Date: 05/02/16 04:29 am Title: The Conception of Everything: An Epilogue
OK, I get it that Janet and the others are evil people. Yes, it's horrible that she experiments like that on her own kid. It's horrible that they conspire to get Jay pregnant. But.. Janet does have a point that Jay wants to become a girl, maybe always did. I imagined myself as Jay, having "she is a young, fertile, horny teen girl" said of me. I can see myself wanting everything, right to the very last line.
Date: 02/03/16 06:52 am Title: The Conception of Everything: An Epilogue
Oh my goodness... This was one of, if not, the wildest rides I've ever been on, or read in this case. The story was superb. Amazing character development, spot on transition, and the perfect amount of support that Jay could ask for! Definitely deserving of a full 5/5 star rating. I enjoyed this story.
Date: 01/30/16 06:49 am Title: The Conception of Everything: An Epilogue
Thank-you for writing this story and most importantly for completing it. It is always great to read a complete story as the author intended it. You have clearly put in tremendous time and energy into this and it deserves recognition. So many stories are left unfinished. You have the basis of a good story, an interesting premise and several potential endings that could have been interesting.
Having said that, there are so many frustrating things about this story. It really seems like a ridiculous erotica story about exploiting children that could have been a whole lot shorter and thats pretty much it. All of the characters appear to be completely one-dimensional. Like cardboard cut outs. They have no depth whatsoever. I feel real angry about Jason's situation, but I have no feelings for Jason, not sad or happy or anything, even though he is the victim of a horrible crime. He doesnt seem like a real person, so nothing to feel anything over. I can't see why anyone would write a story so long without developing the characters.
Having him surrounded by 3 characters who have absolutely no issues with experimenting on someone against their will is really surprising. Doesn't anyone have a conscience in this dimension?
How can Tom say he loves Jason when he is completely fine with turning a guy into a girl against their will? Is he a psychopath? That's not love. Not even in the biggest stretch of the imagination. It's just chemical reactions that will wear off eventually and he will be stuck with a kid he doesnt want. Its all just lust and so so wrong. And then they get married as teenagers? Statistically they would be divorced in a few years because they are so emotionally unstable and he's clearly deranged.
Greg is 1 dimensional, going along with an completely unethical experiment. Not much to mention there.
And the mother is a sorry excuse for a human being. No qualms about experimenting on her son and then when Tom runs away shes gets all protective and threatens to kill Tom and then she physically assaults a teenager and makes him be a teenage father. She is an insane trying to get babies. And the whole basis of the story is about her mind altering research which in reality her research wouldn't be recognised because it was developed through unethical methods. And then she ends up with babies. Those poor children.
I think the whole story would have worked for me better if Tom was tricked into being the girl by Janet and Jason fell in love with his friend over time.
Anyway, keep up with the writing. Like I said, there is a good base story there, just some things that dont make sense to me.
Author's Response: This is actually probably the best review I've read on this story and it's pretty much spot on. I was actually hoping to hear more of these types of opinions. Forgive me if I take some time responding then. Yes, the 4 characters surrounding Jay are mischievous, selfish and even evil. I don't condone their actions but they were, after all, written that way. I wouldn't say they are completely without conscious, they all have some redeemable moments: Janet actually gives some sage advice, Greg tries to be complaint with Jay's needs, Tom is reluctant. Most of this gets trumped however by their desires which push them to do what they do. Yes, Janet (based on a real person) is the worst of the bunch. Cold and motivated to get what she wants regardless of what it takes, even using people as pawns to do so. I don't think she “legitimately” wants to hurt anyone, she believes she knows what's best for people and acts accordingly – consequences be damned. You will see how her ambition changes the opinions of those around her. But Tom saying he loves Jay, how could you not like that part? It's perfect. I never said Tom actually loved Jay, even if he thinks he does (or merely thinks saying it is the right thing to do.) Jay is, after all, a friend he can now have sex with. What about the character of Tom wouldn't “love” that? Doesn't something about him saying he loves her after what he did just rub you the wrong way? Also, I think you have a perfect understanding of the characters, you just don't like them very much (and you shouldn't). It's possible they could have some more depth, I'll admit, but I also challenge you to read for more of the depth that's there. Most specifically look for areas where characters pull away and things don't go exactly as Janet may have wanted. I will admit Jay is underwritten however. Jay is sort of this hapless victim of circumstance and at the end of the story your feelings should be mixed with how things turned out for her. I wrote it this way intentionally but I do realize this leaves the story without a strong protagonist. Oh well, I didn't really want their to be one, the reader is really the protagonist in the story and the outrage and introspection happens off-page.
Date: 01/29/16 06:07 pm Title: The Call
I am getting involved and enjoying this story. However, I am also frustrated by the numerous instances where characters are misidentified. In some cases Tom is called Jason and Jason is called Tom. In one case above, Janet is actually called Tom. e.g. "...Tom had fed her son..."
Author's Response: Appreciate the spot check. I think I pulled a few pages from an earlier version so there might be some other issues. I'll probably take a look at it again over the weekend.
Date: 01/29/16 09:04 am Title: The Cousin
Umm... why does it go italics suddenly and stick that way?
Author's Response: Fixed. A fun note for any of you looking to write for a site like this is, if you want to use "dynamic" text like italics, often you can't just upload your final Word doc copy. For TGS specifically, I had to go back and manually add italics. Somewhere I missed a "/" in the command.