Date: 07/01/15 08:33 am Title: Coming out
And here is where our experiences split, as my family is absolutely not supportive. I'm happy for you, that you're on the right track!
I'll be moving out of the country soon, first to south america to my father and then to north america. Maybe when I'm there by myself I can get back on track.
Good luck on your path and I'd be happy if you'd keep us posted on how you're progressing!
Author's Response: So sorry to hear that about your own family. Sounds like you have quite a journey ahead of you. I do intend to make another update when enough has happened to warrant one. Good luck to you with finding your own path.
Date: 07/01/15 08:20 am Title: Bottled up frustrations
Thank you for writing that, I needed that.
Aside from the coat (I'm sorry, but that just seems really douchy, but doing your own thing is also good, I guess) you have perfectly described my own situation. Except that I'm 3 years younger than you, regardless, it's great to know there's a kindred soul :)
Author's Response: Knowing that you´re not the only one in the world with certain troubles is a big help.
Date: 04/25/15 07:04 am Title: Coming out
It sounds as if things are finally beginning to work out for you. I, and I'm sure everyone else here, support you in your quest and hope you find the contentment you deserve. Very brave of you to share this.
Author's Response: Thank you. This website and all the people here is what has helped me come to this point. Without it, I probably would still not have even reached the point of self acceptance. I was writing this out anyway and posting this here seems like a great way to perhaps help others deal with similar things in return. So thank you and everyone else here for being so supportive.
Date: 03/15/15 07:43 pm Title: Bottled up frustrations
Please do continue to write out your feelings on this. I have a story I started that I have debated about posting that is mostly my personal tale, with a little fictionalization added. I've kept my secret desires to be a girl bottled up so long, afraid of how my mom (79 & only living parent) would react. I know how my brother would react, and I really don't want to have to put up with his shit in order to continue to have a good relationship with mom. Because of my recent throat cancer surgery, I was a little careless about what I chose to wear over to mom's and she caught a glimpse of my bra and asked me if I was wearing a bra... I said yes, it was part of my girlfriend's and my sex play, that because I have "man boobs" my girlfriend had suggested I should try wearing a bra... a few days later mom saw me without a shirt at my doctor visit because I'd had a silent heart attack. When we left she said something about my "boobs" and being watchful for breast cancer. I'm going to try over the next few weeks getting a little bolder and wearing some of my girlier clothes around her, and hope she can accept that I like wearing girl's clothes. If it goes well I'll tell her I hope to be able to go all the way and get SRS before I die. The heart attack scares me to think I might die before her now, so I want her to know if it happens I want to be buried as a girl.
Author's Response: Ooh... sounds like you have a lot more going on then me. I'm not much in a position to give out advice, so I won't do that, but I wish you good luck in getting through it all, because that sounds like some heavy stuff you're going through. Concerning me continuing writing my feelings about all this... that might not be a bad idea. I initially just left this as it is because writing a chapter about each little development seemed really silly, but by now enough things have happened that I'll probably put add that to this. I can at least say that I've been rather lucky and that things have gone well enough for me so far.
Date: 11/25/14 10:36 am Title: Bottled up frustrations
Hi. You are not alone, if this helps, especially here. I always loved females, and had all these thoughts that you've described. When I transitioned in 1975 there was no internet and I was scared nearly to death when I went to see my first psychiatrist to try and explain what had been bothering me since I was 5 yrs old. I was sure I would be committed and put in a padded room. Luckily the doctor was specifically trained in gender dysphoria which was a very new term then. IF you have a good rapport with your doctor, and there is trust... please tell them, and allow them to support you in this. I have had several good and close friends commit suicide, the most recent was Feb 1 of last year. She also was TG, we had been partners for 4 years and its brutal to wake up and not see her next to me. She had drug issues, beat them and ran into friends on a trip who were still using and then convinced her to use again, and overdosed. I will always respond to 'rambles' like yours. I have to, as I have lost so much, I have to try to let you know you can have a better life. My life degraded to a point where I was living on the street at your age. Another TG found me and helped me to realize we get to have a future too. By the time I was in my 30s I had an engineering degree and a job in silicon valley. Please don't sell yourself short, use these people and doctors that want to help. And if they won't or can't... fire 'em and find ones who can, good luck and godspeed... it would appear you have a journey to complete, then a story to write :)
Author's Response: Being as reliant on the internet as I am, I can hardly imagine how terrifying it must have been without it. At least I've been able to find this site here and gained the knowledge that it's not as strange or odd or whatever as I had initially believed. I've heard several accounts of TG's committing suicide and every time I hear of one, I get the urge to scream in frustration at how things get to that. I think things aren't as bad for TG's as it used to be, but still in many places of the world it's far from being decent. After what you've said I think it's indeed best to tell my psychologist about this soon. She's already helped me quite a bit and I do trust her, but there's still that stupid anxiety making me hesitating, but I'll get over that eventually. I haven't read your story 'A Learning Experience' yet, but I do intend to. I'm very happy to hear that it ended up well with you and I hope my journey ends up with a happy ending as well.
Date: 11/25/14 08:02 am Title: Bottled up frustrations
I some ways you are going through what I want through when I was in my very early teens. And that is confusion. Confusion of your own identity.
Fist of, I would drop the notion of homosexually right out the window. You mentioned your attrctration to girls for who they are and what they are wearing and doing. Ever heard of Lesbians?
If you think you are gay just for wanting to be a girl and you have not dressed up as one yet so dont discount you might get what you wanted until you try. Just because you think you have a girl side does not mean you are gay. Gays dont work like that. Of all the times I have been out in public dressed as a woman I have never ever been hit on by a gay. If I was guy and trying to attract gays by dressing as a woman then I am doing it the wrong way. Gays love guys who are at the end of the day guys, not guys who want to dress as woman. Not do not for one second confuse this with Drag queens who do shows.
They are gays who dressup for the fun of it and in a statical entertaining way for laughs. They are still male at the end of the day and would never ever dream what it is like to have a vagina like you have said and are not attracted to females at all for sexual partners.
I am defentlay not gay for I have no desire at all to be with a guy in a sexual way.
When I see a pretty girl I am both wanting to have her hair, clothes ect and also to have sex with her and I would love to be a woman full time. Outside I am a male, inside I am a female who loves females.
I went though all that confusion in my early teens thinking if I want to dress as a woman and live as a woman and woman dress to attract guys therefore I must be gay. that is total rubbish by itself.
However, I have been hit on by bi sexual guys and that is not being gay. Gays dont love woman. In fact most gays despise woman and bi sexual guys and us transgenders as well because gays see us as 'sitting on the fence' not knowing if we are male or female at the same time.
There are other males who dressup as woman and just want to have sex with other cross dressers at a motel which makes a very sleazy way of life and as far as I am concerned they give the rest of us a really bad sleazy name, they have no intention of living as a woman doing womans stuff like shopping ect.
There are a few gays who are just friendly to me and thats all. Dont believe me, dress up and go to a gay bar and see what happens for yourself. You will be surprised.
I hope that covers that bit for you.
Now the rest.
I was just as shy as you are and it was very scary and exciting at the same time when I first when out in public fully dressed as a woman but after years of dressing and hiding behind closed doors. In fact overall I have been treated better as a woman than when I am out as a male. Most woman do not see me as a threat and are more approachable than if I was a male and the things I hear in the ladies loo at nightclubs is an education of how to pick up woman when I am out as a male.
The next thing you should do before you overthink anything is fully dressup and see how it feels.
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for that. You do make a lot of very good points. I do however think this is one of the things I either forgot to mention or failed to get across the way I wanted. That notion of homosexuality and such is something I had in the past, but by now I've researched a lot of stuff and know my way of thinking back then was wrong. I do believe what you're saying and I intend to try and fully dressup as a women and see how that is. I'll wait with that until I live on my own though, because I still do live at my parent's house with some younger brothers, and as they know nothing about this, that would make things awkward. But yea, I agree. I do think I am like you as well. Male on the outside, female on the inside and attracted to females and I don't believe there is anything wrong with that. I just need to figure out how to go forward with this.
Date: 11/25/14 05:42 am Title: Bottled up frustrations
Dude, awesome courage! I can understand a certain amount of that as I tend towards being shy, no idea if its a social anxiety, I have also never dated. I have tried some cross dressing and it wasn't to fulfilling. I did like the cloths, but as my body is now, they just don't fit right even when they are the right sizes.
Hang in there man. My heart aches for your trials. You are never truly alone, there is always someone out there that cares for you, no matter what that form may be.
Author's Response: Thanks for that. It's a bit comforting knowing I'm not the only one like this at all. And yea... it took a bit of caurage to write this out and post it, but as I mentioned, I have kept it bottled up for long enough and it just got too much. I figure it's either letting it out a bit like this or keep it bottled up, which would probably end badly, maybe even suicide at one point. I've heard enough people in similar situations that have ended up committing suicide. But anyway, thanks for the support, and I hope get things worked out as well at some point.