Date: 08/15/16 04:34 pm Title: Chapter 1
Agree with previous comment.. Grammer is must.
Also when I read through the first chapter it felt like you were trying to go to fast.. slow down the story a little. Give some background on characters; so that people can relate to them.
Date: 07/13/16 08:33 pm Title: Chapter 1
I'd start by reading it over and fixing your grammar. It really needs some good editing. The story itself doesn't flow. It's just hard to read and doesn't seem to go anywhere. Then there's detail like the exact phone model and I don't know why you're saying that.
I can tell you've got an idea here and you should go with it. First, re-read and touch up what you have. Keep playing with it until it really flows. And check your grammar carefully.