Date: 03/06/18 08:49 pm Title: Epilogue
I enjoyed this a lot; it's quite good for a first story, and I look forward to seeing what you do in the future. You need to work on your pacing, using tense consistently, and punctuation, but the characterization and the portrayal of someone suffering from trauma and depression are very good. I'd be happy to copyedit your future efforts; contact me via this site if you want.
Date: 11/29/17 05:22 am Title: Epilogue
Ima miss this story. But I sooooooo love the happy ending. Ima miss her. And I have family all around Canada. Mostly in Montreal. Can't wait for more stories from you
Author's Response: I'm sorry! But I would rather end it than drag it out. I ran out of ideas for it, mainly because I tossed everything into it so quickly, so it only seemed proper to end it. Thank you very much for ready all the way though and for all of your support throughout! Hopefully you will enjoy my next story just as much!
Date: 11/27/17 10:59 am Title: Epilogue
Your doing fine, go a few more years into the future and add some kids. And do some where are they now stuff.
Author's Response: I think I am done done with this one. Don't really have any current plans to continue it in another story or anything. Thank you very much for reading!
Date: 11/27/17 06:42 am Title: Chapter 1
There's the happy ending! I'm a bit surprised about how your story came about, but I enjoyed it none the less. Do you plan on writing more in the future?
Author's Response: Yes I do! I am currently trying to think of the next story. Not entirely sure what theme I want to go with yet though. Was thinking maybe something magical/fantasy but dunno. Thank you for reading this story to the end! I super appreciate it!
Date: 11/10/17 02:15 am Title: Chapter 14
Absolutely love it c:
I was actually going to message you and complain that I have missed her and her adorableness. Can't wait for more
Author's Response: Haha I am sorry! Been slipping is all really. And games and such. Glad you love it though!
Date: 10/17/17 07:53 pm Title: Chapter 13
Write the story you want to write but I'm not sure I can cope with the perpetual self - loathing and angst, bluntly it reminds me too much of myself and makes me very uncomfortable, usually I avoid stories like this, the whiny protagonist makes me want to scream but iI find that I do care about Alice, I keep hoping that the therapy starts to work or she gets a grip somehow on her black moods, not realist I know but the real world is bleak and depressing, I've no real desire to suffer that level of bleakness in my fictional worlds. Good luck with this story, I shall follow it for a while further.
Author's Response: I apologize that the story has affected you like that. Thank you very much for reading this far and giving it a chance for a little bit more. Without giving too much away, I will say that it will start to cheer up so I hope that you enjoy the next chapters more than the latest ones.
Date: 10/17/17 01:31 am Title: Chapter 13
No the kiss wasn't rushed. The relationship clarified very quickly, but the kiss was, if anything, about half the chapter late. :) At least that's what I thought when I realized where you were going with the friendship. Got Ian and Graham mixed up a few times though at the kiss scene, or did I miss/forget something.
Author's Response: Yea I definitely did get them mixed up. I am not sure why I get them mixed up either but that's the last time I read it over at night... though prob not. Thanks for pointing out that the errors were still there, hopefully I got them all this time.
Date: 10/16/17 01:42 pm Title: Chapter 13
:o Love it!!!!
This is the 1st story that iv read where the tg goes for a girl. Well there's one other and it was great to. Absolutely can't wait for more. Love love love love it :3
She's so fucking adorable c:
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I didn't actually plan for it originally but after reading some comments I decided to change the direction I had in mind so I am happy that you like it!
Date: 10/16/17 05:36 am Title: Chapter 13
Before Jen and Aiden's introduction, I was really close to giving up on this story. Alice's depression was getting to be a bit much for me to handle, but you've reeled me back in... with this chapter especially!
Author's Response: I am glad you are enjoying the latest chapters! Thank you very much!
Date: 10/16/17 05:08 am Title: Chapter 13
Great chapter, but there is a name mix up at the end. During the kiss she mentions not having romantic feelings for Ian. It should be Graham.
Unless the story is about to go into a way weird direction. ;)
Author's Response: Whoopsie doodle. I am surprised I didn't catch it in my proofreading of the chapter, it isn't the first time I have mixed the names haha. Thanks for pointing it out and I updated the chapter to fix it.
Date: 10/07/17 05:40 am Title: Chapter 8
I wish the rape would have been going though. The story is marked as Non-Consentual Sex, but where is it? It obviously was no rape at all. I honestly love this story and I just found to it. I wish though the story would have been darker... way darker. When I read all the reviews and comments I literally wanted to scream, because I just knew what kind of comments would be on here... if there is one dark story out of 100, all the morons come out of there holes and be like "bad story", "too dark, bad", "oh no, please, please make her happy, I hope she finds happiness", "oh no, this damn rapist, hope he dies" blah blah blah blah... dammit. If it's marked Non-Consentual Sex, maybe they souldnt read it then in the first place!? I hate it so much, that all those fluff morons always try to manipulate authors, who have the guts to write something more logical, plausible and dark... into the typical usual boring fluff romance story, which are TONS on here and all the other sties on the web... TONS. And if there is ONE good, dark story out of 100, what do they do? Give it a bad review or force the author into having it a happy ending...
Author's Response: Admittedly, I quite love dark stories. I never really had any intention of making this one dark. While I know the scene in question has no sex in it, I figured adding the might be best to be sure that I have the right warning. I didn't wan't people to be blindsided so I added that tag when I released that chapter, it wasn't there from the start. I apologize that you feel this way and I will keep it in mind for the future if I write another story. I do want my writing to get better though I am unsure if it has but writing a darker story could be in the future. Thank you so much for the feedback!
Date: 10/07/17 01:39 am Title: Chapter 12
I thought this was a great chapter. However, if you are getting tired of the story, try and wrap things up and move on to another story. I would rather it end than be abandoned.
Plus that way if you want to revisit the characters you can always write a sequel, or have them show up in another story.
Date: 10/06/17 11:50 pm Title: Chapter 12
Sometimes a good conclusion is better than just dragging a story to death
if that's how you're starting to feel about it.
It would be nice to know the significance of the dreams though,
if there is any.
Alice does seem tormented with self-loathing.
It would be good to see her get a breakthrough-
maybe Aiden or one of his friends could help her see how fortunate she is in the eyes
of certain other people.
Many TG people (as well as many others,of course) are suicidal for compound reasons-
someone who is just a bit older than her could help her come out of her shell
somewhat and begin to see how many people there are who really do care about her-
they just aren't consistent or perfect about it...
who is ever perfect or even consistent in this consistently imperfect world in which we dwell?
Date: 09/25/17 08:45 pm Title: Chapter 1
Nice new part to this. But one thing i don't like is her brother. Brothers and sisters should stand up for each other and it seems like her brother isn't in this part. And kissing one boybdoesnt make her a slut. So the other girls have no right to call her that in my eyes. And other girls on the cheerleading team shouldn't be doing that as well. But vary good and I hope to see the next part soon.
Thank you for work.
Date: 09/20/17 11:06 pm Title: Chapter 10
I hope she finds a way. And being active is a very good stress reliever and cheerleading. Things that keep you phycially occupied help. It helps me in my depressive states a lot. I'll work out. Play video games. Work on a vehicle of mine. Draw. Read.
Hope she comes back stronger from this. Maybe stays in cheer. would help but oh well great chapter. Can't wait to see his reaction. Can't wait for a new chapter
Date: 09/20/17 07:48 pm Title: Chapter 1
Off to a great start, and i intend to continue! Very good job describing Jackson's new form, and you have some great character dynamics set up! I look forward to the rest, I'm sure you'll do great! One small piece of advise, not really related to the quality of your writing, but if you put 2 return spaces between paragraphs, it helps break it up when you upload.
Date: 09/12/17 07:59 pm Title: Chapter 9
In my case depression therapy is similar to what you described, but there's other things as well... The therapist gives you the details on medication and what causes depression, and sees how you are doing and recommends things that might help. Very close to having a good friend. Also therapists mostly cannot prescribe medicine, so you have to go to another therapist that specializes in that, and then have two or three sessions to determine if you need medication (there are follow ups), and then describe the side effects, what you should do if you start feeling different, and mine started on medication slowly before allowing full doses to allow time to adjust and to watch for side effects. (Btw, the doctor's that can prescribe medicine are psychiatrists, and the psychologists cannot) ... Also amazing chapter! Keep up the awesome work!
Date: 09/12/17 01:53 am Title: Chapter 9
This breaks my heart. She's sad. This sucks (not the chapter just in general) I hate those types of people so much
Great chapter though. I really hope she gets threw it and can liven up again and be her cute shy adorable self again. But in time. Things like this never go away fast
Date: 09/11/17 05:25 am Title: Chapter 1
Therapy sessions are generally a place for the patient to talk. It might take the therapist a bit asking some questions to get to a subject.
Author's Response: Ahh, thank you very much. This will probably be the only session I will actually write out for this story so I will keep that in mind for the future.
Date: 08/13/17 04:01 am Title: Chapter 5
Me and my sis are in or mid 20s I I'm 2 years older and we can't stand each other for longer then a day she's tries to act like the bigger brother and fight but Yea normally we can have normal days. That's just the brother/sister shit. But amazing chapter hope she does become a cheerleader. Become totally different then what she was as a guy. Can't wait for more
Date: 08/11/17 09:44 pm Title: Chapter 5
This chapter is a great one! This didn't feel too rushed in the storyline, although it could still use just a little bit slower pacing, and heck no this wasn't too early to resolve a feud! Provided that more conflicts are coming later on in the story. Wonderful work, as always!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am glad I am getting better with the pacing and I really appreciate your feedback!
Date: 08/11/17 08:53 pm Title: Chapter 5
Another wonderful chapter! I think it was a good idea to quash the sibling feud now. Alice can hopefully begin to experience some normalcy at school, maybe we might even see more of Alice on the football field after school with Miss White and the girls! ;)
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am actually still a bit iffy on the cheerleading as I feel it might be a bit too cliche but at the same time I kind of want to do it anyways haha
Date: 07/31/17 09:32 pm Title: Chapter 3
I'm enjoying the story thus far, though I have to wonder why Alice wasn't offered counselling after her change (especially since the government just "gave" them money for her new clothes). Also, I realize that it helps build conflict in the story, but I'm surprised that she wasn't offered the chance to change schools (assuming there are other ones nearby).
Author's Response: I never actually thought of the counseling to be honest. A choice to transfer schools had crossed my mind but I didn't do anything for it. I don't really plan ahead, which is probably a bad way to write haha. I am glad you are enjoying the story!
Date: 07/31/17 06:53 am Title: Chapter 1
This story is really cute! I love the relationship dynamics that you've constructed, and your dialogue writing really brings the characters to life.
I have three somewhat minor points of feedback:
1. Your character descriptions are pretty good, but the setting and such could use more descriptions. For instance: When Alice went out for supper, we didn't get much description for the location, which makes it a bit harder to visualize. That's just one example. The same goes for all of the other locations in the story. Give them some love! (Also, putting more attention into place descriptors would take care of the 'pace' criticism that some have given. Pace is really more of a symptom of other factors)
2. While your spelling, word-choice, and grammar are solid, your punctuation could be improved. Specifically, comma usage (or lack thereof). Generally speaking, you want to put commas wherever there'd be a big pause if you read the sentence out-loud. Also, your punctuation around dialogue sequences could be better. Luckily, these are very solvable problems! There are some really helpful punctuation guides out there!
3. Tense! Is your story in past or present tense? I know it's primarily in past tense, but you find yourself wandering into present tense quite often. This is another easily fixable issue, just by combing through during the editing process. I understanding that some of the inner monologue is present tense, and that's fine. Just be consistent: if it's not inner monologue, it should be past tense.
(Tiny 4th note: use more paragraph double-line breaks! It helps make the story more visually pleasing)
All that said, I'm really liking your story! I can't wait to see Alice bounce back and seize the day. Keep up the great work!
Date: 07/31/17 12:25 am Title: Chapter 3
This is quite the fast-paced story. At times it is a little hard to follow because of this. But that aside, I think that this story has a LOT of great potential! Just a little TLC is all it needs! ;)
Author's Response: I am going to try and slow it down in the next chapter. Going to re-read some chapters of other stories (including The Fox's Path, I love it) to get an idea of how to do just that. Hopefully I can learn to do it! Thank you so much!
Date: 07/30/17 02:13 am Title: Chapter 2
This chapter felt a little rushed, as far as the pacing is concerned. Also, I noticed that the scene where Alice is looking in the mirror, she sees her earrings, but that happened before she got her ears pierced. Also, I was wondering why she felt the need to try and escape the hospital.
Make no mistake, I am LOVING the story so far and cannot wait to read the next chapter!
Author's Response: Yep you are right, edited, Was reading through the chapter and wanted to add a bit more but totally didn't pay attention. Thank you for pointing it out. As for the first chapter, yea, pacing I believe is also an issue for me that I need to work on.
Date: 07/29/17 05:20 pm Title: Chapter 1
This is a great first chapter! One suggestion though. Maybe be a little more descriptive of your main character, as well as Ian. Make no mistake, I am hooked!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I have always struggled with descriptions. I have a few more chapters done but now I am contemplating rewriting them.