Date: 01/15/15 02:30 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Chosen
Just wondering how you're doing. You've kinda dropped off the radar, so we're all a bit worried about you. Hope you're okay, I sent an email, but you haven't responded, and this is really the only other way I might reach you. Hope to see you back soon :)
-Steph, and the rest of the BNW crew
Date: 10/21/14 01:05 am Title: Chapter 15 - Casting Shadows
Nice imagery in there.
Mask guy is even more interesting now.
And I can't find any real editing problems.
Author's Response: Red Eye Mask Guy is going to be quite the b****** if I play my cards right xD thanks for always dropping a review :D it's reallyyyy appreciated~
Date: 10/13/14 01:50 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Chosen
Good chapter. Enough new info to keep us interested, grammar is improving, and I can't wait to see what Red Eyes has planned
Author's Response: Red Eyes.. xD Hahah! Yeah, I can't wait to find out either actually :3 guess we'll all be surprised when it happens..
Date: 10/09/14 02:42 am Title: Chapter 13 - Totem's Resolve
Grammar tip, don't use "and" so much.
Good fight scene and Totem definitely has her powers under control. Can't wait to see what else you have planned. This is a good old comic book plot.
Author's Response: First it was "but" and now it's "and" xD I do tend to lean towards one or the other quite a lot.. thanks for the tip :D
Date: 10/05/14 11:48 am Title: Chapter 12 - First Day
I like your Vixen expy. I always thought she wasn't used enough. Can't wait to see her fight.
Author's Response: Vixen has been one of my favourite Leaguers in the JLU shows :D But yeah, they've only ever wrote her in stories that involved Green Lantern and Hawkgirl xP I'm glad you're just as much of a fan of the series as I am :D didn't think many people would remember Vixen..
Date: 10/02/14 12:34 am Title: Intermission
I now demand to see a green hulking monster in your story. Who's with me!
Author's Response: It could actually be easily arranged now that I've got my part of the world set up xD guess we'll see if I follow through with that thought process
Date: 10/01/14 11:19 pm Title: Chapter 11 - Training
It's about time our female Tony Stark built her goddamn armor. Movie references, plenty of humor, and lots of insight into our heroes' powers. Then we have the introduction to the villain, who seems about as backwards thinking as Penelope is a futurist.
Onto the next one!
Date: 10/01/14 01:47 am Title: Chapter 1 - Chosen
I actually thought of that earlier today, it seemed appropriate.
I have read some pretty dark comics, and I can take my mind to very dark places (thank you history and political science degree), that leave me going "Holy crap where did that come from!" Honestly there have been times I've cried for my characters as I'm putting them through hell, and a few times I've gone and given my little girl a BIG hug after writing.
It's not for the faint of heart, and too much isn't good.
Date: 10/01/14 01:10 am Title: Chapter 1 - Chosen
Do NOT go as dark as mine. It isn't always fun.
Think of it like the Marvel Universe.
Yours is the more light hearted series, where bad stuff happens, but generally it's a bit happier and go lucky. Like the majority of Spiderman comics when he was married to M.J. Serious, there are problems, but only really bleak occasionally.
Hikaro's is more like the general stuff of today. The heroes face darker themes, harsher fights, larger death counts, etc, but they try to keep their ideals and try to be good role models. Also there are spots of light and hope and we know that the good guys will eventually win.
My stuff is the old MAX series. Generally more focused on individual battles, the heroes are dirtier, and even though they don't generally face genocide and large scale massacres, most victories are phyric at best, and to succeed is going to push people too and past their breaking points.
They all have a place and shouldn't be cast aside in favour of another style without careful thought.
Author's Response: Oooh! I didn't really think of it that way :D I guess people could come to my story to take a break from all the death and gore... That's not to say I won't have any of that from time to time, but I'll definitely keep to the lighter side of the BNW series. I don't think my mind is capable of dreaming up gorey scenes like you do in your stories.. :P Which is probably why I admire Tech Adventures so much.. You touch on places I don't see very often in Superhero stories.. Or maybe I just haven't read enough superhero stories xD
Date: 10/01/14 12:27 am Title: Chapter 11 - Training
I like this fairly light hearted story. I wonder what Patricia has in mind for her assault .
Author's Response: It's got a very lighter mood compared to yours and Hikaro's stories, that's for sure... I don't think I can ever write something as dark as those, but I'm worried I might have to... to keep it within the running theme of the BNW universe. :P Patricia's going to be a fun little story though... If I can get what I have in mind properly translated into words that is... -_-"
Date: 09/28/14 09:31 pm Title: Chapter 10 - Fight
And so, half the people hate poor Sapphire, and half love her. Well, I assume they do. "The Light", huh? Wonder how their first job is gonna go. Gotta say, though, Brenda's father is a bit of an asshole. No wonder she doesn't want to talk to him.
Author's Response: There's definitely a mix of reactions, but there's definitely some hero love there for Sapphire :D Ohh Brenda's dad is definitely an arse, and I promise that he'll be even more so as the story progresses
Date: 09/27/14 02:38 am Title: Chapter 10 - Fight
Ads on the site? Aside from the "Sick Puppy Press" one on the homepage, I've never even seen an ad on the site. I know there's some good programs out there like Adblock or something like that, made to remove ads. You could try downloading one of those (if they're trustworthy, don't take my word for it I haven't researched thoroughly.)
And the story. Interesting direction you're going with this. Nicely done so far. I wonder what's coming up next...
Author's Response: There were weird pop ups coming out from the sides.. like ebay stuff or whatever.. but now they're gone thanks to Adblock :D Thanks for telling me about it~ it's pretty great and now I don't even have ads on Youtube too! :D Hahah! And thanks for that :D the next scene should be quite fun to write, since it won't focus entirely on Brenda this time :)
Date: 09/27/14 02:28 am Title: Chapter 10 - Fight
What ads? I haven't noticed any.
Anyways good chapter, with an interesting little ending. It will be nice to see if the creature is just a doglike beast or still has human intelligence and feelings.
Author's Response: The ads are gone :) They've been popping up on the sides of my screen for a while, but now I've got AdBlocker (Which I didn't have before and now I think it's the greatest thing ever made :D ) Hahah well, there's only one way to find out what my little Feral is going to be like later on :D and that's to wait for the next chapter~!
Date: 09/23/14 07:58 am Title: Chapter 9 - Mall
You were watching The Avengers (I think it's called Avengers Assemble outside the US) while writing this one, weren't you? Eh, I can't say anything, really. I just finished ripping off The Dark Knight. Nice chapter, really. Slow at first, with Brenda going shopping, but once the clothes are picked, things heated up real quick. Get the next one out when you can, I'm eager to read 'er.
Author's Response: It was just a few lines from the moviiiie xD And I did plan this scene for a while now~ Hopefully, now that I've got the ball rolling a good distance, the story should keep moving at a faster pace from now on :D
Date: 09/16/14 10:56 pm Title: Chapter 8 - Strained
Are both wrists broken, Elliot? More and more build up, it works. I do question how long it's going to take before it all crumbles, however. Nothing good lasts forever.
Author's Response: Actually it's only his left hand that got hurt.. xD I was hoping to indirectly express that Elliot is left handed that way
Date: 09/16/14 04:53 am Title: Chapter 8 - Strained
Good descriptions, good dialogue, good development, for this and the last chapter.
Now lets get to some explosions.
Author's Response: I think explosions are a little overdone with the superhero business xD that's not to say that there aren't going to be any in the coming chapters... but it might take a while to get there
Date: 09/14/14 03:21 pm Title: Chapter 5 - Recruitment
Quite the impression, Penelope. I'm sure Brenda's going to be even more in awe in the next chapter.
Author's Response: Oh she will be xD There's so many things I could add, but I'm afraid I might bore the readers if I keep going on about Penelope's gadgets.. "We get it, she's a rich super genius.. move on already!" or something like that...
Date: 09/14/14 05:04 am Title: Chapter 6 - Talks
Nicely written so far! The images were a nice touch, the incorporation of them was a bit surprising at first, but you pulled it off. There's an occasional spelling error, but other than that I can't really complain about anything. Can't wait to see what happens next!
Author's Response: Thanks for your kind words :D And also for the tip about the spelling errors.. I should really get around to looking for them some day, but I'm a little too lazy to work them out for the time being. :P
Date: 09/12/14 10:40 pm Title: Chapter 4 - Tears
Ah, moments... They're nice to have, every so often. Nice intro for Elastique, showing up out of the blue in an intensely traumatic moment. Things are coming together.
Author's Response: Slowly but surely :D Everything is falling into place~
Date: 09/12/14 04:55 am Title: Chapter 5 - Recruitment
Two big spelling mistakes jumped out at me. "the tree women stood up" in the third last paragraph.
And “Clam down, girl,” around the middle.
Other than that, this was a nice bit info chapter. I really am liking Penelope the most, she has a good cocky attitude.
Author's Response: I'm glad you like her :D She was a lot of fun to write, and I tried my best to keep her character somewhat similar to Tony Stark~ Also, thanks for pointing my mistakes out xP I wrote everything out in a rush and relied heavily on spell check..
Date: 09/10/14 05:30 am Title: Chapter 3 - Hunters
Yay, more superhero stories. How I love thee.
For your first story, this is extremely impressive. I like that you've taken your time introducing the characters, and even in this short time span we've known them they already have their own 'voice'. Kudos. Can't say much for the plot yet, but I'll definitely be watching this one :)
Your writing style is very nice and evocative, however you have tense troubles, occasionally swapping to the present tense at random. Keep an eye out for that while proofreading. Also, something that stuck out to me like a sore thumb was this:
"It had taken ages to finally calm her down a little (from now on we’ll refer to Bryan as a “her” and vice versa for Emma),[...]"
Author's notes in the middle of text break immersion like woah. I strongly recommend against doing this. Just swap pronouns, no need to announce it.
That picture in the first chapter of Saphire was very beautiful. Did you draw it yourself or did you create the character around it? :)
Author's Response: Goodness! I can't really take all the credit for my characters creation :D Your work with "Of Heroes and Villains" was responsible for my spark of inspiration! And then Hariko's series came up and I just couldn't resist jumping aboard the superhero tg story themed train ;) Thanks for the tips, and I'll be sure to watch out for those present/past tense slips... Ahh, the picture was done by a good friend of mine, and he's going to be making more for some of my other chapters :)
Date: 09/09/14 05:52 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Chosen
I just remembered something.
There is actually an oil that lets you light a fire and it doesn't burn anything else. Movies, magicians and strippers use it in their acts. So you Emma could have doused herself in the oil set herself on fire and been ok. You could actually cover a book in it and it wouldn't even brown the papers.
Author's Response: I thought for sure that I made that up @_@ Oh goodness, maybe I should have done some research before writing up that chapter xP Oh well, I guess we could just say that Elliot didn't really know about it.
Date: 09/09/14 10:09 am Title: Chapter 2 - Gifts
So, is Ms. Banter not a genius? That part was left out of her description, and knowing what I do, I would surmise she's a freakin' genius. It's nice to see at least one of our little dynamic duo here showing some degree of control over his powers. Brenda's mind seems to wander a little, will that affect her control? More, more, more, give us more, all I can say.
Author's Response: I knew I forgot something! Thanks for pointing that out Hikaro :)
Date: 09/09/14 09:49 am Title: Chapter 2 - Gifts
You've kept my interest, although I'm more interested in the billionaire at this point.
Keep it up.
Author's Response: Oh the pressure xD ... Now I have to make sure Penelope's personality really reels all that interest in~