Date: 11/04/17 08:28 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Home for the Summer
I enjoyed this story a lot, though it was a bit of a train wreck toward the end, hard to look at but impossible to look away from. The viewpoint character gets less and less sympathetic as the story goes on until I thought you were writing a tragedy; I'm glad you pulled off a more upbeat, and at least equally satisfying, ending than I was expecting.
Others have suggested that Ellie's diction isn't very realistic for a nine year old, and they're probably right, but I can handwave it: she's obviously looking back on these events from some time later, and she's not nine years old at the time of telling the story to the reader. I found Mason and Judy to be pretty convincing for their purported ages.
There are a few typos here and there -- remarkably few -- but I'll note a couple that are serious enough to affect the reader's experience. One, in the last chapter where the mom comes home to find Ellie by herself, she says:
“Harriet?” Mom asked as I approached her. “What are you doing here?”
For a page or two I thought that Ellie was not merely a manipulative asshole, but delusional about her own identity and that of her siblings; that Ellie and Harriet were alterate personalities in the same body or something, and Harriet was her real legal name, which she'd shifted off onto her brother... it was a while before I realized it was just a typo.
Oh my good gracious, mom saw me with Tabitha and Bethany.
-- there's a missing "never" or something before "saw". (Also, "Mom" should be capitalized in this context.)
(When I read that paragraph, I wondered if Tabitha and Bethany were hallucinatory and never existed. Did Mason or Judy ever interact with them? I don't think so, Ellie was trying to keep her friends as well as her mother from finding out about her tormenting her brother.)
It was fun to see you subvert the usual tropes that are pervasive in crossdressing fiction. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Author's Response: Thank you for catching those errors. I can proofread and proofread and proofread, but sometimes mistakes still slip through. I went ahead and corrected them.
Date: 03/14/17 12:25 am Title: Chapter 1 - Home for the Summer
The final chapter seemed a bit rushed. It was still good, just felt like it was trying to get out of a bit of a corner. I actively felt bad for Mason in it; I'm glad things worked out. Now, hopefully, the next time we see the siblings in action, it won't be so obviously one-sided.
Date: 03/11/17 11:30 am Title: Chapter 1 - Home for the Summer
Well, this was very unrealistic, you might try writing about older characters. There are no 9 year olds that think or talk this way, even very gifted ones. The main character was extremely unlikable and that made it hard to get through. I also felt the ending was out of place, there's no way the mother would not send her back to the school after everything she did, and then grounded her for two weeks is the only punishment. It was way too "happily ever after." Thanks for writing though, keep at it.
Date: 03/09/17 11:33 pm Title: Chapter 8 - Enrollment
Wow that was intense. Glad they all are getting the help they need. And the ending wow... Id idn't expect that! I did however suspect Mason was not as unwilling as he claimed. Who knows the truth, maybe Mason is really Harriet maybe Mason just likes to be Harriet sometimes or maybe Mason just likes wearing the clothes. Either way he'll find out on his own and I wish him the best journey.
This ending was a lot sweeter than ever expected. I kinda want to know the epilogue but I understand it's the end. Anyway thanks for the story I hope you have a wonderful day.
Date: 01/28/17 08:46 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Home for the Summer
Well forgetting that it's entirely unrealistic for a moment (mostly thinking about 5 and 9-yearolds not speaking like adults for example), it's kind of good.
I don't get one thing, this school St Catherines, is both a school the women of the family has gone to as a tradition? And then also some kind of school for girls with some kind of issue?
Date: 01/26/17 04:49 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Home for the Summer
Ellie is probably going to be in for a rude awakening next Friday, since I doubt her mom would want to reward her for whatever cleverness she has in mind with the favor Harriet promised her. But what's really up in the air is what will end up happening
Date: 01/26/17 12:04 pm Title: Chapter 7 - Do You Believe in Miracles?
Yes definitely the wait was worth it,mason's description in cheergirl outfit is what I liked the most and offcourse Ellie's manipulative schemes are at their best,Thanks for the story looking forward for the next part and also for other stories from you
Date: 11/22/16 08:54 pm Title: Chapter 5 - Basketball Games
This is a fantastic story so far. Thanks for writing it. I like how it has a reasonably realistic premise. The dialogue is well written and not stilted. I like the slow progress of emasculating Mason/Harriet rather than doing it all in one blow. I love the theme of a sister doing this rather than a parent. I like that he is trying to resist but just making it worse. I like some of the descriptions, "I pulled his arms through the armholes, and slowly pulled the zipper up his back. I wanted the sound to torment him as long as possible." That's going to stick in my mind for a long time too. Looking forward to more.
Author's Response: I'm glad you like the story. Your own story, The Sissy Girly Game, was a great inspiration to me. I hope we can continue to inspire each other as the days go on.
Date: 11/14/16 12:38 am Title: Chapter 1 - Home for the Summer
It might just be me, but Mason is going along with this stuff a little too easily. The business with buying a ton of underwear, wearing his sister's school uniform at the request of his youngest sister, and how he was sitting when Ellie made him write out those sentences, and now the business with the basketball team.
Date: 11/01/16 03:44 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Two Parties, One Ellie
Nice title, I see what you did there.
I feel like Ellie is getting more corrupted the longer their game goes on, or wicked as the kids would say. Up until this point she has been portrayed as a bright and responsible girl, to see her getting worked up over something like a birthday party is not really the idea I have in mind. About Mason, he'd better put up a fight soon, at first I don't know whom I should be rooting for but now the favor is all for no one, no point if the winner is always obvious.