Date: 08/23/14 03:56 pm Title: Chapter 1
Good work though the beginning and overall concept does strike me as remarkably similar to my own story. If you read my story and based ideas off it I'm honoured, if not then it s a happy coincident. Either way, good job.
Author's Response: No, I had not. A meteor shower ( or is it something else?) was convenient and I hadn't seen it done to death. I don't know when I'll be able to get back to this, the other writing is going good, but I'll update as soon as I am able.
Date: 08/02/14 05:53 pm Title: Chapter 1
The thing about reviews is you'll get all kinds, because there are so many tastes out there. The most important thing is to write the kind of story you want to write, and write for your fans, which you'll gain when people with similar tastes start taking notice. Chapter 1 if I were to rate it would get 3 stars, but I won't rate it because it is undeserved, just because of a lack of synchronicity in what turns us on. Use some other sexy description, probably your next chapter or next story, and you'll be getting 5 stars from me. I see a lot of potential from you, and implore you to keep writing.
Date: 08/02/14 04:19 pm Title: Chapter 1
Ugh... really? You're going to point fingers at me. I'm just going to make myself clear before you continue with your tantrum. I never said your story shouldn't have sex, NEVER. I did however told you that it should have some sort of explanation of why she has sex. I said that your story does need a lot of backstory (It still does, but not a lot.). I mentioned that I found strange how his ex-girlfriend instead of helping him out, she's okay with him having sex. it is weird, yeah, very weird. Only slut girls would do that kind of stuff. But I never said "NOO Your story doesn't have to have sex! STAWP!"
Regarding your new chapter, it is better. It's what the story needed for it to have a little bit more of sense. You need to write more things like that and at the same time continuing writing George's story.
Author's Response: Sorry, I was trying to be funny. Humor FAIL!
Date: 08/01/14 08:42 am Title: Chapter 1
Dude, do you think I'm just a troll who feeds on people's dreams and tears? No! Look man, I review like this not just to mess with you, or make you feel bad or anything like that. I want to help new authors like they did on me. Tell you the truth, at the beginning I was even worse than you, (Not saying that you're bad, you actually have very good grammar, and you politely answered my review.) I sucked balls on my first story, half of the first three chapters were a clusterfuck of pure dialogue. And without the reviews I would never had learn how to write. That's what I did this. Your story has massive amounts of talent, but the way you present it kind of ruins the whole thing.
I don't want my reviews to the a spam of the same thing I said with other stories. (Like half of the 25 Most Prolific Reviewers.) Now, I do have to stay firm with what I said. And I don't care about the amounts of sex this story will have. I just want it to have sense and have logical explanations of why Georgia has sex. What do I mean by "Cheer for Greg"? I'm not saying that I should put on a cheerleading outfit, and cheer up whatever he does. What I mean by "Cheer" is that there should be something in the story that would make me want to read the next chapter. Maybe I picture myself in the character you made, so I would constantly be reading it because I want to know what happens to him. We don't even know how does George looks like, or his personality, or his past. The only thing we know is that he's now a girl that likes to fuck.
You couldn't like, explain most of what you said on the first chapter? To let the readers know what is going on? A simple "I don't know why, but my mom let me go to this trip, as well as Jill's dad". And I do have to rub it again with the description thing. You do need it dude, even if it's sometimes tedious to do it, but believe me, it is not boring to read. You're writing a second story? I'll be up to review that one too! :P
P.S. It was kind of late when I did the review, it might had just slipped off. Sorry!
P.S. And... one more thing. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SNuDh2N4ogA/UBmefbI_suI/AAAAAAAAAYI/F-Kj66SmrE8/s1600/i-do-what-i-want-22875-1277341571-14.jpg
Date: 08/01/14 02:42 am Title: Chapter 1
Really? I mean... didn't you at least proof read what you made? I can see that you put effort, and dedication to try to make your story original and different from the rest. But everything is lacking simple common sense! The premise is very good don't get me wrong, but the way it is presented is... very weird, and sometimes doesn't even follow a logical assumption of a person's mind. What do I mean by that? The characters are pretty much inexistent, they barely express any emotional symptom that would difference them from any rock you can find on the street, in your case a fleshlight on a teen's desk.
I always have problems with authors thinking that using the fastest route to the change would make it better. NO! NO IT ISN'T! Backstory is completely necessary for a story like this. How do you want us to cheer for Greg, if we don't even know who he is. Hell, we don't even know how he looks like! You need to give us a semi-detailed version of the main character's past. The only instances in which knowing less from a character's past works, is when you're either playing a videogame, or reading a book which main plot line revolves around knowing less from the main character. I'll give you a perfect example of how should you get us to cheer for a chapter. Look on fictomania for a story called "The Fortune Cookie". The main change doesn't happen until chapter 22! But since we know more about the main character, and we have analysed and even make some assumptions of what will happen.
Let's start with the camp. First of all: "No internet, no wifi, nothing." I wonder what would I do if you didn't told me no internet, no wifi. That's like if I was saying, "I don't have a left leg, I also don't have a left foot." NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK. Also, if a fucking rock from space just landed right next you, shouldn't you be worried that another one might fall on you? Better, why don't we cry over a fucking tent, than worrying about our lives.
The rest you need to add tons of details man. You are basically taking us to point A to point B. Where's the fun in that? Where's the adventure! That's like playing plants vs zombies only needing to kill one zombie to finish the level, because the game would assumes that you would kill the rest the same way. Like: "Frodo! We need to get the ring to Mordor." Next chapter. "And Frodo travel across the middle earth to get rid of the ring. The end." -_-
And your ending. http://gamersociety.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/facepalm-pokemon.jpg Not only the sex scene is out of place, but it is completely unnecessary. Mainly with the ex-girlfriend thing. Your boyfriend just transformed into a girl! Shouldn't you, I don't know, try to help him? Not by being a guard dog on a public restroom, to let a random stranger have sex with him. She's a girl, she should know the problems one might get when you have sex with a dude you just met by a glory hole. If he gets pregnant what would he do? Go to MTV? Or tell the loving story that the mother met the father just by seeing his cock. Other thing, the "girlfriend". Firstly, how did they eve manage to convince they're parents to go on a trip with their loved ones, on the middle of nowhere, with no one around, sharing the same tent. Are the parents stupid or what?
I'm not trying to sound like a douche, but dude, you really have to pay attention to the details, be more descriptive, make characters that have actual emotions and personalities. Just think this, "We don't know what you have in your head." Maybe you had an amazing story line planned out. But what's the point of having one if you're not going to tell it to the readers? Don't give up, try again. :)
Author's Response: I think you are taking this way to seriously. I am trying to be a writer and when the juices aren't flowing on whatever project I am trying to work on, I find that if I turn my brain in a whole different direction for a couple hours, in that time my brain has usually sorted out whatever it was that wasn't working in my main project. It sort of clears away the cobwebs. It isn't something I put a lot of time into, and I'm happy to post my sex stories here and elsewhere for free because of that. I don't want you to cheer for Greg. It's a stroke story and doesn't aspire to be anything beyond that. I have read a number of stories on this site that were listed as "explicit" or "deviant" and they spent chapter after chapter on one minutia or the other, sometimes to the benefit of the story, often times not. I could have had a chapter by itself just with Greg (now Georgia) and Jill waking up and finding out what happened to him in the tent, but I would have been bored as s*** writing it. I actually know the background even if I chose not to to show it. Why did Greg and Jill's parents let them go on this trip? Greg's mother is screwing Jill's dad and wanted them out of the house for the weekend so they could schtup like rabbits. Not stupid parents, simply irresponsible. That will come up later when Georgia finds herself alone with Jill's dad. Spoiler alert... more sex. Pet peeve, it should be "their' not "they're". Also don't try and insert a graphic if you don't know how. A long line of code really breaks up the flow of what you are trying to say. A simple *FACEPALM* gets the meaning across. The change is the vehicle that would get me to the sex. I've always been interested in male to female transformation sex stories. Fortunately for me my heritage allows males to wear kilts, but that is the closest I have come to cross-dressing. I had a lot of revelations just wearing basically what amounted to a skirt for a weekend. That will probably come out later, as well as more info on red-M. I have an idea or two for this world, but if you choose to read further, get used to a lot of sex. I'm sorry it isn't what you were looking for.The story you wanted to read isn't the one I wanted to write. I hope the next story uploaded for free meets your needs.