Date: 06/16/17 12:48 am Title: Sammie
I just remembered something:
Chapter 20 of "Hell Girl"; Is called "hell girl VS hell boy":
a parents kill their son; The child rises, and kills all his family.
So far, it's the same as your story. Now let's continue:
The boy realizes his new powers and becomes a television magician like "Criss Angel". He then discovers the existence of the "Hell Girl", and decides to challenge her.
Hell girl hell boy
Also, I leave the link, the most moving chapter (I recommend you, see only the end, to listen, an interesting story)
Jigoku Shoujo ep08
Hell Girl - Episode 13
Date: 06/12/17 02:41 am Title: Sammie
For some reason, I like stories of revenge.
This story reminds me of the anime named "Jigoku Shoujo (Hell Girl)": many centuries ago. A village in Japan, sacrifices girls 7 years, for the prosperity of the harvest. A boy called "Sentaro". Save your cousin named "Ai", hiding it. But it is discovered and sacrificed. But she was alive when she was buried. Ai she vowed revenge. With the help of a demon Ai destroyed the village. Sentaro, I build a temple, above the ruins. And since then "Ai Ema", grants the revenges of the others. When desire is full of rancor.
Author's Response: I haven't heard of that anime, but it does sound very similar to mine. However, Sammie isn't a demon and does things like this just because she can.
Date: 06/10/17 05:56 pm Title: Sammie
You have a well-constructed plot here. The parents are so evil they could be caricatures, but I think you've avoided that by giving them some motivation and character development. The tone and style are inconsistent, but I'm not sure how much of that is intentional. Some of the jarring shifts in tone are effective in creating shock and horror, others perhaps less so. Overall, it makes me want to read more of your stories, which is the sign of a good story.
In the TGS Discord chat room you posted a copy of the creepypasta you based this story on. Even if you don't know who wrote the original creepypasta, you should give credit to the original story and perhaps a link to it in the story notes.
Date: 06/10/17 11:10 am Title: Sammie
My friend, the plot is good, the story is excellent, but the story isn't shown. I felt no sense of righteous justice in Sammie killing Tyler/Leah's parents, because they weren't really characters at all, they were barely even there. I felt not attachment to Tyler or Leah because knowing they were happy kids and their parents were dicks was not enough.
The story is great, as I said, but it needs more. It needs to be fleshed out, we need to see those years of these parents seeing Tyler's accomplishments but resenting him for his physical appearance. We need emotional attachment to Tyler, and we need real hate for his parents, more so than just "They didn't like him".
We know only the bad about these parents and only the good about their children, and nothing about any of them personally. What drove Margaret and Nick to where they are? Were their own parents critical of them in their lives? Who did Tyler befriend? How were those friends devastated when he died? Did those friends even really care? We're told he was this shining beacon of joy and hope, but we know nothing other than that.
Overall, this story reads more like something told 'round the campfire, like a synopsis for a longer story than a story itself. It needs more, it needs fleshed out, it needs real characters, ones that you understand their motivations even if you don't agree with them personally. All in all, this is the starting point for the story instead of actually being the story.
There were also some minor editorial mistakes. Missing words, incorrect words, very few misspelled words. I'm not going to be picky about those because everybody here deals with those, I'm guilty of that myself. Shit, this review is probably guilty of that.
Don't remove this. Leave it here and view it as the starting point for something greater. The story, as I said, is excellent, but everything about it needs more. You can do that, and you can do that well. Don't simply tell the story, show the story.