Date: 07/20/16 03:07 am Title: Chapter 1: End of Night: Suiting up.
Uh, well I see some very SERIOUS problems with this story. Three major mistakes will be explained to you.
Sentence Structure- It doesn't fit, at all. Your sentences look like somebody took their ideas and stuck em' in a blender. NO! Take your time and reread your story before posting it. It helps a lot. I reread my stories at least twice.
Punctuation- Well at least you got some commas down. Are they REALLY sentences? Ask yourself that after every period you place, if there are any at all... Learn about different ways that you can arrange your sentence by taking advantage of your symbols.
Choice of Words- Use words that we understand. Slang and names of unknown places are horrifying to look at. Also, it looks like you took your latest spelling quiz and shoved them into your story. Keep the theme alive. You can't suddenly put a advanced word into a half baked story and expect everything to come put shiny.
There are many other mistakes but focus on these for now. The score that I have rated this story legitimately reflects the current quality of your work. If you want to get payback on me, then go make a story that I can respect. Don't ever feel deterred from writing by someone's review. Instead, use their information to make your story even better! :)
Date: 07/18/16 05:06 pm Title: Chapter 1: End of Night: Suiting up.
I'm not a fan of sissy stories, but a friend of mine is vouching for you, so I decided to give this a try. This is your only chapter of your only story so far, and it's new, so I'm going to be a little lenient on it.
It's too short. Unless you're going for about 400 chapters, this is barely a section of a chapter, let alone a chapter itself. As a friendly suggestion, I'd say you should take this down and combine it with your next couple chapters, assuming they'll all be about this length.
Grammar needs a bit of work. I don't know if English is your first language, but it doesn't come across as such. There are a few decent editors on TGS, you should try to get into contact with one of them. Please take this story to an editor because the idea behind this story is excellent, but the execution just needs a little bit of work.
This opening sequence needs a little bit of fleshing out. We're given Andy and we're given Derek, and we know nothing about them, aside from Andy doesn't like being an office worker. I'm not saying we need an info dump at the beginning of the story saying "This mas my life", but just a little more information about them, because otherwise I don't care about these two, and they feel like they can be replaced with anyone.
Again, this is a great concept that needs better execution. You've got a long way to go before you get there, but don't stop trying. I'll give you two stars for now.
Author's Response: Honestly hadn't expected any reviews at this point, this chapter isn't finished yet. In terms of grammar, I'd love it if you could give me an example - as in my own blinkered eye I cannot see the issue. This is my first attempted to go into story writing and allow others to critique it. Very much looking for honest feedback, which is always appreciated so thank you for that. In terms of the tag the sissy bit might get removed, depending how the story develops. Thank you for the feedback.
Date: 07/18/16 04:47 pm Title: Chapter 1: End of Night: Suiting up.
Um... I really see no problem with the grammar. I don't understand why such a harsh rating, but in general the story was meh. There isn't really a lot of content for me to do a proper review, so I can't give a proper rating. I do suggest you should write a bit more, 300 words aren't enough for a chapter, or even a prologue. Try to write 2000 words! For me it's the best average for a chapter. Don't let the previous review bum you out, and keep going strong!
Author's Response: Thank you, I'm certainly working on fleshing it out and all feedback is welcome.
Date: 07/18/16 09:57 am Title: Chapter 1: End of Night: Suiting up.
One sentence in and I'm already lost. You should find an editor or someone with a grasp on English grammar to proofread the chapter first. Speaking of which, it's too short, less than 400 words is hardly enough for entertainment value.
Author's Response: I think the issue is I've written a little bit to much how I talk and not in a more grabbing way. Fully appreciate the feedback but a one star for a unfinished chapter feels a bit harsh :S Thank you for the feedback