Date: 10/05/17 05:29 pm Title: Winning the Prize
I quite enjoyed the main plot of this story. Darien's transformation was very realistically created, which I enjoyed thoroughly, and therefore quite a turn away from "Bottoms Up", and the scenes are a lot calmer that "The Boss's Coffee", and made for good reading.
I'm not going to repeat any of my other comments on grammar, spelling and paragraphing. but only point out the new ones I've come across.
When Jaleh meets up with Andy there are some minor inconsistencies in the scenes towards the end, almost as the writer got hasty to finally bring the story to en end.
I did not enjoy the sudden 'spoiler' at the beginning of Chapter 16, you should leave all revelations for the Epilogue.
I enjoyed the pace of the plot development and the big question that gnawed at me from the beginning, "Ok Roxy, why're you doing all this, and why are you so resistant when it comes to intimacy." When she banged us with the sudden, "Ok I want a divorce" some sense came into her actions, but then her sudden change of heart created more confusion. Well done.
I trust I'm going to enjoy your work tremendously. Keep it up.
Author's Response: Thanks so much. This was an earlier story and I look forward to hearing what you think about more recent ones.
Date: 05/06/16 02:03 pm Title: Winning the Prize
There are a couple of grammatical issues that pulled me out of a moment, but you did a good job of capturing the voice of Jaleh. Nicely done.
Author's Response: So frustrating when I find those! I proof twice but sometimes miss typos, wrong auto-corrects or missed words. Hopefully, it doesn't happen too often! Glad you liked it.