Date: 08/18/18 02:17 pm Title: You'll Need To Speak To Cthulhu
I really like the story and your style of writing. I know it's a long shot, but I really hope you find some way to continue this story. In the meantime I will read the other stories you have published. Thank you.
BTW, I'm from Michigan, and we know pasties :)
Author's Response: It's been on my mind for years. I've turned into one of those writers. You know the type; Writes something you really enjoy and then disappears off the face of the earth right at the good part.(usually a cliffhanger. ) The reasons I haven't finished is: 1. class started up so my free time was limited. 2. The guy helping me edit this turned into one of those and stopped responding to my emails. (you know the type. They help you edit your story then they disappear off the face of the earth right in the middle of critiquing your word choice) 3. I kinda wrote myself into a corner. This whole thing was made up as I went along with no thought as to what will happen at the end. The end I was planning (when I finally reached that point) would have made no sense at all. So if I do continue then it'll probably be a complete rewrite with proper planning. Which may change the entire feel of the story since I don't think I'm the same person I was when I wrote this. I've got another story rattling around in my head which I want to get out of the way first. But I'm eager to try to finish this up. The writing software is open on my computer right now. (ready for a big 'ol procrastinate)but first I need to finish crocheting this jolteon and maybe consider studying for my microbiological test. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Also I'm writing this on mobile so apologies for any errors.
Date: 12/11/16 06:30 am Title: My brother sucks
Hi. I just read this and enjoyed it.
Don't worry about plot holes. Most important is how consistent the story is.
Author's Response: I have some free time right now. I think it's time to take another look at finishing this.
Date: 07/29/16 11:38 pm Title: You'll Need To Speak To Cthulhu
light stories like these are a nice change of pace from the bulk of the stories here. Eminently readable! But it's crying out to be finished.
Author's Response: I spent about a week trying to figure out a way to finish after writing myself into a corner, but nothing came to mind that didn't spawn a dozen plot holes. When I do pick up the pen again (keyboard) it'll have to be a major rewrite. It always bugged me when writers leave their work unfinished and yet I did the same thing. I need to fix that. Now, I have to reread the whole story a few times (shudders)
Date: 07/02/15 07:51 pm Title: You'll Need To Speak To Cthulhu
This is funny while being interesting at the same time. Mom's manic treatment of her new daughters, Mili's morose and not so willing acceptance and Ari's acerbic thoughts and comments about things make for a really entertaining story. Then there's Dad who is kind of 'Oh well' about betting his first born child against a coke. This story is insane and I love it.
Author's Response: In that case I should finish it up soon. School and then getting a job afterwards has sapped most of my creative juices. But I'm on break now, so expect an update in a couple of days at the earliest. Thanks for reading.
Date: 01/09/15 06:24 pm Title: My brother sucks
This story made me cackle madly. Your sense of humor is right up my alley. I adore this matter-of-fact way everyone deals with this demented world you're setting up.
You've done a great job with the voice of the protagonist - his narration just drips with exhasperation for the situation he finds himself in but he's doing the best he can. A well-drawn sympathetic character. The mother character is amusing, but should never have been allowed near children. Or adults. Heck, let's expand it to encompass sentient beings in general.
That is also where my one criticism comes from - the emotional beats with the mother feel unearned and ring untrue. She works as an over-the-top comedic sociopath, not so much as a loving mother. This section here...
I never heard her move, but she must have been there the entire time. She sat on the ground behind me and wrapped her arms around my body, pulling my close, deep into her bosom. I felt her comforting warmth envelop me and I couldn’t hold back the weeping any longer. I let it all out, crying properly for the first time since I was a little boy. My mother’s embrace brought back happy memories. She used to do it all the time, but my brother and I changed, she didn’t though, remaining the same old mom.
She must have held me for a long time, until I fell asleep, all cried out. I woke up in bed, her bed, with her sleeping next to me. It was still dark, but the air was still. Only the sound of crickets chirping, and the occasional dog bark could be heard over the silence, meaning that it was very late at night.
I felt a whole lot better, But I’d be damned if I was going to accept my new lot in life without a fight. My mother gave a cute little snore as I slipped off the bed. She was a good mother, but I was not going to get anywhere when her fondest wish was for me to remain as I was.
...just does not work for me at all, especially the continued assertions that she's a good mother when up to this point we've seen the exact opposite. She's the cause of the protagonist's misery, her actions are why he's bawling, and she hasn't shown an ounce of regret at this point. In fact, she's been working hard at making it worse. The utterly dysfunctional dynamic works for comedy, but you can't turn it around and make a touching moment out of it. At least not like this.
Anyway, minor criticism aside, I'm really enjoying this and looking forward to more! :)
Author's Response: Honestly, I just forced that bit in there, it did sort of feel off as I wrote it. I knew I had to do something emotional but I wasn't sure what. Clearly that wasn't it. Thanks for the in depth review. I really appreciate. It helps identify what I need to work on. The new chapter is done. I'm just tweaking it a bit, and it needs a final proofread. So it'll be up later today (its 5am here) or tomorrow.
Date: 01/01/15 11:09 am Title: It Had An Accident
Great story, can't wait to read more! Some stories lose energies as they get longer.
Author's Response: I'll try to keep the energy up. But I don't think it'll be that long. I've not planned very far ahead, but I do have a good idea about how to end it. Thanks for reviewing.It Really makes me want to drop everything and get to writing. Actually I'm gonna do it right now.
Date: 12/23/14 12:30 am Title: My brother sucks
Your story is interesting enough rules can create your own universe.
For use magic, a license is required. But the heavenly, use magic, without a license. (use magic without a license is illegal)
To drive a car, a license is required, but people drive without one.
To sell drugs requires a license, but some people sell drugs without a license.
To buy weapons license required, but people sell and buy guns illegally.
Therefore the magic must be in the same situation.
As an expensive service by legal means, but cheap by methods illegal.
Clandestine Wizards are the same as, medical Clandestine.
Author's Response: It being ridiculously expensive helps keep it out of the public hands. No one is going to trust their lives and bodies to some back alley magic practitioner who uses equipment cobbled together from scrap parts. Well, no one except the desperate And criminals. The risk are very great. They would rather go to reputable sources and know that they'll get what they paid for. You see magic is still new. So people are afraid of it somewhat. Which is also why the government is researching it. And just like law makers waited until enough people died in car crashes before they made seat belts a legal requirement. That government is waiting for a bad accident and such.
I really should get on with the new chapter. But this time of year makes one lazy.
Date: 12/16/14 12:45 pm Title: Not My Problem, Buddy
Too bad I have to wait for the rest of the story, hope it's not too long in coming!!! Very interesting reading.
Author's Response: I may have to resort to that old NaNoWriMo trick of using word sprints, but I might be able to finish up a chapter or two tomorrow. So look out for it Thursday (or Friday. )
Date: 12/16/14 12:08 pm Title: She's not a horse, mom.
Oh! What a tangled web this is getting to be, though cute just the same.
Author's Response: I know some of the landmarks I'd like to pass, but have no idea where it will end up. So I'm basically reading the story for the first time as I go along writing it. Arianna's in charge and I'm just the chauffeur. Call me Jeeves.
Date: 12/07/14 09:24 pm Title: She's not a horse, mom.
Your story, I like
But we must clarify some rules:
In this world the magic is common.
The government and government organizations have free access to the most powerful magic.
The wandering celestials are the black market in the world. Have access to magic as powerful as the government but are criminals.
Why the government made "Arianna" in a little girl.
Quisas "Arianna" is a guinea pig, a new type of experimental magic.
Author's Response: I meant to include some details in the chapter notes of the first chapter. But I had to repost it five times before it stuck. But after typing in all the story details four times I grew a little weary. Anyway these are the rules as you say. The Government has access to both magic and super sci-fi technology. But both are hard to come by for the common folk. Wandering celestials are... let's call em hobos with magic, sort of. That's where the wandering part comes from. I'll introduce them in the next chapter. They go around making trouble but can't affect people without their permission. At least that's the image that popped into my head when I first thought of this. Yes Arianna is an experiment. But the government changed her because of the contract her brother and mother signed. One big rule is that magic can't affect you without permission. Since Ari is under 21 and living at home the Government took his mother's signature as 'good enough' and went ahead with the transformation. The brother was the one that originally approached the Government organisation and His mom went along with it. When you don't plan a road properly, you get potholes. When you donít plan a story properly, you get plot holes.
Date: 12/05/14 05:26 pm Title: She's not a horse, mom.
This is a big improvement on the first part, more details, more conflict, and it's at least as funny.
Author's Response: It being funny was one of my major goals when writing this. I actually got worried that I had missed something when you mentioned that you chuckled ONCE, in your email. Thanks for the review.
Date: 11/30/14 12:26 pm Title: My brother sucks
This is a good first story. As you said in the reply, writing for friends and family is very different from writing for an unbiased audience.
There are problems, but you seem to know where they are, and now that you have decided to make this into an ongoing story, you can easily fix them up with flashbacks and things like that.
Author's Response: Thanks, perhaps one day I'll get a comment section stalker of my very own.
Author's Response: Thanks, perhaps one day I'll get a comment section stalker of my very own.
Date: 11/30/14 04:56 am Title: My brother sucks
Sorry, my bad, what I was going to say before I by mistake deleted it, that I didn't know who or what Arianna was like before the transformation. But you actually just answered it when you spoke about appearances before the change. It's a tad confusing how you have three different locations with what you plan to do with the story rather than what you are 'actually' doing with the story.
Author's Response: From here on out. It's a full story. Forget about the flash fiction and one shot. (I'm assuming that that is what you mean by locations.) I'm working on chapter two right now. But if that still isn't up to scratch let me know, I'm always looking for opportunities to improve. I'm quickly discovering that writing for yourself and your close friends is totally different from writing for the broader Internet audience.
Date: 11/30/14 01:42 am Title: My brother sucks
I'm interested, but won't rate for now, there's two big things troubling me. The main character, the one that changes first. Also, I don't know what any of them look like except for the brother after the transformation. I can't imagine them. Otherwise, I'm interested on how things turn out.
Author's Response: What about the main character? As for the second issue, Like I said, it was originally meant to be A flash fiction/one shot story, as such I didnít really plan any of that. You can usually discard a lot of the details in those types of stories. I'll be sure to add it into my next post. I Sometimes forget that my readers can't see into my head. Notice that I didn't even give them pre-transformation names. So I never even thought of Arianna's appearance before the change. As for the others... I've no excuses really. Please let me know of any other issues. I need to do some planning.
Date: 11/29/14 12:03 pm Title: My brother sucks
I absolutely adore this, and I love the main character thus far. Keep it up, I look forward to more!
Author's Response: A while ago, I saw quite a few flash fiction stories were being posted. So I decided to try my hand at one of my own. When it started to approach a thousand words, I decided to change it from flash fiction to a one shot story. When it started to approach three thousand I decided that I might actually need to write a second chapter. The only problem with that is my muse (I don't like saying muse, it sounds so pretentious) only supplied me with one chapter, actually half a chapter. I made the second half up on the spot. Now that I've completed NaNoWriMo I'll need something to keep me busy. Trust me, once you've written a few thousand words every day for a month you develop a need to keep the words flowing. What I'm trying to say in very roundabout way is that as soon as I think of where this might possibly go I'll write it up. Thus far all I've got is 'aliens' that's it. Sorry for the info dump about my life. Thanks for reviewing.