it's still cute. I hope it's also interesting. *smile*

Reviewer: Shadow Dragon Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/16/18 05:08 am Title: The Onus Of His Duties

Mew. Nuuuu, the paintball assassin! JK, this is such a cute story! Please keep it up!

Author's Response: I forgot to respond to this. *laugh* Let's see... the paintball assassin suggestion you made was adorable, and I thought about working the angle of the Maid Cafe having personalities ala the Blend S anime with someone sadistically opening fire on people with a paintball gun... but I just couldn't justify that to myself. XD *hugs* Thanks for the encouragement!

Reviewer: Saklad Signed Report
Date: 01/11/18 01:36 pm Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

I meant that Yoshi could have checked before embarking on massive reconstructive surgery, among other things.

Author's Response: *grin* There were various circumstances at the time that led to this result. Plus the guy loves his cutting edge techniques. A genius like him wouldn't choose to be forced into retirement, ne?

Reviewer: Saklad Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/11/18 05:14 am Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

I'm quite impressed with the accuracy of the medical apparatuses. Do you work with such equipment professionally?

Oh, and is there a reason genetic analysis couldn't be used to identify Madoka's sex? I'm no expert, but surely it shouldn't be too hard for someone doing this much to analyze the chromosome.

Author's Response: As a matter of fact yes, that is probably her one weakness. Everything else is pretty airtight, but nano chromosome surgery isn't possible in my Sci-Fi. *grin* I suppose if someone were to become curious they COULD check it, couldn't they? ~_^ Also, no I don't. My excellent friend and editor Trismegistus Shandy informed me of some of it. The rest I know from hospital stays. I've been in hospitals a bit too often for someone who doesn't work in one! haha Thank you for your review, Saklad!

Reviewer: storylovinggamer Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/09/18 04:17 pm Title: The Weight of Her Convictions

My god. NO YOU ARE NOT! I want Midoriyama back! This is soooo heartbreaking! I'm so tempted to boycott your stories! Rofl! Yoshi, as i have lost his respect for him now as a master, needs to man up and try and be a more fatherly figure!

Author's Response: He tries but he simply does not know how. *smile* It's a common cultural issue in Japan. It's not at all like anime... people tend to keep to themselves, and reaching out to others can be awkward. Especially for those who genuinely have issues with it, as viewed by those in the culture. I choose to put a more anime spin on relationships, making people more open and emotional than perhaps they otherwise would be, but that sort of problem is exactly what Yoshi faces. I'm very pleased that Midoriyama has become such a likeable character! Thank you for reading! I'm grateful for your continued reading, storylovinggamer! I hope you do not boycott me. That would be troubling!!! ^-^ I have a cover for the novel in the works. I hope that you and other readers (the term fan might be a little presumptuous!) like it when it is ready and published!

Reviewer: Stephe2006 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/09/18 07:06 am Title: The Weight of Her Convictions

You were right, definitely a little emotional at the end. Western cafe could also be a 50’s diner type of thing. Think Happy Days or Grease. A old west theme would be cool though, love those button up boots and fishnets for the saloon girls.

Author's Response: That sounds like fun too! *laugh* I think both ideas would be suggested by the class. I can see the characters messing the idea up and wearing roller skates like carhops at a drivethru. *laugh* I think I will have various characters suggest all the things that everyone are suggesting so that the ideas all exist in some fashion in the story, no matter which one is selected. A western cafe feels kind of appropriate too because Japanese people are fascinated by the old west too. *grin* Some are, anyhow! Thanks for the review and the suggestion!

Reviewer: Gabi Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/08/18 11:57 pm Title: The Weight of Her Convictions

for the festival can you try a haunted house(classroom) or a western cafe

Author's Response: A western cafe? Cowgirls, ladies in dresses, indian maidens? *grin* That sounds adorable if so. Thank you for leaving a suggestion!

Reviewer: Shadow Dragon Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/03/18 06:50 pm Title: The Day She Made Friends

I hereby suggest a paintball game, where the students are playing to the last person standing, and those visiting the festival can place wagers on the students!

Author's Response: This idea I love because it has a lot of potential for fun and mischief. My biggest concern with it, however, is that should she participate, Madoka will either end up being ignored entirely if her classmates are kind about it, or will possibly end up being the target of most at the outset and she would end up covered in paint. *laugh* I think the best course of action would be to keep her out of it.

Author's Response: This idea I love because it has a lot of potential for fun and mischief. My biggest concern with it, however, is that should she participate, Madoka will either end up being ignored entirely if her classmates are kind about it, or will possibly end up being the target of most at the outset and she would end up covered in paint. *laugh* I think the best course of action would be to keep her out of it.

Author's Response: This idea I love because it has a lot of potential for fun and mischief. My biggest concern with it, however, is that should she participate, Madoka will either end up being ignored entirely if her classmates are kind about it, or will possibly end up being the target of most at the outset and she would end up covered in paint. *laugh* I think the best course of action would be to keep her out of it.

Reviewer: TmC Signed Report
Date: 01/03/18 06:47 pm Title: The Day She Made Friends

You have to go with the classic maid Cafe. But then again maybe they could split the stall into two. One side maids the other side butlers.

(i just really want to see how She reacts to being forced into a maid uniform.)

Author's Response: *smile* this was my main idea. I figured, though, that it would be worth it to make it an interactive thing and collect ideas from readers. I will keep this idea firmly in mind, and should I select it, I'll see if I'm able to make it as moe as possible. XD I'm uncertain about how soon I want the festival to take place chapter-wise. The more I write the more I think my original concept of a 14 chapter novel might be hard to achieve. I'm still not certain, but there is a possibility that it might go beyond that so I can be certain that the story is told the way I want it to be. Thanks for reading!

Author's Response: *smile* this was my main idea. I figured, though, that it would be worth it to make it an interactive thing and collect ideas from readers. I will keep this idea firmly in mind, and should I select it, I'll see if I'm able to make it as moe as possible. XD I'm uncertain about how soon I want the festival to take place chapter-wise. The more I write the more I think my original concept of a 14 chapter novel might be hard to achieve. I'm still not certain, but there is a possibility that it might go beyond that so I can be certain that the story is told the way I want it to be. Thanks for reading!

Reviewer: Shadow Dragon Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/02/18 07:50 pm Title: The Things That Matter

I love this story and am already anticipating the next chapter! Wonderful work!

Author's Response: Thank you! It's coming pretty soon! I'm about halfway through it now.

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed Report
Date: 01/01/18 08:11 am Title: The Things That Matter

I like the extra info your putting at the end; it’s nice a little explanation about things. Nice chapter altogether, though I can’t wait for the first school day.

Author's Response: Thank you! I couldn't think of anything else practical to do with the space. Since I can't have a glossary at the end of the novel (well I suppose that I can if I make an effort to keep it at the bottom of the list of chapters). But why not use the space that's there. It might not make for a prettier book in the end, but when the Novel is finished, I suppose I can go over it and make sure that it reads better in epub format. XD

Reviewer: Lailaluvs00 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/31/17 06:52 pm Title: The Boy Who Struggled

Ok you've established some very interesting characters and I look forward to seeing how they interact let's get on with the show!

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I am working on Chapter 4 as we speak. I cannot say how long it will be until I release it. I am trying to maintain present tense in this one from the beginning and doing that is slowing me down just a little bit. XD Honestly I like how past tense flows a little better, but the strength of present tense does seem to make certain stories more dynamic! Please look forward to "The Things That Matter" and I hope you like it as much when it is released.

Reviewer: Lailaluvs00 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/31/17 06:52 pm Title: The Boy Who Struggled

Ok you've established some very interesting characters and I look forward to seeing how they interact let's get on with the show!

Author's Response: I somehow didn't notice this comment! Thank you! It's a bit late, but I hope they're still interesting many chapters later!

Reviewer: Trismegistus Shandy Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/30/17 09:15 pm Title: The Girl Who Was Not A Girl

I like what I see so far. Kozuke's characterization as he tenderly cares for
Madoka is sweet and affecting, and the flashbacks to the car wreck and the
moments before it are also pretty effective. The other characters are somewhat
interesting, but not as much so as Kozuke and Madoka; Midoriyama seems
a bit of a stereotype, but that may only be because we haven't seen much of
her yet.

I've sent you detailed copyedits in an email.

Author's Response: Thank you! I appreciate the assistance, Tris! And the review!

Reviewer: storylovinggamer Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/30/17 06:01 am Title: The Boy Who Struggled

love it so far! I really can't wait for more! I added you as my favorite author and this as my favorite story! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

Author's Response: I'm pleased that you like it so much! I think you are the first person to make me a favorite author on this site. I am very happy that you did! ^_^ I have started work on Chapter 4, though it will likely not be released for several days yet due to the anime convention I am attending (WEEEEB OTAKU XD). Depending on whether I attend every day or just go for specific events, in any case. Day one wiped me out far more than I had expected! Please look forward to the next chapter: The Things that Matter.

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/29/17 10:33 am Title: The Boy Who Struggled

Ok, cute chapter. I honestly wasn't expecting another to be put so fast, but man, that was adorable. It began quite dark, which I think, along with some other spots throughout, made the chapter continue to grab your attention.

I'm going to, probably, put a review on each chapter you bring out. Unlike others, I won't talk about spelling errors, grammar, etc. but the focus and feel the chapter brings, unless an error is so big that you just can't miss it.

All together, the chapter brings a good balance of providing an amount of background while continuing the story's progression.

Author's Response: I appreciate that! Thank you! I'm looking forward to seeing your reviews! I'm glad that you found this chapter to be cute. As for grammar, I really do need an editor probably. *laugh* I hope I never publish a chapter that has a glaring continuity error in it. I wouldn't mind rewriting it but it would be pretty embarrassing!

Reviewer: TmC Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/29/17 05:18 am Title: The Boy Who Struggled

This story makes me smile.
Thanks so much for sharing. (I'm a huge weeb so I love it even more)

Author's Response: High compliments from a fellow weeb! I'm happy that you like it so well! With all the lovely input i'm getting I'm sure to be supercharged for further chapters! Who knows, in anime terms, maybe a second season? I shouldn't get ahead of myself though. *grin*

Reviewer: Susy Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/29/17 04:52 am Title: The Boy Who Struggled

Okay, first of all I'm loving this story and I can't wait for more to come. Let me put that up first as my reviews tend to look as if I hated the work. The story is great, reminds me of a manga in which a boy gets his brain transplanted into the body of a beautiful lady by a eccentric doctor (something something Alice. I can't remember the name correctly.), so since you're going with an Japanese-esk style I'd say you're doing it great.

There is a mayor issue with your writing. A huge one. It seems that you are relying a lot on the anime style your going for, and while it is great you are forgetting how different a visual medium is from a written text. Your story while great, has a lot of telling and not much of showing. You get what I mean? "She looks concerned" "you are the prettiest" etc. The list goes on. While the story is great as it is now, if you decided to work on the descripting aspect of it, it'll work wonders in your favor. Body language, feelings, thoughts, the list goes on and on. Currently your story has a lot of straight forward lines, engulf us in your story, in the characters, don't worry about taking more time but please, express the characters with richer explanations and descriptions.

Lastly, the aspect that bugs me the most! Don't have two characters talk in the same paragraph! Bwaa! It's a rookie mistake to do this, and one of the most common ones I see around here. Start a new paragraph for each time a different character speaks. The pilling up of dialogues is confusing and to some degree annoying.

I don't have much to say about this story. There are some grammar issues but aside from that the story is good. It needs a bit of tweaking for it to be great. Keep up the good work! And if you would like to keep in contact or talk to other writers that could help you, let me know if you want to join the discord server. :3

Author's Response: Sure that sounds good to me. I appreciate the constructive criticism! I probably could use an editor to help with the fine details of getting all the grammar perfect. I try to go over my work after the fact and correct when I can and flesh out what seems shallow, but I don't catch everything well immediately after writing. I'd be highly interested to discuss these suggestions with you or others. The more polished and engaging my writing, the better! Please do contact me. I have some time tonight, though I'll be in and out over the next 3 to 4 days due to the convention I'm attending! My Discord is Lily Starlight#4070

Reviewer: Lilchelly Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/28/17 07:42 am Title: The Man Who Hid Himself Away

This story has a lot of potential. I haven't read a story like this in a while.

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I am highly flattered and motivated because of this response! <3

Reviewer: Mr5yy Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/28/17 07:02 am Title: The Man Who Hid Himself Away

Ok. I'm not on the weeb level you are, but this story is so far awesome. I love the anime aspects and it just blends well into the story. I do have a random question though. Are you planning on making the MC go to school in the wheel chair for a little while or something else?

Author's Response: I don't want to spoil anything yet, but given the reality of Madoka's physical condition, I want to say yes. I do love a good anime and I want to bring many animeisms to this story, but a certain amount of realism is important sometimes I feel. Not to mention that it might create a certain dynamic and become almost symbolic. We'll see how things go. I'm a huge fan of organic linear writing. Thank you for the high complements, and the time taken to leave them! I'm feeling supercharged from all of the feedback I have received in just 24 hours.

Reviewer: Rebecca Scarlet Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 12/28/17 04:36 am Title: The Man Who Hid Himself Away

I love it so far! Can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Thank you! That is very encouraging!

You must login (register) to review.
TG Storytime uses the eFiction engine and Vanilla discussions. Design by J6P.