Date: 02/20/18 10:12 pm Title: Arrival in the Amazon villages
I agree with Marina, more than grammar the layout your the biggest problem when it comes to communication.
Break apart dialogues, don't put on the same line multiple characters speaking, it just looks confusing.
Avoid repeating over and over 'x said', it feels dull and pointless. Let your narrative naturally bounce back and forth the discourse between individuals. The context often hints sufficiently who's the active speaker and it's only sparingly required to add an explicit mention of a character, when it's not clear from the sentence or the order.
Punctuation. You need to consider punctuation when forming a sentence. Let's take for example your own story description:
'Kim Possible's Father Dr James Possible is researching a new formula for genetic DNA he can now change men into women and the same way back but there is lot evil people out there in America and the Amazon jungle in the race known as Amazon women his daughter Kim Possible work for Global Justice Network with her friend Ron Stoppable what happen if Kim Possible became evil like her enemy Drakken and Shego'
Try to read that aloud, are you running out of breath? If the answer is no, it's because you took pauses. A brain requires pauses to absorb the content just like lungs need air to speak. A comma helps dividing concepts, avoiding the part of sentence to spill over the next. A well placed punctuation mark can help emphasizing a word, a concept, something that normally would be glided over while reading.
Your more recent chapters looks comparatively better to the pure anarchy of the first ones, but are still rather distant from what a book should look like.
If you managed to get that proofreader I would recommend to try to submit them few small writing exercises to receive feedback from. While an exercise will prove to be boring, compared to total freedom of choice, the short length and definite scope will allow better feedback.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review as I am still looking for one as they want full control of my work
Date: 12/07/17 11:45 pm Title: Arrival in the Amazon villages
I am able to follow your story, but IMHO, it is not so much the Grammar but style formatting. You are writing it as if it is a Stage play or Movie script----Perhaps your style is compatible with those. Look up and read about Screenplays and follow THAT format. Then you will not need those elaborate descriptions and many other literary elements, that your readers are MISSING in your writing--and complaining about "Grammar"-------READ BOOKS on SCREENPLAYS and follow those formats---Make your stories screenplays and invent your OWN Characters (don't use other people's Copyrighted work) You can't sell it. Why put work in a project you cant sell or make money from? You don't HAVE to sell it, but why not make a REAL Salable work to begin with---The reward is greater
Date: 07/23/17 07:27 am Title: Amazon Middleton and the New agents
I think I've said it before in another story, but the grammar is horrendous. I understand that it's due to a disability but there are parts of the story where I am completely lost. I suggest rereading a chapter and clearing parts of your story of unreadable text.
The story is okay but the execution is terrible.
Author's Response: thank you for your review will have a proof reader soon