Date: 03/30/15 08:58 pm Title: Chapter 5: The Angel With Crimson Wings
this is the best chapter so far incredible fight Incredible flow of the story I'm so in suspense waiting for the next chapter
Author's Response: Awh shucks, thank you! I was actually taking a break from writing on these 3 stories because I was beginning to question where they were going and if they were really what I wanted them to be. It may be a bit longer before they are updated. I'm terribly sorry, I hate it when people stop writing their stories but I'm a hypocrite so, hahaha sorry ^^
Date: 03/28/15 06:47 pm Title: Chapter 5: The Angel With Crimson Wings
I like this chapter, just a few more corrections and it could make 5 stars in my opinion! Are you considering of having Lyle try to advance back up to get not only catch up to her but try to get revenge as well?... Or what?
Author's Response: Haven't really put much thought into it yet really. But you've got me thinking about that. Guess you'll just have to wait and see ;)
Date: 03/28/15 01:15 pm Title: Chapter 5: The Angel With Crimson Wings
Very well done and awesome Fight amazing chapter loving it 5 stars 😍😘👏👏
Author's Response: 5 stars?! *blushes* Too kind, too kind. There should be plenty of fighting to come so stay tuned (warning I have been rather slow with updates lately.)
Date: 03/28/15 11:53 am Title: Chapter 5: The Angel With Crimson Wings
Oh, cliffhanger, how I hate you. Loving the story, exciting battle!
Author's Response: Haha I haven't made too many cliffhangers but they are nice to have for certain occasions. I'm glad I was able to deliver on the battle. I was really torn about writing it because it's one of those things that can be very delicate. Too much detail and it seems to slow down the action and lack urgency, too little detail and the reader has no idea what's going on. Glad your enjoying it. This story is currently my favorite from a writing perspective..
Date: 03/07/15 12:09 pm Title: Chapter 4: The Dark Horse
Oh, I can't wait for the next chapter! All or nothing... should be exciting! I hope she gets the hang of that gun, though...
Author's Response: That would definitely be interesting. Can't wait to implement something like that into a fight but I felt like it would just be too OP too let her have everything right off the bat ya know? Gotta have some sort of room for growth haha
Date: 01/07/15 12:02 am Title: Chapter 1: Death
What I ment by playing with time is something you have already done. When walking through heaven with Ange you mentioned them not knowing if it was minutes hours or days. A timeless bit. Dropping similar references during the next two months of training to be a general would seem appropriate. Though just an opinion, I can also see the complexities that can develope in messing with time and trying to keep things straight.
ACDC has a good point though about common knowledge religion being something that most of your readers will already have set beliefs about God, heaven and angels. While being light on describing heaven and God does let the reader fill in the blanks from what we grew up with. This also means if you don't mention a variation on these beliefs the reader will fill in the rest with what they have been told. You are off to a good start, but remember you are using a subject that almost every single person on earth already has a strong opinion of. I am sure most here will be forgiving of fictional alterations, just make sure to show us the alterations so we can see what you intend.
This seemed garbled to me. If it is for you too, I appologise. My brain gets a bit fuzzy at times.
Author's Response: No worries, I'm currently running a fever so everything is garbled to me xD haha but I understood what you meant. I like to comment on all of the points that a reviewer leaves but I didn't really know what to say so I kinda threw something down half heartedly (my apologies). And I considered that approach but like you said, it would be very difficult to keep things from becoming confusing when toying with time in a story. That is a very good point though regarding ACDC's review... Off the top of my head I believe that throughout the next few chapters I start to provide a bit of an explanation on how things work so hopefully it will help clear things up a bit. Having the story go from what it was in the first chapter to completely turning it on it's head in the second chapter proved a bit of a challenge for me. I didn't want to spend an entire chapter laying out all of this information and just boring the reader and have nothing happened which. I find that just having a MC lay out all the facts at one time and just say here is what's what doesn't make for very good story telling. So I wanted to take an approach where our MC slowly starts to figure things out at which time the reader does as well. I'm just repeating myself at this point and I think I'm kind of dancing around the point you guys are trying to make. Though I do understand what y'all are saying and I'm taking a second look at the next few chapters to try and solve a few issues. Also on one last note since you brought up ACDC, and I don't believe I can edit my response to him, I had a bit of a brain fart and didn't double space the paragraphs so sorry for the 50 line paragraph...
Date: 01/06/15 04:00 am Title: Chapter 2: Father's Deal
WHAAAAAAT! JESUS FUCKING POOPY CHRIST! WHAAAAT! By any reasons the story it's not bad. But fuck dude, fuck. Okay, I'll tell you what I think later on in the review, so bare with me please and you'll see what I mean. Your story is great, I'll start with that. Has very good characters (?), the theme is quite of my liking, and the change, to be fair, is quite good and very original. There is however, A LOT you'd have to work on to improve it.
Like I mentioned, characters are good and quite of my liking, they vary in their personalities and actions. However, How-fucking-ever, you have to seriously work on his interactions, and on their dialogue. They express themselves as if muppets were talking. There are almost not any type of recognition of what they do. The story is filled with dialogue, FILLED, most of it consists of dialogue after dialogue, so on, so on, so on. This, and the little issue with characters, made for me the experience a little boring. I didn't feel immerse in the story since most of it consists of what the characters say.
All of this crashes heavily, rather abruptly, with the lack of descriptions in the whole story. You have to tell us the way things are happening, and where. By experience I know that you picture the whole thing in your head. But we don't, unless we are Xavier we have no idea of what is happening in that little (or big) head of yours. Hence the whole process of making the story kind of boring. Maybe you understand it if I say it like this: 'It looks like a movie without the picture.' We know what is going on thanks to the character, but we don't know how it looks! Take advantage that your writing! Take as many words as you need to express whatever is in your mind! The length is already quite good, but the more details you put in the story the better.
Grammar-wise it's not bad either. I do recommend you to re-read your whole thing before posting it. The mistakes are very simple and very, very silly. I call them: missclicks 'An accidental move of the finger, that provokes an slight alteration of a piece of text.' Just re-read the whole thing and you'll see it. It sounds a bit tedious, but look at the bright side! You might want to alter something if you don't like it.
Now, this is my personal opinion and all, the rating will not be affected of what I say from now on. And I don't mean, in any way to offend you. Sigh* Let's get it over with. I live in a country that is very religious, and even if I consider myself an atheist, I couldn't come across my living without having to learn the religion. Us mexicans (wooo) can't escape from the tsunami of catholic content. And I HAVE to point out the amount of mistakes you'd made throughout your story, not mistakes, more like things that not make a lot of sense in the religion in which "God" is the ultimate god.
First of all, he the almighty, brings destruction among us just because we are shitty human beings? Not denying the second part, there are far more horrid people than good ones. But, things quite got stablished that he wouldn't do anything like that, after the whole "Gotta catch them all" scheme that Noah pulled off. It was even sealed with a rainbow! :D You could work different here, rather than being something that God did, what if it was actually the actual apocalypse and well, even if it is, that at least makes a little more sense.
I won't bother you with this, only 2 little more details and this nitpicking goblin will go back to his cave. Humans and angels are 2 completely different things. Like seriously different. Angels are sort of made for us, assisting us, etc, (They're our bitches [Say whaaaaaaat]) A human can't become an angel. And, we pretty much wouldn't feel any sort of misery and pain of the people below us. Somehow emotions are gone up there, and puff! You turn into an asshole. I know that's one of the character traits of Kasper, he being some sort of in the middle. He still holds remorse and such against us people in the shithole, so he'll do everything he cans so that his family get saved...
Why doesn't GOD know of all of this!? Because come-fucking-on! He knows everything! He's called god almighty because of that! No one gets that title for being the best at cooking pancakes! And this is where the story is sort of ruined for me. He knows what had happen and what will happen. So I find it pretty illogical that he lets Kasper roam around plotting how he will not do what God will command him to do. You get what I mean? I hope, and I do hope that I get some sort of answer in any way possible. I don't mean to be mean, but, could I get some sort of answer of this?
Briefly the story is good, very fucking good, some minor errors and a lot of things that could be improve for it to have more enjoyment. I hope you didn't get offended, and I hope that you keep it up! :)
P.S. I would give the story 3.5 stars, but since I'm not an asshole and the site doesn't let me rate it that way anymore, I think a 4 would clear things up. Have a good day!
Author's Response: To start, don't worry I took no offence to your review, this is kinda what they are meant for right? To help writers become better through criticism and allow readers to let the writer know how they feel about the story. Now, regarding the whole religion aspect of your review. The whole god and heaven and blah blah of the story isn't based on any actual religion since I lead a fairly agnostic lifestyle. While The common picture of God is an all-mighty can do anything, knows everything being. That's not who he is in this story. I like to think that as humans we make mistakes throughout our lives, and I like to think that God isn't exempt from making mistakes. he's more of a 'God is in our image' rather than 'we are in God's image'. He's not perfect as a person, just incredibly powerful. The primary reason that God is like this is because, well, there wouldn't be a story if God was almighty invincible and all knowing. So to kind of sum that up, you can't use common knowledge of religion to guide your thoughts on the ways of the world in this story because well, it works entirely different. And I realized that I already "summarized" what I said but after rereading your review I wanted to revise that summary. In short, This God is not The Ultimate God, he has flaws. The whole Angel aspect of the story. (Again disregarding common religious philosophies), When humans die they go to Heaven or to Hell for X amount of time depending on how good of a person or how bad of a person they are. They are then sent to "The Abyss" (which you'll get some more information on shortly I believe.), and are then reborn on Earth. I realize that this is A LOT of information that I left out about this world but I couldn't find any solid way to include this amount of information without adding in more dialogue and dragging things out even further. As for the description aspect of your review. I realize that I was heavily lacking in description. But, then again if we were to imagine what heaven looks like, I would imagine that we would all have drastically different ideas. Also God, I didn't describe how he looks, why? Well for the same reason, Is it 50 feet tall and Zeus like? Or would we see a reflection of ourselves? Or perhaps something entirely different. I wanted to leave those things up to the readers imagination. I wanted them to imagine their own vision of heaven, or their own idea of how God and Heaven appear. I'm rethinking this approach after your review though, I can understand how that would be bothersome, though when reading I sometimes get the feeling that too much description can be overbearing, so I guess I need to find the happy medium. Interaction and Dialogue... Hmmm... Is it a dialogue heavy chapter? Hahahahahaha yeah...... I'm sorry about that, but in my mind Kasper is in a bit of shock. I mean, if I "woke up dead" I would be too! He has a lot of questions and even now he is still unsatisfied with the answers he has received. God gave vague answers. God from Kasper's perspective is not the good guy. Right now he's the villain, he isn't telling the whole story, and his reasoning for destroying Humanity may or may not be "because we are s***** human beings...". There is a lot going on right now that is still unknown to Kasper and therefore to the reader. While I have no experience in changing perspectives from character to character, I have been debating on adding a chapter or two where that happens (still up for debate). As for the 'misclicks' and grammar issues and what not that seem to often accompany my writing. The high school I went to was a nationally ranked one though it prioritized math and sciences so our English department was rather lacking. And yes I will admit to often sleeping during class, okay I slept during English almost every day. So, while I won't go as far as to say that I'm somewhat ignorant to most grammar issues, I will say that my grammar skills aren't topnotch. In fact I reread the second chapter 3 or 4 times and made various changes and checked for spelling mistakes and such. To the extent of my knowledge that's the best I can do *proceeds to make goofy embarrassed face* I think I covered everything.... I'm glad you are enjoying the story, and I will do my best to try and work on what you've pointed out to me. Originally when I saw the length of your review I was quite nervous about reading it haha but it is actually very helpful. Thank you for your review, and I hope I can continue to pique your interests with the story (:
Date: 01/06/15 12:15 am Title: Chapter 2: Father's Deal
Oh, wow. Alright... I wonder where this is going! Nice start, though the spelling errors are a bit annoying. Did you type this fast? It seems like it.
Author's Response: AGH! Person42 Dx I can never tell what your thinking from your reviews. And yes I have a habit of typing quickly and to throw in an additional excuse I recently got a new keyboard which is slightly more compact than my old one so I'm still trying to get used to it.
Date: 01/05/15 11:02 pm Title: Chapter 2: Father's Deal
A very interesting look at Armageddon. Two months to become a General? (Something similar to an Arch Angel?) Seems a bit brief but you kinda touched on the timelessness of heaven and eternity. I heard a saying once "A day for God is as a thousand years on earth." Perhaps this timelessness could work the other way as well? Two months on earth being a few years to several millennium in heaven?
This story does look very interesting, though I do hope some time you can continue the other two you have as well!
Author's Response: Yeah I am hoping to pick The Phantoms back up, though I am probably the world's biggest hypocrite. MY first thought when I decided to post a story was "Okay, I hate when people start multiple stories before finishing the first, and I hate when a story never gets finished. I WILL NOT be and author that does that." Aaaaandd look what I did... Oopsies... Hahaha I've also heard the saying "A day for God is a thousand years on earth." but sadly I don't think the story will be that long ^.^ If only right? Would be awesome to write something that long that continues to hold a readers interest.
Date: 01/01/15 08:02 pm Title: Chapter 1: Death
Incredible story, love the flow and the plot. Please continue this.
Author's Response: Thanks, I was quite proud of this chapter ^^ I had the second chapter written along with this chapter but when I went to do some proofreading tonight its gone so it looks like I didn't save D: woops...