Reviews For Death's Host
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Reviewer: aashka Signed Report
Date: 06/29/18 04:37 am Title: Introduction

In the author's notes mentioned Legends of the Battlefield, but I can not find them on the author's page, the question: where they can be found?

Author's Response: Aha. That's a dead story. My apologies. Didn't have momentum and I couldn't figure out how to organize a good story out of what was there.

Reviewer: storylovinggamer Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/24/17 11:48 pm Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

Loved it! There were a few issues, but overall it was a amazing story!

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 11/14/16 05:34 am Title: Chapter 17: The Grim Reaper

"the hand is as large as my leg and as someone who stands at about six feet, it’s big". End of chapter here. False. She was nearly six feet as a male, but you repeatedly say she got "much" shorter

Reviewer: Selvanius Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/18/16 05:10 am Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

I just reread this but didn't Frederic die? I thought the bridge was destroyed...

Author's Response: Rebuilding the bridge and reconstructing memories. Frederic and Liz are both dead, but after Sheeni became 'God' she also became capable of recreating it. At the end she tells Frederic that she tore them out of the bridge. That's only partly true. These problems actually become present in Liz, who has nightmares and incredible headaches resulting off memories she should have, but lacks.

Reviewer: JulietDeltaTango Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 01/25/16 01:47 pm Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

Wow, just wow.

Author's Response: Oh. Someone read my oldest story *waves*. End it on a big note, kill the big guy. You know, normal stuff.

Reviewer: Christian Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 10/25/15 01:06 pm Title: Chapter 19: A Harsh wake-up Call

AMAZING!!!!! I would expect nothing less from the greatest auther I've had the pleasure of haveing them help me in my writing.

Ps you are my favorite writer by far

Author's Response: Whoa. You went back far. This was my first project. You can see the problems I have had with writing in the past and how much I've improved. Hopefully, you can learn a lot more.

Reviewer: stinger225 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/09/15 08:44 pm Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

A good way to end a story. I hate it when they don't add an epilogue but you do.
I see you used gluttony as part of the back stab idea nice one.

I look forward for your next chapter in one of your other stores.

Author's Response: I'm currently working on both Betrayer and a new project. So keep an eye out for those.

Reviewer: Jacks-O-Lance Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/08/15 10:11 pm Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

What a great story, a little bit sad & unfortunate turn of events.

Author's Response: Needed to kill some people. Otherwise it wouldn't be much of a final fight. But thanks for reading it and I'm happy you enjoyed it.

Reviewer: a1993 Signed Report
Date: 05/08/15 07:34 am Title: Introduction

Confused, i think i might have glossed over the part where gluttony decided to kill liz and fred

Author's Response: Yeah, okay, I got it.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/07/15 10:33 pm Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

Lovely, simply lovely. I have a few things to say, but first and foremost, know that as long as I can access the internet and you don't do anything to your stories aside from update them, I will read and reread them.
Second: You finished, so I hit the "Fave this Author" button
Third: This one should, hopefully, help you with your troubles writing sex scenes. At the point of orgasm, the chemical dopamine is flooding into the brain, but differently in men and women. For men, many areas of the brain are shut down, mostly relating to stress, anxiety, and other worries, so that they focus on nothing but the pleasure. For females, however, most areas of the brain shut down, and the orgasm may even leave the woman unconscious, and pleasure is pretty much the only thing in their entire brain.
You make wonderful stories, and my heart skips a beat when I see one of them update. I will be here, with a review, as long as you continue them... looking forward to whatever you update next, be it Legends, The Betrayer, The Dealer, or Castaways

Author's Response:

Thanks a lot, I'm so happy to see that you enjoy them. Nothing pleases me more to see your reviews and to have you enjoying them. Just having you and everyone else stick around and enjoy what I write, not only inspires me to write more, but also makes my happy to go out of my way to write them. It's hard to write for a silent audience, but the fact that there are so many people so vocal helps immensely.

I suppose that seems a little too general, so I should probably say something a little more personal to you, when I look for reviews, I particularly look to see your review, because your review definitely tells me what's going on and I know you will read it. When you leave that review, pointing out something, I can immediately go, yes, that's what I'm getting right/wrong. It's awesome. I don't see myself stopping anytime soon, so I hope that you won't stop reviewing anytime soon.

Reviewer: a1993 Signed Report
Date: 05/07/15 07:46 pm Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

You kinda lost me at the gluttony part

Author's Response: What do you mean, the statement has many meanings, do you mean you didn't like it, or that you got confused?

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/07/15 06:41 pm Title: Chapter 22: Yaweh, King of the World

This was epic and awesome loved the entire death host thanks so much for this wonderful story and hoping to read more amazing story like these in future. It was perfect. 😍😱👏👏👏👌👍😘😍c6;👏

Author's Response: Thanks, and I hope to bring them to you.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 05/06/15 11:05 pm Title: Chapter 21: What it Means to be a Woman

Second to last? I'm on the edge of my seat!

Author's Response: Yeah. I should finish later.

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/06/15 05:14 pm Title: Chapter 21: What it Means to be a Woman

This was best n awesome well written it certainly did the job the erotic part was fun n I feel well connected u did awesome job I know it's tough for u but believe me u did awesome waiting for the final chapter tomorrow thank u so much 😍😱😘👏👏👌👍😘

Author's Response: Thanks a lot. Now I just need to focus on the final chapter.

Reviewer: stinger225 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/06/15 11:31 am Title: Chapter 20: Three Months Later

I would like to see were this is going. I see a possible back stab comming

Author's Response: Wow, reading your review gave me an idea, thanks dude, you likely condemned someone to death.

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/02/15 10:20 pm Title: Chapter 20: Three Months Later

Awesome loved it it's close to end I know so waiting impatiently 😍👏👏c6;👍😘 waiting for the big fight to happen

Author's Response: Yeah, though I'm having trouble with the way I want to write it.

Reviewer: Jacks-O-Lance Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 05/01/15 10:14 pm Title: Chapter 20: Three Months Later

Well that is interesting...

Author's Response: You read fast man, either that or you've been reading everything I've written. The first one is a compliment, the second one will just make me feel good, either way, thanks.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 05/01/15 09:50 pm Title: Chapter 20: Three Months Later

Looking forward to the next one! Eager to see how you end this out...

Author's Response: I just need to figure out who to kill :3

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 04/29/15 09:49 pm Title: Chapter 19: A Harsh wake-up Call

Interesting chapter... unfortunately I cannot help you with your worries about how second hand knowledge turned out because I only skimmed that section...

Author's Response: I don't blame you, considering everything, I can't read smut as it doesn't do anything for me anyway. It seems forced as I don't understand any of the effects within the 'act'. I suppose it's what makes me unique.

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 04/29/15 07:18 pm Title: Chapter 19: A Harsh wake-up Call

I know it's tough for u n I feel for you this is very rare and it's tough but u did a great job writing it down it was perfectin every sense and wonderful job done loved this chapter and enjoyed angels training n sparring hope they learn from her well 😍👏👏👌👍😘 u r awesome

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for your help, I was very nervous putting out this chapter and your review should help me feel more confident with my next few chapters.

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for your help, I was very nervous putting out this chapter and your review should help me feel more confident with my next few chapters.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 03/27/15 11:46 pm Title: Chapter 18: The immortal sins

I remember this chapter! Also, I ended up rereading this chapter. The sins are quite interesting... snufflepuffle. I can't help but smile at that! Anyhow, hope you're doing alright! Unexpected delay is all

Author's Response: Yeah, I'm doing fine, I've just been lazy and it's all my fault, I'll get back to it after a Dealer chapter and a Shifting Tides chapter.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 03/10/15 09:21 pm Title: Chapter 18: The immortal sins

You know what's worse than ending with a cliffhanger? Ending with a comma. You should fix that, please.

Also, I somehow ended up rereading this before you updated it... also, you might expect a review for The Betrayer as well... I've been in a rereading mood lately

Author's Response: Oops, I was considering doing a bit more than what was originally there, but I'll fix it and check out the other review.

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/10/15 06:50 pm Title: Chapter 18: The immortal sins

okies ty so much 😍c6;

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/10/15 06:43 pm Title: Chapter 18: The immortal sins

Wow thanks so much for updating ur the best 😍👏👏👏👌so in few chapter the story will end?

Author's Response: I think so, that depends on how many ideas I can come up with. There will likely be very few time skips too, so a little spoiler in that statement if you can guess it (Though it technically wouldn't be classified as a spoiler).

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/06/15 09:31 pm Title: Chapter 17: The Grim Reaper

OMG thise is awesome 😍 on the edge of seat

Author's Response: I'm working on the next chapter, I hope to get a bit of it done by tomorrow. I'll see how fast I can work to get it done.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 03/05/15 10:19 pm Title: Chapter 17: The Grim Reaper

Cliffhanger! Curse you! Agh, I can't wait... but if I must... might not get onto a computer for two days, eh? That... makes me sad. I see myself rereading something of yours (yes, again) in the meantime... I truly have fallen in love with a couple of your stories.

Author's Response: I got to a computer. I moved house and had to set up the internet. I'm really happy to find you enjoy a lot of my stories, it makes them easier to write to know that I have an audience out there to read them.

Reviewer: Sanro Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 03/04/15 09:30 pm Title: Chapter 16: Science and magic

It's very awesome story I read it all it's just wow like all ur other stories and I love it another one added to my fav list 😍

Author's Response: Thanks, it started out really badly, as it was my first story, but it's been improving now. Especially with my newer experiences and knowledge being transferred after a couple hundred thousand words. It really helps to have a lot of people review and tell me what's right and what is wrong. It improves everything I work on and tells me what to avoid.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 03/02/15 10:33 pm Title: Chapter 16: Science and magic

The delay (though short) was enough to keep me on edge, and now I see this story updated! I can wait a bit, though metaphorically I can't wait! You've got me on edge, I didn't see any more major plot points happening before training, but I'm glad to see I was wrong!

Author's Response: I did say I try to avoid filler content, if nothing was going to happen before training I would have time skipped. Glad you liked it.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 02/02/15 03:55 am Title: Chapter 15: Meeting of the superpowers

I reread this! Looks like Legends of the Battlefield is next... and then on to the Castaways sequels, and then I'm going to be bored again.

Author's Response: Damn, I'm really going to need to finish at least one of these for you.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 12/22/14 06:38 am Title: Chapter 15: Meeting of the superpowers

Ooh, dramatic. I can't wait to see where you're going to go with this! I was wondering about the relationship between Sheeni and the family... good to have that clarified. Although "jaw" was spelled "draw" and that confused me.

Author's Response: Good catch didn't see that one, I fixed it now. I have been focusing a lot on the relationship with the angels and all. I might be able to focus on the family for a while. I really haven't done much with the relationship between Sheeni and the family, so that's what I'll work on.

Reviewer: Phoenux Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 10/21/14 03:50 am Title: Chapter 14: War between worlds

I've loved this story since the beginning. But I kinda feel like Sheeni was a little too direct with some of her dialogue this chapter. I mean she usually is direct in a manner but Towards the end when hope and crew show up she just kinda throws bad news out there like it's common knowledge.

I am often at fault for getting straight to the point whenever I get excited about a climax that is soon approaching and i kinda start skipping everything so i can get too the climax as quickly as possible. And i kinda get a sense that this is what is happening towards the end of the chapter. Though I could just be blowing crap out of my ass who knows. All in All, love the story, keep it up!

Author's Response: About the direct bit. Lios, that is Fate would kinda know a little about the scenario, even if she came after her in hopes of seeing romantic interaction it was more to do with the bad news. You'll probably find that it was Fate who told Hope about the problems Sheeni had been having rather than the other way round. Fate has by far the largest scope of power but the least influence whereas people like Hope and Valor fall in the small scope but highest influence. If you want to know about Death, she's a good all rounder.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 10/11/14 06:20 pm Title: Chapter 14: War between worlds

Alright, good. Sheeni isn't doomed. Good to know. All this intensity makes me want to take a break. Legends of the battlefield, perhaps? That would be less intense than the new developments... I see at least two more major fights before the story ends.

On a different note, you're getting far better at dialogue. Now, something that I learned fairly recently. The ending of dialogue shouldn't be a period if you end it with "I respond" or the like. It should be like so: "Go away," I replied. Not "Go away." I replied. Small difference, not too major.

Author's Response: I guess I learned something too. Thanks :)

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 10/10/14 07:26 pm Title: Chapter 13: The Bridge

Death has a father, but what about a mother, I wonder? I keep thinking "Gaia" but you're using that as the mortal realm...

Absolutely wonderfully placed cliffhanger. I hate it. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Seriously. You should hurry and post it soon.

Author's Response: I'm working on it as I type this review. I won't talk about a mother because she doesn't exist. Gaia is just another word for Earth so you are right about that one. I am saying this now because there's no need for her to discuss not having a Mother. God is all powerful, he can create angels. But with insanity come other problems. But you will find that when he manifests his consciousness completely. Soon.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 10/07/14 12:43 pm Title: Chapter 12: Fear of oneself

The time skips are a bit disconcerting. But this story has definitely earned a favorite from me. Can't wait to see what's next (on either this or legends of the battlefield!)

Author's Response: Yeah. It was my fault for not saying a thing during the convention that time had passed. Additionally so I can speak about the change in seasons. But considering it's been four months and the whole thing started in spring it is only summer now. So I feel the comparisons aren't all that apparent. Otherwise there's little I can do without pulling up a calender or my character thinking about the time. If you talk about things that pop up after a long period of time like the long sword. I will get to that soon enough. Thanks for the reviews you have given me. They have helped a lot with improving my stories.

Reviewer: Kirito Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 10/06/14 07:56 am Title: Introduction

i like it :D, and im going to guess the girl at the end is Envy, seems like im going to have to wait and see in the future chapters. Good work with it

Author's Response: Maybe. Next chapter will be a lull. I said to Person42 that there were couple of weeks between chapter 9 and 10. There will now be another. But it will have more to do with Sheeni's personal life than anything.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 10/05/14 07:29 pm Title: Chapter 11: The sins of one that outweigh that of many

Oh, wow. Didn't expect that. But... the story is moving fast. I don't want to jump into the next fight quite yet! Give Sheeni a rest. Let her feel safe for a while. That's just an opinion feel free to discard it. But do slow down your writing. Elaborate. It usually helps.

Author's Response: I actually didn't specify but there's a bit of a time jump between chapter 9 and 10. Nearly 5 weeks. Perhaps I should have. Most of the time I find that there's a distinct lack of interest between the time shifts. There's actually going to be another time skip after this too. Be wary though. With her new friend, Sheeni's personality will change quite drastically. She'll be far more quick to temper.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 09/30/14 12:55 pm Title: Chapter 10: Return on investment.

Oh, cliffhanger. How I hate you! Eager to see what you write next!

Author's Response: This is the time where I respond in an evil way about how it may take a couple of days to continue because of laziness.

Reviewer: Phoenux Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/30/14 08:28 am Title: Chapter 10: Return on investment.

Great story so far, only issue with this chapter are some typos and doubled words. Keep up the good work, loving it so far

Author's Response: Thanks. I've enjoyed writing it thus far. Only issue has been those illusive typos and double words that I can't seem to find when I search through it.

Reviewer: TmC Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/30/14 06:05 am Title: Chapter 10: Return on investment.

This was awesome. I'm glad that you didn't put the cliffhanger earlier. Watching her working is great.

There something missing here "Suddenly third wheel approaches."

Only one problem. Well two. When she left the restaurant to find those people in her room, the change was too abrupt. One second she's in the restaurant the next she's in front of her door listening, with no warning. The same with Zac chasing her. A little build-up before the event would be great.

Author's Response: After a while of explaining point a to point b felt a bit lacking. I didn't know it had become a problem, I will try and put it back in during the next chapter.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed starstarstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/27/14 11:14 pm Title: Chapter 9: One sin too many

I really do love this story. Keep it up and I might just hit the favorite button.

Author's Response: I am wondering where to go from here, I have ideas but I think i will brain storm it a bit.

Reviewer: TmC Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/27/14 08:54 pm Title: Chapter 9: One sin too many

Brilliant chapter. I quite enjoyed it.

Author's Response: Thanks. I will try keep to these types of chapters then (oh and during this chapter you can see where my typing got cut)

Reviewer: TmC Signed starstarstar Report
Date: 09/27/14 05:42 am Title: Chapter 8: Excalibur, the holy sword

These people are remarkable calm over someone who's coughing up blood and can barely walk, like they're dealing with a broken arm or a sprained ankle. It was quite funny actually if you imagine it.

Author's Response: This chapter got cut in more places than one. I did say 'my wounds and organs had healed'. The only person who saw the injuries for what they were was Yuki who has stabbed Sheeni in the past and did yell at the media and Frederic. No-one other than Yuki actually saw Sheeni cough up, or throw up blood.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 09/27/14 02:23 am Title: Chapter 8: Excalibur, the holy sword

Things are escalating quickly.

And by that, I mean you wrote very quickly. Despite what others may say, elaboration is a helpful tool. I would have liked to see certain things play out a bit better. Also, at the beginning of the chapter, Sheeni put on her eye patch, and then Yuki picked up her eye patch and handed it to her. Events out of order or repeating, I'm not sure. Still excellent story.

Author's Response: A lot of the chapter got cut and I had to paste it from a separate place I was keeping some of my story, so it's split in an incredibly weird way, what has happened is that it appears some of my story got kept like the middle of my story, the end got cut, so did the start. So this time events are most certainly in a bizarre order because I didn't know what was right and why things weren't working. I tried editing the chapter 7 times before I gave up and decided to move the second half of the chapter to chapter 9

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 09/26/14 04:19 am Title: Chapter 7: Blood and fame

Loving it! Can't wait for the next chapter!

Author's Response: Might release a new one today might not. Depends what I come up with.

Reviewer: The Wedge Signed Report
Date: 09/26/14 03:39 am Title: Chapter 7: Blood and fame

An interesting group of Antagonists too!

Just curious but is Elizabeth and Yuki (not Valor) both supposed to speak so formally as well? Elizabeth's friend from the cybernetics/piercing shop seems to be the only person that halfway seems relaxed in their conversations. It's not a major thing for me, but it kinda comes off as a cold/stressed world with everyone being so uptight and formal all the time.

Author's Response: eh a large amount of my informal writing is because creative writing is an extreme weird situation for me. I have what 20 pages wright now with informal writing. and over 300 to 400 with formal writing. My habit is writing formally because it's how I was taught and breaking the habit has been incredibly difficult. The reason Sam was easy is because her character is just dedicated to being completely oblivious, whereas people like Elizabeth, and Yuki I just slipped into habit. Yuki actually was never meant to be so formal. He's supposed to be blunt, egotistical and clumsy. But to be serious here. I am finding incredibly difficult to break the informal writing so if you can bear with the writing until I find a way, I'll try and figure that out.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 09/24/14 09:28 pm Title: Chapter 6: The golden spear of Valor

Oh wow. Did not expect that. At all. Where are you going with all this, I wonder? Guess I'll just have to wait and find out. Very interesting story, though some sentences still don't have capitalized letters at their beginnings.

Author's Response: I am used to using MS word when I write out my writing, so the sentences usually auto capitalize. So, I have been skipping over rereading and been concentrating on releasing the chapters as often as possible. Sadly I can't say I am very good with spotting non-capitalized letters either. So that on top of me being lazy is a fault of my own. I'll scan over later. But it's gotten to the point where scanning over 28,000 words will take quite a while

Reviewer: The Wedge Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/24/14 08:26 pm Title: Introduction

I am enjoying this a lot. Yah your writing needs work you know that, i hope mine is atleast this good if i can ever get more than a chapter done before going on to something else.

The only thing i possibly see is lack of a significant antaganist to your story. I have run into this problem in a few DnD games i have run, and people tend to lose interest if there is no goal (big fight, boss) on the horizon. You seem to be getting there in this last chapter though so all is looking up.

Author's Response: Oh yes the antagonist is literally going to be revealed in the chapter I release today. Actually you already know what he looks like, but know nothing about him.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 09/23/14 10:20 pm Title: Chapter 5: They fall from the sky

Wow! Didn't expect that! A tip for the dialogue, though: Sheeni doesn't need to sound so formal all the time!! Unless she's really so antisocial that she can't effectively communicate with other humans. Dialogue sucks, I know, but you can't keep on using such formal terms! Use can't instead of cannot, I've instead of I have, etc. It makes it seem that much more unrealistic.

Author's Response: Well in a realistic sense she is incredibly antisocial. But I will mess with the dialogue a bit and hopefully get it right. It's just something that I have grown into habit with.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 09/22/14 11:08 pm Title: Chapter 4: Fear of the unkown

Wow, long chapter! Worth the wait. Lovely story so far! If you keep it up I won't be able to help myself and I'll end up favoriting this story.

Author's Response: Yeah, this one took a while. I messed up a bit of the end though typing out conflicting stories between two paragraphs which annoys me a little. I fixed it now. The next chapter I hope to halve or quarter the length so it comes out more regularly and easily without burning myself out. I might get a chapter done tomorrow, or not depends on the difficulty of the following chapters.

Reviewer: TmC Signed starstarstar Report
Date: 09/19/14 05:23 am Title: Chapter 3: Life after death

Dialogue is a bit formal here. Also, you don't have to say 'he said'/'she said' after every piece of dialogue, only when it's necessary. We know it's an exchange between two people, so one will speak after the other. (Unless there's threr or more people speaking, then we need to know who's saying what)

I've never even heard of that manga you mentioned. When you introduced death I was picturing her as Maka from soul eater, only bad assier.

Author's Response: So with the formal dialogue. It's mostly because other than between the main characters who have names now all conversation are between people who have jobs to be incredibly polite to those which employ them and an AI which was programmed by David. I fixed some of the other stuff, and on top of that the last part between the entrance into the mansion and the sleeping took me over 4 hours to think up and an additional 2 to put into words, I was exhausted. Hopefully the fix has worked out some of the problems I originally had. On the subject of the manga. It is not exactly well known like Soul Eater. But in my own opinion it has a good concept if you are alright with religious extremes. It was popular a while back but it went on break for a couple months. It is now completed so if you don't like reading uncompleted manga like I do, it's there to be all read.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed Report
Date: 09/18/14 11:37 pm Title: Chapter 3: Life after death

Ooh, fast update! Punctuation is pretty bad at parts, particularly during dialogue. And the dialogue still seems a bit unnatural, but that just takes a bunch of practice. Can't wait for the next chapter! Loving the plot, though there are errors.

Author's Response: Yeah. This chapter was a killer. I just got back from work and felt a bit tired, and on top of that it was one of my harder chapter. I got a lot right on chapter 3 and immediately fell back into the same mistakes I made in chapter 1 and 2. Additionally I didn't edit after because I was so tired. For a moment I thought my screen had changed resolution. So yeah. There's that. I really hope I can improve before I get to the parts that really show who Sheeni is or I fear people may not be able to understand the gravity of what I write.

Reviewer: TmC Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/18/14 04:45 am Title: Chapter 2: Nothing more unsettling

Police brutality! I'd love to see where this is going. I'm enjoying it so far. Also, this chapter is a great improvement over the first one. On a side note this tale might make an awesome manga.

Author's Response: I figured you would like the chief. And on the manga part. I actually have a lot of thoughts from manga. I am an avid manga and manwha reader, and actually got the name Sheeni as an idea. Obviously other language would work too. But with death being such a culture in the manga seen I decided to go that. I have been writing to burn some time while I await some of the games for this year, I would draw. But every drawing I make looks like it was made in MS paint. So yeah. I have been thinking about Chief's name for a while but have been drawing blanks. I want to make him an important part in the story but I suppose there's only one way to find out.

Reviewer: Person42 Signed starstarstarstar Report
Date: 09/17/14 10:53 pm Title: Chapter 2: Nothing more unsettling

Ooh, I really like the story! The dialogue is a bit rough, and occasionally you won't capitalize the first word after a sentence ends, and there's a few spelling mistakes. Loving the plot!

Author's Response: Yeah, I wrote chapter 2 on low fuel. It was getting late and I was quite tired. I will run over my stories again to fix the problems, dialogue is by far my worst writing skill. To the point where even in small short stories I do for D&D I refuse to write dialogue in my writing. However I feel that making this entire story with a lack of dialogue would make for an extremely interesting yet dull story. So I will reread and re-edit very soon.

Reviewer: Minikisa Signed Report
Date: 09/17/14 07:58 pm Title: Introduction

I have to concur with TmC. The premise of this is very interesting, but it suffers greatly from an overabundance of exposition. Ease into this world. Info-dumping may be good form when you're the DM and trying to set up a world for your players, but in a story you can take your time and explain things as they come up.

Instead of summarizing everything, why not show a scene of David at his beloved work, perhaps doing experiments with an Altered character, thus setting up the nature of the Altered, David's profession and field of research, as well as his high intelligence in one fell swoop.

And now for some stylistic mistakes.

Under the guise of Galileo (I think you can understand the reference) [...]
For those who do not know Altered are humans [...]
Think of it, a dogs nose, a bears strength and bones, a cats swiftness.


Who the hell is David talking to?

While the narrator addressing some unseen person can work with certain story formats - journal entries, mission logs, interviews - most of the time you're doing a straightforward 1st person PoV, focusing on his thoughts and feelings as they happen. Breaking the fourth wall like this for no reason damages immersion.

Also keep an eye on your tenses.

"Anyone, please! Is anyone there?" I yell into the void.
".. One, please. Is anyone there" The void yelled back.


Anyways, it's a good start for a first story, and I look forward to more.

Author's Response: Once again thanks for the help I am going to go over and read some of them now and deal with the rest later. I will try get better. But for me the first two chapters were very difficult for me. I hope to improve from now on. I might rewrite the first chapter later. But for now I will focus on messing with my mistakes and set up the world in a more physical and emotional way.

Reviewer: TmC Signed starstarstar Report
Date: 09/17/14 02:16 pm Title: Introduction

I like where you're going with this. But it was a bit hard to follow at times. The biggest issue is that you're 'telling' quite a lot as opposed to 'showing'.

You shouldn't tell us he's a genius. Show us through his actions and words. Rather than telling us what the Altered are. Show them in action (using news footage or something similar)

There are a few spelling and grammar issues. But nothing a quick proofread can't fix.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of this.

Author's Response: Thanks for the quick response. Yeah I figured that would be one of the issues. The next chapter is coming up soon but will be fairly similar to this. It should at least show some of his thinking processes. Other than that. I believe Altered abilities will come up in chapter 2 and his capabilities as a genius at least in researching and creating will be revealed later in the stories. But look forward to seeing some stuff about the altered capabilities very soon.

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