Date: 06/08/14 10:36 pm Title: Dropped on my bottom.
All right, so I've been reading along with some interest, waiting to see how this story unfolds before reviewing the content itself rather than the writing style since you clearly were taking your time setting things up. Since we're now over 10 thousand words in, I feel like I've given this a fair chance to establish everything.
There is a rather major flaw that I noticed early on - even hinted at in my last review - but wanted to see if it would get better. And so far, it hasn't.
I cannot tell them apart.
They certainly do have a personality, but that's just it - it's one personality shared between the three. They're all the same flavor of geek. They all look generically hawt with big breasts and an impossibly thin waist. When they speak, they sound the same. They all react to things the exact same way and that not only rings false, it also takes away a big source of drama, tension or comedy from you as an author.
Imagine, for example, that only one of them totally embraced her new femininity, and suddenly wanted to be called by an Elven name. "You guys, I told you I'm Arwen now!" Cue eyerolls, pouting, running gags. Because while yes, I can imagine one person choosing to immediately embrace the change, I can't imagine not a single one of them desperately clinging to their old identity in the face of so many changes.
Speaking of, their collective attitude is 'woo, awesome!'. Really? None of them miss home? They're geeks who spent their lives in MMOs - and not one of them laments the lack of access to the internet? The horror of going camping? I don't know about you, but I'm a major geek and the worst thing you could do to me is drop me in the middle of the woods with no running water or internet access.
And they all apparently took the time to learn Elvish. They all have the exact same taste in geekery? Not a one of them who maybe learned Klingon instead and now laments that he picked the wrong fictional language?
These are just some examples where they could have differentiated themselves.
It kind of comes back to what I said in the last review - I feel like your priorities in descriptions are a little out of whack. You've given us paragraphs and paragraphs of how hot they look, how their voices are so melodious, their mastubatory habits... and not really all that much about their personality or something that really matters about them as people.
Right now, this does not read as "epic fantasy tale"... it reads "fetish story." Now, there's not anything wrong with writing fetish stories. I read them, I enjoy them. But I get the feeling from the author's notes and your comments in general that you want this to be a more substantial tale.
If that impression is correct, then I have to be frank about this: you need to dial it back. A lot. Give us something to care about them *as people*, not sexy fetish fuel. You can still have sex and awkwardly hot body exploration, but it needs to be sprinkled in as a treat, secondary to their development as characters. You also have to give them flaws. And you really, really need to not devote so much of the story to how hawt they are and what they're wearing and how their breasts are bouncing.
Now if you do want this to be a fetish story, then keep on doing what you've been doing :) Again, absolutely nothing wrong with that if that is what you're aiming for.
I want to stress that you're not a bad writer, and this story has potential. I hope you find my criticism constructive and helpful.
Author's Response: Three stars, ouch! Thanks for your review though, I am sure I can work on distinguishing the characters.
Date: 06/06/14 11:37 pm Title: A Town in Need
If you want to make this story into an epic, like it seems you do, then you might need to get used to fewer reviews. Many people consider reading a story like that a huge undertaking, and therefore won't even start, much less leave a comment on every chapter. I would reccomend finding parts to split this story into. This gives you the advantages of quicker conflict resolutions, which keeps your readers interested and wanting to know what's next. Total, you will still have 100,000s of words, but readers won't be so intimidated by the story's length. I, for one, prefer a story with multiple installments over a story with 300+ chapters.
Anyways, as other reviewers have said, you are actually doing very well as far as reviews go. 4 chapters and 10 reviews is a great start. Keep uploading, if you can of course, and more and more people will notice your story. It takes a few chapters for people to start reading and have enough of an opinion to leave a review. Plus, some people are really stupid, and only leave reviews once a story is completely finished. -.-' (Which is another reason to split the story into multiple parts.)
In any case, best of luck to you! I'm sticking with this story as long as it sticks with us!
Author's Response: Thanks for your review, I will take it into consideration. :)
Date: 06/06/14 03:39 am Title: A Town in Need
First things first: you probably won't get a good reviews to reads ratio. Nobody does.
Second: nice story so far. I can see where you got your inspiration (I just finished reading the Eragon series, and I'm watching Lord of the Rings right now!) and I want to know where this ends up. It's a bit quick at some points, but you do go into a fair amount of detail.
Finally: keep it going. It doesn't really matter what others think, as long as you think it's good. So go ahead, keep writing, I'm sure people will keep reading. I will.
Author's Response: Thanks again for your review, how could I have made it a five star review? I have already discussed with my co author for him to take over if I have to stop, and we have planned the direction in which it will go.
Date: 06/06/14 12:44 am Title: A Town in Need
Don't worry about the number of reviews you are getting. Actually, of the 25 stories currently listed on the NEW STORIES page, the median number of reviews is 5. The sad truth is that most readers don't post reviews. You are doing better than most authors.
The important thing for you, as a new writer, is that you are getting very constructive reviews from other authors. Your writing is improving with each chapter, and your reviewers are giving you good ratings. Keep writing, and try to incorporate the constructive criticism into your work.
Author's Response: Thanks for your review, but lack of reviews is a huge problem with the tg story time community, there needs to be something done to encourage reviewers, to review.
Date: 06/05/14 07:28 pm Title: A Town in Need
This is an excellent story, with excellent accuracy to the LotR universe, vivid imagery, and creative concepts.
Author's Response: Thank you, I will be working with a co author from now on, in case situations force me to stop, he can take over. The magic, and abilities of the elves differ from the lord of the rings universe, which will be explained later in the novel. If I keep getting reviews such as this, I will carry on writing! Though if the reviews worsen I will be sure to change the direction. I appreciate you taking the time to review my story, contact me at my email if you have any suggestions, that you would like me to work into the story.
Date: 06/05/14 02:10 am Title: An imaginative victory
I liked the sword fighting in this chapter; finally some action! I'm interested to see what will happen in the village. Maybe some cool interactions with other characters or adventures are ahead!
However, I feel like it has taken too long for this to occur. The story has been a bit slow, and I'm still confused with the characters. I have trouble associating the characters with the actions they are performing. For example, does Tauriel control the tome? Or is it Arwen? Or even Arya? I can't remember at all after reading, because the situation was odd and didn't feel relevant. After it was revealed that magic only works on this you own, I became less confused, but I didn't want to have to go back and read the section about the book again. See the issue?
That being said, I love the magic, especially when the characters channel it through gems. Very cool.
4/5 because I'm confused. Maybe it's just me. He rating will definitely improve once some more action occurs, though, because I can usually keep track of what's going on in written battles.
Author's Response: It was Arya who originally had the tome, Though Arya gave to bow to Arwen, as Arya could not use it. How did you like the fight scenes? thanks for your review.
Date: 06/03/14 04:01 am Title: Dropped on my bottom.
I think you should write how you want to write, and dont explain everything it gets very boring very fast if you start off telling me everything about anything then proceed.
I agree with minikisa on the show dont tell sorry ACDC
Author's Response: I write, not for just for my self, but for all those who want to enjoy an adventure into a new world, I want to pull them in and have them experience it alongside our protagonists. I have been trying to mold my writing styles to please the reviewers, whilst still remaining the integrity of the story, and the enjoyment I get out of it. I can not put into words, which is pretty bad for an aspiring writer, how much enjoyment I get out of a five star review on my work. And the average rating of four and a half stars goes above and beyond my wildest expectations so thank you for your review, my only wish is that more people would review my work, so I can learn how to bring them into this world along side me and have them live the adventure.
Date: 06/03/14 02:15 am Title: A brief history of magic
I agree, it's difficult to keep up such an intense pace. I would rather see well-written chapters than lots of crummy chapters. Maybe tone it back to a chapter every two or three days, that way you have time to collect your thoughts on what you want to say, and you can make every chapter interesting and unique. On the flip side, however, don't let this extra time make you lazy like it has me. I should practice what I preach, I suppose.
Food for thought!
Author's Response: Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. I would still like to pump out a chapter every day, at the very least. This is going to be far from a short story, I am hoping to make it at least 100,000 words long. So keep reading and keep reviewing to let me know where I can improve. If you spot any grammatical mistakes, let me know if you can and I will promptly fix them.
Date: 06/03/14 12:25 am Title: Dropped on my bottom.
All right, first the praise!
I like your writing style; it's evocative and descriptive, and I can easily visualize what you're talking about. Being a big fantasy fan myself, I also quite like the idea and setting. I'm curious where you'll take this.
That being said, you have a rather big problem that many newbie authors have - you tell, you don't show ;) Compare these two sentences:
Chris was sad but tried to hide it.
Chris blinked rapidly against the sting in his eyes, averting his gaze to hide that telltale sheen.
Now one of these sounds way more interesting than the other, even though they describe the same thing, right?
This is the core of the "Show, don't tell"-rule that a writer should keep in mind: I don't want you tell me what your characters are feeling, I want you to show it reflected in their actions and dialogue. Don't say a character is smart, show them acting smart and let the reader draw their own conclusions.
Information should be presented as dynamically as possible, and only when relevant. To quote a certain playwright: "If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there."
Exposition is like candy - it's a treat when sprinkled in sparsely; the reader will love every tidbit that allows them to know more about the world. But dump it all at once? Yeah, the reader will get sick of it and what's more, they won't be able to appreciate the flavor. Okay, that metaphor got away from me, but what I'm saying is: if you dump too much exposition at once, the reader won't remember details. I know of the top of my head that one of Eli's friends was short and the other was tall. Do I know which is which? Nope. You introduced their names and descriptions and a lot of detail in the same paragraph, making it all blend together in my head. I could look it up, of course, but I shouldn't have to. These things need to stand out so I can remember them.
The second chapter in general was very problematic, since it's just one big exposition dump, and a lot of it unnecessary to boot. Do I, as a reader, really need to know Eli's computer specs and that he masturbates twice daily sans lube?
As ACDC pointed out, you need to work on your commas. As a general tip, I recommend finishing a chapter and then letting it rest for a day. Then proof-read it. You'll be able to catch mistakes you miss when it's freshly written.
Phew, that was a lot of criticism, but I hope you find it constructive. I see a lot of potential in your writing, it just needs some polish :)
Author's Response: Great advice regarding the show, don't tell rule, I will bear that in mind when writing future chapters. I am aware that I dumped a lot of information on you in the second chapter, I was trying to set a history which would link into future chapters, and also throw in a bit of suspense for the next chapter. I disagree with the necessity of the information regarding computer specs and masturbation routines. The computer specs just go to show how devoted he is to MMORPGing, something that may be intertwined with the story later. And the masturbation just shows how horny and unfulfilled he was in his male body, and would allow the reader to see how it is carried over into his new one. I am far too excitable regarding posting chapters, I have read through them a few times, post submitting, and made a few revisions to them. I was hoping to have one posted a few hours ago, but my laptop BSODed and I lost about two and a half hours of work, when I get into a flow, I don't stop. I do completely and utterly appreciate the time you put into reviewing my work, I am so glad people like you are here to help me along, and I am sure you will help me improve even more. :) If possible I could email the work to you before I submit and you could do a comma check for me, I ain't too great with them.
Date: 06/02/14 12:35 pm Title: A brief history of magic
This chapter was excellent. I still feel like the random sexual encounter was odd, but you justified it better in this chapter, so kudos to you.
I'm very sorry to hear about your laptop! Try to milk it for all it's worth!
Author's Response: I am thrilled at the rating you gave my story, and am glad you felt the encounter was more justified. I plan too, though I have been heavily using it for the past few days pumping out 6000 words in three days, I honestly don't know if I can keep up this pace.
Date: 06/01/14 02:22 pm Title: Exploring
I am getting pretty intrigued into where you might go with this.
The first chapter was clearly a teaser and didn't tell us all that much yet, but that's fine. The second chapter suddenly went into full back-story mode, providing us with descriptions of the main character and his friends and family. I personal am not a big fan of doing it this way. I prefer if such information is more subtly written into the story in a way that makes sense with everything else that's going on, often explaining things when they are needed.
This chapter however, was a lot better and is what makes me want to read more of this. There are a couple of points that bug me a bit, though.
As Lanz said, it seems a bit odd to take names from LOTR. They learned pretty quickly that they are clearly elves and that things are not all that normal. I know they would be a bit confused about it all, especially at the start, but I don't think they would be stupid enough to pick names of prominent people in the LOTR universe when they very well might be stuck in that universe.
Another thing that bugs me is the magic. "Magic" in the LOTR universe is not how most would consider it to be in a fantasy world. Most of what the Elves are capable of is not really magic as it is their innate ability of their race. Most of that ranges from things like forms of telepathy, capable of healing with their touch in some way and resting their mind while awake and moving as an alternative to sleep. Of course, some elves are more capable in some things then others. Elrond, for example, is known to be the "master of healing".
Elves are not really capable of more defined "magic" as lighting a fire, as you describe here. There are certain individuals that would be capable of that. Gandalf is a prime example, but he, like the other wizards (or Istar) is a Maiar, who is capable of supermatural abilities that normal Elves, humans, etc are not capable off.
Please don't feel too discouraged by this, though. Just see this as a bit of rambling by someone that is a bit too into the LOTR lore. I just felt the need to point it out to you and I'll leave it to you to decide if you want to do anything with it.
If it's the case that you want to discuss the LOTR lore in more detail with me, I'd be up to that.
Author's Response: With them being huge, mmorpg players I thought magic would be a cool aspect to add, to make battles far more interesting and giving them an interesting advantage in fights, it is similar to the abilities of the five wizards, but I would say it is far closer to the magic used by the elves in Eragon, Arwen has a meaning in Elvish and is not just a random name, so a royal elf from another province may have that name. Tauriel is not royalty and the woodland elves are rather secluded and thus I would not expect that to be a problem. Email me at Elvishwarrior@outlook.com if you have any suggestions for future chapters please email, as well as any thing you think I could change in the current ones. The magic I think will be a conglomeration of MMORPGs and that used in the inheritance cycle. However if you think this is a horrible idea let me know.
Date: 06/01/14 01:57 pm Title: Exploring
I like your story so far, but I feel like it needs some TLC. The very first sentence in the story is a fragment, which could easily be remedied by changing the period to an ellipsis (...). Other stuff to proofread is present, but that's an ongoing battle, so don't worry about them a whole lot.
I can understand Eli, Chris, and Lucas like lord of the rings, and other fantasy worlds, but taking their names from LoTR? It seems a but much. You still have time to reconsider their names, since they haven't actually come into contact with anyone else yet, but it's your call either way.
Also, I feel like the erotic moments in the story are an afterthought. You write very, very well, but then you interrupt the story with an odd "sexy" moment. I won't tell you how to write, because I am just starting myself, but that's jut how I feel. Anyways, keep up the good work, I'm very interested to see what our three elves will get up to.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review, I have taken your advice regarding the fragmented sentence, I feel like 3 teenage boys, coming face to face with the two most beautiful girls they had ever seen would result in quite a lot of sexual tension, and with slight provocation, a lot could happen. I completely welcome ALL criticism that can help me improve, this is the absolute first story I have written. And am incredibly glad for your review.
Date: 05/31/14 08:18 pm Title: A look back.
Nice that you're giving backstory to your story. But it's still waaay too short. Try to next time write more than a 1000 words. And I have to repeat, COMMAS. You need to check on them, like intense checking. You're lacking them, by a lot. The background, as such, is nice. You explain how they look like, and well, you gave a background to the characters. There are two ways you could give a background, being direct just like you did, or make other characters subtly tell it. I'll still wait for the actual story, to give a proper rating. I can't wait for it to come, and hell I love J.R.R Tolkien! So I bet this is a story for me.
Keep it up! :)
Date: 05/31/14 09:34 am Title: Dropped on my bottom.
Good stuff. Her new body is well described.
As for what ACDC Metal Fan said, clearly you're being rated against the best stories out there because you do have talent.
The pain was from pulling on her hair rather than the change itself. This is a teaser imo, intentionally not telling us too much? Maybe anyway.
Pretty hot stuff. Intense violence tag? Awesome, coupled with the consentual sex tag and this first teaser says to me this is going to be an epic adventure filled with combat and scantily clad elves getting used to their newfound feminity in very intimate ways...
Damn, this has a lot of promise.
Anyway, thanks for this, looking forward to more.
Author's Response: Wow, I did not expect such a kind review of the first chapter of my first story. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Date: 05/31/14 05:27 am Title: Dropped on my bottom.
... What? ... That's what I thought most of the time. First, pay attention to your typing! You had errors, not the ones that would kill a sentence, but the silly "I didn't pay attention to my typing" ones. Either pay attention when you're writing, or re-read the whole thing before posting. AND COMMAS! Dude! Come on! I know you used them, but there are a lot of time that you needed to use them. Write more! When have you seen a chapter that short? This collides with the next topic, which is...
The story. It seems to have talent, the idea of not only one, but an amount of characters who gets changed, is very uncommon and nice to see in here. But you're lacking a lot of info, A LOT. Who is this guy? Why did the change happen? What was he doing before it? But since the story is short, I can't touch the next point. Personality. The most important thing a character must have. But we can't tell if he has one, because we don't even know him! The only thing we know is that he changed into an elf, and he touch himself down there, in public. That's it! That's why you need to write more, explain what is going on, explain the reasons of the story, EVERYTHING!
And your change. It doesn't make sense, a bit. Like why did he felt pain when his hair change, and not when he grew boobs, or his butt expanded? You see what I mean?
I feel that you took inspirations out of "Was it worth it?" And I hope you take it on a different road. Well it's cool to see new writers around here, and I hope you take the right way to write. My first story, at the beginning, was very very shitty. Loads of dialogue, nothing of text. But I improve during time, and so do you! So keep it up, and don't give up!
P.S. I'll rate the next chapter, hoping for improvements. Which means a more fair rating.
Author's Response: Sorry, I wrote this last night I will review and try to clean up the punctuation! I was hoping to reveal more about his past as the story progressed, and obviously his personality and how it changes. I was trying to convey that the change was absolutely instant, his head about to touch his pillow and then as it touched, She instantly fell onto HER bottom in an upright position. And from then on it was exploring and noticing the changes. Him and his only two friends have fallen into a world such as middle earth for an unknown reason and must explore it to find out why and what has happened. I was debating as to whether I should change his friends but you seem to think it is a good idea so, that is the way I will be going. Thank you for your review it has helped a lot.