Date: 07/07/19 11:53 pm Title: Chapter 16 - Repercussions
Now I didn't see that coming............superb !!
Author's Response: I'm really glad you've been liking the story so far! I intend to do future stories with Virus, and more stories in Empire city in time as well. Thanks for being a fan! (Sorry for the late response - I was locked out of the site due to SQL errors and the crash.
Date: 03/16/19 06:16 am Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
Really enjoyed this story! I love super hero stories and this one is very much one of my favorites. I read the story a while back when I had no account. Came back to leave you a review!
Author's Response: Thanks Rosilys - I had a lot of fun writing it. I don't plan it to be the last Empire City story either - I want to do one each on the other mentioned heroes - Tesseract / Fathom, and the Revenant
Date: 06/29/18 01:08 am Title: Chapter 20 - Finale
Thank you for not making a transformation in to a punishment or humiliation.
We all want to be heroes on the inside.
Author's Response: I agree! Virus only did what she did because she felt she had no other recourse - and she refused to leave him transformed because of the pain she had felt being Trans... She refused to become a villain. What she did was violent and nasty, but she was dealing with a violent and nasty man. I hope in your mind she didn't change from a heroine to an anti-heroine. I think you're right - we all want to be heroes.
Date: 06/23/18 06:08 am Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
This was a lot of fun to read. I would love to see more. There’s a lot of background material that could be expanded on, too. Fathom and Tesseract, for instance, are largely unknowns.
Author's Response: Hi Queen of Blades! I'm glad it was fun to read - that was my goal! I intend to tell more tales of Empire City in the future! Fathom and Tesseract are pretty interesting characters, I think - and I look forward to introducing them sometime.
Date: 12/10/16 10:00 am Title: Chapter 20 - Finale
Virus is like Batman. Good job! Who is next antihero?
Author's Response: Thanks BatJade. She might eventually be like Batman, but she really doesn't like to hurt people. She felt she had to to scare the bejeesus out of him, and maybe she took it a little too far. That's why she felt uncomfortable and ill after it was over - I think she knew she might have crossed a line she shouldn't have. I think Virus is going to be a bit darker than many heroes in Paragon - but not to the point of ever being like the Punisher. Even some iterations of Batman are really violent. I don't want Virus to be that violent - so if the Punisher is a 10, and Batman from the Dark Knight Returns is a 9, Shade from Paragon about a 8, and the Adam West batman of the 60's is a 1, I'd want her around ~6. On a scale of 1-10.
Date: 12/08/16 10:32 pm Title: Chapter 20 - Finale
I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this story. it really reminds me of Morpheus' Legacy stories (which is a very good thing). I remember reading this when you started it and wishing it would have an ending, now that it did, I find the exact opposite. I want more :)
Author's Response: That means a hell of a lot, KagatoAC - I loved Morpheus's legacy universe, and I think I've read all of them. That's a very high compliment, in my opinion! There will be more - and there may be stories about the other supers she mentioned too - Tesseract and Fathom, a pair of teamed up super heroes. Fathom is an ex-Special Ops with water powers, and Tess has spatial control and dimensional powers. I will be doing more with Virus, though... I hate when stories stop after one iteration unless they really stand alone...
Date: 12/07/16 01:06 am Title: Chapter 20 - Finale
*squeals* OMG YES!!! MORE VIRUS! I know it's the ending but thank you so much :D
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it Lichelly! I plan on writing more about Virus as she learns how to be a heroine in future installments - but I need to finish Mandate 2 first and then get working on Call of the Void 3. You might have to wait a while...
Date: 12/06/16 06:57 pm Title: Chapter 20 - Finale
'“We haven’t even started yet, Harry – this is just the warmup. Consider it payback for all the beatings you gave her over the years. Then she began again, kicking harder than before'
You missed a quote. I'd also suggest "warm-up" as well.
Otherwise, good job with this one. Cheers.
Author's Response: Thanks for the catch there, Desert Willow. I'm glad you liked it! Your opinion means a lot to me!
Date: 12/06/16 03:15 am Title: Chapter 20 - Finale
That was a wonderful ending to a great story. I would love to see more stories set in the Empire City universe. I am happy to see an ending for this story. Too many amazing stories go unfinished. It is truly quite sad. I can't wait to see what other stories you will share with us in the future.
Author's Response: Thanks NSFU - I've seen a lot of your comments here and really appreciate them. There will be more stories in the Empire city setting - and although some will follow Virus/Colby, I might have a few stories about the other heroes in her city - Tesseract and Fathom. So can I ask you a question? How did I do for my first foray into superhero writing? Worth trying again, maybe with a few shorts of less than novel length?
Date: 12/06/16 03:09 am Title: Chapter 20 - Finale
It was good and I enjoyed reading it, now finish call of the void please.
Author's Response: Hi Wolfgaurd1! Thanks for the compliment! I will be working on Call of the Void part 3 very soon. Its in planning stages, and I should set pen to paper soon - but I may end up splitting my time between it and Mandate of Heaven part 2. I'm really invested in that story and want to see it continue, if there's any interest at all. Once I get Call of the Void part 3 started, I'm probably going to work on that series until its done, unless life kicks me in the butt. (I figure CotV will be 5 books long)
Date: 08/18/16 10:05 pm Title: Chapter 17 - Doubles
I would live to see virus and hazard man tear down trask. Also awesome chapters, except for a thought that ocured to me. Generally virus has on something akin to a latex body suitas her uniform, when she showed up to save the detective. But when we go from the apartment scene to the hotel, she never changes or shapeshifts. Is she just as virus but with different clothes or what? I'm confused.
Author's Response: Colby has her natural female appearance... lets call that form A. As Virus, she has a different, blonde appearance with purple eyes and different facial features. Let's call that form B. When she's virus she usually wears her costume - but she was out as Colby with Darryl for dinner in form A. Since she didn't want Allan to discover who she really was, she switched to form B, but wearing civilian clothes - so her ID as Colby stays safe, but she can interact with Allan as a civilian without wearing the costume. If heroics are needed, she'll stay in form B and switch to her costume. Does that help? (When she becomes Virus she changes her appearance and her costume - a double layer of protection, in case she gets de-masked). I'm glad you're enjoying it, Aquerty! I think I did have her shapeshift - let me check the chapter - if Its not there I'll add it. Thanks for the review!
Date: 08/16/16 03:12 am Title: Chapter 17 - Doubles
Things are heating up! Is this really the last chapter? It feels like you've got at least a few more. But you're the boss ;-;
Author's Response: This is not the last chapter. I decided to extend the story a little bit and flesh it out with another story arc. It will be going onward for a while - not forever, but a while. Sorry for the confusion.
Date: 08/10/16 01:43 am Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
If the other Empire City stories are as good as this, then I would definitely check them out. I won't promise to like every story that might be written with Empire City as background since I have no idea what they would be about. Having said that, I definitely believe Empire City is a Really Good idea that deserves an accompaniment of stories (just finish this one first, please?).
Author's Response: Definitely! And thanks for the feedback!
Date: 08/10/16 01:25 am Title: Chapter 16 - Repercussions
If you feel you can make this story last as longer and it not degrade the excellent quality you have shown us thus far, All the power to you. I am loving the story and more chapters is always a plus. But as I said, it is only a plus if the story continues to be as well written as it has been. Having said that, I have confidence you can pull it off. I am excited to see where you take this.
Author's Response: I totally think I can do it justice. Thanks for the vote of confidence! Would you be interested in more stories in Empire city, in the future?
Date: 08/09/16 07:40 pm Title: Chapter 15 - Victory!
I'm sad it's ending bit I'm excited about your other stories being updated, I'm in a pickle, happy or sad. Also I need to stop writing on my phone, im making no progress.
Author's Response: It's not ending! I decided to take it on a new arc and expand this one! But worry not - I plan on doing some Mandate of Heaven soon too... and as soon as either one of these two stories is finished, I plan on writing a new one - either something short for TG Storytime, or I'll begin part 3 of Call of the Void. By the way, Aquerty - I'm planning on running a story in Storium.com based on Mercia, with the premise the characters are normal people going to this world. If you (or anyone else who's a fan of exploring more of Mercia) are interested in playing, message me and I'll give you the details. Its something I thought might get me back in the mood to do more Call of the Void. Note: Only apply if you like writing. Storium is a writing site/game and if you don't like writing at least 1 post a day, you won't like it. www.storium.com (Note - Message me if you want details - they aren't up on Storium yet)
Date: 08/09/16 06:13 am Title: Chapter 15 - Victory!
You missed the name - "Mr. [Chips] growled in frustration.
OMG, I just like the chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks, BatJade! I corrected the error - and in the true fashion of Marvel Comics, I award you a NO-PRIZE. To be honest, I should award a few more, to Desert Willow and some others too, but there you are!. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far.
Date: 08/08/16 11:20 pm Title: Chapter 15 - Victory!
Also, regarding your "fix" last chapter, that really wasn't necessary. I was just poking fun. Re-reading after the fix, it probably flowed better with the synonyms in place.
You're close to your story's end, you said? Short, but sweet, is cool, and it'll make you the third person to finish any number of stories in the Paragon Verse. lol... If there was one request I had, as optional and potentially vane as it might sound, it would be a reference to the characters in my trilogy; that's entirely up to you.
Author's Response: I have no problem with that - in fact, it might be fun if they made a cameo - but I didn't want to assume I had permission to write about them. Oh - I may be near the end of this story, but Virus's stories will continue - I just wanted to test the water with a superhero story and see how it was received. In retrospect it seems like it was received well! I'll be setting this up for future stories in Empire city - some with Virus, some with Fathom and Tesseract. How do I turn Empire city into a series, like Paragon, and allow people to post in it, if they want to? I'm curious.
Date: 08/06/16 10:34 pm Title: Chapter 14 - Stranger in a Strange Land
Really loving the story so far! Thanks for writing this, keep it up!
I personally think it'd be better if you faded to black, leaving it to everyone's imaginations.
Author's Response: Hi Howie. I think I will fade to black... it fits better. I'm glad you're liking the story! Is there any part of the story you like better? A character or a scene? I'd love to know!
Date: 08/06/16 10:17 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
I just want to say that I have enjoyed the first chapter. I'm glad you have taken the time to set up a story beyond a transformation.
Author's Response: Hi Duane! I really dislike stories that have nothing but the transformation. I try to make most of my stories have the transformation make sense in the story - both with Mandate of Heaven part 1, and Call of the Void part 1 I definitely wanted characters that were fleshed out both before and after the change. I think I've managed that here too. I think the story should be a major part of it - so thanks for liking it!
Date: 08/05/16 11:48 pm Title: Chapter 14 - Stranger in a Strange Land
"Darryl looked furious, mad and upset."
Not to mention angry, enraged, sulky, fuming, vexed, impassioned, and ready to write an eccentrically malicious letter to Congress.
The story's shaping up a ways, and it's good to see the characters develop in addition to the hero and villain stuff going on. What you're aiming for here is on point, and I like that. Keep upp the good work; I'm among a number of people looking forward to more.
Author's Response: Thanks for that reality check Desert Willow - BTW I love your over the top carrying it further. I'll adjust the copy! I'm glad to see you're starting to enjoy the story. It's a bit of a slow burn - maybe I need to work on pacing. Part of the problem is that its a drama - with action - but the periods of drama seem to be outweighing the action, which makes it a bit of a confused story. I'm trying to find a balance - but I'm liking how its turning out myself. Can I ask you a question? How is the pace of the chapters coming out? Is one every day too fast for most people? Would I be better off doing maybe 2-3 per week? Sometimes it just flows - and others, not so much. Any advice?
Date: 08/05/16 11:47 pm Title: Chapter 14 - Stranger in a Strange Land
Just wow... poor Colby. It's always hard knowing that the curse of being born Trans makes it so hard to interact like other girls. IT's not that it makes you less of a girl, just a more sheltered one. And wow she knew he was Trans, your char has amazing powers xD
I wonder, if they'll get to have a convo about that, and if he can ask her (if he wants of course) to change his body?
Her power is like a Trans girl's dream, you could be your real self, not the one people see, and she could help so many Trans people!
Author's Response: In a way it kind of is a trans persons dream - she can be whoever she wants to be, and help anyone else be who they want to be - but what about government ID? What about the people in their life that suddenly won't recognize them? She'd have to set up some sort of underground railroad to get the Trans people she helped new IDs and new lives. She could do that - but she'd have little time for her normal life or even heroing. I think she'll have to settle for helping the ones she knows about personally, if they want it, and if they're ready for it. Also - what does she change them to? Not every trans person wants to be fully the other gender. Does she sell her power as a cheap form of Plastic Surgery? Its a tough question for Virus to figure out - but its one she'll eventually have to deal with... As a healer, when is it okay to say "No - I'm not healing anyone else today."? That's a really, really big question.
Date: 08/04/16 10:57 pm Title: Chapter 13 - Party Preparations
Will Virus flirt with the detective?
Author's Response: I think she finds the detective attractive - but I don't see her flirting with him unless something seriously major changes in this story... For the future, though? Who can say?
Date: 08/04/16 04:57 pm Title: Chapter 12 - The Battle
I like how that one guy got exploded by hazard man's gun. And no one mentions it, guess no body liked him xD
Great story, I cant wait for more, you're such an awesome writer :D
Author's Response: Well, he'll get noticed eventually - but yeah, I thought it was kind of sad. Screw that guy - nobody likes that dude... LOL. It's not the first person Justin has murdered, but its enough. He is a bad guy after all - but at the same time, I hope he's a sympathetic bad guy at least a little. Thanks for the compliments Lilchelly!
Date: 07/30/16 04:11 am Title: Chapter 10 - Mutation
The story is a great sci-fi yarn that featured more three-dimensional characters. The main character's drama and conflicts make a solid anchor for the action. I think this is a great story, and is a pleasant change of pace from the stories that are really designed to titillate rather than tell a story. Wish there were more like this.
Author's Response: Thanks Bobbie! Those are some very kind words! I hope you enjoy it as it continues...
Date: 07/26/16 08:30 pm Title: Chapter 10 - Mutation
I love how you handle Trans issues also in this story. Most of the time these gender transformation stories just assume everyone is cis. It's such a refreshing thing to read a story about a Trans girl who wanted to change but finds herself still having doubts in herself. And to have another trans character (wont spoil who) who explains what being trans is about and when Darryl said "I feel like she's been a girl her whole life." Just OMG I squealed
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I like writing stories where the character is more than a) a sex maniac and b) Trans. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter!
Date: 07/26/16 11:55 am Title: Chapter 10 - Mutation
Awesome that would be awesome. BTW I was wondering if i could talk to you, and get some advice about a story I'm writing. My email is email@example.com and as always I can't wait for more.
Author's Response: I emailed you earlier, and I'd be happy to help out. Let me know what you need from me! Might I ask what, exactly, was awesome?
Date: 06/26/16 06:41 pm Title: Chapter 6 - Virus
I have to say that this story is so unique compared to what I have read and I hope that it keeps going. Good job
Author's Response: Hi je123 - I'm really thrilled you like it! I plan to keep going with it until the current story is dealt with, which may be a while - after all, there's a lot of stuff to still cover. Can I ask what's so unique about it? I'd love to know!
Date: 06/01/16 09:48 am Title: Chapter 9 - Hacking
Good to see your back writing again. Take it from someone who lives in Texas AC is wonderful. Also I've almost finished with part 1 of cotv that you posted on Amazon
0and I noticed a few minor errors, like a few parentheses out of place. I assume it has something to do with formatting but I figured I should tell you.
And as always can't wait for more lovely chapters.
Author's Response: Thanks Aquerty! I'm glad you read COTV - and I understand that as far as I know the errors have been fixed - but if they haven't I'm not sure what to do. Thanks for the warning. I'm looking forward to writing more. More will be coming soon - I've been having RL problems with my family and basically had to cut my dad out of my life for my own sanity - not that he wanted to be part of it anyway. It's been tough. I'm looking forward to moving on with Empire City and Mandate of Heaven part 2 very soon - and then I'll get back to COTV #3 - "Destruction"
Date: 05/30/16 08:34 pm Title: Chapter 9 - Hacking
Nice! I like the chapter. Write more action scenes. :P
Author's Response: Hi Jacob! Thanks for the thumbs up - and don't worry, there will be more action scenes soon. Now that Kayden / Colby has some necessary evils like getting an ID out of the way, she'll be having a chat with Darryl and then going full blown superheroine. There will be action.
Date: 05/14/16 08:50 pm Title: Chapter 8 - Hazard Man
I really enjoyed reading this chapter. I like how the relationship between Kay/Kayden and Daryll is developing. Now I'm wondering what direction Dr. Pierce will take as a Mad Scientist Super Villain.
Author's Response: Hi Selvanius! Thanks for reading! Dr. Pierce still wants to cure cancer - but he'll need a lab and money... I'm glad the relationship with Kay and Darryl is going well - I'm not intending to rush it, either. Kinda see where it goes naturally.
Date: 05/13/16 09:14 pm Title: Chapter 8 - Hazard Man
Wonderful chapter is always. I kinda wish you would just focus on this story bit Moh is just as good.
By the way do you have any idea what happened to minikissa.
Author's Response: I've been doing whichever story tells me it wants done first. I figured I've left MOH for a few weeks, and maybe it was time to go back - but at the same time, Empire City still wants out. Its pretty bossy and demanding, actually. (I'm worried if I stop it will cave my face in, in anger). Anyway, I'll do more of both - and the intent is to do MOH first - but we'll see how it actually works out in reality.
Date: 05/13/16 08:42 pm Title: Chapter 8 - Hazard Man
I notice that you missed the word - ansy. *If the police get ansy I’ll text you*
Or I like the chapter.
I like The Mandate of Heaven, Part 1, but I will keep to read the whole story, if I have time. Another thing, my computer can't read the files like you sent to me.
Author's Response: Hi Jacob! Glad you liked MOH part 1. Would you like me to send the files in another format? Let me know which format you can read easiest. I'd be glad to resend them to you. Oh - and thanks for the note on my omitted word - I appreciate it!
Date: 05/06/16 09:14 pm Title: Chapter 7 - Rebirth
Now that was a long chapter lol and very steamy one at that. I'm curious to see how you will elaborate on Kaden's shape-shifting powers. Also I imagine in a paragon World it wouldn't be too hard to gain a fake ID lol.
Author's Response: With Kayden's powers it wouldn't be hard to get a new legal ID in our world, either... (A little illegal, but easy). My dad worked with intelligence and police and he told me how a lot of agencies get new IDs and stuff - really interesting stuff, actually. Kayden's powers with shapeshifting are going to be explored very soon in future chapters. I'm glad you liked the chapter Aquerty! The ID Kayden gets will be 100% legal, even if she breaks a teeny tiny law or two to get it.
Date: 05/06/16 01:08 pm Title: Chapter 7 - Rebirth
Hehe, I like the story direction, and the new Mr. Chips! Fear the wrath of robo-terrier! Kaydon gets a reprieve, but we know it won't last long. I'm glad Trask will likely add a crime boss-like element into the mix, too. Now I want to see how they all clash. :D
Structurally, this chapter isn't up to par with previous ones, especially in the first Justin scene. There are some grammatical mistakes, excess prepositions, redundancies, and overdone cliches. It could use some proofing.
Author's Response: Thanks for your critique Kara - I'll take a look at the chapter and see if I can clean it up a bit. I'm glad you like Mr. Chips - he's awesome. Trask is definitely a crime boss type - kind of like a mix of Kingpin and Lex Luthor. Would it help to say Mr. Chips is basically a sentinel in a terrier body?
Date: 05/06/16 12:13 pm Title: Chapter 7 - Rebirth
I never read your full story The Mandate of Heaven, part 1, so I can't pay either. May I get your free story? firstname.lastname@example.org
One thing, I noticed that you mixed of "Mr. Chip's" and "Mr. Chips'" a few. I think that the chapter is good and erotic.
Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out Jacob... I think I could send you a copy as a favor. It was on this site for a while, and was pretty well received - I hope you like it. In case you're worried, I don't have plans to remove Empire City from this site to try and sell - there's far too much copyrighted material to do so - and its more of my fun project rather than commercial project. It'll be here for all to enjoy! Could I ask you a favor? If you like Mandate of Heaven part 1, let me know. Thanks!
Date: 05/06/16 06:04 am Title: Chapter 7 - Rebirth
Heh. A lot of "Juicy" information there... Anyways great chapter! It seems like Justin Pierce has obtained some sort of ferrokinesis from using Neural Accelerator. I wonder what side he will choose or if he will stay neutral.
Author's Response: Actually he gained a power that lets him transform machines and machine parts into other machines and machine parts - he's the kind of guy who could touch a rusted out wreck of a car, and turn it into a armored humvee with a laser gun on top. That being said, he has to conserve some mass - so he can't turn a hammer into a battleship - but he doesn't have to conserve it exactly. Just ballpark it. I'm glad you liked the chapter Selvanius - and thanks for reading it from day 1.
Date: 05/05/16 11:57 pm Title: Chapter 7 - Rebirth
“” a robotic voice said, coming from Mr. Chips. ” The tiny robot dog walked towards Victor Franco, his mouth opening as he went, a small lambent flame flickering in his mouth as a nozzle emerged from his chassis.
What did the robotic voice say??
Author's Response: It was a hypertext HTML tag error... The first instance said "Allocate Target" and the second instance said "Initiate Response" - I've since edited the text to make sure it shows up properly... Thanks for pointing that out, Lilchelly!
Date: 05/03/16 08:18 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
Your writing style tends to be drawn-out and descriptive making them feel longer than they really are. (And it's a good thing). Sure longer is awesome bit don't burn you're self out.
Author's Response: Well that's cool. I hope its not too long and drawn out - sometimes speed and brevity is the way to go, but I really like letting my readers get to know the characters. Can I ask you, what do you think about the relationship between Justin and Mr. Chips... How has it been done so far - too light a touch, too heavy a touch or just right?
Date: 05/02/16 11:19 pm Title: Chapter 6 - Virus
Good chapter love the feal so far. Also love the long chapters.
Author's Response: Glad you like it Aquerty! These are long chapters? To me they feel short - were the chapters I posted for Call of the Void too long? They were about 3-4 times as long as the chapters for Empire and Mandate of Heaven.
Date: 05/01/16 06:41 pm Title: Chapter 6 - Virus
Maybe threesome... Joking apart, Kayden talks with Darryl and says that she regrets to kiss, but she says that she is in love with Taylor. What does Darryl say then? It depends on his feelings.
Author's Response: Yeah... No Threesomes. For that, you want Mandate of Heaven part 2. I think falling spontaneously in love with Taylor might be tough - she just met him. But I see how you might work it in. Let's say its "under advisement" - Taylor has a bigger part to play in this tale eventually.
Date: 05/01/16 06:12 am Title: Chapter 6 - Virus
Yay, first outing as a hero. How's it feel to have one now in the Verse?
Author's Response: It feels pretty good, actually! I'm looking forward to writing more stories about the Verse when I get the chance. It's been really fun!
Date: 05/01/16 01:18 am Title: Chapter 6 - Virus
Oh boy! I really do hope that Kayden and Daryl get together. It would be such an amazing relationship.
Author's Response: Thanks for your opinion, Selvanius! Whether things work out between Kay and Dar in the future is kinda hard to tell right now - but they definitely seem to have some connection. Let's see how it develops.
Date: 04/30/16 08:12 pm Title: Chapter 5 - Friends
I notice that you missed the spell "drank" with a double letter. "He drankk his beer and wondered - would Kayden try to use his powers for good, or for his own profit."
I still like the chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out - I'll get on that and fix it. I'm glad you liked the chapter!
Date: 04/27/16 12:00 pm Title: Chapter 5 - Friends
Dammit! I want to know more! And I love the Cliffhangers!
Author's Response: Hi Jacob - I made a colossal screw up when posting the chapter - it cut off before the chapter was complete. If you go back now, it ties up a lot more nicely - but it still ends on a cliff hanger. I hope this repaired version of the chapter is more to your liking!
Date: 04/27/16 07:35 am Title: Chapter 5 - Friends
I'm still in the midst of forming a solid opinion about this story, seeing as how it's only starting, but the writing itself is totally fine.
As to what I said before about a reference, I meant that a character in CoVS makes a passing reference to Empire City during an internal monologue.
Date: 04/26/16 03:14 am Title: Chapter 5 - Friends
Well written. I hope there's more. Not sure if 'virus' really fits in with a shapeshifter though.
Author's Response: Hi Selvanius - and there will be more - the story is only starting. Kayden isn't just a shapeshifter, so I think Virus is still appropriate - but I can see why you might not. (See the review down a few entries to see my not-so clear reasons for calling her Virus)
Date: 04/25/16 08:56 am Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
What's this? Another story in the Verse? I may or may not have added a reference when looking over a chapter I was supposed to add months ago.
Author's Response: Hi Desert Willow! Well, I'm doing my best - hopefully it will stand up to the other cool Paragon Verse stories. If I may ask, what reference? If you'd like to add one, be my guest - but this story, although its been germinating a while, was just started a few weeks ago. Still, I'd love to see what you think about my effort, once it truly gets underway.
Date: 04/23/16 12:51 am Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
Read your reply, and I'd like to know about the "virus" and how it plays into the story...but... I'll leave that up to you...So PM me or not....I can wait if you need me to...
Author's Response: << SPOILER ALERT >> Kayden is the Virus... He's become a living biological and computer virus that can assume any human form, infiltrate and adapt in any human social situation (when he has more practice), infiltrate and adapt and control computer systems. He can alter herself and others physically and genetically - including healing. Justin did discover a cure for cancer - the cure is Kayden. Kayden is a panacea (cure all) - but when she decides to fight the corruption and sickness in Empire city, she knows she can't call herself that - so she calls herself Virus. Criminals are scared of sicknesses... I know this sounds cheesy - but crime is a disease, and Kayden as Virus intends to be the cure. Does that explain it? This would have come out in future chapters, but you did ask for a reveal...
Date: 04/21/16 12:11 pm Title: Chapter 4 - Infected
Neat chapter. I'm really interested where it will go next, especially for Justin. I love how you fleshed him out and his quirky, unbalanced nature, but I'm a little uncertain of him right now. He certainly doesn't have it all together enough to be a criminal supergenius, but he's smart enough and has the right resources to be dangerous. Perfect for a low key place like Empire City perhaps, except...
Kaydon on the other hand, seems to have the potential to be a real game changer in such a setting. Invulnerability to gunfire, shapechanging, massive healing, and tech-telepathy, all with an immediate and instinctive mastery of how it works. With that skillset, he could easily infiltrate the corrupt cop ring and bring it down. You may have to reign him in a little, or step up Empire's game. Then again, he doesn't seem overly bright, so maybe he gets outsmarted.
Author's Response: Hey Kara! Kayden's bright, but he's not a genius so being outsmarted is always an option... His powers aren't as easy to use as they seem so far - he can't heal in an instant - it takes time, so if several people get hurt, he can't just run by and go tap tap tap and heal them all. He can have his healing factor overwhelmed - so where three bullets isn't much to worry about, who knows what 10 will do or even 20. Someone with a SMG could potentially wreck his day. He's going to learn soon that he can only interact with tech that has electronics - so there are some limitations. He still has to know how to hack - which means he might need to learn some computing skills to truly make use of his ability (although he does have a small edge). Oh - and Empire city will be stepping up its game... Right now, no one knows he exists. When he sticks his head up, its probably going to get shot off, if he's not lucky. Oh - Justin isn't finished... He and Mr Chips are due for bigger and better things. Can I give one spoiler? Mr. Chips the robot dog is far more dangerous of the two of them. He'll do anything to protect his master... Anything. Justin has a lot of issues to deal with too - like what happened in his lab last night. He might be finding new employment soon - but will Mr. Trask, who obviously values him very much, just let him walk away? He put a lot of money into Kayden's care and the "cancer cure" that Justin promised. HE WANTS IT. And what Bolivar Trask wants, Bolivar Trask gets. Thank's for your review and comment!
Date: 04/21/16 08:28 am Title: Chapter 4 - Infected
Nice and interesting chapter! But I am sorry, meh, you can explain more...
Author's Response: I am confused Jacob... Thank you for your opinion on the chapter - but what do you mean sorry, meh? Is it your way of saying "Please give more information" or is it kind of saying the chapter was good... but not too good? IF there was a problem, could you maybe tell me what turned you off? Thanks. If its just about how the title works into the story, I'd be happy to tell you. I was just concerned people might think I was giving away spoilers.
Date: 04/20/16 11:04 pm Title: Chapter 4 - Infected
Well that's an odd transformation...How does "virus" play into this?
Author's Response: Well, I could tell you - but it might involve some spoilers. If you don't mind, I could private message you the info - I don't want to post it here until it comes out in the story, okay?
Date: 04/20/16 02:56 am Title: Chapter 3 - Formulae
Interesting story. The pacing seems a bit off however. You're blowing through a bit much a bit too quickly. For example, I feel next to nothing for Kayden. He's just a named nice guy sort of character with gender issues. In contrast you've built up some nice depth for Justin and his struggles with his dog. And thus I'm much more interested in him and rooting for him regardless of how unethical he's being because you've developed him so much better. That's a bit of a problem moving forward for you. Beyond that I'll be following this story to see how it develops. Thanks for sharing.
Author's Response: Thank you for pointing that out, Amanda. I'm glad I've been able to build some connection with Justin and co - but it seems I've really fallen from my mark with Kayden. I'll strive to do better with his role.
Date: 04/19/16 02:00 am Title: Chapter 3 - Formulae
Like I said before... Having lost (or close to losing in this case) someone can have an adverse effect on one's psyche, even more so the more you're attached... Depression & Desperation, what a lovely combo...😅
Author's Response: True... I just wonder if it will play out the way you expect it to, or if it will be different?
Date: 04/18/16 10:49 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Formulae
Oo, getting to the good part. I want to see how Mr. Chips becomes the striking Mrs. Chips! And Kaydon would probably make a good sidekick, too. That is the gender swap you have planned, right? Right?
Author's Response: Ummm.... I hope you're not serious? Kaydon won't be a sidekick - Mr Chips will be, but not for Kayden, and as for the rest, wait and see... LOL.
Date: 04/18/16 07:42 pm Title: Chapter 3 - Formulae
Wow, this is shaping up nicely. Love the bit with shitty cops stealing her money. Pretty realistic, cops don't have scruples it seems. The mention of Plan B... oh dear. That's not going to end well.
Author's Response: I liked that too... Frankly I think cops have scruples - but the cops in Empire city tend to not have scruples. Plan B does sound like a really bad idea, doesn't it...? I hoped to make Justin and Mr. Chips seem human (even though Chips is a dog) - so that they won't seem cartooney and four color. I think I succeeded. Kayden is about to have a very bad evening...
Date: 04/18/16 03:27 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
This is good. You have a strong narrative voice, the scenes feel appropriately gritty without trying to beat us over the head with it (the abused woman gets the point and mood across well), and your character has a strong, but subdued personality that I like. I like the no nonsense and somewhat grim dialogue between strangers, too. It speaks of the overall mood of the place compared to how Kaydon talks with his friend.
My only gripe is a little too much exposition. Why do I need to know so much about Tesseract and the other metas if they don't even influence the characters in the scene? If we need to know about them now for some reason, it would be better if they are worked into the story, at least marginally. Maybe if Kaydon's opinions of them were sparked by an event in the narrative. Maybe he talks to someone that they helped, or he passed through a venue they helped yesterday. Something poignant. Seems like you are going out of your way to explain this is a hero story before the heroism.
Also, the guard called Pierce, Jeffery, but you later named him Justin. Not sure if this was a name change or if the guard got it wrong, but it even Kayden presumed him to be Justin.
Author's Response: Thanks Kara for your insights... It's possibly I made a typo on the jeffery thing so I'll check that out. As for the exposition, I might have been a bit heavy handed, but it will come into play later - his opinions on superheroes will be important when he has the chance to become one, or not. I think I may need to tweak my exposition and take a lighter touch though - thank you. This is the first time I've done a superhero story, so I may not have the balance or feel for it just yet, but I think I'll have my feet under me pretty soon! Thanks!
Date: 04/18/16 11:29 am Title: Chapter 2 - Donor
I like the dark city fiction story.
Author's Response: Thanks Jacob... I hope you enjoy it! I loved Dark City - that movie was awesome. Another cool superhero film is Chronicle, where three students find an alien rock that gives them telekinesis. Its pretty cool. I hope you keep reading!
Date: 04/18/16 10:57 am Title: Chapter 2 - Donor
Huh, wonder if the dog will make it? Cause losing a loved one can have an adverse effect on one's psyche...
Author's Response: Actually, the dog is a major character!
Date: 04/18/16 12:37 am Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
So this is your new version you'd mentioned before? Color me impressed; and I can relate to the character a little bit, so far...
Author's Response: Thanks. Kayden is a nice guy who's had a long run of bad luck. Thanks for the kudo, and I hope you enjoy the story as it continues. I'm hoping to have some interesting heroes and villains, and have a good tale to tell.
Date: 04/17/16 04:30 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Circling the Drain
Goodie! Another story by Kathryn Mayhew! :)
Really good start, intriguing and establishes our main character and setting early on. I'm really looking forward to more.
Author's Response: Great! I'm really enjoying trying something new (by which I mean a superhero story). I hope I can nail it just right... Thanks!