Date: 04/12/16 04:56 pm Title: Chapter 1 Harry wins the jackpot on a slot machine
I know it can be cumbersome, but you should proofread more carefully. Some of the mistakes look like typos but others are more distracting (like mistaking "Boob's" as the plural form of "boob" - its "boobs," no apostrophe, no capital letter).
Maybe try to picture the conversations as a tool to make the dialogue more natural.
Try some basic web research on the products and procedures you're writing about. It's generally easy to find information that will make your writing more credible.
Date: 02/25/16 09:31 pm Title: Chapter 1 Harry wins the jackpot on a slot machine
Ok, I like this story a lot, but I have several problems with it.
One, the most aggravating one, is how your characters speak. Always saying each others names and always using similar exclamations. (OMG!), I'd advise putting a little more effort into the dialog, give each person their own voice instead of treating it as 'ok, there's some dialog that needs to happen now to move the story along, better get that out of the way'
Two, an extension of the first problem, the story just seems to somehow swim along, stuff happens without any seeming investment or involvement from the two main characters. That part where they were travelling was almost like that scene out of Wayne's World when they were playing with the Blue-screen. "OMG We're In France" "OMG, We're in Italy" "OMG, we're finished with the whole trip!" It's too obvious you're trying to skip through parts of the story you don't feel are important...authors do this, but there needs to be a little bit of effort, you can't just gloss completely over it.
Third, and this is something that's bothered me in more of your stories.
You keep referring to it specifically as plastic breasts and a plastic pussy...ok, fine. Plastic is not a material that, in my mind, can easily mimic human flesh...or at least if it did, it would be such a specialized and advanced type of plastic that it would probably be called something else.
Further, the way you keep bringing it up suggests that it's something of a fetish for you, or you find it particularly exciting that it's plastic (and not something else), if you did, you might vary your wording a little bit from time to time 'faux vagina, artificial pussy, imitation genitalia' etc. But you keep using the exact same wording, it comes off as obsessive and clumsy. If it's not a specific turn on for you (that it be plastic and not say latex, silicone, bio-adaptive carbon mesh, whatever), that suggests a bit of laziness.
Fourth...your characters don't really seem to have thoughts and feelings, they just go along with stuff, seemingly for no reason 'ok, I guess I'm having sex now, yay', that's not to say there aren't some subtleties, but you might want to flesh them out a bit more.
Still, fun story, look forward to more.
Date: 02/22/16 12:24 am Title: Chapter 4 Harry and George return home from their honeymoon
I really like this story and always forward to the updates. My one criticism is how much they call each by their names. Every conversation has their names in practically each sentence. It's not very realistic and a little distracting.