Date: 07/13/15 08:25 pm Title: Conviction
Would it be weird to say I still have days that make ending it all seem like a viable option? I know its the wrong idea for me - I have so much I want to do - but sometimes the weight of all the stress on me, and the problems I'm dealing with seem so damn big its like letting it all go would just bring relief - not an end.
In the end, I came to realize that I was wrong - all it would do is bring an end - and not a good one. The problem is, that it seems so damn seductive... just one step too far, just one pill too many, and all your worries are over. Like a rest at the end of a long trip, or the way pain goes away when a wound is finally healed.
It's too easy - and usually what's easy, isn't worth getting. I decided to try the hard road - and so far I haven't been disappointed - but the siren call of my dark thoughts brings me back and back again, and I keep having to decide to choose life instead of annihilation. I wonder sometimes if I can keep making that decision, or if one day I'll make the wrong decision.
Person42, I really felt deeply about what you wrote - and although I did write what I said to cheer you up, I also said it to let you know I think I know how you feel - and also to know you're not alone in suffering. I'll bet a lot of us here have been where you and I are or were. Things get better (even if they don't seem like they will) - and nothing stays the same forever.
If you want to talk or converse via email, feel free to write me. firstname.lastname@example.org
Author's Response: I'm glad my words could resonate so deeply with you. I might just send you an email one of these days to talk, but there's no guarantee since I'm a rather shy person. I do know what you mean when you say that there are times where ending it seems like a better idea than usual, and I would guess that you do know how I feel, and it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
Date: 07/13/15 09:12 am Title: Conviction
I just read this, Person42. I liked your comments in my "What do you want it to say on your Tombsone" discussion forum better. Take all "life" with a dose of humor. I'm 64 now. And I'm still not sure how and when I reached this age, but now that I'm here I'm well aware that there are fewer years ahead than behind. It's just a life, man. It'll be over before you know it. Have I really lived this life? No. I haven't. I missed most of it, hiding, letting time pass, as if one in prison just trying to do my time and be done with this whole "life." You read my epitatphs, Go back and reread the first three. I wrote them one year more than a decade ago on my birthday. The best of the three? "Well, thank god that's over with." As with most of my birthdays I cried that day as I wrote them. I usually end up crying every birthday. I'll probably die alone at the rate I'm going. How much of this dismal outlook on life is because I was not born in a gender body that my brain was programmed to see and "like?" My stories reflect the fact that I would love to transcend all of corporeal existence and never have to be bothered with bring human again. If anything else for that reason, however much I look at myself and wish I looked and felt even more like the opposite gender, I realize that for at least for me, the opposite sex would only be like adding a spoonful of sugar to a mug of tea. The life would go down better. But for me it isn't the gender, not really. I doubt for me I can really wrap my head around the thought of being such a lowly lifeform as an corporeal earth creature. But you have my sympathies man. Feel better. Reread the Tombstones on my discussion page. Might make you smile at any rate. This reality is not worth doing oneself in over. But that said, I'll still be glad when this lifetime is finally over.
Author's Response: On that forum I wasn't all that concerned with life, I'm usually not. But then it catches up and things like this story happen. I certainly agree with what you're saying, though! I'm not too verbose (not nearly as much as you) when it comes to reviews and responses, at least, but it's wonderful to hear everything from everyone who reviews. I'll give the discussion a looko again, perhaps I'll even add to it
Date: 07/12/15 07:04 pm Title: Conviction
very touching. you are a lot braver then me, who doesnt even have the courage to tell anyone that i feel wrong in my body.
Author's Response: Don't get me wrong, it took me five years to reveal it to two people. And it's been three years and I've done very little since then. I'm glad you found it touching, and I hope you manage to work up the courage like I did
Date: 07/12/15 05:10 pm Title: Conviction
Well, hopefully the "reviews" have helped to at least partially restore your faith in humanity and in yourself :) Good luck moving forward with whatever you decide to pursue in life in general.
Author's Response: Thank you, and they have...
Date: 07/12/15 04:16 pm Title: Conviction
I'm not sure if I've read any of your stories before, since I lose track quite easily, but I read this one and felt like I had something to offer by replying, even if it's not much.
I'm not going to pretend to know exactly what you're going through, how could I when we're two different people? But I have gone through depression myself and briefly, but never seriously, thought about suicide. I myself am genderfluid and kept it secret for several years until I felt I had to come out about it to my parents and sister, and a few other friends and family members. This was incredibly difficult, as I'm sure it was for you too when you came out about your gender identity, but over time I've just sorta not brought it up again, similar to you. Nothing's really changed cause I simply can't put my family through the stress of it all, with my mother having cancer and my dad working 8 hours + driving time Mon-Fri. I'm hoping that I'll have the courage to step out of my comfort zone and be myself when I go to university in a few months though, no matter how terrifying it may be. If I continue to pretend, I'm just letting "them" control me, and I don't wanna be controlled. I wanna be me. And I imagine you wanna be you too.
I'm glad that you decided to put pen to paper (or keyboard to monitor?) And record what you were feeling for us all to see. I found that trying to explain how I was feeling to others helped me process how I was actually feeling a lot easier, instead of going round in circles as I usually do. I hope sharing this helped you in the same way.
Anyway, if you ever want someone to talk to, or unload on, you can always email me at email@example.com, or, if you're confident enough, in on Skype as stephenpatmore141, and we can just text chat, or voice chat with webcams off, it's entirely up to you depending on what you're comfortable with, if you wanna talk at all.
Just know that I'm here and happy to help.
And remember, don't give up so easily! That'd be letting "them" win!
As the great Shia LaBeouf once said, "If you're tired of quitting, then stop giving up." ;)
Author's Response: Thank you so much. It's different for all of us, I know, but on some level many of us can relate. It's wonderful knowing there are others out there who would help out somebody like me without knowing me, or even needing to know me. It helps a lot, and I'm honored so many people are like that and are willing to help me. I don't know if I'll send an email, but I'll certainly keep it in mind!
Date: 07/12/15 10:47 am Title: Conviction
On the bright side, saw the reference, but I was interested in the story more than I was in the references.
You know, I understand (at least I think I do). I don't know how long it's been, how long I felt since I thought something was wrong, but I also don't have anyone to really talk to in the end. At least here there are people feel the same. I know about thinking about committing suicide. Though I'm not sure I have the family and friends to fall back on as I wish I had.
In the reviews though? Why don't you write something? Why don't you get help? I get asked and ask myself. I'm scared, scared of killing myself and writing about myself. It's a big driving force as to why I write. The greater my imagination the more worlds I can craft that I once thought about. My mind is a torrent of strange thoughts, ideas which I want to share, but fear the thoughts of other should I share them.
I'm not sure if it's right to say, I know or I understand even though I said that above. But most of all, I've had thoughts of suicide and had my time for tears and whatever, but I'll keep writing because it's a driving force. It keeps me alive as I hope that you reading my writing and those who care about you keep you alive.
You can always email me if you need to talk to someone, or at least someone who might kind of understand. My personal email is connected to the site, so if you just need one more person, or even just to talk to me about a story or something, I'm here. Yes in a different time zone, but I'm here.
Author's Response: Thank you. I don't know if I'll send you an email because of my too shy nature, but it's so nice to know I have the option. Things are no doubt getting better now, but if they get worse you might see it in the form of me rereading pretty much everything again and not writing. And I figured you'd get at least one of the three references. Life's a pain, but here's to hoping it starts being less of a pain soon enough
Date: 07/12/15 09:21 am Title: Conviction
Thank you for writing this, Person42 - it must have been really, really hard to put on paper. I've felt very close to how you feel in the past, and I'm glad you made the choice to live. It's so hard trying to live without worry about what other people think - we're hard-wired to be pack animals as humans - and its so hard to pick life when suicide is so damn easy. Thank you. You have people that care about you - some you may not even know about. You deserve to be loved. You are a person...
Author's Response: Thank you. You may or may not know how much it means to me you went through the little trouble of saying that, but it helps.