Date: 06/30/16 11:09 am Title: Chapter 3: hidden agenda revealed and park exploring
The story is quite intriguing, but ya gotta work on the length... So far the story is okay-ish for what it is, but you need more detail & add to the overall story...
Like taking ques from other stories to get a general grasp on what you need to do.... Hikaro has a story called Parallel Quests, and it has different view points to the characters involved. Talk him and he can tell you more... Perhaps you can join us on Disscord, which you'll find a link in discussions... Or talk to me on DeviantArt and I can help ya out there...
Date: 06/24/16 08:04 am Title: Chapter 1: welcome to the park
This chapter is too heavily focused on dialogue and on a short end. An onset with less than 500 words is hardly fitting for an intriguing tale, would have been disappointing if it wasn't for the unique format of non existent space-break between paragraphes. A shame, really...I hate to discard your hard work in such a rude manner and I have no intention to provoke. However, it appears that you are quite poor in your vocation as an author and have yet to meet many demands for improvement.
If you might allow me, I'd say first you should first separate each paragraph by 1 space and concentrate more on important clarifications such as the background world, the setting and the illustration. I'm not too eager to see them in one chapter though, I prefer to see one at a time and then slowly move onto the next as I'm sure that's how readers want it to be. Short, Simple and Sweet, they're the best combination for a short beginning and I've seen one such with just 500 words so who to tell if it's impossble?
I'll save the rating for later, good day to you.