Date: 06/19/12 04:08 am Title: Chapter 2
Proofread your work more thoroughly. Using erroneous words, spellings, and syntax detract from the story. Dialog needs to be separated according to speaker to avoid tasking your readers with needing to sort it out themselves, and to clarify if the dialog content is spoken aloud, is an aside to the reader, or internal commentary. Robin seems way too co-operative with the whole transformation process. And finally, over the past several decades, petticoat discipline has been removed from main-stream education, particularly from parochial schools.
Snarfles wants you to keep writing, have fun with it; but you need to make it just as fun to read as it is to write.