Date: 07/01/14 04:25 pm Title: Day 1
There's a lot of good to this story. I'll start with that. As an entire thing, I really like it.
My issues on the other hand, have already been brought up. The repetitiveness and strange descriptions of the breasts kinda kill the immersion. I was wondering if there was some sort of plot device that maybe made them hurt. Perhaps some sort of programming that made the transformee require a bra through pain training, I don't know. That's how I justified it. (Not that I have much boob experience being barely a B cup)
I can appreciate the boob fetish though, it's one of my own. I also understand how daunting negative reviews can be, so please don't discontinue it. If anything, fill in the gaps as you continue. The creepy way the mom and girlfriend seems to be in on it, the unnatural pain of not wearing a bra, etc... You seem like a good enough writer to bring it all together. :)
Date: 06/29/14 06:16 am Title: Day 2a
Like Minikisa I thought the initial couple of chapters were good. Your description was crisp and well written what I found distracting was the fixation with boobs. It distracted from the story totally plus it was pretty inaccurate. I personally have had a B cup most of my life although after having kids I've gone up a cup size. Much to the delight of my husband of course. When I had the twins a couple of years ago I was just short of a D fitting. Did they hurt? No not at all inconvenient at times yes! A simple rule of thumb here, if you are unsure of something look it up or ask someone.
Also the dialogue was pretty good but you spoiled it by not starting a new paragraph. Which is something I was taught in my English class when I was in High School. The way you wrote in this story is just a wall of text I found it difficult to read. My advise here would be to look and see how other authors have laid out their dialogue. On the whole I like the concept of the story
Date: 06/26/14 07:44 am Title: Day 1
Okay, so I've been reading this story with increasing bemusement. I liked the first chapter, the writing style was crisp and descriptive and it built tension nicely. Then day 2 happened, and by day 3 I was reading out of morbid fascination. And I'm sorry, but I just have to say it...
Please pick up a female anatomy book. Please.
No, it's not possible for a woman to have a waist half as wide as her hips; that would be supremely unhealthy and probably also require missing ribs. You know the "ideal" hourglass shape measures 90-60-90, yes? 60 is not half of 90. 45 would look freakish, not sexy.
No, double-Ds do not cause excruciating pain if you stand around in them without a bra for 2 minutes. In fact, unless you want to do sports, you can leisurely walk around all day without a bra and not feel it.
Speaking of bras, as obsessed as the story is with their function, it also seems incredibly confused about what that function is. Bras exist to stop bouncing. That is what they're for. It means you can run with them. Yes, even as a G cup.
And speaking of bouncing, F cups are not large enough to hit one's chin. Nor are they large enough to cast a shadow on the belly button (?!). Nor do breasts make it impossible to sleep on your stomach.
I'm trying to immerse myself in this story, yet every couple of paragraphs I hit something that breaks my suspension of disbelief. Other stuff that keeps pulling me out of the story:
- The parents'/girlfriends' reaction. No fucks were given here. Also, that they chose her new name with no input at all from her struck me as incredibly cruel. S/he has been made to feel powerless to stop the changes to her body, the least they could do is allow her to still be in charge of her own identity.
- The ridiculous levels of nymphomania. She was supposed to be turned into a sex worker, yes? Maybe giving a sex worker a cum addiction isn't the best thing to do. Her getting pregnant is the last thing her employer or client would want.
- It randomly switches from first person narration to third-person "Julie did X".
- The repititiveness.
I understand that this is a pure fetish story meant to do little more than titillate, but that does not, imho, mean that logic or good characterization should fly out of the window. You are a good writer, and that's why I bother writing this review. The first chapter had much potential but it's pretty evident that you then let the sexytiems take over, to the detriment of the characters and the narrative as a whole.
Date: 06/25/14 03:10 pm Title: Day 3a
Loving this story so much. It's extremely erotic.
All of Julie's friends and family seem to be coping with this change surprisingly well. I can't tell if they had some unknown hand in this ordeal... or if that's just indicative of the jaded, nano-infested fictional world he lives in.
Date: 06/12/14 07:43 pm Title: Day 2d
This story is keeping my interest intently. It's very good, and very mentally arousing.
I would like to add my voice to the people asking for double-spacing between paragraphs. (In a perfect world, the website would automatically add more to the paragraph margins, but that's not the case in this world.)
Date: 06/12/14 04:05 am Title: Day 1
I forgot, I'd still love to see her try and cut her hair or get breast reduction surgery anyway. Even if it comes right back, it'd be hot as hell. Maybe they even start changing her clothes or giving her tattoos. Whatever is more attractive, they end up doing.
I just hope that even though she's a nympho, and craves sex, she still retains her resistant "male" original mind. Her just turning into some mindless slut who enjoys it all the time isn't as fun.
Date: 06/12/14 03:58 am Title: Day 1
I fucking love this story. Fan. Fucking. Tastic.
Just a few things:
- Paragraph spaces would make it so much easier to read.
- The erotic descriptions are great, but when a character says them, it sounds sort of weird. It seems like they're not taking the transition from male to female seriously. "lol just fuck guys, no big deal." They should be a bit more supportive. Joking is great, but not too much.
- Honestly though, you got it down for the most part. Keep it up yo
Date: 06/11/14 05:35 pm Title: Day 1
Very well-written, so far! The transformation speed is somewhere between "fast" and "slow," and manages to somehow reflect the best of both!
The mental changes are well-described, with the protagonist being 'present' and aware of the changes as they are occurring, which is exceptionally fun to read!
The action is steamy and descriptive.
All around a fantastic read, please continue!