Date: 11/13/16 05:33 am Title: Chapter 1
Pace out your story more. Give the story more life. By explaining what's going on rather than just state what's happening. Give your characters more complex thought instead of simple dialogue. Also, wheres the punctuation? That last sentence is 9 LINES LONG. 9 LINES. No person thinks or talks like that. A sentence should be half minimum to two lines max. Use quotation marks to indicate someone is talking, and state who's talking after that. Always put a sentence with dialogue in a new paragraph. You can do a lot better.
Date: 11/13/16 03:58 am Title: Chapter 1
Ummmm, what? I have no idea what is going on. That was way too fast. First off, why don't you start by describing yourself, and your life. Why were you moving? Who exactly is ty? All you said was his family is rich. I hate to be rude, but you need to, first off, work on your grammar a bit, and that can be helped by proof reading it. Don't be afraid to use some comma's or periods, they were invented for a reason. And second, why rush everything? It sounded like you only had a minute to write everything, slow it down a bit.
It's hard being a writer, and I know I am far from being a good writer too, but you need to take your time. Add a little context to your story, do something exciting. Don'the rush yourself, if you have to, maybe have someone you know proof read it, or even just someone on the website. There are lots of good writers here, so just ask someone to read through it before you post it.
Good luck! I can't wait to see abother chapter.