Date: 08/23/15 04:32 pm Title: Entry 1: Flight
I. Constructive criticism -- suggestions/recommendations.
+Four of the first paragraphs six total sentences start off with "The": "The faint hum", "The cocktail", "The light." I think you should consider trying to re-word/re-work some of those.
+The first three sentences of paragraph five begin with "He." Five of the first seven sentences in paragraph five begin with "He." Like too many sentence beginning with "The" in the first paragraph, I think re-wording/re-working a few of those sentences will make for a more enjoyable read.
+You waited until the eighth paragraph to name the protagonist, Peter. Was this intentional? The way the story began I thought that perhaps the identity of the protagonist might have a special importance and be withheld for drama/surprise value/etc. Some other characters were named three paragraphs before Peter which sort of raised my expectations that his name might be held back for a reason.
+For what it's worth if there isn't a reason for waiting so long to disclose his name, it will make it easier to break up all the "He's" in paragraph five.
+The first sentence is really good and works to draw the reader in. At least it did for me. :) Good first sentences can be really hard to write and this one is very good.
+The fourth paragraph being a single sentence is nice. It helps create drama and tension.
+You did a really nice job of integrating information about the world into the action taking place at the beginning of the story. A reader new to BNW will begin to get a taste of that world, and a reader who is already familiar with BNW is getting reminders of characters and features (super healing) that make up that universe. Often writers will begin the narrative of the present story and then switch to a few paragraphs explaining the universe before going back to the story. You avoided that and this flows together very nicely.
+I enjoyed reading it and look forward to your next update to this.
Author's Response: I. I have so many things on my plate right now that, since Feet isn't horribly important to the main storyline of BNW, I probably won't do anything with it. I may come back and edit it when I have some projects cleared off. Thanks for the feedback on it though.
II. That was intentional. Since the character is from the first BNW story, I wanted to show his character growth before naming him to avoid people making assumptions about him. I also felt that having just a little bit of mystery as to the viewpoint character's identity would help to set the mood of the scene. And finally, as Feet is Peter's superhero/Chosen name, it was in the title. This story is primarily intended for readers of BNW to have a link from Brave New World to Old Friends (where Peter is a main character). It is somewhat assumed that it's Peter.
III. Thanks for the complements
Date: 01/29/15 03:39 am Title: Entry 1: Flight
Oh this will be an intresting story ive been following b.n.w. A while now my only question is if this is cannon? If not who cares anyway. Good story.
Author's Response: OMG thanks for the review! I absolutely love getting reviews, so if you were ever wondering how to make me a super happy camper, this is it. And, to answer your question, yes. Everything in The Missing Months is canon. All of this actually happened to Peter.