Date: 11/04/19 10:16 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Not going to lie, this story is fucked up in more ways than one. Pun intended. I would say that the story itself is great as a fun and a bit different type of story compared to some others and possibly for certain readers with specific kinks. I mean Ashton is clearly not so intelligent and so he keeps landing in shit. The sex scenes are painted, however, very hotly. The story was quite enjoyable, although I do have to say: What a tease! You built up the story quite good in a way that many more things could have happened. It was developed quite deeply. Even though the loose ends are tied up in the end, the story could have gone on, but you just ended it. Overall I enjoyed it and would love to see a sequel to this story perhaps.
Date: 05/24/19 04:49 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Joe, I don't want to leave it like that. You've put a lot of effort into building a story for us to read (for free), and you deserve a more detailed critique.
It all boils down to this - what does your reader want to see? What do they want to see happen to your main character? Based on the story you've written, you believe the reader just wants to see a random, meaningless person whose actions & personality are irrelevant get fucked by dogs against their will.
I'm sure there's a market for that. However, I assert to you that there is a much wider market consisting of readers who would like to see some logical connection between the main character's choices and what they experience. In other words, Ashton did absolutely nothing to deserve the horror you subjected him to. Nothing at all. If you're going to rape and dogfuck your main character, please try to at least invent a plausible excuse for why they deserved that horrible fate.
I gave you 2 stars for level of effort. The end result was very bad, but you tried hard, so there's that.
Date: 08/16/17 02:59 am Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Now that it's done, i have to say my opinion hasn't really changed. It was great as porn, but as a story...not so much. The ending cements this. Also not a big fan of beastiality.
Still, i wont be too harsh. Keep working hard. If you want to write just erotica, stick to that. But for things to work as a story, it needs improvement.
Author's Response: Yeah, that's all fair criticism. I'll say that it really was the first time I'd tried writing something in a moderately long form, and I had no clear idea of the story as a whole when I started it. I probably will mostly be sticking to erotica, with not enough time in my life for more detailed storytelling, I just like to put enough of a story around the sexy bits to make the whole thing readable. I think I managed that quite well, but I'm also aware that this site has a lot of people much more dedicated to in-depth, well thought out stories and well done to them for that! I'm just sticking to smut for now.
Date: 08/15/17 05:26 pm Title: Outpatients, or, Out of patience
Thank you Joe for the final update and this was awesome story. 😻😘 Write many more awesome stuff
Author's Response: Thank you for the great encouragement all the way through! And I am definitely planning on writing more...
Date: 05/08/17 07:55 pm Title: A load of bull
I know to each their own, so please take this with a grain of salt and consider this only from how it compares to your personal preferences. All in all, it's a well thought out story with a good plot and a true potential that is not that far off with modern tech. I really wanted to like this story: the mental stress of completely changing your perspective, the questions as to how you could be you if everything tells you differently, how the psyche could change based on physical input, the intrigue of who is behind it all. All excellent narratives and well that together. In addition, artwork is done with detail in mind to coincide with the narrative and reinforce description.
Unfortunately, my perv is not all your perv. I just can't get into the hentai animal aspects. You had me with the gender flip, you intrigued me with the tech, you enticed me with the amorous sex scenes, even the objectification, but the animals; just can't stick through that. I might skim later chapters in hopes you get past it, but for now I'll let you go your way.
Thank you just the same for sharing,
Author's Response: Hmm, well, thank you for reading the story and giving it a go at least. I readily admit that some parts of the story aren't for everybody, and don't take offence to you disliking it. The animal parts may die down in later chapters (and I'll always declare beast content at the beginning), so I hope you can still enjoy some of what is to come!
Date: 03/03/17 03:23 am Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Great story so far, the renderings make it better too. Have you thought about going a comic version in the future? I'm sure that would take much more time though in rendering. Also do you have an update on the next chapter's release date?
Date: 03/02/17 03:11 am Title: Money, apparently, is everything
I like the story but I think it is time for Ashton to have a bit of a reset and go down a different depraved direction.
The bit in chapter 6 where the technicians were talking and Miranda said Ashton was sent back to Morn was confusing - it didn't seem like he was actually sent back? Was she lying?
I like the renders. My two favorites were the initial elf one at the start of chapter 6 and the full body shot of the elf princess cuntface.
Author's Response: I'm glad you like the story so far! I still haven't made all of my story decisions yet, but I think we've got a few more chapters remaining yet. Hopefully you'll enjoy what I end up releasing! In Chapter 6, it's meant to be a bit of a time lag, as the technicians are talking after work. When Miranda looked at the system, Ashton was in Morn, but then left afterwards. And thank you for you opinion on the renders, I liked those ones as well!
Date: 01/14/17 10:32 pm Title: What's in a Name?
Love the new chapter, this is one of my favourite stories got all the kinky stuff i love and can't find any stories like this with monsters sex. I had idea for a chapter, maybe she might be a horses or giants cock cozy for a bit :-P
Date: 01/02/17 03:32 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Just wanted to say I love your stories here and your games on TFGamessite Joe! Keep it up. In regard to the story development mentioned below, I think the way it is is great for the serial format this is in as when things get worse is when the story is at its best. Looking forward to future chapters of this and your RPGMaker game in the same universe. Happy new year!
Date: 01/01/17 09:10 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
You're interested? Oh, mostly people just tell me to go away. Well, i'll tell.
The thing is that your hero had things bad, and then they just get worse and worse. Even when things seem like they're getting better, it gets worse instead. Things getting worse is not bad for a story, but the reader quickly adapts to the downward slope, and the bad things no longer shock them. It is sadly a common storytelling pitfall.
Have some genuinely good things happen to your character, and don't take them away right away or makenthem backfire. This will keep us quessing, and will not make us think you're just picking on the hero. Also having the character not get sad from the bad treatment she gets, even if it is just a game hurts believability.
That is, unless you just want to make porn erotica, and the story is not that important. In which case, keep doing you. Nothing wrong with that, the sex scenes are hot.
Author's Response: Thank you, and I'm always open to constructive criticism! And I get your point, really I do, in that the plot is rather weak in points. I think a lot of stories (especially on this site) either focus on plot or p***. I tried to do both, but fell down on the plot a bit? I do feel like my HTML games on TFGamesSite do it a bit better, but I've had a lot more practise with them, Total Immersion is my first typical story style work. It might be a bit too late to build this story up, but I will definitely keep your critique in mind for future works!
Date: 08/23/16 02:38 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Poor Ashton! Love the story, keep it up. I'm eagerly awaiting the chapter where Ashton stops being the victim and becomes a more active participant - but don't feel as if though that has to happen too soon ^^
Date: 07/29/16 10:46 pm Title: Fleshlights have feelings too!
Nice! Can't wait to read more! Glad she's away from that orc. Opens up to what advebtures await poor ashton the slut. And if getting the enchantment for birth control is so hard then soon enough she's going to get impregnated in no time.
Date: 07/02/16 06:50 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Not going to write something long since the story isn't finished yet but I really like what I've seen so far! The MMO stuff isn't obnoxious, the main character is fun to follow and the sex scenes is something not many others on this site do.
I hope the events of this chapter don't preclude the pregnancy tag haha.
Date: 01/28/16 09:51 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Please please please please continue this!
I didn't really check the author, but when you said you were the same as from TFGS, I went to search what games you made. Funny enough, 2 of them are in my personal top :)
Back to this story, I really like gaming/VR so that's a definite plus! Also you made quite the interesting situations in this story, unique even. Also spelling and grammar are really fluent!
I really want you to continue this because I'm really curious to future releases!
Date: 01/24/16 06:19 am Title: Completely skipping the frying pan
Maybe she should learn to be a little more stealthy and observant. She is a elvish thief after all.
Anyway this game sounds great, (if somewhat perverted) where do I sign up? Even if I have to play as a vindictive goth loli.
Date: 01/20/16 05:43 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Looking good. I've played and enjoyed your games too. Really awesome stuff! Personally I'm hoping for 'total immersion' as a seductress. I'm really really interested in what traits/perks she develops!
Thanks for this, looking forward to more.
Date: 01/19/16 12:48 pm Title: Money, apparently, is everything
I've no problem extreme. I've read some pretty crazy stuff. The problem is basically bimbos and sex slaves. I really don't like bimbos.
Author's Response: **Minor Spoilers** Oh, if you're not keen on bimbos then this won't be too bad then - there may be other characters who experience bimbo TFs, but the main character will keep their intelligence. Sex slavery will happen, but probably only briefly.
Date: 01/19/16 05:27 am Title: Money, apparently, is everything
I can already see where this is going.
You said he was sexist, but I didn't see anything to suggest that. That girl acts like a bitch and is then surprised when people turn hostile, even punishing strangers for imagined slights.
Also I don't think he's unlucky, from what I've read he's likely just dumb. That's the feeling I'm getting. He didn't have any patience and skimmed the email. If that's the case then he probably didn't even read those contracts he signed. All in all he's a nice, dumb guy with a short temper.
From your story tags this doesn't look like a story I'd enjoy. Everything is set up to go in one directions, one that I usually avoid. I gave it a chance, however, because of the video game aspect. I'll still continue reading and see how it goes.
It's a very weird how easily she accepts sucking that guy off. Even if it's a game it still feels real. I doubt Bianca did anything to influence his mind given how simple the character creation menu was. Is she just easily coerced?
You're a good writer. I was a little confused with the gaming in other people's bodies part, but that's about it. Everything else is clear and you've kept the story moving at a good pace, not getting bogged down trying to explain everything before we can get to the story.
Author's Response: In my defence, I did say that "...a little more sexist than most of his peers, it was more due to ignorance than anything...". I do see your point clearly though, and I very much appreciate the critique! From your comment, I can agree that this might well be a story which you would avoid, it will be going in quite an 'extreme' direction - but that's down to personal preference I'm sure. I hope to explain some of your other criticisms in later chapters, but thank you for the thorough review!
Date: 01/18/16 10:06 am Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Fun story so far.
It strikes me that Ash really doesn't have much of an adventurer mentality, so he's really only got himself to blame.
Bucking to uppity innkeepers and losing out on a whole day of adventure and experience? Deciding not to go out into the dangerous evening and rather staying in the safe inn? Even when he can't die for real?
These are like exactly the things that define a peasant (or NPC at least) from a heroic character.
Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the feedback! I do see your comment about not having an adventurer mentality - I'll be trying to address that sort of thing more in subsequent chapters.
Date: 01/18/16 07:34 am Title: Money, apparently, is everything
Off to an excellent start! Based on the story description there's more transformations on the way which is very exciting. Perfect grammar, character development, fantastic chapter length; off to a great start and I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Thank you very much, I'm really glad you're enjoying it so far! And you are correct in expecting more transformations - remember that a character can develops more traits through their actions......