Date: 02/08/16 04:09 pm Title: Chapter 1
certainly a good first attempt, though I would have asked another person to go over it once or twice to point out any errors or problems they see with the content. certainly agree with selv, you need variety to keep flow and keep it immersive. I would recommend looking at other stories andsee how their authors did things, same for published books. this can give you a better grasp of what works so you can spend less time focused on how to write something and instead focus more on where you want to take it and how you want the characters to get there.
this is complete as of chapter1, so it's a one-shot? if so, it's not a bad choice. writing a few one-shots can get you comfortable and ready for writing longer pieces, plus the reviews can help you spot your biggest issues before you get too invested in a bigger project ;)
looking forward to a few more of your stories.
Date: 02/08/16 05:01 am Title: Chapter 1
Everything doesn't connect very well... It's very "William does this, William does that." Use other nouns and try changing perspective. It feels like you aren't very comfortable or ready for a 3rd person POV. Otherwise, this story has potential and I'm not hating, just giving advice.